If you are feeling a little blue this season, try a few of these jokes and see if they pick you up a bit. Some are from a guy named Paul Seipp, who does music and comical patter, Steve Allen, Louise Miller, and one is from Pastor Jimmy (Carroll Lutheran Village) ... guess which one..
01. Aging.
1st guy: "I have a new hearing aid."
2nd guy: "What kind is it?"
1st guy: "Three O'clock."
02. Marriage.
If my wife sees anything "marked down", she buys it. Last week, she came home with 8 dresses and one escalator.
03. Marriage.
My wife had plastic surgery last week. I cut up her credit cards.
04. Ten Commandments.
A preacher addressed his congregation: "Yesterday, I had my bicycle stolen and today I decided to talk about the Ten Commandments, especially the one that says: Thou shalt not steal."
Part of the way into his sermon, at the commandment that states: Thou shalt not commit adultery, he suddenly stopped, and left the pulpit, saying as he went: "I just remembered where I left my bicycle."
05. The Bible.
A seller of Bibles was the top salesman for months. Other less successful sellers wanted to know his secret, since he was a very bad stutterer. He told them: "I j-j-just ask people: do you want to b-b-buy a B-B-Bible, or d-d-do you want me to read it to you?"
06. Logic.
A professor, trying to emphasize a point in logic, asked his class: "If the U.S. is bounded on the north by Canada, on the west by the Pacific Ocean, on the east by the Atlantic Ocean, and on the south by Mexico, how old am I?"
Everybody was stumped except for the class dumbbell who said: "You are 44 years old."
The amazed professor said: "That's right! How did you figure that out?"
The student said: "That's easy. I have a brother who is 1/2 as nuts as you and he's 22."
07. More Logic.
A teacher asked Jim: "How much is ten times eight?"
Jim: "Monday."
Teacher: "That's silly. Billy, how much is ten times eight?"
Billy: "Watermelon."
Teacher: "That's silly too. Joey, how much is ten times eight?"
Joey: "Eighty."
Teacher: "That's right, Joey. Now tell the class how you got that answer."
Joey: "Well, I subtracted Monday from Watermelon."
08. Marriage:
A 92 year old gentleman brought his 18 year old girlfriend to the church to be married.
The priest said: "The baptismal font is on the other side of the church."
Old man: "What do I want with the font?"
Priest: "Oh, I beg your pardon, I thought you had brought this child to be baptised."
09. Even more logic.
A teacher told her class: "You all saw the worm swimming happily in the glass of water. But when I put the worm in a glass of alcohol, it died. What does that prove?"
Student: If you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."
10. Marriage.
Question: Why do men die before women?
Answer: Self-defence.
11. Recipe file.
Question: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Answer: You can roast beef, but you cannot pee soup.
12. Military.
Question: When you were in the Army, did you get a commission?
Answer: No.. just straight pay.
Bonus!
Aging logic.
An elderly couple visited a doctor and complained about their sex life. The doctor examined them and gave them some advice and told them to go into an adjoining little room and try it out. They came back after a long time and told the doctor that it worked fine, and left.
A month later, the couple returned with the same complaint. The doctor repeated the procedure and had them go into the little room. Once again, the couple reported satisfaction and started to leave. The doctor stopped them and said that perhaps the strange surrondings were stimulating and that maybe next time they should try a motel room instead.
The elderly lady replied that they had been doing that before, but the motel room cost $50, whereas his fee was $100, and they got back $90 from Medicare.
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Showing posts with label military. Show all posts
Showing posts with label military. Show all posts
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
How about a little less negativity?
Most of you, like me, are probably completely fed up with the excessively negative political ads this year. Why don't you take a few minutes to read some jokes and perhaps have a laugh to counter those depressing ads, at least for a while.
01. Finances. A lady went to a bank drive-through teller and asked to have a check cashed. The teller asked her if she had an account there. She said "No", so the teller asked to see her license. So she put the car in gear andd drove forwards and backwards.
02. Military. General Von Steuben addressed his soldiers at Valley Forge. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are all going to have a change of underwear. The bad news is that Bill will change with Joe, Joe with Jim, and, etc."
03. Landscaping. The only time my lawn looks as good as my neighbor's is when there is a snow storm. (from the BBC's My Word.)
04. Driving: A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove over the curb, and stopped inches away from a plate glass window.
Finally, the shaking cab driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylight out of me." The passenger apologized but said that he wouldn't have thought that a mere tap on the shoulder would scare him so much.
The driver replied, "Oh, no, its all my fault. Today is my first day driving a taxi. I've been driving a hearse for the past 20 years."
(stolen from the Westminster Senior Center Chatterbox)
05. Debt. The President of a South American country died and had a very large funeral, at which a letter from the Presiden't was read. In it, he accused his three Vice Presidents of cheating him out of some of the government's funds that were to be used for his personal use.
