Hey, Doctor.. How about a Few Jokes to help cure what ails me?

I'm told that a laugh lowers stress hormone levels and blood pressure instantly.  Artery diameter increases 22% during laughter, even when it is faked. Read funny books;  watch funny TV shows and movies; listen and watch comedians; tell jokes... You'll live longer.. and remember, laughter is contagious, so "grin and share it!"

Most of my joke submissions today will be related to the Medical Field, with a kind of naughty and irreverent joke near the end.

Medical School

The professor said to the class of medical students, "Today we are going to discuss the lungs and the heart."
"No!" a student moaned. "Not another organ recital!"

Prognosis

A wife accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.  After the husband's examination, the doctor came out shaking his head and looking worried.
"I don't like the looks of your husband," said the doctor.
The wife replied:  "I don't either, but he's good with the children."

Advice to New Doctors

An experienced doctor addressed a medical school graduation class:

"When you're not working, it's important that you relax.  You can't do that if friends are always coming up and asking you for medical opinions.  When that happens, there is one simple word which will put a stop to it."

"Simply look the person in the eye and say, 'Undress!'"


Stress

Sid Simon sez: "My doctor has a great stress test.  It's called the 'bill.'"

Hospital Costs

Sid Simon sez: "I don't blame hospitals for trying to keep costs down, but I really think a coin-operated bed pan is going a little too far."

Mental Floss

Sid Simon sez: "My wife told the doctor that she was afraid my mind was wandering.  The doctor, who knows me, said: 'Don't worry, it can't go far."

Dental Floss

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?  He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Caffeine Addiction

Patient:  "Doctor, whenever I drink coffee, I get a pain in my eye."
Doctor:  "Well, take the damn spoon out of the cup, dummy!"

Medical Insurance

Doctor:  "Just how long have you been wearing pink panties?"
Patient:  "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment."

Rabbit Test

Moe:  "What do you call an anaesthesized rabbit?"
Joe:    "An ether bunny."

Husband's Medical Condition

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.  After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone and said:  "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress.  If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal he can take to work.
4. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.
5. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.
6. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs.
7. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.
8. Most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife: "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die,"  she replied.

Surgery

Sid Sez: "The definition of minor surgery is: An operation performed on somebody else."

Listen up!

Joe:  "Hey, I got a great new hearing aid!"
Moe: "What kind is it?"
Joe:  "Three o'clock."

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OK, here is the slightly naughty submission for today.

Mom's Affair

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.  One day, her 9-year old son hides in the closet during one of her romps.  Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes it is."
Boy, "I have a baseball."
Man, "That's nice."
Boy, "Want to buy it?"
Man, "No thanks."
Boy, "My dad's outside."
Man, "OK, how much?"
Boy, "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.

Boy, "It's dark in here."
Man, "Yes, it is."
Boy, "I have a baseball glove."
Man, Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy, "$750."
Man, "Fine."

A few days later, the father says  to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove.  Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't.  I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy says, "$1,000"

The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.  That's more than those things cost.  I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go into the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"

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Hope I didn't offend anyone with that one. 
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Ralph Waldo Emerson said:

"To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place... to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.  This is to have succeeded."
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Some Jokes to Welcome Fall

It's time for my monthly joke Blog entry.  Twelve hilarious jokes, guaranteed to cheer you up or put you to sleep.  You decide.

1.  Bus Driver Religious Joke #1

On our crab feast ride today, the driver, Ken, who works for Rill's Bus Company, told the following joke, in which he included the name of a well-known clergyman in Carroll County Maryland.
...

Sister Margaret was driving through a small town, delivering donated medical equipment to sickly shut-ins, when her car ran out of gas.  Being an independent person, she walked to the Gas Station, about a quarter of a mile away. 

The attendant told her that his only gasoline can was on loan to a customer and there was no container in the shop that could hold gasoline.

Undeterred, Sister Margaret trekked back to her car and uncovered the only thing available that could hold fluid.. a bed pan.   Holding it under her arm, she walked back to the station and got it filled with gasoline. 

As she got back to her car, and was filling the gas tank from the bed pan, Reverend Lou Piel drove by, and stopped to observe. He looked on in astonishment and turned to his wife and said:  "If that car starts after this, I'm converting!"

2.  Bus Driver Religious Joke #2

Ken was now on a roll and followed up with another joke.
...

A young boy was standing in the back of a church looking at a long list of names.  Just then, the Preacher walked by and the boy asked what the list was all about.  The Preacher said:  That is a list of the people who died in the service."

The boy asked: "Was that the 9:30 service or the 11 am service?"

3.  The Genie

Since I'm naming actual people in this blog entry, let me tell a joke that I believe was first told to an audience by Hermine Saunders, another famous Carroll County Maryland personage.
...

A guy was walking along a beach and found a bottle.  As he rubbed the sand off of it with his handkerchief, a Genie appeared.   Since the Genie was only a Genie Third Class, he could only offer the finder one wish.

The man thought very long and hard, and finally came up with a wish.

"Since I hate to fly, but love Hawaii, I want you to build me a bridge across the Pacific, so I can drive there."

