Hey, Doctor.. How about a Few Jokes to help cure what ails me?

I'm told that a laugh lowers stress hormone levels and blood pressure instantly.  Artery diameter increases 22% during laughter, even when it is faked. Read funny books;  watch funny TV shows and movies; listen and watch comedians; tell jokes... You'll live longer.. and remember, laughter is contagious, so "grin and share it!"

Most of my joke submissions today will be related to the Medical Field, with a kind of naughty and irreverent joke near the end.

Medical School

The professor said to the class of medical students, "Today we are going to discuss the lungs and the heart."
"No!" a student moaned. "Not another organ recital!"

Prognosis

A wife accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.  After the husband's examination, the doctor came out shaking his head and looking worried.
"I don't like the looks of your husband," said the doctor.
The wife replied:  "I don't either, but he's good with the children."

Advice to New Doctors

An experienced doctor addressed a medical school graduation class:

"When you're not working, it's important that you relax.  You can't do that if friends are always coming up and asking you for medical opinions.  When that happens, there is one simple word which will put a stop to it."

"Simply look the person in the eye and say, 'Undress!'"


Stress

Sid Simon sez: "My doctor has a great stress test.  It's called the 'bill.'"

Hospital Costs

Sid Simon sez: "I don't blame hospitals for trying to keep costs down, but I really think a coin-operated bed pan is going a little too far."

Mental Floss

Sid Simon sez: "My wife told the doctor that she was afraid my mind was wandering.  The doctor, who knows me, said: 'Don't worry, it can't go far."

Dental Floss

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?  He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Caffeine Addiction

Patient:  "Doctor, whenever I drink coffee, I get a pain in my eye."
Doctor:  "Well, take the damn spoon out of the cup, dummy!"

Medical Insurance

Doctor:  "Just how long have you been wearing pink panties?"
Patient:  "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment."

Rabbit Test

Moe:  "What do you call an anaesthesized rabbit?"
Joe:    "An ether bunny."

Husband's Medical Condition

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.  After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone and said:  "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress.  If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal he can take to work.
4. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.
5. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.
6. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs.
7. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.
8. Most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife: "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die,"  she replied.

Surgery

Sid Sez: "The definition of minor surgery is: An operation performed on somebody else."

Listen up!

Joe:  "Hey, I got a great new hearing aid!"
Moe: "What kind is it?"
Joe:  "Three o'clock."

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OK, here is the slightly naughty submission for today.

Mom's Affair

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.  One day, her 9-year old son hides in the closet during one of her romps.  Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes it is."
Boy, "I have a baseball."
Man, "That's nice."
Boy, "Want to buy it?"
Man, "No thanks."
Boy, "My dad's outside."
Man, "OK, how much?"
Boy, "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.

Boy, "It's dark in here."
Man, "Yes, it is."
Boy, "I have a baseball glove."
Man, Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy, "$750."
Man, "Fine."

A few days later, the father says  to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove.  Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't.  I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy says, "$1,000"

The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.  That's more than those things cost.  I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go into the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"

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Hope I didn't offend anyone with that one. 
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Ralph Waldo Emerson said:

"To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place... to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived.  This is to have succeeded."
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Some Jokes to Welcome Fall

It's time for my monthly joke Blog entry.  Twelve hilarious jokes, guaranteed to cheer you up or put you to sleep.  You decide.

1.  Bus Driver Religious Joke #1

On our crab feast ride today, the driver, Ken, who works for Rill's Bus Company, told the following joke, in which he included the name of a well-known clergyman in Carroll County Maryland.
...

Sister Margaret was driving through a small town, delivering donated medical equipment to sickly shut-ins, when her car ran out of gas.  Being an independent person, she walked to the Gas Station, about a quarter of a mile away. 

The attendant told her that his only gasoline can was on loan to a customer and there was no container in the shop that could hold gasoline.

Undeterred, Sister Margaret trekked back to her car and uncovered the only thing available that could hold fluid.. a bed pan.   Holding it under her arm, she walked back to the station and got it filled with gasoline. 

