The Merry Month of May

The sun is trying to come out to warm the dark green grass that has sprouted about four inches in two days.  We are lucky here in Maryland not to have the weather problems that some of the other States are having.. especially Mississippi.  Perhaps some of our friends down there, like Dawn T., might like a few jokes to cheer them up a little.

01.  Here's Johnny!

Johnny Carson used to do a wonderful skit where he became The Great Karnack.  Karnack was able to Question Answers like the following:

Answer:     Beating around the bush.

Question:   Describe a lawn party at the Marquis de Sades' house.
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Answer:    A trip  to the moon on gossamer wings.

Question:   Describe the Greenwich Village space program.
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Answer:    Cool hand Luke.

Question:   Who do the cows hate to see come into the barn in the AM?
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Answer:    A short sprint.

Question:  What do you put on a broken thumb  in Japan?
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Answer:   Malibu

Question:  What does a Mali-ghost say?
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I know, I know, you had to be there.

02. Religious Issues

Church Bulletin:  "Potluck dinner today, prayer and medication to follow."
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Bingo session: 

Q: Why is the priest calling the numbers in Latin?
A:  Because he doesn't want Protestants to win.
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A guy enters a cafe.  He spots two beautiful blondes sitting at the bar.
Guy to Girls:  "Hey, are you two sisters?"
Girl to Guy:   "Hell no, we're not even Catholic.
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Just wondering:  In Heaven, do all the women wear the exact same halo?
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03.  Medicine

Patient to Doctor:  "I think I'll get a second opinion."

Doctor to Patient:  "Fine, come in tomorrow."
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04.  Old Bumper Stickers

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE WAY I DRIVE, GET OFF OF THE SIDEWALK!
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MY KID CAN BEAT UP YOUR HONOR STUDENT!
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ARCHAEOLOGISTS WILL DATE ANY OLD THING.
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EAT RIGHT, EXERCISE.  DIE ANYWAY.
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FROGS PARKING ONLY. ALL OTHERS WILL BE TOAD.
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05. At the Hospital

A nurse placed a stethoscope on an elderly deaf female patient's chest.
"Big breaths," instructed the nurse.
The patient responded: "Yes, they used to be."
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06.  Questions for Junior High School Students

Q:  Why does your sister have such a big belly button?
A:   So she can carry the flag in the Veterans' Day parade.
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Q:  Why did the chicken join the band?
A:   Because he had drumsticks.
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Q:  Why did the spider move out of the window sill?
A:   He wanted to change websites.
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Q:  Why did the Siamese Twins move to England?
A:   So the other one could drive.
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07.  Comedians Talk

Steven Wright:  "If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
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Art Buchwald said of his 50th Class Reunion: "A lot of old faces, with a lot of new teeth."
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Henny Youngman liked to say: "Take my wife...  please!"

Recently, I heard the origin of that phrase.  Henny was backstage with his wife and friend before he was to perform.  He was given the sign to start early, so he didn't have time to escort his wife to the audience.  His friend said that he was leaving to get his seat, so Henny asked him: "Please take my wife."  Since that made his friend smile, Henny decided to change it around a little and see if it worked with the audience.  It did.
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08.  Another version, maybe

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender:  "I want something tall and cold, and filled with gin."
The bartender says:  "Take my wife!"
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09.  More bartender stuff

A guy goes into a bar and orders a stiff drink and then begins to moan.

The bartender asks: "What's the problem, pal?" 

The guy says: "Until today, I had everything a man could ask for.  Money, a nice place to live, and the love of a beautiful woman."

Bartender:  "What happened?"

Guy: "My wife found out."

10.  Introduction

During a recent retirement dinner, the Toastmaster gave the following intro:

"Today, we honor a man who doesn't know the meaning of "fear".  He doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit", and also doesn't know the meaning of the word "impossible."...So, we all chipped in and bought him a dictionary."

