It doesn't seem like it, here in Maryland in 2011, but the calendar says it's Spring. Our daffodils are up above the ground and we are waiting to see if their blossoms are pink, as we were told they would be.
Today, I give a talk on humor at the first Carroll County Chapter Meeting for the Maryland Senior Citizens Hall of Fame. I think it might be fun. Meanwhile, a month has passed since I posted jokes to this blog, so here goes:
01. Signs of Old Age from Jacqui Wilson in the HCFA/CSM Journal:
You forget names, but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.
You've never heard of most of the persons in People Magazine.
When people say you look "Great," they add: "for your age."
The five pounds you wanted to lose is now fifteen, and you have a better chance of losing your keys than losing those fifteen pounds.
Everybody whispers.
02. In-laws.
Q: What is the fifference between outlaws and in-laws?
A: Outlaws are wanted.
03. Middle-age.
Molly McGee (Fibber's wife) said that the "dangerous age" for men is when their pants get long, and their breath gets short.
04. Effects of Surgery. (From Alan Kaufman)
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."
She said, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
05. Ballet.
Archie Bunker: "I wonder about all those sissified ballet dancers, dancing on their toes. Why don't they just get taller dancers?"
06. Disease:
Henny Youngman: "My doctor told me I had shingles, and he threw me off the roof."
07. Bumper Sticker:
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer!
08. Puzzled grave seeker.
Man in Graveyard: "I'm looking for the grave of the man who invented the crossword puzzle. You know, people visit it all the time and leave little gifts. Can you tell me where it is?
Graveyard Attendant: "Yes, it's easy to find. Go 2 down and 3 across.
09. Marriage.
Little Boy: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father: "I don't know, son. I'm still paying."
10. Men and Women.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.
11. Gravestone.
A nagging wife had this gravestone placed over her deceased husband's grave:
RIP -- Until We Meet Again
12. The New CEO
(This classic showed up in my email.. maybe from Bonnie Ciborowski.)
A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked: "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Delivery guy from Pizza Hut."
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Showing posts with label getting older. Show all posts
Showing posts with label getting older. Show all posts
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Jokes for October 8, 2010
Let's try some more items that I think are humorous. I hope you do too.
01. The Bible. Remarks by some Sunday School kids.. I don't know the source.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
The people who followed the Lord were called the twelve decibels.
Joshua fit the battle of Geritol.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, and a ball of fire at night.
The wives of the apostles are called epistles.
Moses died before he came to Canada.
David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Bible times.
The three wise guys came from the east side.
The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam: Eat this apple!
02. Getting Older: From My Aunt Mary:
An 80 year old woman has 4 boy friends. She rises with Big Ben, takes a walk with Paul Bunyan, comes home with Charlie Hoss, and goes to bed with Ben Gay.
03. Getting Older: My Aunt Mary could have added a couple of other boy friends:
Will Power helps the lady get out of bed and Arthur Ritis visits during the day. And, of course, she gets to visit John quite often.
04. Getting Older:
My preacher says that at my age, I should be thinking about the here-after. I told him I do think about it all the time. No matter where I am, I ask myself: "Now, what am I here after?"
05. Getting Older:
Old folks are rich in precious resources. They have silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their stomach.
06. Religion:
After a very long-winded Sunday church service, the minister approached a parishioner who had left during the sermon and returned later.
"Where did you go?" asked the minister.
"I went to the barber for a haircut," said the man.
"Why didn't you do that before you came to church? asked the minister.
"Well, I didn't need one then," said the man.
07. Religion:
A gentleman that I came to know in the Air Force told this at a bon-fire gathering one night in Germany. It is best told in African-American dialect.
At an outdoor camp meeting the crowd was getting quite excited because of the preacher's oratory. Some of the ladies were even dancing around quite actively. One of the lady, who was rather heavy-set was bouncing up and down. Suddenly, a twenty dollar bill flew out of her bosom and landed on the floor. The preacher took notice of this, but there may have been another brother who may have seen the occurence, so the preacher carried on:
"You have read in the Bible that if you have not seen, but still believe, I will abide with you later; but I also say unto you, if you who have seen, and believe that you have seen, and keep your big mouth shut.. I will divide with you later."