As she got back to her car, and was filling the gas tank from the bed pan, Reverend Lou Piel drove by, and stopped to observe. He looked on in astonishment and turned to his wife and said:  "If that car starts after this, I'm converting!"

2.  Bus Driver Religious Joke #2

Ken was now on a roll and followed up with another joke.
...

A young boy was standing in the back of a church looking at a long list of names.  Just then, the Preacher walked by and the boy asked what the list was all about.  The Preacher said:  That is a list of the people who died in the service."

The boy asked: "Was that the 9:30 service or the 11 am service?"

3.  The Genie

Since I'm naming actual people in this blog entry, let me tell a joke that I believe was first told to an audience by Hermine Saunders, another famous Carroll County Maryland personage.
...

A guy was walking along a beach and found a bottle.  As he rubbed the sand off of it with his handkerchief, a Genie appeared.   Since the Genie was only a Genie Third Class, he could only offer the finder one wish.

The man thought very long and hard, and finally came up with a wish.

"Since I hate to fly, but love Hawaii, I want you to build me a bridge across the Pacific, so I can drive there."

The Genie thought very long and hard, and finally said that building a bridge like that would use up tons and tons of resources, require travel plazas, hotels, and restaurants.  He wondered if the man could perhaps come up with a different wish.

So, the man sat down and once again thought very long and hard, and finally came up with a new wish.

"I would like you to make me able to understand women."

The Genie immediately responded:  "Would you like two or four lanes?"

4.  Grouchy Lady Version #1

Roy Chiavacci, Executive Vice President of the place I live, Carroll Lutheran Village, is a masterful joke teller.  I've stolen some of his jokes before to be put into this blog.  This is how he kind of told this joke recently at the Village.
...

A lady had been very grouchy and grumpy lately.  Her husband talked her into having a medical checkup to find out what was wrong. 

At the end of the session, the Doctor and the man's wife came out of the examination room, and the Doctor suddenly grabbed the lady in his arms and gave her a big voluptuous kiss.  He then said: "This is what your wife needs.  And she needs it three times a week."

The husband then said: "Well, I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I'll have to get somebody else to bring her in on Friday."

5.  Grouchy Lady Version #2

My friend, Alan Kaufman, Distinguished Toastmaster and celebrated story-teller throughout the East Coast, tells this version.. which I will try to not screw up too much.
...

Mr. Jones brought his wife in to see the Doctor.  He told the doc that his wife has been very irritable and grouchy lately.. in fact, she has been kvetchy.. 

The Doctor took a look at Mrs. Jones and gave his diagnosis.  He said:  "This case is easy.  Your wife is starved for affection.  She needs some loving.. at least three times a week."

Mr. Jones said: "Well, okay, put me down for Mondays."

6. Who's on?

Someone send me the beginning of an upgraded Abbott and Costello routine:

Abbott:  Computer Store, can I help you?

Costello: I want to buy a computer.

Abbott:  Mac?

Costello:  No, this is Lou.

Abbott:  Do you want Windows?

Costello:  Why, is it stuffy in here?

and more of the same... you can write it yourself.

7.  Picking on Women Drivers?

Wife on phone to husband:  "I've got good news and bad news."

Husband: "Tell me the good news first."

Wife:  "The airbag works."

8.  Marriage?

A couple is lying in bed one night when the woman turns to the man and says: "I'm going to make you the happiest man in the world."

The man responded: "I'm going to miss you."

9.  The Draft

A young man was not happy when he received his draft notice, and decided to give answers to the doctors' questions that would help him fail the physical.

Doctor: "What can you see on that wall over there?"

Young Man:  "What wall?"

Doctor:  "Congratulations!  You just passed the Hearing Test."

10.  The Hand Appears

This comes from a 2006 issue of Weekly World News.
...
A man was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a storm.

Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop.  Without thinking, the man got into the back seat, closed the door, and then realized there was no one behind the  wheel!

