Unbelievably Hilarious Jokes for February 2011

Here are some more jokes I have accumulated over the years.

01. Geezer and wife.

Elaine and I went to the movies the other night and half-way through I had to get down on the floor. Elaine asked: "What are you doing down there?"

---I replied: "I'm looking for my caramel candy." Elaine said: "Yuk! Why do you want that dirty candy?" To which I responded: "My teeth are in it!"

02. Astrology.

"What sign were you born under?"

"No trespassing!"

03. Diet.

When I eat sugar, I break out in fat all over my body.

......

(The next item is attributed to Charles Lubetkin in some magazine.. it was probably an old Readers Digest.)

04. Kansas?

"We had taken our daughter to see The Wizard of Oz. During the movie, we heard people whispering that a heavy snowfall had started, and we decided to leave before driving became hazardous. As we dashed out of the theater, the manager looked at us quizzically.

'We're off to flee the blizzard!' my wife called out to him."

05. Husbands.

A husband was sent by his wife to buy her a bra, but he lost the note with the size written on it. The clerk asked: "What size?"

He said: "I don't know."

Clerk: "Grapefruit?"

Husband: "No."

Clerk: "Oranges?"

Husband: "No."

Clerk: "Eggs?"

Husband: "Yes, fried."

.......

(The next five were given to me by our good AARP friend, Louise Miller.)

06. Kids.

While on vacation with my son and his family, I shared a room with my 4 year old granddaughter. In the morning, when she awoke, she told me that she had had some nice dreams. I told her that I wished that I was able to dream like she does. She said: "But you can't, Grandma, because you snore too much."

07. Geezer response.

A man who volunteers to entertain patients in a local hospital told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides. When he finished, he said, "I hope you get better." One of the elderly male patients replied: "I hope you get better too."

08. Husbands and wives.

The owner of a new car was reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession, even a few short blocks. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed: "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."

09. Husbands and wives.

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both unwilling to admit that they might be in error.

"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband, "if you'll admit I'm right."

He agreed, and like a gentleman, insisted that she go first.

"I'm wrong," she said.

Without pausing, he responded, "You're right!"

10. Geezer response.

An elderly patient in a nursing home asked every nurse the same question: "Where am I?"

The answer was always, "You're at Chesnut Hill."

One day, a particularly harried nurse was stopped. "Where am I?" asked the old man.

Exasperated, the nurse answered: "In Heaven!" Without blinking an eye, the elderly patient replied: "Oh, thank God! I thought I was still at Chestnut Hill!"

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(The next two jokes were sent to me via EMAIL. I have no idea who originated them, but I thank whoever thought them up because I think they are wonderfully funny.)

11. Funeral for a farm wife.

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later) she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.

---Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and one. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head and killed her dead on the spot.

---At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consisten, the minister wanted to ask the old man about it.

---After the funeral, the minister asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd not my head in agreement."

---"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

---"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

12. The nun.

A nun was sitting in the airport, waiting for her flight to Baltimore. She looked over in a corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. She thought: "I'll give it a try and see what it tells me."

---She went over to the machine, stepped on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You are a nun, you weigh 140 pounds, and you are going to Baltimore."

The nun sat back down and thought: "That machine probably gives the same card to everyone." Curious, she decided to try it again.

---She went back to the machine, again put in a nickel, and out came another card. "You are a nun, you weigh 140 pounds, you are going to Baltimore, and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life."

---She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a grizzled cowboy came over and sat down, putting a fiddle case in the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out his fiddle, and started playing beautiful music. Surprized at what she had done, she looked over at the machine thinking: "This is incredible! I've got to try this again."

---She went back to the machine, put her nickel in, and another card came out.

"You are a nun, you weigh 140 pounds, you are going to Baltimore, and you are going to break wind."

---Now she knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life." But as she stepped off the machine, she slipped, and as she was straining to keep from falling on the floor, she broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine and said to herself: "This is truly remarkable. I'll have to try it again."

---She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read: "You are a nun, you weigh 140 pounds, you have fiddled and farted around and now you have missed your flight to Baltimore."

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Some Jokes for the Beginning of 2011

01. Dieting:

Poem:

My soul is dark with raging riot,

Directly traceable to diet.

(anon)

Thoughts:

0-- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

0-- If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

0-- Help keep your kitchen clean. Eat out.

0-- My next house will have no kitchen.. just vending machines.

0-- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

02. Religion and kids: An AARP friend of mine named Clyde Kreitser used to like to tell this story.

A 5 year-old boy went with his parents to church. The preacher's sermon was on SIN and he made sure that everybody knew that if they sinned, they would roast in Hell fire until they were ashes.

The little boy listened intently and then raised his hand and asked the preacher: "I'm in Kindergarten, so, if I am bad and die, will I just become a cinder?"

03. Politics and kids: Clare Mezzanotte told us about this exchange:

Grandma Clare just came back from voting in a Presidential election.