08. Getting Older:
Three old guys went to a doctor's office for a memory test.
Doctor: "What is 2 x 2?
First guy: "198"
Doctor: "What is 2 x 2?"
Second guy: "Thursday."
Doctor: "What is 2 x 2?"
Third guy: "4"
Doctor: "Good! How did you get that answer?"
Third guy: "I subtracted Thursday from 198."
09. Marriage:
A woman calls her husband at work:
Wife: "I've got good news and bad news."
Husband: "Give me the good news first."
Wife: "The airbag works."
10. Kids:
Bernie Handley, a good friend from the Social Security Administration told me this:
Bernie's 4 year old granddaughter likes to play "wedding".
One day, she was playing it with Bernie and she told Bernie:
"Don't peek, I'm going to put on my wedding dress and you be the groom and put on your torpedo!"
..................................................................................................................................
01. The Bible. Remarks by some Sunday School kids.. I don't know the source.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
The people who followed the Lord were called the twelve decibels.
Joshua fit the battle of Geritol.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, and a ball of fire at night.
The wives of the apostles are called epistles.
Moses died before he came to Canada.
David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Bible times.
The three wise guys came from the east side.
The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam: Eat this apple!
02. Getting Older: From My Aunt Mary:
An 80 year old woman has 4 boy friends. She rises with Big Ben, takes a walk with Paul Bunyan, comes home with Charlie Hoss, and goes to bed with Ben Gay.
03. Getting Older: My Aunt Mary could have added a couple of other boy friends:
Will Power helps the lady get out of bed and Arthur Ritis visits during the day. And, of course, she gets to visit John quite often.
04. Getting Older:
My preacher says that at my age, I should be thinking about the here-after. I told him I do think about it all the time. No matter where I am, I ask myself: "Now, what am I here after?"
05. Getting Older:
Old folks are rich in precious resources. They have silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their stomach.
06. Religion:
After a very long-winded Sunday church service, the minister approached a parishioner who had left during the sermon and returned later.
"Where did you go?" asked the minister.
"I went to the barber for a haircut," said the man.
"Why didn't you do that before you came to church? asked the minister.
"Well, I didn't need one then," said the man.
07. Religion:
A gentleman that I came to know in the Air Force told this at a bon-fire gathering one night in Germany. It is best told in African-American dialect.
At an outdoor camp meeting the crowd was getting quite excited because of the preacher's oratory. Some of the ladies were even dancing around quite actively. One of the lady, who was rather heavy-set was bouncing up and down. Suddenly, a twenty dollar bill flew out of her bosom and landed on the floor. The preacher took notice of this, but there may have been another brother who may have seen the occurence, so the preacher carried on:
"You have read in the Bible that if you have not seen, but still believe, I will abide with you later; but I also say unto you, if you who have seen, and believe that you have seen, and keep your big mouth shut.. I will divide with you later."
08. Getting Older:
Three old guys went to a doctor's office for a memory test.
Doctor: "What is 2 x 2?
First guy: "198"
Doctor: "What is 2 x 2?"
Second guy: "Thursday."
Doctor: "What is 2 x 2?"
Third guy: "4"
Doctor: "Good! How did you get that answer?"
Third guy: "I subtracted Thursday from 198."
09. Marriage:
A woman calls her husband at work:
Wife: "I've got good news and bad news."
Husband: "Give me the good news first."
Wife: "The airbag works."
10. Kids:
Bernie Handley, a good friend from the Social Security Administration told me this:
Bernie's 4 year old granddaughter likes to play "wedding".
One day, she was playing it with Bernie and she told Bernie:
"Don't peek, I'm going to put on my wedding dress and you be the groom and put on your torpedo!"
..................................................................................................................................
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