Some Jokes to Welcome Fall

It's time for my monthly joke Blog entry.  Twelve hilarious jokes, guaranteed to cheer you up or put you to sleep.  You decide.

1.  Bus Driver Religious Joke #1

On our crab feast ride today, the driver, Ken, who works for Rill's Bus Company, told the following joke, in which he included the name of a well-known clergyman in Carroll County Maryland.
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Sister Margaret was driving through a small town, delivering donated medical equipment to sickly shut-ins, when her car ran out of gas.  Being an independent person, she walked to the Gas Station, about a quarter of a mile away. 

The attendant told her that his only gasoline can was on loan to a customer and there was no container in the shop that could hold gasoline.

Undeterred, Sister Margaret trekked back to her car and uncovered the only thing available that could hold fluid.. a bed pan.   Holding it under her arm, she walked back to the station and got it filled with gasoline. 

As she got back to her car, and was filling the gas tank from the bed pan, Reverend Lou Piel drove by, and stopped to observe. He looked on in astonishment and turned to his wife and said:  "If that car starts after this, I'm converting!"

2.  Bus Driver Religious Joke #2

Ken was now on a roll and followed up with another joke.
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A young boy was standing in the back of a church looking at a long list of names.  Just then, the Preacher walked by and the boy asked what the list was all about.  The Preacher said:  That is a list of the people who died in the service."

The boy asked: "Was that the 9:30 service or the 11 am service?"

3.  The Genie

Since I'm naming actual people in this blog entry, let me tell a joke that I believe was first told to an audience by Hermine Saunders, another famous Carroll County Maryland personage.
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A guy was walking along a beach and found a bottle.  As he rubbed the sand off of it with his handkerchief, a Genie appeared.   Since the Genie was only a Genie Third Class, he could only offer the finder one wish.

The man thought very long and hard, and finally came up with a wish.

"Since I hate to fly, but love Hawaii, I want you to build me a bridge across the Pacific, so I can drive there."

The Genie thought very long and hard, and finally said that building a bridge like that would use up tons and tons of resources, require travel plazas, hotels, and restaurants.  He wondered if the man could perhaps come up with a different wish.

So, the man sat down and once again thought very long and hard, and finally came up with a new wish.

"I would like you to make me able to understand women."

The Genie immediately responded:  "Would you like two or four lanes?"

4.  Grouchy Lady Version #1

Roy Chiavacci, Executive Vice President of the place I live, Carroll Lutheran Village, is a masterful joke teller.  I've stolen some of his jokes before to be put into this blog.  This is how he kind of told this joke recently at the Village.
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A lady had been very grouchy and grumpy lately.  Her husband talked her into having a medical checkup to find out what was wrong. 

At the end of the session, the Doctor and the man's wife came out of the examination room, and the Doctor suddenly grabbed the lady in his arms and gave her a big voluptuous kiss.  He then said: "This is what your wife needs.  And she needs it three times a week."

The husband then said: "Well, I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I'll have to get somebody else to bring her in on Friday."

5.  Grouchy Lady Version #2

My friend, Alan Kaufman, Distinguished Toastmaster and celebrated story-teller throughout the East Coast, tells this version.. which I will try to not screw up too much.
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Mr. Jones brought his wife in to see the Doctor.  He told the doc that his wife has been very irritable and grouchy lately.. in fact, she has been kvetchy.. 

The Doctor took a look at Mrs. Jones and gave his diagnosis.  He said:  "This case is easy.  Your wife is starved for affection.  She needs some loving.. at least three times a week."

Mr. Jones said: "Well, okay, put me down for Mondays."

6. Who's on?

Someone send me the beginning of an upgraded Abbott and Costello routine:

Abbott:  Computer Store, can I help you?

Costello: I want to buy a computer.

Abbott:  Mac?

Costello:  No, this is Lou.

Abbott:  Do you want Windows?

Costello:  Why, is it stuffy in here?

and more of the same... you can write it yourself.

7.  Picking on Women Drivers?

Wife on phone to husband:  "I've got good news and bad news."

Husband: "Tell me the good news first."

Wife:  "The airbag works."

