Some Jokes to Welcome Fall

It's time for my monthly joke Blog entry.  Twelve hilarious jokes, guaranteed to cheer you up or put you to sleep.  You decide.

1.  Bus Driver Religious Joke #1

On our crab feast ride today, the driver, Ken, who works for Rill's Bus Company, told the following joke, in which he included the name of a well-known clergyman in Carroll County Maryland.
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Sister Margaret was driving through a small town, delivering donated medical equipment to sickly shut-ins, when her car ran out of gas.  Being an independent person, she walked to the Gas Station, about a quarter of a mile away. 

The attendant told her that his only gasoline can was on loan to a customer and there was no container in the shop that could hold gasoline.

Undeterred, Sister Margaret trekked back to her car and uncovered the only thing available that could hold fluid.. a bed pan.   Holding it under her arm, she walked back to the station and got it filled with gasoline. 

As she got back to her car, and was filling the gas tank from the bed pan, Reverend Lou Piel drove by, and stopped to observe. He looked on in astonishment and turned to his wife and said:  "If that car starts after this, I'm converting!"

2.  Bus Driver Religious Joke #2

Ken was now on a roll and followed up with another joke.
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A young boy was standing in the back of a church looking at a long list of names.  Just then, the Preacher walked by and the boy asked what the list was all about.  The Preacher said:  That is a list of the people who died in the service."

The boy asked: "Was that the 9:30 service or the 11 am service?"

3.  The Genie

Since I'm naming actual people in this blog entry, let me tell a joke that I believe was first told to an audience by Hermine Saunders, another famous Carroll County Maryland personage.
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A guy was walking along a beach and found a bottle.  As he rubbed the sand off of it with his handkerchief, a Genie appeared.   Since the Genie was only a Genie Third Class, he could only offer the finder one wish.

The man thought very long and hard, and finally came up with a wish.

"Since I hate to fly, but love Hawaii, I want you to build me a bridge across the Pacific, so I can drive there."

The Genie thought very long and hard, and finally said that building a bridge like that would use up tons and tons of resources, require travel plazas, hotels, and restaurants.  He wondered if the man could perhaps come up with a different wish.

So, the man sat down and once again thought very long and hard, and finally came up with a new wish.

"I would like you to make me able to understand women."

The Genie immediately responded:  "Would you like two or four lanes?"

4.  Grouchy Lady Version #1

Roy Chiavacci, Executive Vice President of the place I live, Carroll Lutheran Village, is a masterful joke teller.  I've stolen some of his jokes before to be put into this blog.  This is how he kind of told this joke recently at the Village.
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A lady had been very grouchy and grumpy lately.  Her husband talked her into having a medical checkup to find out what was wrong. 

At the end of the session, the Doctor and the man's wife came out of the examination room, and the Doctor suddenly grabbed the lady in his arms and gave her a big voluptuous kiss.  He then said: "This is what your wife needs.  And she needs it three times a week."

The husband then said: "Well, I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I'll have to get somebody else to bring her in on Friday."

5.  Grouchy Lady Version #2

My friend, Alan Kaufman, Distinguished Toastmaster and celebrated story-teller throughout the East Coast, tells this version.. which I will try to not screw up too much.
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Mr. Jones brought his wife in to see the Doctor.  He told the doc that his wife has been very irritable and grouchy lately.. in fact, she has been kvetchy.. 

The Doctor took a look at Mrs. Jones and gave his diagnosis.  He said:  "This case is easy.  Your wife is starved for affection.  She needs some loving.. at least three times a week."

Mr. Jones said: "Well, okay, put me down for Mondays."

6. Who's on?

Someone send me the beginning of an upgraded Abbott and Costello routine:

Abbott:  Computer Store, can I help you?

Costello: I want to buy a computer.

Abbott:  Mac?

Costello:  No, this is Lou.

Abbott:  Do you want Windows?

Costello:  Why, is it stuffy in here?

and more of the same... you can write it yourself.

7.  Picking on Women Drivers?

Wife on phone to husband:  "I've got good news and bad news."

Husband: "Tell me the good news first."

Wife:  "The airbag works."

8.  Marriage?

A couple is lying in bed one night when the woman turns to the man and says: "I'm going to make you the happiest man in the world."

The man responded: "I'm going to miss you."

9.  The Draft

A young man was not happy when he received his draft notice, and decided to give answers to the doctors' questions that would help him fail the physical.

Doctor: "What can you see on that wall over there?"

Young Man:  "What wall?"

Doctor:  "Congratulations!  You just passed the Hearing Test."

10.  The Hand Appears

This comes from a 2006 issue of Weekly World News.
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A man was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a storm.

Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop.  Without thinking, the man got into the back seat, closed the door, and then realized there was no one behind the  wheel!

The car started slowly and the man panicked as he looked out at the road and saw a curve coming up.,  Scared, he started to pray for his life.

Suddenly, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.  Frozen with fear, the man watched how the hand appeared every time, right before a curve.

Gathering his strength, the passenger finally jumped from the car and ran to the nearest town.  He went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the terrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the man was serious.