The Genie thought very long and hard, and finally said that building a bridge like that would use up tons and tons of resources, require travel plazas, hotels, and restaurants.  He wondered if the man could perhaps come up with a different wish.

So, the man sat down and once again thought very long and hard, and finally came up with a new wish.

"I would like you to make me able to understand women."

The Genie immediately responded:  "Would you like two or four lanes?"

4.  Grouchy Lady Version #1

Roy Chiavacci, Executive Vice President of the place I live, Carroll Lutheran Village, is a masterful joke teller.  I've stolen some of his jokes before to be put into this blog.  This is how he kind of told this joke recently at the Village.
...

A lady had been very grouchy and grumpy lately.  Her husband talked her into having a medical checkup to find out what was wrong. 

At the end of the session, the Doctor and the man's wife came out of the examination room, and the Doctor suddenly grabbed the lady in his arms and gave her a big voluptuous kiss.  He then said: "This is what your wife needs.  And she needs it three times a week."

The husband then said: "Well, I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I'll have to get somebody else to bring her in on Friday."

5.  Grouchy Lady Version #2

My friend, Alan Kaufman, Distinguished Toastmaster and celebrated story-teller throughout the East Coast, tells this version.. which I will try to not screw up too much.
...

Mr. Jones brought his wife in to see the Doctor.  He told the doc that his wife has been very irritable and grouchy lately.. in fact, she has been kvetchy.. 

The Doctor took a look at Mrs. Jones and gave his diagnosis.  He said:  "This case is easy.  Your wife is starved for affection.  She needs some loving.. at least three times a week."

Mr. Jones said: "Well, okay, put me down for Mondays."

6. Who's on?

Someone send me the beginning of an upgraded Abbott and Costello routine:

Abbott:  Computer Store, can I help you?

Costello: I want to buy a computer.

Abbott:  Mac?

Costello:  No, this is Lou.

Abbott:  Do you want Windows?

Costello:  Why, is it stuffy in here?

and more of the same... you can write it yourself.

7.  Picking on Women Drivers?

Wife on phone to husband:  "I've got good news and bad news."

Husband: "Tell me the good news first."

Wife:  "The airbag works."

8.  Marriage?

A couple is lying in bed one night when the woman turns to the man and says: "I'm going to make you the happiest man in the world."

The man responded: "I'm going to miss you."

9.  The Draft

A young man was not happy when he received his draft notice, and decided to give answers to the doctors' questions that would help him fail the physical.

Doctor: "What can you see on that wall over there?"

Young Man:  "What wall?"

Doctor:  "Congratulations!  You just passed the Hearing Test."

10.  The Hand Appears

This comes from a 2006 issue of Weekly World News.
...
A man was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a storm.

Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop.  Without thinking, the man got into the back seat, closed the door, and then realized there was no one behind the  wheel!

The car started slowly and the man panicked as he looked out at the road and saw a curve coming up.,  Scared, he started to pray for his life.

Suddenly, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.  Frozen with fear, the man watched how the hand appeared every time, right before a curve.

Gathering his strength, the passenger finally jumped from the car and ran to the nearest town.  He went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the terrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the man was serious.

About half an hour later, two men walked into the same restaurant.  They looked around for a table when one said to the other, "Hey, look! That's the guy who got in the car when we were pushing it."

11.  Driving

A State policeman saw an older lady drive by.. she was knitting while she drove.

He pulled his vehicle next to her and yelled: "Pull over!"

She yelled back at him with a smile, "No, cardigan."

12. Logic

Little Johnny's Kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station where they saw pictures tacked  to a bulletin board of the ten most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman.  "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked: "Then why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
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Well, at least we can still laugh. Right?

Elaine sez: "In the past couple of years, we have experienced at our home, a blizzard, a tornado, an earthquake and now a hurricane.  What's left for us?"

Hey, how about a mutated strain of bird flu?  Sometimes, some of us feel a bit like Job.  But life goes on, and it is wonderful here in the good old U S of A, because, regardless of the weather, recessions and depressions, ineptitude of some in Congress, a stock market roller coaster... we are free to make fun of our situations..and our leaders... and ourselves.   So, here are a few jokes that I hope will make your day a little brighter.

01.  Life style

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by an extremely dirty and shabby-looking bum, who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.  The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked: "If I give you this money, will you use it to buy whiskey?"

"No, I quit drinking years ago,"  the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble.  I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you crazy!  I haven't played golf in twenty years!"

The man said: "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars.  Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded.  "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?  I know I'm dirty and smell bad."

The man replied: "That's OK.  I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

02. Confession 

I was a city boy, but my wife comes from the country.  She really likes me.  The other day, I asked her why.  She said that since she was raised in the country, when she is next to a jackass, she really feels good.

03.  Dental hygiene

I broke my teeth last week in the mall, and a guy walking by said:  "Hey, I've got a set here you can use."  I tried it, but it was too tight.  He had another set, I tried it, but it was too loose.

He had one more set, and it was just right.  I told him: "I sure was lucky that you, a dentist, were nearby."

He said: "I'm not a dentist, I'm a funeral director."

