Some Jokes for a very windy and rainy day.

Our screens are blowing away and our trees are bending over in the wind.  Our outside grill just tipped completely over, and,  our cat SuZee is scared to death.. so now might be a good time to type a few jokes and try to cheer up.

01.  Easter riddle:

What do you call an anaesthetised rabbit?

An ether bunny.

02.  Polititical riddle:

What do you call an emotional Conservative?

An emoticon.

OK, I know.. this was a lousy way to start.  I'll try to do better.

03.  Survival.

Pat and Mike were camping in the woods and they saw a bear come into their camp.  Pat immediately started to put on his sneakers.   Mike asked him: "Why are you doing that?  Are you going to try to outrun the bear?"  Pat said: "No, I'm just going to outrun you."

04.  Health.

Pat: "Hey, Mike, I just bought a new hearing aid."
Mike:  "That's great.. what kind is it?"
Pat:  "Five O'clock."

05.  Sports.

The big animals were playing the liittle animals and at half-time, the elephant asked the centipede:
"Where were you the first half?"   The centipede replied: "Getting my ankles taped."

06.  Beer.

Four beer company executives were in a bar.

The Corona beer guy said:  "Senor, give me the crown of beer.. Corona!"

The Coors beer guy said:  "Give me a beer brewed by a mountain stream.. Coors!" 

The Budweiser guy said: "Give me a Bud!"

The Guiness guy said: "Give me a coke!"

The bartendar said: "A Coke? Why did you ask for that?"

The Guiness guy said: "Well, if the other guys aren't going to drink beer, I'm not going to either!"

07.  Old Age.

A 90 year old man was crying.  I asked him why.

He said: "I just married a 30 year old woman.  The sex is great and she washes my clothes and is an excellent cook."

"Then, why are you crying?"

"Because I can't remember where I live."

08.  Old Age.

Another 90 year old man observed a little boy sitting on the curb, crying.

Old man: "Son, why are you crying?"

Boy: "Because I can't do what the big boys do."

The old man sat down beside him and cried too.

09.  Medication.

My brother mixed up Ben Gay and Preparation H, and now his shoulder is shrinking.

10.  Doctor's advice.

Baltimore Man:  "Doctor, how can I improve my sex life?"

Hopkins Doctor:  "Jog everyday for three hours, and call me in ten days."

Call:  Doctor:  "Well, how is your sex life now?"

Call:  Man: "How can I tell.. I'm in Chicago."

11.  Bible study.

A long time ago, God was mopping His brow after finishing a difficult task.

"Whew!  I just made 24 hours of alternating light and dark!"

A nearby angel asked: "What are You going to do now?"

God replied, "I think I'll call it a day."

12.  Atheism.

An atheist was fishing in Loch Ness, Scotland.

All of a sudden, a monster raised up out of the lake and the atheist yelled:  "God, help me!"

God replied immediately: "Why call on me after all these years?  You said that you didn't believe in me."

The former atheist replied: "God, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!" 


....  I usually quit after a dozen jokes, but today, because of the mini hurricane outside,  I think a few more jokes would help to pass the time..

13.  Marriage.

A man bought his wife a new negligee.  The wife tried it on, but it was too small, so she got naked instead.  In bed, with the lights out, the husband says, "That negligee was very expensive.  They could have at least pressed it!"

14.  Ten Commandments:

(CJ.. Chaplain Jimmy.. the main preacher where I live in Maryland told a version of the following joke.. substituting a bicycle for the lost item.)

A man went to church on Sunday and heard a sermon about the Ten Commandments. This caused him to go to Confession.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," he began.
"Go ahead, my son," said the priest.
"Well, I lost my hat and I came to church to steal one.  But I heard your great sermon and I changed my mind."
"That's good, my son, 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' is a powerful commandment," said the priest.
"That's right," the man replied, "But it was when you said 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' that I finally remembered where my hat was."

15.  Inheritance story.

A young man, still living at home, expected to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widowed father died.  He decided that he needed a woman to enjoy it with him.  He went to several single bars until he found a woman that he fell immediately in love with.  He walked up to her and said: "Right now, I'm just an average guy, but within a month or two, my father will die and I will inherit 80 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with the young man.... and within a week she had become his stepmother.

16. Lost in the Mall.

A little boy was lost in a large shopping mall.  He approached a uniformed policeman and said: "I've lost my grandpa!"

The policeman askked: "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then answered:  "Budweiser beer and women with big butts."

Jokes of a Certain Age

As I try to get organized, I often come across jokes that I have forgotten. This batch comes from the early 2000's, so be kind.. they are pretty old.

01. Sign.

We saw this mysterious sign in the window of a restaurant in Cambridge, Maryland.

STEAMED CRABS - Applications accepted.

02. Poverty.

I was so poor as a kid, I couldn't afford a kite. I had to tie a string to a seagull instead.

03. Widower.

When I was a new widower, I tried to use the waffle iron. I ruined 2 pairs of pants.

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I know, I know.. I'm starting out real slow.
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04. Diet.

Well, now I've been on a diet for 4 weeks and I've lost 28 days.

05. Duck.

A duck goes into a fast food restaurant and asks: "Got any duck food?"

The clerk says: "No."

