In these days of assassination by words and by bullets, we need something to cheer us up. So, here are a dozen items that I hope will make your day brighter.
01. Telephone. (from Jack Kolb)
A man called the operator from a phone booth and asked for a telephone number. After giving him the number, the operator heard horrible heavy breathing sounds and began to think that the man was having a heart attack and maybe she should connect with 911. She asked the man what was wrong, he said:
"I don't have a pen, so I'm trying to steam up the window to write the number on with my finger."
02. Texting codes. (from Joe Piechocki)
Senior citizens need some codes to use in addition to LOL and BTW. Some suggestions:
FWIW - Forgot where I was
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
IMHO - Is My Hearing-aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL... CGU - Rolling On the Floor Laughing ... and Can't Get Up
03. Cars. (From Jack Kolb)
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called the rush hour?
04. Male and Female.
God said to Adam: "I'm going to make a mate for you. She will clean your house, wash your clothes, cook your meals, and still have time to be your lover."
Adam said: "Lord, that will be great... but what will it cost me?"
God said: "An arm and a leg."
Adam said: " Oh, Lord.. well what could I get for a rib?"
05. Wisdom.
W.C. Fields: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again, and then quit. There's no use in making a fool of yourself."
06. Computers. (from: The Devil's DP Dictionary by Stan Kelly-Bootle)
consultant n. [from con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or possibly French con (vulgar) "a person of little merit" ... A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who has learned to decamp at hight speed in spite of the large briefcase and heavy wallet.... The earliest literary reference appears to be the ninth-century Arabic tale Ali Baba and the Forty Consultants.
Also, a poem from Stan:
"There are three things a man must do
Before his life is done;
Write two lines in APL,
And make the buggers run."
07. Toastmasters.
Either Allan Misch or Allan Kaufman came up with some classic Table-Topics, to test the mettle of new Toastmasters. (Table-Topics are given without warning to persons who are required to discuss each topic intelligently for one to three minutes.)
Topics to Discuss:
What is chocolate soap, and how is it used?
Explain how to substitute barbed wire for dental floss.
If a BLT is bacon, lettuce and ptomaine, what is PBS?
How would you whitewash a creature from the black lagoon?
08. France.
A strict looking customs inspector in Paris asked the American traveler:
"Do you have any pictures of naked women?"
The American replied: "Oh, no sir!"
The inspector then said: "Do you want to buy some?"
09. Kids. (from Stephen Flocks)
My father's hearing aid occasionally emits a brief high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him. One day my little niece was sitting on his lap when the device started to beep. Surprised, my niece looked up at him. "Grandpa," she said, "you've got mail."
10. Kids (source unknown)
There was a little boy who prayed fervently for two weeks, asking God for $100. When he got no answer, he thought maybe he would write to God to see if that would work. When the post office received the letter addressed to "GOD, USA" they thought it would be best to just forward the letter to President Clinton. The President thought it was so cute that he had his secretary send the boy $5, thinking that a little kid would think that was a lot of money.
When the boy got the money, he was so excited that he sat down right away to write a thank-you note to God: "Dear God, Thank you very much for the money you sent. I suppose it's to be expected, but I just thought you should know that when you sent it through Washington, D.C., the bastards deducted $95.
11. TV. (from Milton Berle)
"Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together."
12. Faces.
Bill found a mirror. He looked into it and said: "Wow! I've found a picture of my old puppy." He took it home and put it in his closet for safe keeping. His wife saw him put the mirror away, and when he left, she took it out and when she looked into it, she said: "Aha! So that's the old witch he's been chasing!"
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Showing posts with label computer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label computer. Show all posts
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Post-Election Jokes
Now that the elections are over, comedians across the U.S. will be having fun picking on the newly elected as well as the out-going folks. I won't do that, I will just tell a few old jokes that you probably have heard many times before, and maybe a couple that you haven't heard before.
01. YMCA. A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst out into shrieks, with the ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked: "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
02. Vital question. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
03. Religion. Joke from Bill Engelhardt: A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since leavened bread is forbidden during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzo, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.
A little later, a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.
The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"
04. Religion. An Irish priest was driving down to New York and got stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said: "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," said the priest.
The trooper said, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
05. Computer poem. (attributed to Bill Gates, but I doubt it.)
The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online'.
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy', 'Scan', and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!
06. Truisms.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
Dijon vu ... the same mustard as before.
That name Pavlov rings a bell.
When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
07. Religion.
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked: "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 40 years to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. She even changed her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on the way home, she was hit and killed by a truck.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the truck?"
God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
08. Women. Middle age is when you go prematurely blond.
09. Marriage. A woman finally got married at the age of 89. Her friend asked her:
"Is he handsome?" ... "No."
"Is he rich?" ... "No."
"Is he fun?"... "No."
"Then why did you marry him?"... "Because he can drive at night."
10. Money. The owner of a small business was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Maryland, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 15%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
11. Mothers. (Perhaps from Henny Youngman.)
A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son asked: "Why are you so weak?"
She said: "Because I haven't eaten in 40 days."
The son asked: "Why haven't you eaten in 40 days?"
The mother answered: "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
12. More questions.
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a man who invests all your money called a broker?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it: FED UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
..............................................................................................
01. YMCA. A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst out into shrieks, with the ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked: "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
02. Vital question. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
03. Religion. Joke from Bill Engelhardt: A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since leavened bread is forbidden during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzo, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.
A little later, a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.
The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"
04. Religion. An Irish priest was driving down to New York and got stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said: "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," said the priest.
The trooper said, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
05. Computer poem. (attributed to Bill Gates, but I doubt it.)
The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online'.
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy', 'Scan', and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!
06. Truisms.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
Dijon vu ... the same mustard as before.
That name Pavlov rings a bell.
When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
07. Religion.
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked: "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 40 years to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. She even changed her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on the way home, she was hit and killed by a truck.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the truck?"
God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
08. Women. Middle age is when you go prematurely blond.
09. Marriage. A woman finally got married at the age of 89. Her friend asked her:
"Is he handsome?" ... "No."
"Is he rich?" ... "No."
"Is he fun?"... "No."
"Then why did you marry him?"... "Because he can drive at night."
10. Money. The owner of a small business was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Maryland, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 15%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
11. Mothers. (Perhaps from Henny Youngman.)
A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son asked: "Why are you so weak?"
She said: "Because I haven't eaten in 40 days."
The son asked: "Why haven't you eaten in 40 days?"
The mother answered: "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
12. More questions.
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a man who invests all your money called a broker?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it: FED UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
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