The car started slowly and the man panicked as he looked out at the road and saw a curve coming up.,  Scared, he started to pray for his life.

Suddenly, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.  Frozen with fear, the man watched how the hand appeared every time, right before a curve.

Gathering his strength, the passenger finally jumped from the car and ran to the nearest town.  He went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the terrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the man was serious.

About half an hour later, two men walked into the same restaurant.  They looked around for a table when one said to the other, "Hey, look! That's the guy who got in the car when we were pushing it."

11.  Driving

A State policeman saw an older lady drive by.. she was knitting while she drove.

He pulled his vehicle next to her and yelled: "Pull over!"

She yelled back at him with a smile, "No, cardigan."

12. Logic

Little Johnny's Kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station where they saw pictures tacked  to a bulletin board of the ten most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman.  "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked: "Then why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
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That's funny! (I hope)

Happy Birthday, Ivan Gibbs!

I have been quite busy lately, and haven't had time to post my usual "monthly dozen" of jokes.. so I'll try to catch up.  Here are two dozen.. and, as usual, you will have to take the good with the bad. 

01.  Miss Kitty said?

Guy 1:  "Hey.. do you think they have cats in heaven?"

Guy 2:  "Of course.  Where do you think they get strings for their harps?"

02.  Dog lover said?

Guy 1:  "My dog is wonderful.  He cost me $500.  He's part Terrier and part Bull."

Guy 2:  "Which part is Bull?"

Guy 1:  "The part about it costing me $500."

03.  Groucho said?

"I once worked a really cheap theater in the round.  The stage didn't rotate.. every few minutes the audience had to get up and change seats."

04. O. Henry said:

"A story with a moral appended is like the bill of the mosquito.  It bores you and then injects a stinging drop to irritate your conscience."

05.  Phyllis Diller said?

"I once went braless and wore a peek-a-boo blouse.  It was embarrassing.  First they'd peek, then they'd boo."

06.  What if budget cuts affected 911 operators?

"Thank you for calling 911, your emergency number.  Normally, we would ask if you wanted police, fire, or ambulance, but all of our operators are busy helping other callers at the moment.  If you will stay on the line, your call will be answered in turn."

07.  Old Couple.

Did you hear about the couple who got married so late in life that Medicare paid for the honeymoon?

08.  Old Maid.

Did you hear about the old maid who  sent her picture to a "Lonely Hearts Club?"  They returned it with a note saying: "Sorry.. but we're not that lonely!"

09.  The wisdom of age.

The old man's expectant relatives were gathered for the reading of the will after his death.

The lawyer read from the will as follows:

"Being of sound mind.  I spent every last cent before I died."

10.  Religious truisms? (wait for complaints.)

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Catholics do not recognize Luther as the head of their church.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

11.  Classic naughtiness from BBC's Captain Peacock:

On the breast of a barmaid from Vale
Was tatooed all the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was recorded the same thing in Braille.

12.  Hunger.

The newlywed husband came home from work to find his wife in tears.

"Supper is scorched!" she sobbed.

"What happened?"  he asked.  "Did the Burger King burn down?"

13.  Money.

A counterfeiter, new to the business, gave the bartender a nine dollar bill to pay for his two dollar beer.

The bartender glanced at it, tossed it in his cash register. and gave the customer a four dollar bill and a three dollar bill in change.  The counterfeiter smiled, realizing the bartender was on to him.

"At least I beat you out of a beer!" he said as he was about to head for the door.

"What makes you think that was beer?" the bartender asked.

14.  Bible study.

One Sunday, a preacher announced that his next sermon would be on the topic of lying.

"To prepare, I'd like you all to read the 30th chapter of the Book of Matthew," he said.

The next Sunday, he asked those who had done the recommended reading to raise their hands.  All hands went up.

"That's a good introduction to my topic," said the preacher.

"You're all liars.  There is no 30th chapter in the Book of Matthew!"

15.  Cheap guy.

"My father invented the limbo dance.  He was trying to sneak into a pay toilet."

