Most of my joke submissions today will be related to the Medical Field, with a kind of naughty and irreverent joke near the end.
Medical School
The professor said to the class of medical students, "Today we are going to discuss the lungs and the heart."
"No!" a student moaned. "Not another organ recital!"
Prognosis
A wife accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the husband's examination, the doctor came out shaking his head and looking worried.
"I don't like the looks of your husband," said the doctor.
The wife replied: "I don't either, but he's good with the children."
Advice to New Doctors
An experienced doctor addressed a medical school graduation class:
"When you're not working, it's important that you relax. You can't do that if friends are always coming up and asking you for medical opinions. When that happens, there is one simple word which will put a stop to it."
"Simply look the person in the eye and say, 'Undress!'"
Stress
Sid Simon sez: "My doctor has a great stress test. It's called the 'bill.'"
Hospital Costs
Sid Simon sez: "I don't blame hospitals for trying to keep costs down, but I really think a coin-operated bed pan is going a little too far."
Mental Floss
Sid Simon sez: "My wife told the doctor that she was afraid my mind was wandering. The doctor, who knows me, said: 'Don't worry, it can't go far."
Dental Floss
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Caffeine Addiction
Patient: "Doctor, whenever I drink coffee, I get a pain in my eye."
Doctor: "Well, take the damn spoon out of the cup, dummy!"
Medical Insurance
Doctor: "Just how long have you been wearing pink panties?"
Patient: "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment."
Rabbit Test
Moe: "What do you call an anaesthesized rabbit?"
Joe: "An ether bunny."
Husband's Medical Condition
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone and said: "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal he can take to work.
4. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.
5. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.
6. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs.
7. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.
8. Most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife: "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
Surgery
Sid Sez: "The definition of minor surgery is: An operation performed on somebody else."
Listen up!
Joe: "Hey, I got a great new hearing aid!"
Moe: "What kind is it?"
Joe: "Three o'clock."
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OK, here is the slightly naughty submission for today.
Mom's Affair
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. One day, her 9-year old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes it is."
Boy, "I have a baseball."
Man, "That's nice."
Boy, "Want to buy it?"
Man, "No thanks."
Boy, "My dad's outside."
Man, "OK, how much?"
Boy, "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.
Boy, "It's dark in here."
Man, "Yes, it is."
Boy, "I have a baseball glove."
Man, Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy, "$750."
Man, "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$1,000"
The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's more than those things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go into the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"
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Hope I didn't offend anyone with that one.
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Ralph Waldo Emerson said:
"To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place... to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."
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