04.  Philosophy

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.  There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

05.  More Philosophy

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.. then it dawned on me.. they are cramming for their finals.

06.  Eulogy

A guy who was not well liked in the community died.  His wife asked a minister to deliver the eulogy.  The minister told the wife, "You can't be serious.. everybody knows what a terrible person your husband was."

But she pleaded with him.  "I know that you can find something nice to say about hiim.

The next day, the minister said to the mourners, "Today, we are gathered here to pay our final respects to Jim Jones.  He was not a very nice person.  He never supported his wife ande family.  He drank, gambled, and ran around with other women.  But compared to his brother Tom, he was an angel!"

07.  Getting older

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree, when one turns to the other and says:  "Joe, I'm 88 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.  I know you're about my age.  How do you feel?"

Joe says: "I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really?  Like a new-born baby?"

"Yep.  No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

08.  Gardening

I planted some bird seed and guess what came up.  That's right.. birds.

09.  Marriage

A newspaper was interviewing a couple who had been married for 65 years.  The reporter asked the wife: "How long would you like to live?"  She replied: "100 years."

The reporter then asked the husband: "How long would you like to live?"  He replied: "101 years."

The reporter asked the man: "Why do you want to live a year longer than your wife?"

The man replied:  "Well.. that way I would get at least one year of peace and quiet."

10.  Sweets

A preacher goes into a nursing home to meet with an elderly parishioner.

As he is sitting there he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one.  As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after another.

By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty.

He says: "Ma'm, I'm sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."

"That's okay," she says.  "They would have just sat there. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back.'

11. Sports

Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today, it's called golf.

12.  Poem

My face in the mirror isn't wrinkled or drawn..

My house isn't dirty..

The cobwebs are gone..

My garden looks nice, and so does my lawn..

I think I may never put my glasses back on!

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That's funny! (I hope)

Happy Birthday, Ivan Gibbs!

I have been quite busy lately, and haven't had time to post my usual "monthly dozen" of jokes.. so I'll try to catch up.  Here are two dozen.. and, as usual, you will have to take the good with the bad. 

01.  Miss Kitty said?

Guy 1:  "Hey.. do you think they have cats in heaven?"

Guy 2:  "Of course.  Where do you think they get strings for their harps?"

02.  Dog lover said?

Guy 1:  "My dog is wonderful.  He cost me $500.  He's part Terrier and part Bull."

Guy 2:  "Which part is Bull?"

Guy 1:  "The part about it costing me $500."

03.  Groucho said?

"I once worked a really cheap theater in the round.  The stage didn't rotate.. every few minutes the audience had to get up and change seats."

04. O. Henry said:

"A story with a moral appended is like the bill of the mosquito.  It bores you and then injects a stinging drop to irritate your conscience."

05.  Phyllis Diller said?

"I once went braless and wore a peek-a-boo blouse.  It was embarrassing.  First they'd peek, then they'd boo."

06.  What if budget cuts affected 911 operators?

"Thank you for calling 911, your emergency number.  Normally, we would ask if you wanted police, fire, or ambulance, but all of our operators are busy helping other callers at the moment.  If you will stay on the line, your call will be answered in turn."

07.  Old Couple.

Did you hear about the couple who got married so late in life that Medicare paid for the honeymoon?

08.  Old Maid.

Did you hear about the old maid who  sent her picture to a "Lonely Hearts Club?"  They returned it with a note saying: "Sorry.. but we're not that lonely!"

09.  The wisdom of age.

The old man's expectant relatives were gathered for the reading of the will after his death.

The lawyer read from the will as follows:

"Being of sound mind.  I spent every last cent before I died."

10.  Religious truisms? (wait for complaints.)

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Catholics do not recognize Luther as the head of their church.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

11.  Classic naughtiness from BBC's Captain Peacock:

On the breast of a barmaid from Vale
Was tatooed all the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was recorded the same thing in Braille.

12.  Hunger.

The newlywed husband came home from work to find his wife in tears.

"Supper is scorched!" she sobbed.

"What happened?"  he asked.  "Did the Burger King burn down?"

13.  Money.

A counterfeiter, new to the business, gave the bartender a nine dollar bill to pay for his two dollar beer.

The bartender glanced at it, tossed it in his cash register. and gave the customer a four dollar bill and a three dollar bill in change.  The counterfeiter smiled, realizing the bartender was on to him.

"At least I beat you out of a beer!" he said as he was about to head for the door.

"What makes you think that was beer?" the bartender asked.

14.  Bible study.

One Sunday, a preacher announced that his next sermon would be on the topic of lying.

"To prepare, I'd like you all to read the 30th chapter of the Book of Matthew," he said.

The next Sunday, he asked those who had done the recommended reading to raise their hands.  All hands went up.

"That's a good introduction to my topic," said the preacher.

"You're all liars.  There is no 30th chapter in the Book of Matthew!"

15.  Cheap guy.

"My father invented the limbo dance.  He was trying to sneak into a pay toilet."

16.  Norm Crosby said:

"Two antennas got married.  The wedding wasn't too spectacular.. but the reception was excellent."

