That's funny! (I hope)

Happy Birthday, Ivan Gibbs!

I have been quite busy lately, and haven't had time to post my usual "monthly dozen" of jokes.. so I'll try to catch up.  Here are two dozen.. and, as usual, you will have to take the good with the bad. 

01.  Miss Kitty said?

Guy 1:  "Hey.. do you think they have cats in heaven?"

Guy 2:  "Of course.  Where do you think they get strings for their harps?"

02.  Dog lover said?

Guy 1:  "My dog is wonderful.  He cost me $500.  He's part Terrier and part Bull."

Guy 2:  "Which part is Bull?"

Guy 1:  "The part about it costing me $500."

03.  Groucho said?

"I once worked a really cheap theater in the round.  The stage didn't rotate.. every few minutes the audience had to get up and change seats."

04. O. Henry said:

"A story with a moral appended is like the bill of the mosquito.  It bores you and then injects a stinging drop to irritate your conscience."

05.  Phyllis Diller said?

"I once went braless and wore a peek-a-boo blouse.  It was embarrassing.  First they'd peek, then they'd boo."

06.  What if budget cuts affected 911 operators?

"Thank you for calling 911, your emergency number.  Normally, we would ask if you wanted police, fire, or ambulance, but all of our operators are busy helping other callers at the moment.  If you will stay on the line, your call will be answered in turn."

07.  Old Couple.

Did you hear about the couple who got married so late in life that Medicare paid for the honeymoon?

08.  Old Maid.

Did you hear about the old maid who  sent her picture to a "Lonely Hearts Club?"  They returned it with a note saying: "Sorry.. but we're not that lonely!"

09.  The wisdom of age.

The old man's expectant relatives were gathered for the reading of the will after his death.

The lawyer read from the will as follows:

"Being of sound mind.  I spent every last cent before I died."

10.  Religious truisms? (wait for complaints.)

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Catholics do not recognize Luther as the head of their church.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

11.  Classic naughtiness from BBC's Captain Peacock:

On the breast of a barmaid from Vale
Was tatooed all the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was recorded the same thing in Braille.

12.  Hunger.

The newlywed husband came home from work to find his wife in tears.

"Supper is scorched!" she sobbed.

"What happened?"  he asked.  "Did the Burger King burn down?"

13.  Money.

A counterfeiter, new to the business, gave the bartender a nine dollar bill to pay for his two dollar beer.

The bartender glanced at it, tossed it in his cash register. and gave the customer a four dollar bill and a three dollar bill in change.  The counterfeiter smiled, realizing the bartender was on to him.

"At least I beat you out of a beer!" he said as he was about to head for the door.

"What makes you think that was beer?" the bartender asked.

14.  Bible study.

One Sunday, a preacher announced that his next sermon would be on the topic of lying.

"To prepare, I'd like you all to read the 30th chapter of the Book of Matthew," he said.

The next Sunday, he asked those who had done the recommended reading to raise their hands.  All hands went up.

"That's a good introduction to my topic," said the preacher.

"You're all liars.  There is no 30th chapter in the Book of Matthew!"

15.  Cheap guy.

"My father invented the limbo dance.  He was trying to sneak into a pay toilet."

16.  Norm Crosby said:

"Two antennas got married.  The wedding wasn't too spectacular.. but the reception was excellent."

17.  Old Couple.

My wife and I are growing old.  Last week she asked me to make her a banana split.  A half hour later, I brought her bacon and eggs.  She said: "I knew you'd forget the toast."

18.  Old Rocker.

At a senior community, I encountered an elderly lady rocking back and forth like a metronome.  I asked her why.

She said: "So I can tell time."

So I asked her: "What time is it?"

She replied: "6:30."

I said: "But you're wrong, it's 6:45."

She said: "It is?" 

Now rocking faster, she said: "I must be slow."

19. Illness.

Guy 1: "How was your trip?"