About half an hour later, two men walked into the same restaurant.  They looked around for a table when one said to the other, "Hey, look! That's the guy who got in the car when we were pushing it."

11.  Driving

A State policeman saw an older lady drive by.. she was knitting while she drove.

He pulled his vehicle next to her and yelled: "Pull over!"

She yelled back at him with a smile, "No, cardigan."

12. Logic

Little Johnny's Kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station where they saw pictures tacked  to a bulletin board of the ten most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman.  "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked: "Then why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
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Gas?

Is the price of gas getting you down?  Well, here is some "gas" that is free.

01.  Pearly Gates

There are two entrances to Heaven for men.  One is marked: "Gate 1: For Those Men Who Dominated Their Wives."  The other entrance is marked: "Gate 2: For Those Men Who Were Dominated By Their Wives."

As would be expected, the line at Gate 2 was extremely long.  But the line at Gate 1 had only one man waiting to get in.

A passing angel asked the man at Gate 1 why he was in that line.  The man answered: "My wife told me to."

02.  Golf

Golfer #1:  "My wife is going to leave me if I don't give up golf."
Golfer #2:  "What are you going to do?"
Golfer #1:  "I'm going to really miss her!"

03.  From Steve Allen #1.. Court

Judge: "Will you tell the court what passed between you and your wife during the quarrel?"
Defendant:  "Yes.  A flatiron, a rolling pin, six plates and a teakettle."

04.  From Steve Allen #2 .. Doctor

I have a great doctor.  I told him I couldn't afford the surgery that he recommended, so he touched up my X-Ray.

05. From Steve Allen #3 .. Poem

I often pause and wonder,
At times peculiar ways,
Nearly all our famous men
Were born on Holidays.

06.  Kids

A boy was watching his father, a preacher, write a sermon.  He asked: "How do you know what to say?"
His father replied: "God tells me what to say."
The boy asked: "Then why do you keep crossing things out?"

07.  More Golf

Question:  Why is golf like taxes?
Answer:     Well, you drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole.

08.  Even more Golf.. from Sid Simon

Give me my golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep my golf clubs and the fresh air.

09.  Doctor's Orders

An old man went to the doctor to get a physical.   A few days later, the doctor saw him walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

The doctor stopped him and said: "You seem to be doing real good."
The old man said:  "Yes, I'm doing what you said to do: 'Get a hot mama and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said: "No.. what I said was: 'You have a heart murmur and be careful!'"

10.  More from Sid Simon .. Doctor stuff

Question:  Why did the doctor fail as a kidnapper?

Answer:    Nobody could read his ransom notes.

11.  Another Genie story

A man at a ballgame absently rubbed  a funny looking coke bottle and a genie suddenly appeared.

Genie:  I only have one wish to grant today.  I can give you either infinite wisdom, or a million dollars.

Man (looking around, seeing people watching him, and not wanting to appear greedy) says: I'll take infinite wisdom.

Whoof!  He is now smarter than anybody else in the world.

A guy seated next to him asked him:  "Now, with infinite wisdom, what is the greatest think that you now know?"

Man:  "I should have taken the damn million dollars!"

12.  Signs from the late Charlie Bennett (2002)

Sign over a gynecologist's office:  "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

Sign outside a muffler shop:  "No appointment necessary.  We hear you coming."

Sign in a veterinarian's waiting room:  "Be back in 5 minutes.  Sit!  Stay!

Sign at a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose."

Sign on an electrician's truck:  "Let us remove your shorts."

Sign on a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

Sign in an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

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A Little Humor

In these days of assassination by words and by bullets, we need something to cheer us up. So, here are a dozen items that I hope will make your day brighter.


01. Telephone. (from Jack Kolb)

A man called the operator from a phone booth and asked for a telephone number. After giving him the number, the operator heard horrible heavy breathing sounds and began to think that the man was having a heart attack and maybe she should connect with 911. She asked the man what was wrong, he said:

"I don't have a pen, so I'm trying to steam up the window to write the number on with my finger."

02. Texting codes. (from Joe Piechocki)

Senior citizens need some codes to use in addition to LOL and BTW. Some suggestions:

FWIW - Forgot where I was
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
IMHO - Is My Hearing-aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL... CGU - Rolling On the Floor Laughing ... and Can't Get Up

03. Cars. (From Jack Kolb)

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called the rush hour?

04. Male and Female.

God said to Adam: "I'm going to make a mate for you. She will clean your house, wash your clothes, cook your meals, and still have time to be your lover."
Adam said: "Lord, that will be great... but what will it cost me?"
God said: "An arm and a leg."
Adam said: " Oh, Lord.. well what could I get for a rib?"

05. Wisdom.

W.C. Fields: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again, and then quit. There's no use in making a fool of yourself."

06. Computers. (from: The Devil's DP Dictionary by Stan Kelly-Bootle)

consultant n. [from con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or possibly French con (vulgar) "a person of little merit" ... A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who has learned to decamp at hight speed in spite of the large briefcase and heavy wallet.... The earliest literary reference appears to be the ninth-century Arabic tale Ali Baba and the Forty Consultants.