17.  Old Couple.

My wife and I are growing old.  Last week she asked me to make her a banana split.  A half hour later, I brought her bacon and eggs.  She said: "I knew you'd forget the toast."

18.  Old Rocker.

At a senior community, I encountered an elderly lady rocking back and forth like a metronome.  I asked her why.

She said: "So I can tell time."

So I asked her: "What time is it?"

She replied: "6:30."

I said: "But you're wrong, it's 6:45."

She said: "It is?" 

Now rocking faster, she said: "I must be slow."

19. Illness.

Guy 1: "How was your trip?"

Guy 2: "I was sick the whole time because I can't ride backwards on a train."

Guy 1: "Why didn't you switch with the person sitting across from you?"

Guy 2.  "That's a good idea, but nobody was there."

20.  Marriage.

Guy 1: "For 20 years my wife and I were ecstatically happy!"

Guy 2:  "What happened then?"

Guy 1:  "We met.

21.  Marriage.

Guy 1:  "They say your wife is outspoken."

Guy 2:  "By whom?"

22.  Marriage in Minnesota:

I bought my wife a refrigerator during the Winter.  She had a great job breaking ice up into small pieces to put in those little trays.

23.  Holiday wish.

As the Fourth of July holiday approached, I noticed a sad looking young lady pushing a stroller holding two toddlers, while she carried an infant in her arms.  To try to cheer her up, I said: "Happy Fourth!"

She slapped my face.

24.  Marriage.

Young lady:  "Can I marry an octopus?"

Lawyer:  "No, of course not!"

Young lady:  "Then how do I get rid of 8 engagement rings?"

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Some Jokes for a very windy and rainy day.

Our screens are blowing away and our trees are bending over in the wind.  Our outside grill just tipped completely over, and,  our cat SuZee is scared to death.. so now might be a good time to type a few jokes and try to cheer up.

01.  Easter riddle:

What do you call an anaesthetised rabbit?

An ether bunny.

02.  Polititical riddle:

What do you call an emotional Conservative?

An emoticon.

OK, I know.. this was a lousy way to start.  I'll try to do better.

03.  Survival.

Pat and Mike were camping in the woods and they saw a bear come into their camp.  Pat immediately started to put on his sneakers.   Mike asked him: "Why are you doing that?  Are you going to try to outrun the bear?"  Pat said: "No, I'm just going to outrun you."

04.  Health.

Pat: "Hey, Mike, I just bought a new hearing aid."
Mike:  "That's great.. what kind is it?"
Pat:  "Five O'clock."

05.  Sports.

The big animals were playing the liittle animals and at half-time, the elephant asked the centipede:
"Where were you the first half?"   The centipede replied: "Getting my ankles taped."

06.  Beer.

Four beer company executives were in a bar.

The Corona beer guy said:  "Senor, give me the crown of beer.. Corona!"

The Coors beer guy said:  "Give me a beer brewed by a mountain stream.. Coors!" 

The Budweiser guy said: "Give me a Bud!"

The Guiness guy said: "Give me a coke!"

The bartendar said: "A Coke? Why did you ask for that?"

The Guiness guy said: "Well, if the other guys aren't going to drink beer, I'm not going to either!"

07.  Old Age.

A 90 year old man was crying.  I asked him why.

He said: "I just married a 30 year old woman.  The sex is great and she washes my clothes and is an excellent cook."

"Then, why are you crying?"

"Because I can't remember where I live."

08.  Old Age.

Another 90 year old man observed a little boy sitting on the curb, crying.

Old man: "Son, why are you crying?"

Boy: "Because I can't do what the big boys do."

The old man sat down beside him and cried too.

09.  Medication.

My brother mixed up Ben Gay and Preparation H, and now his shoulder is shrinking.

10.  Doctor's advice.

Baltimore Man:  "Doctor, how can I improve my sex life?"

Hopkins Doctor:  "Jog everyday for three hours, and call me in ten days."

Call:  Doctor:  "Well, how is your sex life now?"

Call:  Man: "How can I tell.. I'm in Chicago."

11.  Bible study.

A long time ago, God was mopping His brow after finishing a difficult task.

"Whew!  I just made 24 hours of alternating light and dark!"

A nearby angel asked: "What are You going to do now?"

God replied, "I think I'll call it a day."

12.  Atheism.

An atheist was fishing in Loch Ness, Scotland.

All of a sudden, a monster raised up out of the lake and the atheist yelled:  "God, help me!"

God replied immediately: "Why call on me after all these years?  You said that you didn't believe in me."

The former atheist replied: "God, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!" 


....  I usually quit after a dozen jokes, but today, because of the mini hurricane outside,  I think a few more jokes would help to pass the time..

13.  Marriage.

A man bought his wife a new negligee.  The wife tried it on, but it was too small, so she got naked instead.  In bed, with the lights out, the husband says, "That negligee was very expensive.  They could have at least pressed it!"

14.  Ten Commandments:

(CJ.. Chaplain Jimmy.. the main preacher where I live in Maryland told a version of the following joke.. substituting a bicycle for the lost item.)