Guy 2: "I was sick the whole time because I can't ride backwards on a train."

Guy 1: "Why didn't you switch with the person sitting across from you?"

Guy 2.  "That's a good idea, but nobody was there."

20.  Marriage.

Guy 1: "For 20 years my wife and I were ecstatically happy!"

Guy 2:  "What happened then?"

Guy 1:  "We met.

21.  Marriage.

Guy 1:  "They say your wife is outspoken."

Guy 2:  "By whom?"

22.  Marriage in Minnesota:

I bought my wife a refrigerator during the Winter.  She had a great job breaking ice up into small pieces to put in those little trays.

23.  Holiday wish.

As the Fourth of July holiday approached, I noticed a sad looking young lady pushing a stroller holding two toddlers, while she carried an infant in her arms.  To try to cheer her up, I said: "Happy Fourth!"

She slapped my face.

24.  Marriage.

Young lady:  "Can I marry an octopus?"

Lawyer:  "No, of course not!"

Young lady:  "Then how do I get rid of 8 engagement rings?"

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Some Jokes for the Beginning of 2011

01. Dieting:

Poem:

My soul is dark with raging riot,

Directly traceable to diet.

(anon)

Thoughts:

0-- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

0-- If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

0-- Help keep your kitchen clean. Eat out.

0-- My next house will have no kitchen.. just vending machines.

0-- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

02. Religion and kids: An AARP friend of mine named Clyde Kreitser used to like to tell this story.

A 5 year-old boy went with his parents to church. The preacher's sermon was on SIN and he made sure that everybody knew that if they sinned, they would roast in Hell fire until they were ashes.

The little boy listened intently and then raised his hand and asked the preacher: "I'm in Kindergarten, so, if I am bad and die, will I just become a cinder?"

03. Politics and kids: Clare Mezzanotte told us about this exchange:

Grandma Clare just came back from voting in a Presidential election.

Her 4 year-old grandson asked her: "Did you vote for Bushington?"

04. Mind games:

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First, I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies: "That is very simple. You are just too tents."

05. DIY:

Question: How many men does it take to wallpaper a bedroom?

Answer: Two, if you slice them thin enough.

06. Marriage:

"What's your husband getting for his 50th birthday?" the woman asked her friend.

"Fat and bald, " she replied.

07. Death:

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you are in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Friend 1 said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Friend 2 said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God, who made a big difference in people's lives."

Friend 3 said: "I'd like them to say, 'Hey, look! He's moving!'"

08. Genie:

A guy rubbed a lamp and the emerging genie gave him one wish. So, he thought long and hard, and then said: "I would like to have a chick with long legs!" So the genie gave him an ostrich.

09. Animals:

Judge, my wife keeps a goat in the bedroom and I can't stand the smell any longer.

Why don't you open the window?

What.. and let my chickens out?

10. Religion:

The preacher was greeting his flock after the Sunday service when a young boy stopped and told him: "I want to grow up and get a good job so I can give you and your church lots of money."

"That's very nice," the pastor said. "And what made you decide to be so generous?"

"Today's sermon," replied the boy.

"Oh," the pastor beamed; "What was it about the sermon?"

"Well, when you finished, my dad said you were about the poorest preacher he's ever heard."

11. Money:

The snooty heir told a friend, "I'm going to inherit a newspaper from my rich dad."

"So what?" said the friend. "I buy a new one every day."

12. Feghoot:

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and they were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved away.

"Because," he said: "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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Post-Election Jokes

Now that the elections are over, comedians across the U.S. will be having fun picking on the newly elected as well as the out-going folks. I won't do that, I will just tell a few old jokes that you probably have heard many times before, and maybe a couple that you haven't heard before.

01. YMCA. A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst out into shrieks, with the ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked: "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

02. Vital question. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

03. Religion. Joke from Bill Engelhardt: A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since leavened bread is forbidden during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzo, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.