8.  Marriage?

A couple is lying in bed one night when the woman turns to the man and says: "I'm going to make you the happiest man in the world."

The man responded: "I'm going to miss you."

9.  The Draft

A young man was not happy when he received his draft notice, and decided to give answers to the doctors' questions that would help him fail the physical.

Doctor: "What can you see on that wall over there?"

Young Man:  "What wall?"

Doctor:  "Congratulations!  You just passed the Hearing Test."

10.  The Hand Appears

This comes from a 2006 issue of Weekly World News.
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A man was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a storm.

Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop.  Without thinking, the man got into the back seat, closed the door, and then realized there was no one behind the  wheel!

The car started slowly and the man panicked as he looked out at the road and saw a curve coming up.,  Scared, he started to pray for his life.

Suddenly, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.  Frozen with fear, the man watched how the hand appeared every time, right before a curve.

Gathering his strength, the passenger finally jumped from the car and ran to the nearest town.  He went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the terrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the man was serious.

About half an hour later, two men walked into the same restaurant.  They looked around for a table when one said to the other, "Hey, look! That's the guy who got in the car when we were pushing it."

11.  Driving

A State policeman saw an older lady drive by.. she was knitting while she drove.

He pulled his vehicle next to her and yelled: "Pull over!"

She yelled back at him with a smile, "No, cardigan."

12. Logic

Little Johnny's Kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station where they saw pictures tacked  to a bulletin board of the ten most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman.  "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked: "Then why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
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In Honor of Roy Chiavacci, Exec VP of CLV

Roy is a master joke teller and always has a story to tell at our monthly meetings here in Carroll Lutheran Village. Usually, I write down these gems and tell them wherever and whenever anyone will listen to me. Our local AARP Chapter members are usually a captive audience. Some of these may be ones I've stolen from Roy.

01. Secret Agent.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter the circumstances. Inside of the room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said: "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said: "Then you are not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a while. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I couldn't kill my wife."

The agent said: "You don't have what it takes for the job. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She indicated that she had a mild case of PMS, needed to take an aspirin, and wanted to know how long this testing phase was going to last. "Just a few minutes," said the CIA agent, so she took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the wall. After a few minutes all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. Wiping the sweat from her brow, she said: "This damn gun is loaded with blanks, so I had to beat him to death with the chair."

02. Marriage.

A lonely woman inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband wanted." The next day, she received over one hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

03. Marriage.. from Henny Youngman .. probably.

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week we go out to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food, and companionship. She goes Tuesday; I go Fridays.

04. Chaste?

In a tiny Irish village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin, and very proud of it.

When she knew her last days were approaching, she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone.

LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN

Not long after that the old lady died peacefully. When the undertaker went to carve the inscription, he found that the tombstone was too small for her request to fit.

He thought long and hard as to how he could fulfill the old maid's request with such limited space available to him.

After agonizing over this dilemma for days, the answer finally came to him, and the following inscription was carved into her tombstone:

RETURNED UNOPENED

05. Driving. (Henny?)

My wife is such a bad driver, a policeman gave her a season ticket.

06. Marriage.

Traffic Cop: (stopping motorist) "Mister, your wife fell out of the car three blocks back."

Motorist: "Thank goodness. I thought I'd gone deaf."

07. Marriage.

Wife: "You never notice what I wear."

Husband: "That's not true. Try me."

The next night, the wife asked: "What am I wearing that's different?"

Husband: "New stockings?" (no) "New hat?" (no) "I give up, what is it?"

Wife: "I'm wearing a gas mask."

08. Marriage.

Wife: "Honey, I can't get the car started. I think it's flooded."

Husband: "Where is it?"

Wife: "In the swimming pool."

09. Last writes?

Old John's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly he motions to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and John uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, and then dies.

The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket.

At John's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when John died.

"John handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing John, I'm sure there is a word of inspiration in it for us all."

Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

10. Marriage.

Husband: "While I was just out mowing the lawn, a lady came by, rolled down her window, and asked me: 'Hey.. how much do you get for mowing a lawn?'"

Wife: "What did you tell her?"