The duck goes out and comes back in and says: "Got any duck food?"

The clerk says: "I told you .. No! Go away!"

The duck goes out and comes back in and says: "Got any duck food?"

The exasperated clerk says: "Look.. I don't have any duck food. Go away or I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!"

The duck goes out and comes back in and says: "Got any nails?"

The clerk yells: "NO!"

The duck says: "Good! Got any duck food?"

06. Automobiles.


"Can you name four cars that start with 'P'?"


"No.. cars start with gasoline."


07. Nosey.


A guy was walking by a mental institution surrounded by a high fence and he heard someone saying: "13, 13, 13, 13." He was very curious and spotted a knothole in the fence. He put his eye up to it, and then he heard: "14, 14, 14, 14."


08. Dog.



A man was sitting next to a gallon of gas that he had in a bucket. Suddenly, a dog came up and drank some of the gasoline, and then began to run around and around and around.. and finally fell over on the ground. A passer-by asked: "Is he dead?"

The man replied: "No, he just ran out of gas."


09. Study.


A recent study by the University of Maryland found that women laugh much more than men.

And do you know what they laugh about? MEN.


10. Slightly naughty.



"Why is that blind man's leg yellow?"

"Because his dog is blind too."



11. A little naughtier.



A lady of the night approached a senior citizen passing by. "Hey, would you like super sex?"

The old man replied: "I'll take the soup."

12. Toastmasters.


Sylvia Wicker was evaluating the speech of a fellow toastmaster. At one point of her critique she said: "You had so many 'um's that I thought that I was taking Morse Code."


13. Skydiving.

Q: Why are there no blind skydivers?

A: Because it scares the devil out of the dog.


14. Playboy.


Before Hugh Hefner settled down with his current girl friend, I sent him a Christmas present: A set of His and Hers and Hers and Hers towels.


15. Grocery.

Once I thought that Grey Poupon was unscented toilet paper.


16. Politics.


Politicians are like babies.. they need to be changed often and for the same reason.


17. Politics.


The word politics comes from:



poly = many

tics = blood suckers



18. Prayer.



A boy said his prayers one night.. "God bless Grandma".. and the next day she died.



The next night the boy said: "God bless Grandpa" .. and the next day he died.



The next night the boy said: "God bless Daddy".. so Daddy got scared and stayed at work to avoid problems and came home the next day to find his wife all upset. He said: "Why?"

She replied: "I needed you, the milkman dropped dead on our doorstep."


19. Doctor.


Worried patient: "Doctor, tell me, how long do I have to live?"

Doctor: "Ten."

Patient: "Ten what?"

Doctor: "Ten, nine, eight...."


20. Widower.

As a new widower, I asked the grocer to sell me some "scratch."

He didn't know what I was asking for.

So, I told him.. my late wife always made everything "from scratch", so I need to get me some of that.

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Thanks for staying with me to the end.
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Some Jokes for the Beginning of 2011

01. Dieting:

Poem:

My soul is dark with raging riot,

Directly traceable to diet.

(anon)

Thoughts:

0-- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

0-- If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

0-- Help keep your kitchen clean. Eat out.

0-- My next house will have no kitchen.. just vending machines.

0-- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

02. Religion and kids: An AARP friend of mine named Clyde Kreitser used to like to tell this story.

A 5 year-old boy went with his parents to church. The preacher's sermon was on SIN and he made sure that everybody knew that if they sinned, they would roast in Hell fire until they were ashes.

The little boy listened intently and then raised his hand and asked the preacher: "I'm in Kindergarten, so, if I am bad and die, will I just become a cinder?"

03. Politics and kids: Clare Mezzanotte told us about this exchange:

Grandma Clare just came back from voting in a Presidential election.

Her 4 year-old grandson asked her: "Did you vote for Bushington?"

04. Mind games:

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First, I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies: "That is very simple. You are just too tents."

05. DIY:

Question: How many men does it take to wallpaper a bedroom?

Answer: Two, if you slice them thin enough.

06. Marriage:

"What's your husband getting for his 50th birthday?" the woman asked her friend.

"Fat and bald, " she replied.

07. Death:

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you are in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Friend 1 said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Friend 2 said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God, who made a big difference in people's lives."

Friend 3 said: "I'd like them to say, 'Hey, look! He's moving!'"

08. Genie:

A guy rubbed a lamp and the emerging genie gave him one wish. So, he thought long and hard, and then said: "I would like to have a chick with long legs!" So the genie gave him an ostrich.

09. Animals:

Judge, my wife keeps a goat in the bedroom and I can't stand the smell any longer.

Why don't you open the window?

What.. and let my chickens out?

10. Religion:

The preacher was greeting his flock after the Sunday service when a young boy stopped and told him: "I want to grow up and get a good job so I can give you and your church lots of money."

"That's very nice," the pastor said. "And what made you decide to be so generous?"

"Today's sermon," replied the boy.

"Oh," the pastor beamed; "What was it about the sermon?"

"Well, when you finished, my dad said you were about the poorest preacher he's ever heard."

11. Money:

The snooty heir told a friend, "I'm going to inherit a newspaper from my rich dad."

"So what?" said the friend. "I buy a new one every day."

12. Feghoot:

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and they were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved away.

"Because," he said: "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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