A little later, a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"

04. Religion. An Irish priest was driving down to New York and got stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He said: "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," said the priest.
The trooper said, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

05. Computer poem. (attributed to Bill Gates, but I doubt it.)

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online'.

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy', 'Scan', and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!

06. Truisms.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

Dijon vu ... the same mustard as before.

That name Pavlov rings a bell.

When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

07. Religion.

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked: "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 40 years to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. She even changed her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on the way home, she was hit and killed by a truck.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the truck?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

08. Women. Middle age is when you go prematurely blond.

09. Marriage. A woman finally got married at the age of 89. Her friend asked her:
"Is he handsome?" ... "No."
"Is he rich?" ... "No."
"Is he fun?"... "No."
"Then why did you marry him?"... "Because he can drive at night."

10. Money. The owner of a small business was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Maryland, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 15%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

11. Mothers. (Perhaps from Henny Youngman.)

A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son asked: "Why are you so weak?"
She said: "Because I haven't eaten in 40 days."
The son asked: "Why haven't you eaten in 40 days?"
The mother answered: "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

12. More questions.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a man who invests all your money called a broker?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it: FED UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

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How about a little less negativity?

Most of you, like me, are probably completely fed up with the excessively negative political ads this year. Why don't you take a few minutes to read some jokes and perhaps have a laugh to counter those depressing ads, at least for a while.

01. Finances. A lady went to a bank drive-through teller and asked to have a check cashed. The teller asked her if she had an account there. She said "No", so the teller asked to see her license. So she put the car in gear andd drove forwards and backwards.

02. Military. General Von Steuben addressed his soldiers at Valley Forge. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are all going to have a change of underwear. The bad news is that Bill will change with Joe, Joe with Jim, and, etc."

03. Landscaping. The only time my lawn looks as good as my neighbor's is when there is a snow storm. (from the BBC's My Word.)

04. Driving: A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove over the curb, and stopped inches away from a plate glass window.

Finally, the shaking cab driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylight out of me." The passenger apologized but said that he wouldn't have thought that a mere tap on the shoulder would scare him so much.

The driver replied, "Oh, no, its all my fault. Today is my first day driving a taxi. I've been driving a hearse for the past 20 years."

(stolen from the Westminster Senior Center Chatterbox)

05. Debt. The President of a South American country died and had a very large funeral, at which a letter from the Presiden't was read. In it, he accused his three Vice Presidents of cheating him out of some of the government's funds that were to be used for his personal use.

The first VP got up and said he was sorry for what he had done and said that he would put 50% of the ill-gotten money into the coffin, to be buried with the President, and he placed the cash in the coffin. The second VP felt even worse and put 2/3rds of the cash he had pilfered into the coffin. The third VP said that he felt even more sorry than the others and would put 100% of his debt into the coffin. So, the third VP wrote a check for the full amount and put it into the coffin.

06. Aging: Bonnie Ciborowski sent this to me some time ago.

"Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you are barefoot.

"Old" is when going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"Old" is when you get cautioned to slow down by the doctor, instead of by the policeman.

"Old" is when "Getty Lucky" means you are able to find your car in the parking lot.

07. Bible. More bible quotes from children:

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was, by profession a taxi driver.

08. Life. Poem:

I get up in the morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead,
So, I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

09. Letha's jokes.

My wonderful secretary, Letha Alston, passed away in 2006. I noted a memorial about her in the Baltimore Sun the other day, and it reminded me of some truisms that she told me.

"The easiest way to stay awake during an afternoon dinner speech, is to deliver it."

"Middle age is when your narrow waist and broad mind begin to change places."

"You know you've reached middle age when weight lifting consists of just standing up."

How true!

As I've said elsewhere, Letha sent me a birthday card one day that read: "You remind me of Chinese food... Egg Foo Old!"