A man went to church on Sunday and heard a sermon about the Ten Commandments. This caused him to go to Confession.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," he began.
"Go ahead, my son," said the priest.
"Well, I lost my hat and I came to church to steal one.  But I heard your great sermon and I changed my mind."
"That's good, my son, 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' is a powerful commandment," said the priest.
"That's right," the man replied, "But it was when you said 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' that I finally remembered where my hat was."

15.  Inheritance story.

A young man, still living at home, expected to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widowed father died.  He decided that he needed a woman to enjoy it with him.  He went to several single bars until he found a woman that he fell immediately in love with.  He walked up to her and said: "Right now, I'm just an average guy, but within a month or two, my father will die and I will inherit 80 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with the young man.... and within a week she had become his stepmother.

16. Lost in the Mall.

A little boy was lost in a large shopping mall.  He approached a uniformed policeman and said: "I've lost my grandpa!"

The policeman askked: "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then answered:  "Budweiser beer and women with big butts."

In Honor of Roy Chiavacci, Exec VP of CLV

Roy is a master joke teller and always has a story to tell at our monthly meetings here in Carroll Lutheran Village. Usually, I write down these gems and tell them wherever and whenever anyone will listen to me. Our local AARP Chapter members are usually a captive audience. Some of these may be ones I've stolen from Roy.

01. Secret Agent.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter the circumstances. Inside of the room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said: "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said: "Then you are not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a while. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I couldn't kill my wife."

The agent said: "You don't have what it takes for the job. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She indicated that she had a mild case of PMS, needed to take an aspirin, and wanted to know how long this testing phase was going to last. "Just a few minutes," said the CIA agent, so she took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the wall. After a few minutes all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. Wiping the sweat from her brow, she said: "This damn gun is loaded with blanks, so I had to beat him to death with the chair."

02. Marriage.

A lonely woman inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband wanted." The next day, she received over one hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

03. Marriage.. from Henny Youngman .. probably.

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week we go out to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food, and companionship. She goes Tuesday; I go Fridays.

04. Chaste?

In a tiny Irish village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin, and very proud of it.

When she knew her last days were approaching, she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone.

LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN

Not long after that the old lady died peacefully. When the undertaker went to carve the inscription, he found that the tombstone was too small for her request to fit.

He thought long and hard as to how he could fulfill the old maid's request with such limited space available to him.

After agonizing over this dilemma for days, the answer finally came to him, and the following inscription was carved into her tombstone:

RETURNED UNOPENED

05. Driving. (Henny?)

My wife is such a bad driver, a policeman gave her a season ticket.

06. Marriage.

Traffic Cop: (stopping motorist) "Mister, your wife fell out of the car three blocks back."

Motorist: "Thank goodness. I thought I'd gone deaf."

07. Marriage.

Wife: "You never notice what I wear."

Husband: "That's not true. Try me."

The next night, the wife asked: "What am I wearing that's different?"

Husband: "New stockings?" (no) "New hat?" (no) "I give up, what is it?"

Wife: "I'm wearing a gas mask."

08. Marriage.

Wife: "Honey, I can't get the car started. I think it's flooded."

Husband: "Where is it?"

Wife: "In the swimming pool."

09. Last writes?

Old John's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly he motions to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and John uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, and then dies.

The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket.

At John's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when John died.

"John handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing John, I'm sure there is a word of inspiration in it for us all."

Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

10. Marriage.

Husband: "While I was just out mowing the lawn, a lady came by, rolled down her window, and asked me: 'Hey.. how much do you get for mowing a lawn?'"

Wife: "What did you tell her?"

Husband: "I said.. well, the lady of the house lets me sleep with her."

11. At the Bistro? (I don't think so.)

There is a sign at the cashier's station that reads: "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

A wiseguy in line pointed at the sign and said: "Believe me, if I had a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating in a joint like this."

12. Grammar.

These are the famous Brandreth's Grammatical Rules for Secretaries:

1. Don't use no double negatives.
2. Make each pronoun agree with their antecedent.
3. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
4. About them sentence fragments.
5. When dangling, watch your particles.
6. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
7. Just between you and I, case is important too.
8. Don't write run-on sentences they are hard to read.
9. Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
10. Try not to oversplit infinitives.
11. It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
12. Proofread your writing to if any words out.
13. Correct spelling is esential.

Spring is here?

It doesn't seem like it, here in Maryland in 2011, but the calendar says it's Spring. Our daffodils are up above the ground and we are waiting to see if their blossoms are pink, as we were told they would be.

Today, I give a talk on humor at the first Carroll County Chapter Meeting for the Maryland Senior Citizens Hall of Fame. I think it might be fun. Meanwhile, a month has passed since I posted jokes to this blog, so here goes:

01. Signs of Old Age from Jacqui Wilson in the HCFA/CSM Journal:

You forget names, but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.

You've never heard of most of the persons in People Magazine.

When people say you look "Great," they add: "for your age."

The five pounds you wanted to lose is now fifteen, and you have a better chance of losing your keys than losing those fifteen pounds.

Everybody whispers.