Husband: "I said.. well, the lady of the house lets me sleep with her."

11. At the Bistro? (I don't think so.)

There is a sign at the cashier's station that reads: "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

A wiseguy in line pointed at the sign and said: "Believe me, if I had a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating in a joint like this."

12. Grammar.

These are the famous Brandreth's Grammatical Rules for Secretaries:

1. Don't use no double negatives.
2. Make each pronoun agree with their antecedent.
3. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
4. About them sentence fragments.
5. When dangling, watch your particles.
6. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
7. Just between you and I, case is important too.
8. Don't write run-on sentences they are hard to read.
9. Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
10. Try not to oversplit infinitives.
11. It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
12. Proofread your writing to if any words out.
13. Correct spelling is esential.

How about a little less negativity?

Most of you, like me, are probably completely fed up with the excessively negative political ads this year. Why don't you take a few minutes to read some jokes and perhaps have a laugh to counter those depressing ads, at least for a while.

01. Finances. A lady went to a bank drive-through teller and asked to have a check cashed. The teller asked her if she had an account there. She said "No", so the teller asked to see her license. So she put the car in gear andd drove forwards and backwards.

02. Military. General Von Steuben addressed his soldiers at Valley Forge. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are all going to have a change of underwear. The bad news is that Bill will change with Joe, Joe with Jim, and, etc."

03. Landscaping. The only time my lawn looks as good as my neighbor's is when there is a snow storm. (from the BBC's My Word.)

04. Driving: A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove over the curb, and stopped inches away from a plate glass window.

Finally, the shaking cab driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylight out of me." The passenger apologized but said that he wouldn't have thought that a mere tap on the shoulder would scare him so much.

The driver replied, "Oh, no, its all my fault. Today is my first day driving a taxi. I've been driving a hearse for the past 20 years."

(stolen from the Westminster Senior Center Chatterbox)

05. Debt. The President of a South American country died and had a very large funeral, at which a letter from the Presiden't was read. In it, he accused his three Vice Presidents of cheating him out of some of the government's funds that were to be used for his personal use.

The first VP got up and said he was sorry for what he had done and said that he would put 50% of the ill-gotten money into the coffin, to be buried with the President, and he placed the cash in the coffin. The second VP felt even worse and put 2/3rds of the cash he had pilfered into the coffin. The third VP said that he felt even more sorry than the others and would put 100% of his debt into the coffin. So, the third VP wrote a check for the full amount and put it into the coffin.

06. Aging: Bonnie Ciborowski sent this to me some time ago.

"Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you are barefoot.

"Old" is when going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"Old" is when you get cautioned to slow down by the doctor, instead of by the policeman.

"Old" is when "Getty Lucky" means you are able to find your car in the parking lot.

07. Bible. More bible quotes from children:

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was, by profession a taxi driver.

08. Life. Poem:

I get up in the morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead,
So, I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

09. Letha's jokes.

My wonderful secretary, Letha Alston, passed away in 2006. I noted a memorial about her in the Baltimore Sun the other day, and it reminded me of some truisms that she told me.

"The easiest way to stay awake during an afternoon dinner speech, is to deliver it."

"Middle age is when your narrow waist and broad mind begin to change places."

"You know you've reached middle age when weight lifting consists of just standing up."

How true!

As I've said elsewhere, Letha sent me a birthday card one day that read: "You remind me of Chinese food... Egg Foo Old!"

10. Marriage.

There are three rings that are important in a husband's life:

1. Engagement ring.
2. Wedding ring.
3. Suffering.

11. Truisms. Thoughts for delivery at an AARP meeting:

Good friends are hard to come by. When you need them, they hardly come by.

Happy wife, happy life.

Just think, if you're having a senior moment.. you are still alive!

As Liz Taylor said to her 8th husband: "I won't keep you long."

She went to Penn State, and her husband went to the State Pen.

What is so significant about your "other?"

12. Kids.

A woman was trying hard to get ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang and her four year old daughter answered it. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother and then said to the minister: "Mommy can't come to the phone right now, she's hitting the bottle."


Bye for now and have a funny day!
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