The first VP got up and said he was sorry for what he had done and said that he would put 50% of the ill-gotten money into the coffin, to be buried with the President, and he placed the cash in the coffin. The second VP felt even worse and put 2/3rds of the cash he had pilfered into the coffin. The third VP said that he felt even more sorry than the others and would put 100% of his debt into the coffin. So, the third VP wrote a check for the full amount and put it into the coffin.
06. Aging: Bonnie Ciborowski sent this to me some time ago.
"Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you are barefoot.
"Old" is when going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"Old" is when you get cautioned to slow down by the doctor, instead of by the policeman.
"Old" is when "Getty Lucky" means you are able to find your car in the parking lot.
07. Bible. More bible quotes from children:
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was, by profession a taxi driver.
08. Life. Poem:
I get up in the morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead,
So, I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
09. Letha's jokes.
My wonderful secretary, Letha Alston, passed away in 2006. I noted a memorial about her in the Baltimore Sun the other day, and it reminded me of some truisms that she told me.
"The easiest way to stay awake during an afternoon dinner speech, is to deliver it."
"Middle age is when your narrow waist and broad mind begin to change places."
"You know you've reached middle age when weight lifting consists of just standing up."
How true!
As I've said elsewhere, Letha sent me a birthday card one day that read: "You remind me of Chinese food... Egg Foo Old!"
10. Marriage.
There are three rings that are important in a husband's life:
1. Engagement ring.
2. Wedding ring.
3. Suffering.
11. Truisms. Thoughts for delivery at an AARP meeting:
Good friends are hard to come by. When you need them, they hardly come by.
Happy wife, happy life.
Just think, if you're having a senior moment.. you are still alive!
As Liz Taylor said to her 8th husband: "I won't keep you long."
She went to Penn State, and her husband went to the State Pen.
What is so significant about your "other?"
12. Kids.
A woman was trying hard to get ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang and her four year old daughter answered it. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother and then said to the minister: "Mommy can't come to the phone right now, she's hitting the bottle."
Bye for now and have a funny day!
...............................................................................................................................
01. Finances. A lady went to a bank drive-through teller and asked to have a check cashed. The teller asked her if she had an account there. She said "No", so the teller asked to see her license. So she put the car in gear andd drove forwards and backwards.
02. Military. General Von Steuben addressed his soldiers at Valley Forge. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are all going to have a change of underwear. The bad news is that Bill will change with Joe, Joe with Jim, and, etc."
03. Landscaping. The only time my lawn looks as good as my neighbor's is when there is a snow storm. (from the BBC's My Word.)
04. Driving: A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove over the curb, and stopped inches away from a plate glass window.
Finally, the shaking cab driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylight out of me." The passenger apologized but said that he wouldn't have thought that a mere tap on the shoulder would scare him so much.
The driver replied, "Oh, no, its all my fault. Today is my first day driving a taxi. I've been driving a hearse for the past 20 years."
(stolen from the Westminster Senior Center Chatterbox)
05. Debt. The President of a South American country died and had a very large funeral, at which a letter from the Presiden't was read. In it, he accused his three Vice Presidents of cheating him out of some of the government's funds that were to be used for his personal use.
The first VP got up and said he was sorry for what he had done and said that he would put 50% of the ill-gotten money into the coffin, to be buried with the President, and he placed the cash in the coffin. The second VP felt even worse and put 2/3rds of the cash he had pilfered into the coffin. The third VP said that he felt even more sorry than the others and would put 100% of his debt into the coffin. So, the third VP wrote a check for the full amount and put it into the coffin.
06. Aging: Bonnie Ciborowski sent this to me some time ago.
"Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you are barefoot.
"Old" is when going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"Old" is when you get cautioned to slow down by the doctor, instead of by the policeman.
"Old" is when "Getty Lucky" means you are able to find your car in the parking lot.
07. Bible. More bible quotes from children:
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was, by profession a taxi driver.
08. Life. Poem:
I get up in the morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead,
So, I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
09. Letha's jokes.
My wonderful secretary, Letha Alston, passed away in 2006. I noted a memorial about her in the Baltimore Sun the other day, and it reminded me of some truisms that she told me.
"The easiest way to stay awake during an afternoon dinner speech, is to deliver it."
"Middle age is when your narrow waist and broad mind begin to change places."
"You know you've reached middle age when weight lifting consists of just standing up."
How true!
As I've said elsewhere, Letha sent me a birthday card one day that read: "You remind me of Chinese food... Egg Foo Old!"
10. Marriage.
There are three rings that are important in a husband's life:
1. Engagement ring.
2. Wedding ring.
3. Suffering.
11. Truisms. Thoughts for delivery at an AARP meeting:
Good friends are hard to come by. When you need them, they hardly come by.
Happy wife, happy life.
Just think, if you're having a senior moment.. you are still alive!
As Liz Taylor said to her 8th husband: "I won't keep you long."
She went to Penn State, and her husband went to the State Pen.
What is so significant about your "other?"
12. Kids.
A woman was trying hard to get ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang and her four year old daughter answered it. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother and then said to the minister: "Mommy can't come to the phone right now, she's hitting the bottle."
Bye for now and have a funny day!
...............................................................................................................................
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