Well, at least we can still laugh. Right?

Elaine sez: "In the past couple of years, we have experienced at our home, a blizzard, a tornado, an earthquake and now a hurricane.  What's left for us?"

Hey, how about a mutated strain of bird flu?  Sometimes, some of us feel a bit like Job.  But life goes on, and it is wonderful here in the good old U S of A, because, regardless of the weather, recessions and depressions, ineptitude of some in Congress, a stock market roller coaster... we are free to make fun of our situations..and our leaders... and ourselves.   So, here are a few jokes that I hope will make your day a little brighter.

01.  Life style

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by an extremely dirty and shabby-looking bum, who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.  The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked: "If I give you this money, will you use it to buy whiskey?"

"No, I quit drinking years ago,"  the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble.  I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you crazy!  I haven't played golf in twenty years!"

The man said: "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars.  Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded.  "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?  I know I'm dirty and smell bad."

The man replied: "That's OK.  I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

02. Confession 

I was a city boy, but my wife comes from the country.  She really likes me.  The other day, I asked her why.  She said that since she was raised in the country, when she is next to a jackass, she really feels good.

03.  Dental hygiene

I broke my teeth last week in the mall, and a guy walking by said:  "Hey, I've got a set here you can use."  I tried it, but it was too tight.  He had another set, I tried it, but it was too loose.

He had one more set, and it was just right.  I told him: "I sure was lucky that you, a dentist, were nearby."

He said: "I'm not a dentist, I'm a funeral director."

04.  Philosophy

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.  There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

05.  More Philosophy

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.. then it dawned on me.. they are cramming for their finals.

06.  Eulogy

A guy who was not well liked in the community died.  His wife asked a minister to deliver the eulogy.  The minister told the wife, "You can't be serious.. everybody knows what a terrible person your husband was."

But she pleaded with him.  "I know that you can find something nice to say about hiim.

The next day, the minister said to the mourners, "Today, we are gathered here to pay our final respects to Jim Jones.  He was not a very nice person.  He never supported his wife ande family.  He drank, gambled, and ran around with other women.  But compared to his brother Tom, he was an angel!"

07.  Getting older

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree, when one turns to the other and says:  "Joe, I'm 88 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.  I know you're about my age.  How do you feel?"

Joe says: "I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really?  Like a new-born baby?"

"Yep.  No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

08.  Gardening

I planted some bird seed and guess what came up.  That's right.. birds.

09.  Marriage

A newspaper was interviewing a couple who had been married for 65 years.  The reporter asked the wife: "How long would you like to live?"  She replied: "100 years."

The reporter then asked the husband: "How long would you like to live?"  He replied: "101 years."

The reporter asked the man: "Why do you want to live a year longer than your wife?"

The man replied:  "Well.. that way I would get at least one year of peace and quiet."

10.  Sweets

A preacher goes into a nursing home to meet with an elderly parishioner.

As he is sitting there he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one.  As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after another.

By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty.

He says: "Ma'm, I'm sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."

"That's okay," she says.  "They would have just sat there. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back.'

11. Sports

Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today, it's called golf.

12.  Poem

My face in the mirror isn't wrinkled or drawn..

My house isn't dirty..

The cobwebs are gone..

My garden looks nice, and so does my lawn..

I think I may never put my glasses back on!

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Gas?

Is the price of gas getting you down?  Well, here is some "gas" that is free.

01.  Pearly Gates

There are two entrances to Heaven for men.  One is marked: "Gate 1: For Those Men Who Dominated Their Wives."  The other entrance is marked: "Gate 2: For Those Men Who Were Dominated By Their Wives."

As would be expected, the line at Gate 2 was extremely long.  But the line at Gate 1 had only one man waiting to get in.

A passing angel asked the man at Gate 1 why he was in that line.  The man answered: "My wife told me to."

02.  Golf

Golfer #1:  "My wife is going to leave me if I don't give up golf."
Golfer #2:  "What are you going to do?"
Golfer #1:  "I'm going to really miss her!"

03.  From Steve Allen #1.. Court

Judge: "Will you tell the court what passed between you and your wife during the quarrel?"
Defendant:  "Yes.  A flatiron, a rolling pin, six plates and a teakettle."

04.  From Steve Allen #2 .. Doctor

I have a great doctor.  I told him I couldn't afford the surgery that he recommended, so he touched up my X-Ray.

05. From Steve Allen #3 .. Poem

I often pause and wonder,
At times peculiar ways,
Nearly all our famous men
Were born on Holidays.

06.  Kids

A boy was watching his father, a preacher, write a sermon.  He asked: "How do you know what to say?"
His father replied: "God tells me what to say."
The boy asked: "Then why do you keep crossing things out?"

07.  More Golf

Question:  Why is golf like taxes?
Answer:     Well, you drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole.

08.  Even more Golf.. from Sid Simon

Give me my golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep my golf clubs and the fresh air.

09.  Doctor's Orders

An old man went to the doctor to get a physical.   A few days later, the doctor saw him walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

The doctor stopped him and said: "You seem to be doing real good."
The old man said:  "Yes, I'm doing what you said to do: 'Get a hot mama and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said: "No.. what I said was: 'You have a heart murmur and be careful!'"

10.  More from Sid Simon .. Doctor stuff

Question:  Why did the doctor fail as a kidnapper?

Answer:    Nobody could read his ransom notes.

11.  Another Genie story

A man at a ballgame absently rubbed  a funny looking coke bottle and a genie suddenly appeared.

Genie:  I only have one wish to grant today.  I can give you either infinite wisdom, or a million dollars.

Man (looking around, seeing people watching him, and not wanting to appear greedy) says: I'll take infinite wisdom.

Whoof!  He is now smarter than anybody else in the world.

A guy seated next to him asked him:  "Now, with infinite wisdom, what is the greatest think that you now know?"

Man:  "I should have taken the damn million dollars!"

12.  Signs from the late Charlie Bennett (2002)

Sign over a gynecologist's office:  "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

Sign outside a muffler shop:  "No appointment necessary.  We hear you coming."

Sign in a veterinarian's waiting room:  "Be back in 5 minutes.  Sit!  Stay!

Sign at a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose."

Sign on an electrician's truck:  "Let us remove your shorts."

Sign on a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

Sign in an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

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