11.  Some alphabetic Animals

A: An alligator went on a train trip and gave his suitcase to a redcap.  He told him: "Be careful, that's my wife."
E: An elephant went into a clothing store and told the clerk: "I'd like to see something new in trunks."
F: A boy flea asked a girl flea to come up to his apartment to see his itchings.
H: A zoo-keeper took his hippo to the vet and said: "I don't know what is wrong with him, he just pecks at his food.  A peck of this; a peck of that."
Z: Rider to train conductor:  "There's a zebra in my upper berth, isn't that amazing?"
Conductor:  "It certainly is.  His ticket calls for a drawing room."

.....

12:  More alphabetic animals.

F: Time flies like the wind,
    Fruit flies like bananas.
D: A duck orders a big meal at a restaurant, and when it is time to pay, he says: "Put it on my bill."
D: A dog played classical music, but his Bach was worse than his bite.
M: Monkeys shoot dice; but it's ok, they only play for peanuts.


Had enough!
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Some Jokes to Start

The world needs more laughter, so I am setting up a new blog as a vehicle for passing on jokes, puns and other humorous stuff. I believe that all of material I plan to post is in the public domain; at least, I don't have the faintest idea where most of it came from.. and if I ever find out, I will share that information with you. I've been collecting what I think is humorous material for fifty years and now it is time to share it with y'all, whether you want me to, or not.



01. Christmas:


There will no longer be nativity scenes in Washington, D.C. Nobody is complaining about that because everyone knows that it has now become impossible to find three wise men and a virgin in our nation's capitol. However, there are still plenty of asses available for the stable.


02. Marriage:


Husband: "My wife handles all the smaill decisions and I handle all the big ones."
Friend: "Give me an example."
Husband: "Well, we haven't had any big ones yet."


03. Marriage:


They had a very short marriage, they fought over custody of the wedding cake.


04. Homework:


Teacher: "Wieso kommst du denn schon wieder zu spaet, Jens?"
Jens:: "Ich bin auf dem Schulweg ueberfallen worden!"
Teacher: "Was? Wurde dir etwas geraubt?"
Jens: "Ja, zum Glueck aber nur die Hausaufgaben!"

05. Introductions:

Speaker Joe Vaughan: "You don't need to give me a long introduction."

Toastmaster: "O.K."

Toastmaster: "Our speaker today is Joe Vaughan, and the less said about him the better."

06. Cross:

Q. What do you get if you cross an apeman with a zebra?

A. Tarzan stripes forever.

07. Trickery:

Q. How do you keep a turkey in suspence?

A. I'll tell you tomorrow.

08. Marriage:

A 96 year old man and a 93 year old woman are about to get married. The groom goes into a drug store and tells the manager that because he is getting married, he needs Viagra, heart medicine, vitamin pills, hernia aids, etc, etc.

The drug store manager says: "Well then, can we set up a registry for you?"

09. Aging:

Because the population is aging, the Gallop Poll will now be called the Walker Poll.

10. Aging:

There are certain signs that you are getting old. The other day I walked past a cemetery and two guys ran after me with shovels.

11. Aging:

The best part of living to 103.. there is no peer pressure.

12. Aging:

Customer: "What do you have for gray hair?"

Barber: "A lot of respect."

13. History:

Jim: "What do you think of a man who goes horseback riding at 3 o'clock in the morning?"

Bill: "I would say that he is very eccentric."

Jim: "So.. poking fun at Paul Revere, are you?"

14. Fish:

A baby sardine sees a submarine and races to his mama sardine.

Mama sardine says: "Don't be scared.. it's just a can of people."

15. Money:

I lent my friend $100 for plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like.

16. Animals:

Man1: "Help! An alligator just bit off my leg!"

Man2: "Which one?"

Man1: "I don't know, alligators all look alike to me."

17. Naughty:

Woman1: "So, how's your sex life?"

Woman2: "Nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

Woman1: "Social Security sex?"

Woman2: "Yeah.. I get a little each month, but not enough to live on."

18. Cheapness:

He's so cheap that when he eats asparagus at a restaurant, he leaves the tip.

19. Office:

I swallowed a rubber band and have been making snap decisions all day.

20. Animals:

An angry dog walks into a bar and says: "I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw!"

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