Also, a poem from Stan:

"There are three things a man must do
Before his life is done;
Write two lines in APL,
And make the buggers run."

07. Toastmasters.

Either Allan Misch or Allan Kaufman came up with some classic Table-Topics, to test the mettle of new Toastmasters. (Table-Topics are given without warning to persons who are required to discuss each topic intelligently for one to three minutes.)

Topics to Discuss:

What is chocolate soap, and how is it used?

Explain how to substitute barbed wire for dental floss.

If a BLT is bacon, lettuce and ptomaine, what is PBS?

How would you whitewash a creature from the black lagoon?

08. France.

A strict looking customs inspector in Paris asked the American traveler:
"Do you have any pictures of naked women?"
The American replied: "Oh, no sir!"
The inspector then said: "Do you want to buy some?"

09. Kids. (from Stephen Flocks)

My father's hearing aid occasionally emits a brief high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him. One day my little niece was sitting on his lap when the device started to beep. Surprised, my niece looked up at him. "Grandpa," she said, "you've got mail."

10. Kids (source unknown)

There was a little boy who prayed fervently for two weeks, asking God for $100. When he got no answer, he thought maybe he would write to God to see if that would work. When the post office received the letter addressed to "GOD, USA" they thought it would be best to just forward the letter to President Clinton. The President thought it was so cute that he had his secretary send the boy $5, thinking that a little kid would think that was a lot of money.

When the boy got the money, he was so excited that he sat down right away to write a thank-you note to God: "Dear God, Thank you very much for the money you sent. I suppose it's to be expected, but I just thought you should know that when you sent it through Washington, D.C., the bastards deducted $95.

11. TV. (from Milton Berle)

"Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together."

12. Faces.

Bill found a mirror. He looked into it and said: "Wow! I've found a picture of my old puppy." He took it home and put it in his closet for safe keeping. His wife saw him put the mirror away, and when he left, she took it out and when she looked into it, she said: "Aha! So that's the old witch he's been chasing!"

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Jokes for October 8, 2010

Let's try some more items that I think are humorous. I hope you do too.

01. The Bible. Remarks by some Sunday School kids.. I don't know the source.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

The people who followed the Lord were called the twelve decibels.

Joshua fit the battle of Geritol.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, and a ball of fire at night.

The wives of the apostles are called epistles.

Moses died before he came to Canada.

David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Bible times.

The three wise guys came from the east side.

The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam: Eat this apple!

02. Getting Older: From My Aunt Mary:

An 80 year old woman has 4 boy friends. She rises with Big Ben, takes a walk with Paul Bunyan, comes home with Charlie Hoss, and goes to bed with Ben Gay.

03. Getting Older: My Aunt Mary could have added a couple of other boy friends:

Will Power helps the lady get out of bed and Arthur Ritis visits during the day. And, of course, she gets to visit John quite often.

04. Getting Older:

My preacher says that at my age, I should be thinking about the here-after. I told him I do think about it all the time. No matter where I am, I ask myself: "Now, what am I here after?"

05. Getting Older:

Old folks are rich in precious resources. They have silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their stomach.

06. Religion:

After a very long-winded Sunday church service, the minister approached a parishioner who had left during the sermon and returned later.

"Where did you go?" asked the minister.

"I went to the barber for a haircut," said the man.

"Why didn't you do that before you came to church? asked the minister.

"Well, I didn't need one then," said the man.

07. Religion:

A gentleman that I came to know in the Air Force told this at a bon-fire gathering one night in Germany. It is best told in African-American dialect.

At an outdoor camp meeting the crowd was getting quite excited because of the preacher's oratory. Some of the ladies were even dancing around quite actively. One of the lady, who was rather heavy-set was bouncing up and down. Suddenly, a twenty dollar bill flew out of her bosom and landed on the floor. The preacher took notice of this, but there may have been another brother who may have seen the occurence, so the preacher carried on:

"You have read in the Bible that if you have not seen, but still believe, I will abide with you later; but I also say unto you, if you who have seen, and believe that you have seen, and keep your big mouth shut.. I will divide with you later."

08. Getting Older:

Three old guys went to a doctor's office for a memory test.

Doctor: "What is 2 x 2?

First guy: "198"

Doctor: "What is 2 x 2?"

Second guy: "Thursday."

Doctor: "What is 2 x 2?"

Third guy: "4"

Doctor: "Good! How did you get that answer?"

Third guy: "I subtracted Thursday from 198."

09. Marriage:

A woman calls her husband at work:

Wife: "I've got good news and bad news."

Husband: "Give me the good news first."

Wife: "The airbag works."

10. Kids:

Bernie Handley, a good friend from the Social Security Administration told me this:

Bernie's 4 year old granddaughter likes to play "wedding".
One day, she was playing it with Bernie and she told Bernie:
"Don't peek, I'm going to put on my wedding dress and you be the groom and put on your torpedo!"

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