I have been quite busy lately, and haven't had time to post my usual "monthly dozen" of jokes.. so I'll try to catch up. Here are two dozen.. and, as usual, you will have to take the good with the bad.
01. Miss Kitty said?
Guy 1: "Hey.. do you think they have cats in heaven?"
Guy 2: "Of course. Where do you think they get strings for their harps?"
02. Dog lover said?
Guy 1: "My dog is wonderful. He cost me $500. He's part Terrier and part Bull."
Guy 2: "Which part is Bull?"
Guy 1: "The part about it costing me $500."
03. Groucho said?
"I once worked a really cheap theater in the round. The stage didn't rotate.. every few minutes the audience had to get up and change seats."
04. O. Henry said:
"A story with a moral appended is like the bill of the mosquito. It bores you and then injects a stinging drop to irritate your conscience."
05. Phyllis Diller said?
"I once went braless and wore a peek-a-boo blouse. It was embarrassing. First they'd peek, then they'd boo."
06. What if budget cuts affected 911 operators?
"Thank you for calling 911, your emergency number. Normally, we would ask if you wanted police, fire, or ambulance, but all of our operators are busy helping other callers at the moment. If you will stay on the line, your call will be answered in turn."
07. Old Couple.
Did you hear about the couple who got married so late in life that Medicare paid for the honeymoon?
08. Old Maid.
Did you hear about the old maid who sent her picture to a "Lonely Hearts Club?" They returned it with a note saying: "Sorry.. but we're not that lonely!"
09. The wisdom of age.
The old man's expectant relatives were gathered for the reading of the will after his death.
The lawyer read from the will as follows:
"Being of sound mind. I spent every last cent before I died."
10. Religious truisms? (wait for complaints.)
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Catholics do not recognize Luther as the head of their church.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.
11. Classic naughtiness from BBC's Captain Peacock:
On the breast of a barmaid from Vale
Was tatooed all the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was recorded the same thing in Braille.
12. Hunger.
The newlywed husband came home from work to find his wife in tears.
"Supper is scorched!" she sobbed.
"What happened?" he asked. "Did the Burger King burn down?"
13. Money.
A counterfeiter, new to the business, gave the bartender a nine dollar bill to pay for his two dollar beer.
The bartender glanced at it, tossed it in his cash register. and gave the customer a four dollar bill and a three dollar bill in change. The counterfeiter smiled, realizing the bartender was on to him.
"At least I beat you out of a beer!" he said as he was about to head for the door.
"What makes you think that was beer?" the bartender asked.
14. Bible study.
One Sunday, a preacher announced that his next sermon would be on the topic of lying.
"To prepare, I'd like you all to read the 30th chapter of the Book of Matthew," he said.
The next Sunday, he asked those who had done the recommended reading to raise their hands. All hands went up.
"That's a good introduction to my topic," said the preacher.
"You're all liars. There is no 30th chapter in the Book of Matthew!"
15. Cheap guy.
"My father invented the limbo dance. He was trying to sneak into a pay toilet."
16. Norm Crosby said:
"Two antennas got married. The wedding wasn't too spectacular.. but the reception was excellent."
17. Old Couple.
My wife and I are growing old. Last week she asked me to make her a banana split. A half hour later, I brought her bacon and eggs. She said: "I knew you'd forget the toast."
18. Old Rocker.
At a senior community, I encountered an elderly lady rocking back and forth like a metronome. I asked her why.
She said: "So I can tell time."
So I asked her: "What time is it?"
She replied: "6:30."
I said: "But you're wrong, it's 6:45."
She said: "It is?"
Now rocking faster, she said: "I must be slow."
19. Illness.
Guy 1: "How was your trip?"
Guy 2: "I was sick the whole time because I can't ride backwards on a train."
Guy 1: "Why didn't you switch with the person sitting across from you?"
Guy 2. "That's a good idea, but nobody was there."
20. Marriage.
Guy 1: "For 20 years my wife and I were ecstatically happy!"
Guy 2: "What happened then?"
Guy 1: "We met.
21. Marriage.
Guy 1: "They say your wife is outspoken."
Guy 2: "By whom?"
22. Marriage in Minnesota:
I bought my wife a refrigerator during the Winter. She had a great job breaking ice up into small pieces to put in those little trays.
23. Holiday wish.
As the Fourth of July holiday approached, I noticed a sad looking young lady pushing a stroller holding two toddlers, while she carried an infant in her arms. To try to cheer her up, I said: "Happy Fourth!"
She slapped my face.
24. Marriage.
Young lady: "Can I marry an octopus?"
Lawyer: "No, of course not!"
Young lady: "Then how do I get rid of 8 engagement rings?"
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