02. In-laws.

Q: What is the fifference between outlaws and in-laws?

A: Outlaws are wanted.

03. Middle-age.

Molly McGee (Fibber's wife) said that the "dangerous age" for men is when their pants get long, and their breath gets short.

04. Effects of Surgery. (From Alan Kaufman)

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."

She said, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

05. Ballet.

Archie Bunker: "I wonder about all those sissified ballet dancers, dancing on their toes. Why don't they just get taller dancers?"

06. Disease:

Henny Youngman: "My doctor told me I had shingles, and he threw me off the roof."

07. Bumper Sticker:

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer!

08. Puzzled grave seeker.

Man in Graveyard: "I'm looking for the grave of the man who invented the crossword puzzle. You know, people visit it all the time and leave little gifts. Can you tell me where it is?

Graveyard Attendant: "Yes, it's easy to find. Go 2 down and 3 across.

09. Marriage.

Little Boy: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

Father: "I don't know, son. I'm still paying."

10. Men and Women.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

11. Gravestone.

A nagging wife had this gravestone placed over her deceased husband's grave:

RIP -- Until We Meet Again

12. The New CEO

(This classic showed up in my email.. maybe from Bonnie Ciborowski.)

A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked: "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Delivery guy from Pizza Hut."

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Some Jokes for the Beginning of 2011

01. Dieting:

Poem:

My soul is dark with raging riot,

Directly traceable to diet.

(anon)

Thoughts:

0-- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

0-- If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

0-- Help keep your kitchen clean. Eat out.

0-- My next house will have no kitchen.. just vending machines.

0-- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

02. Religion and kids: An AARP friend of mine named Clyde Kreitser used to like to tell this story.

A 5 year-old boy went with his parents to church. The preacher's sermon was on SIN and he made sure that everybody knew that if they sinned, they would roast in Hell fire until they were ashes.

The little boy listened intently and then raised his hand and asked the preacher: "I'm in Kindergarten, so, if I am bad and die, will I just become a cinder?"

03. Politics and kids: Clare Mezzanotte told us about this exchange:

Grandma Clare just came back from voting in a Presidential election.

Her 4 year-old grandson asked her: "Did you vote for Bushington?"

04. Mind games:

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First, I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies: "That is very simple. You are just too tents."

05. DIY:

Question: How many men does it take to wallpaper a bedroom?

Answer: Two, if you slice them thin enough.

06. Marriage:

"What's your husband getting for his 50th birthday?" the woman asked her friend.

"Fat and bald, " she replied.

07. Death:

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you are in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Friend 1 said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Friend 2 said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God, who made a big difference in people's lives."

Friend 3 said: "I'd like them to say, 'Hey, look! He's moving!'"

08. Genie:

A guy rubbed a lamp and the emerging genie gave him one wish. So, he thought long and hard, and then said: "I would like to have a chick with long legs!" So the genie gave him an ostrich.

09. Animals:

Judge, my wife keeps a goat in the bedroom and I can't stand the smell any longer.

Why don't you open the window?

What.. and let my chickens out?

10. Religion:

The preacher was greeting his flock after the Sunday service when a young boy stopped and told him: "I want to grow up and get a good job so I can give you and your church lots of money."

"That's very nice," the pastor said. "And what made you decide to be so generous?"

"Today's sermon," replied the boy.

"Oh," the pastor beamed; "What was it about the sermon?"

"Well, when you finished, my dad said you were about the poorest preacher he's ever heard."

11. Money:

The snooty heir told a friend, "I'm going to inherit a newspaper from my rich dad."

"So what?" said the friend. "I buy a new one every day."

12. Feghoot:

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and they were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved away.

"Because," he said: "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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More December 2010 Jokes

If you are feeling a little blue this season, try a few of these jokes and see if they pick you up a bit. Some are from a guy named Paul Seipp, who does music and comical patter, Steve Allen, Louise Miller, and one is from Pastor Jimmy (Carroll Lutheran Village) ... guess which one..

01. Aging.

1st guy: "I have a new hearing aid."
2nd guy: "What kind is it?"
1st guy: "Three O'clock."

02. Marriage.

If my wife sees anything "marked down", she buys it. Last week, she came home with 8 dresses and one escalator.

03. Marriage.

My wife had plastic surgery last week. I cut up her credit cards.

04. Ten Commandments.

A preacher addressed his congregation: "Yesterday, I had my bicycle stolen and today I decided to talk about the Ten Commandments, especially the one that says: Thou shalt not steal."

Part of the way into his sermon, at the commandment that states: Thou shalt not commit adultery, he suddenly stopped, and left the pulpit, saying as he went: "I just remembered where I left my bicycle."

05. The Bible.

A seller of Bibles was the top salesman for months. Other less successful sellers wanted to know his secret, since he was a very bad stutterer. He told them: "I j-j-just ask people: do you want to b-b-buy a B-B-Bible, or d-d-do you want me to read it to you?"

06. Logic.

A professor, trying to emphasize a point in logic, asked his class: "If the U.S. is bounded on the north by Canada, on the west by the Pacific Ocean, on the east by the Atlantic Ocean, and on the south by Mexico, how old am I?"