Her 4 year-old grandson asked her: "Did you vote for Bushington?"

04. Mind games:

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First, I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies: "That is very simple. You are just too tents."

05. DIY:

Question: How many men does it take to wallpaper a bedroom?

Answer: Two, if you slice them thin enough.

06. Marriage:

"What's your husband getting for his 50th birthday?" the woman asked her friend.

"Fat and bald, " she replied.

07. Death:

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you are in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Friend 1 said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Friend 2 said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God, who made a big difference in people's lives."

Friend 3 said: "I'd like them to say, 'Hey, look! He's moving!'"

08. Genie:

A guy rubbed a lamp and the emerging genie gave him one wish. So, he thought long and hard, and then said: "I would like to have a chick with long legs!" So the genie gave him an ostrich.

09. Animals:

Judge, my wife keeps a goat in the bedroom and I can't stand the smell any longer.

Why don't you open the window?

What.. and let my chickens out?

10. Religion:

The preacher was greeting his flock after the Sunday service when a young boy stopped and told him: "I want to grow up and get a good job so I can give you and your church lots of money."

"That's very nice," the pastor said. "And what made you decide to be so generous?"

"Today's sermon," replied the boy.

"Oh," the pastor beamed; "What was it about the sermon?"

"Well, when you finished, my dad said you were about the poorest preacher he's ever heard."

11. Money:

The snooty heir told a friend, "I'm going to inherit a newspaper from my rich dad."

"So what?" said the friend. "I buy a new one every day."

12. Feghoot:

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and they were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved away.

"Because," he said: "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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How about a little less negativity?

Most of you, like me, are probably completely fed up with the excessively negative political ads this year. Why don't you take a few minutes to read some jokes and perhaps have a laugh to counter those depressing ads, at least for a while.

01. Finances. A lady went to a bank drive-through teller and asked to have a check cashed. The teller asked her if she had an account there. She said "No", so the teller asked to see her license. So she put the car in gear andd drove forwards and backwards.

02. Military. General Von Steuben addressed his soldiers at Valley Forge. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are all going to have a change of underwear. The bad news is that Bill will change with Joe, Joe with Jim, and, etc."

03. Landscaping. The only time my lawn looks as good as my neighbor's is when there is a snow storm. (from the BBC's My Word.)

04. Driving: A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove over the curb, and stopped inches away from a plate glass window.

Finally, the shaking cab driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylight out of me." The passenger apologized but said that he wouldn't have thought that a mere tap on the shoulder would scare him so much.

The driver replied, "Oh, no, its all my fault. Today is my first day driving a taxi. I've been driving a hearse for the past 20 years."

(stolen from the Westminster Senior Center Chatterbox)

05. Debt. The President of a South American country died and had a very large funeral, at which a letter from the Presiden't was read. In it, he accused his three Vice Presidents of cheating him out of some of the government's funds that were to be used for his personal use.

The first VP got up and said he was sorry for what he had done and said that he would put 50% of the ill-gotten money into the coffin, to be buried with the President, and he placed the cash in the coffin. The second VP felt even worse and put 2/3rds of the cash he had pilfered into the coffin. The third VP said that he felt even more sorry than the others and would put 100% of his debt into the coffin. So, the third VP wrote a check for the full amount and put it into the coffin.

06. Aging: Bonnie Ciborowski sent this to me some time ago.

"Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you are barefoot.

"Old" is when going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"Old" is when you get cautioned to slow down by the doctor, instead of by the policeman.

"Old" is when "Getty Lucky" means you are able to find your car in the parking lot.

07. Bible. More bible quotes from children:

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was, by profession a taxi driver.

08. Life. Poem:

I get up in the morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead,
So, I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

09. Letha's jokes.

My wonderful secretary, Letha Alston, passed away in 2006. I noted a memorial about her in the Baltimore Sun the other day, and it reminded me of some truisms that she told me.

"The easiest way to stay awake during an afternoon dinner speech, is to deliver it."

"Middle age is when your narrow waist and broad mind begin to change places."

"You know you've reached middle age when weight lifting consists of just standing up."

How true!

As I've said elsewhere, Letha sent me a birthday card one day that read: "You remind me of Chinese food... Egg Foo Old!"

10. Marriage.

There are three rings that are important in a husband's life:

1. Engagement ring.
2. Wedding ring.
3. Suffering.

11. Truisms. Thoughts for delivery at an AARP meeting:

Good friends are hard to come by. When you need them, they hardly come by.

Happy wife, happy life.

Just think, if you're having a senior moment.. you are still alive!

As Liz Taylor said to her 8th husband: "I won't keep you long."

She went to Penn State, and her husband went to the State Pen.

What is so significant about your "other?"

12. Kids.

A woman was trying hard to get ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang and her four year old daughter answered it. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother and then said to the minister: "Mommy can't come to the phone right now, she's hitting the bottle."


Bye for now and have a funny day!
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