10. Marriage.

There are three rings that are important in a husband's life:

1. Engagement ring.
2. Wedding ring.
3. Suffering.

11. Truisms. Thoughts for delivery at an AARP meeting:

Good friends are hard to come by. When you need them, they hardly come by.

Happy wife, happy life.

Just think, if you're having a senior moment.. you are still alive!

As Liz Taylor said to her 8th husband: "I won't keep you long."

She went to Penn State, and her husband went to the State Pen.

What is so significant about your "other?"

12. Kids.

A woman was trying hard to get ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang and her four year old daughter answered it. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother and then said to the minister: "Mommy can't come to the phone right now, she's hitting the bottle."


Bye for now and have a funny day!
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Some Jokes to Start

The world needs more laughter, so I am setting up a new blog as a vehicle for passing on jokes, puns and other humorous stuff. I believe that all of material I plan to post is in the public domain; at least, I don't have the faintest idea where most of it came from.. and if I ever find out, I will share that information with you. I've been collecting what I think is humorous material for fifty years and now it is time to share it with y'all, whether you want me to, or not.



01. Christmas:


There will no longer be nativity scenes in Washington, D.C. Nobody is complaining about that because everyone knows that it has now become impossible to find three wise men and a virgin in our nation's capitol. However, there are still plenty of asses available for the stable.


02. Marriage:


Husband: "My wife handles all the smaill decisions and I handle all the big ones."
Friend: "Give me an example."
Husband: "Well, we haven't had any big ones yet."


03. Marriage:


They had a very short marriage, they fought over custody of the wedding cake.


04. Homework:


Teacher: "Wieso kommst du denn schon wieder zu spaet, Jens?"
Jens:: "Ich bin auf dem Schulweg ueberfallen worden!"
Teacher: "Was? Wurde dir etwas geraubt?"
Jens: "Ja, zum Glueck aber nur die Hausaufgaben!"

05. Introductions:

Speaker Joe Vaughan: "You don't need to give me a long introduction."

Toastmaster: "O.K."

Toastmaster: "Our speaker today is Joe Vaughan, and the less said about him the better."

06. Cross:

Q. What do you get if you cross an apeman with a zebra?

A. Tarzan stripes forever.

07. Trickery:

Q. How do you keep a turkey in suspence?

A. I'll tell you tomorrow.

08. Marriage:

A 96 year old man and a 93 year old woman are about to get married. The groom goes into a drug store and tells the manager that because he is getting married, he needs Viagra, heart medicine, vitamin pills, hernia aids, etc, etc.

The drug store manager says: "Well then, can we set up a registry for you?"

09. Aging:

Because the population is aging, the Gallop Poll will now be called the Walker Poll.

10. Aging:

There are certain signs that you are getting old. The other day I walked past a cemetery and two guys ran after me with shovels.

11. Aging:

The best part of living to 103.. there is no peer pressure.

12. Aging:

Customer: "What do you have for gray hair?"

Barber: "A lot of respect."

13. History:

Jim: "What do you think of a man who goes horseback riding at 3 o'clock in the morning?"

Bill: "I would say that he is very eccentric."

Jim: "So.. poking fun at Paul Revere, are you?"

14. Fish:

A baby sardine sees a submarine and races to his mama sardine.

Mama sardine says: "Don't be scared.. it's just a can of people."

15. Money:

I lent my friend $100 for plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like.

16. Animals:

Man1: "Help! An alligator just bit off my leg!"

Man2: "Which one?"

Man1: "I don't know, alligators all look alike to me."

17. Naughty:

Woman1: "So, how's your sex life?"

Woman2: "Nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

Woman1: "Social Security sex?"

Woman2: "Yeah.. I get a little each month, but not enough to live on."

18. Cheapness:

He's so cheap that when he eats asparagus at a restaurant, he leaves the tip.

19. Office:

I swallowed a rubber band and have been making snap decisions all day.

20. Animals:

An angry dog walks into a bar and says: "I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw!"

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