Everybody was stumped except for the class dumbbell who said: "You are 44 years old."

The amazed professor said: "That's right! How did you figure that out?"

The student said: "That's easy. I have a brother who is 1/2 as nuts as you and he's 22."

07. More Logic.

A teacher asked Jim: "How much is ten times eight?"

Jim: "Monday."

Teacher: "That's silly. Billy, how much is ten times eight?"

Billy: "Watermelon."

Teacher: "That's silly too. Joey, how much is ten times eight?"

Joey: "Eighty."

Teacher: "That's right, Joey. Now tell the class how you got that answer."

Joey: "Well, I subtracted Monday from Watermelon."

08. Marriage:

A 92 year old gentleman brought his 18 year old girlfriend to the church to be married.

The priest said: "The baptismal font is on the other side of the church."

Old man: "What do I want with the font?"

Priest: "Oh, I beg your pardon, I thought you had brought this child to be baptised."

09. Even more logic.

A teacher told her class: "You all saw the worm swimming happily in the glass of water. But when I put the worm in a glass of alcohol, it died. What does that prove?"

Student: If you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."

10. Marriage.

Question: Why do men die before women?

Answer: Self-defence.

11. Recipe file.

Question: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Answer: You can roast beef, but you cannot pee soup.

12. Military.

Question: When you were in the Army, did you get a commission?

Answer: No.. just straight pay.

Bonus!

Aging logic.

An elderly couple visited a doctor and complained about their sex life. The doctor examined them and gave them some advice and told them to go into an adjoining little room and try it out. They came back after a long time and told the doctor that it worked fine, and left.

A month later, the couple returned with the same complaint. The doctor repeated the procedure and had them go into the little room. Once again, the couple reported satisfaction and started to leave. The doctor stopped them and said that perhaps the strange surrondings were stimulating and that maybe next time they should try a motel room instead.

The elderly lady replied that they had been doing that before, but the motel room cost $50, whereas his fee was $100, and they got back $90 from Medicare.

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Post-Election Jokes

Now that the elections are over, comedians across the U.S. will be having fun picking on the newly elected as well as the out-going folks. I won't do that, I will just tell a few old jokes that you probably have heard many times before, and maybe a couple that you haven't heard before.

01. YMCA. A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst out into shrieks, with the ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked: "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

02. Vital question. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

03. Religion. Joke from Bill Engelhardt: A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since leavened bread is forbidden during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzo, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.

A little later, a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"

04. Religion. An Irish priest was driving down to New York and got stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He said: "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," said the priest.
The trooper said, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

05. Computer poem. (attributed to Bill Gates, but I doubt it.)

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online'.

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy', 'Scan', and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!

06. Truisms.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

Dijon vu ... the same mustard as before.

That name Pavlov rings a bell.

When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

07. Religion.

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked: "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 40 years to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. She even changed her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on the way home, she was hit and killed by a truck.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the truck?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

08. Women. Middle age is when you go prematurely blond.

09. Marriage. A woman finally got married at the age of 89. Her friend asked her:
"Is he handsome?" ... "No."
"Is he rich?" ... "No."
"Is he fun?"... "No."
"Then why did you marry him?"... "Because he can drive at night."

10. Money. The owner of a small business was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Maryland, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 15%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

11. Mothers. (Perhaps from Henny Youngman.)

A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son asked: "Why are you so weak?"
She said: "Because I haven't eaten in 40 days."
The son asked: "Why haven't you eaten in 40 days?"
The mother answered: "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

12. More questions.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a man who invests all your money called a broker?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it: FED UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

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How about a little less negativity?

Most of you, like me, are probably completely fed up with the excessively negative political ads this year. Why don't you take a few minutes to read some jokes and perhaps have a laugh to counter those depressing ads, at least for a while.

01. Finances. A lady went to a bank drive-through teller and asked to have a check cashed. The teller asked her if she had an account there. She said "No", so the teller asked to see her license. So she put the car in gear andd drove forwards and backwards.

02. Military. General Von Steuben addressed his soldiers at Valley Forge. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are all going to have a change of underwear. The bad news is that Bill will change with Joe, Joe with Jim, and, etc."

03. Landscaping. The only time my lawn looks as good as my neighbor's is when there is a snow storm. (from the BBC's My Word.)

04. Driving: A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove over the curb, and stopped inches away from a plate glass window.

Finally, the shaking cab driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylight out of me." The passenger apologized but said that he wouldn't have thought that a mere tap on the shoulder would scare him so much.

The driver replied, "Oh, no, its all my fault. Today is my first day driving a taxi. I've been driving a hearse for the past 20 years."

(stolen from the Westminster Senior Center Chatterbox)

05. Debt. The President of a South American country died and had a very large funeral, at which a letter from the Presiden't was read. In it, he accused his three Vice Presidents of cheating him out of some of the government's funds that were to be used for his personal use.

The first VP got up and said he was sorry for what he had done and said that he would put 50% of the ill-gotten money into the coffin, to be buried with the President, and he placed the cash in the coffin. The second VP felt even worse and put 2/3rds of the cash he had pilfered into the coffin. The third VP said that he felt even more sorry than the others and would put 100% of his debt into the coffin. So, the third VP wrote a check for the full amount and put it into the coffin.

06. Aging: Bonnie Ciborowski sent this to me some time ago.

"Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you are barefoot.

"Old" is when going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"Old" is when you get cautioned to slow down by the doctor, instead of by the policeman.

"Old" is when "Getty Lucky" means you are able to find your car in the parking lot.

07. Bible. More bible quotes from children:

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was, by profession a taxi driver.

08. Life. Poem:

I get up in the morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead,
So, I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

09. Letha's jokes.

My wonderful secretary, Letha Alston, passed away in 2006. I noted a memorial about her in the Baltimore Sun the other day, and it reminded me of some truisms that she told me.

"The easiest way to stay awake during an afternoon dinner speech, is to deliver it."

"Middle age is when your narrow waist and broad mind begin to change places."

"You know you've reached middle age when weight lifting consists of just standing up."

How true!

As I've said elsewhere, Letha sent me a birthday card one day that read: "You remind me of Chinese food... Egg Foo Old!"

10. Marriage.

There are three rings that are important in a husband's life:

1. Engagement ring.
2. Wedding ring.
3. Suffering.

11. Truisms. Thoughts for delivery at an AARP meeting:

Good friends are hard to come by. When you need them, they hardly come by.

Happy wife, happy life.

Just think, if you're having a senior moment.. you are still alive!

As Liz Taylor said to her 8th husband: "I won't keep you long."

She went to Penn State, and her husband went to the State Pen.

What is so significant about your "other?"

12. Kids.

A woman was trying hard to get ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang and her four year old daughter answered it. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother and then said to the minister: "Mommy can't come to the phone right now, she's hitting the bottle."


Bye for now and have a funny day!
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Some Jokes to Start

The world needs more laughter, so I am setting up a new blog as a vehicle for passing on jokes, puns and other humorous stuff. I believe that all of material I plan to post is in the public domain; at least, I don't have the faintest idea where most of it came from.. and if I ever find out, I will share that information with you. I've been collecting what I think is humorous material for fifty years and now it is time to share it with y'all, whether you want me to, or not.



01. Christmas:


There will no longer be nativity scenes in Washington, D.C. Nobody is complaining about that because everyone knows that it has now become impossible to find three wise men and a virgin in our nation's capitol. However, there are still plenty of asses available for the stable.


02. Marriage:


Husband: "My wife handles all the smaill decisions and I handle all the big ones."
Friend: "Give me an example."
Husband: "Well, we haven't had any big ones yet."


03. Marriage:


They had a very short marriage, they fought over custody of the wedding cake.


04. Homework:


Teacher: "Wieso kommst du denn schon wieder zu spaet, Jens?"
Jens:: "Ich bin auf dem Schulweg ueberfallen worden!"
Teacher: "Was? Wurde dir etwas geraubt?"
Jens: "Ja, zum Glueck aber nur die Hausaufgaben!"

05. Introductions:

Speaker Joe Vaughan: "You don't need to give me a long introduction."

Toastmaster: "O.K."

Toastmaster: "Our speaker today is Joe Vaughan, and the less said about him the better."

06. Cross:

Q. What do you get if you cross an apeman with a zebra?

A. Tarzan stripes forever.

07. Trickery:

Q. How do you keep a turkey in suspence?

A. I'll tell you tomorrow.

08. Marriage:

A 96 year old man and a 93 year old woman are about to get married. The groom goes into a drug store and tells the manager that because he is getting married, he needs Viagra, heart medicine, vitamin pills, hernia aids, etc, etc.

The drug store manager says: "Well then, can we set up a registry for you?"

09. Aging:

Because the population is aging, the Gallop Poll will now be called the Walker Poll.

10. Aging:

There are certain signs that you are getting old. The other day I walked past a cemetery and two guys ran after me with shovels.

11. Aging:

The best part of living to 103.. there is no peer pressure.

12. Aging:

Customer: "What do you have for gray hair?"

Barber: "A lot of respect."

13. History:

Jim: "What do you think of a man who goes horseback riding at 3 o'clock in the morning?"

Bill: "I would say that he is very eccentric."

Jim: "So.. poking fun at Paul Revere, are you?"

14. Fish:

A baby sardine sees a submarine and races to his mama sardine.

Mama sardine says: "Don't be scared.. it's just a can of people."

15. Money:

I lent my friend $100 for plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like.

16. Animals:

Man1: "Help! An alligator just bit off my leg!"

Man2: "Which one?"

Man1: "I don't know, alligators all look alike to me."

17. Naughty:

Woman1: "So, how's your sex life?"

Woman2: "Nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

Woman1: "Social Security sex?"

Woman2: "Yeah.. I get a little each month, but not enough to live on."

18. Cheapness:

He's so cheap that when he eats asparagus at a restaurant, he leaves the tip.

19. Office:

I swallowed a rubber band and have been making snap decisions all day.

20. Animals:

An angry dog walks into a bar and says: "I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw!"

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