16.  Norm Crosby said:

"Two antennas got married.  The wedding wasn't too spectacular.. but the reception was excellent."

17.  Old Couple.

My wife and I are growing old.  Last week she asked me to make her a banana split.  A half hour later, I brought her bacon and eggs.  She said: "I knew you'd forget the toast."

18.  Old Rocker.

At a senior community, I encountered an elderly lady rocking back and forth like a metronome.  I asked her why.

She said: "So I can tell time."

So I asked her: "What time is it?"

She replied: "6:30."

I said: "But you're wrong, it's 6:45."

She said: "It is?" 

Now rocking faster, she said: "I must be slow."

19. Illness.

Guy 1: "How was your trip?"

Guy 2: "I was sick the whole time because I can't ride backwards on a train."

Guy 1: "Why didn't you switch with the person sitting across from you?"

Guy 2.  "That's a good idea, but nobody was there."

20.  Marriage.

Guy 1: "For 20 years my wife and I were ecstatically happy!"

Guy 2:  "What happened then?"

Guy 1:  "We met.

21.  Marriage.

Guy 1:  "They say your wife is outspoken."

Guy 2:  "By whom?"

22.  Marriage in Minnesota:

I bought my wife a refrigerator during the Winter.  She had a great job breaking ice up into small pieces to put in those little trays.

23.  Holiday wish.

As the Fourth of July holiday approached, I noticed a sad looking young lady pushing a stroller holding two toddlers, while she carried an infant in her arms.  To try to cheer her up, I said: "Happy Fourth!"

She slapped my face.

24.  Marriage.

Young lady:  "Can I marry an octopus?"

Lawyer:  "No, of course not!"

Young lady:  "Then how do I get rid of 8 engagement rings?"

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The Merry Month of May

The sun is trying to come out to warm the dark green grass that has sprouted about four inches in two days.  We are lucky here in Maryland not to have the weather problems that some of the other States are having.. especially Mississippi.  Perhaps some of our friends down there, like Dawn T., might like a few jokes to cheer them up a little.

01.  Here's Johnny!

Johnny Carson used to do a wonderful skit where he became The Great Karnack.  Karnack was able to Question Answers like the following:

Answer:     Beating around the bush.

Question:   Describe a lawn party at the Marquis de Sades' house.
.....
Answer:    A trip  to the moon on gossamer wings.

Question:   Describe the Greenwich Village space program.
.....
Answer:    Cool hand Luke.

Question:   Who do the cows hate to see come into the barn in the AM?
.....

Answer:    A short sprint.

Question:  What do you put on a broken thumb  in Japan?
.....
Answer:   Malibu

Question:  What does a Mali-ghost say?
.....

I know, I know, you had to be there.

02. Religious Issues

Church Bulletin:  "Potluck dinner today, prayer and medication to follow."
.....
Bingo session: 

Q: Why is the priest calling the numbers in Latin?
A:  Because he doesn't want Protestants to win.
.....
A guy enters a cafe.  He spots two beautiful blondes sitting at the bar.
Guy to Girls:  "Hey, are you two sisters?"
Girl to Guy:   "Hell no, we're not even Catholic.
.....
Just wondering:  In Heaven, do all the women wear the exact same halo?
.....

03.  Medicine

Patient to Doctor:  "I think I'll get a second opinion."

Doctor to Patient:  "Fine, come in tomorrow."
.....

04.  Old Bumper Stickers

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE WAY I DRIVE, GET OFF OF THE SIDEWALK!
.....
MY KID CAN BEAT UP YOUR HONOR STUDENT!
.....
ARCHAEOLOGISTS WILL DATE ANY OLD THING.
.....
EAT RIGHT, EXERCISE.  DIE ANYWAY.
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FROGS PARKING ONLY. ALL OTHERS WILL BE TOAD.
.....

05. At the Hospital

A nurse placed a stethoscope on an elderly deaf female patient's chest.
"Big breaths," instructed the nurse.
The patient responded: "Yes, they used to be."
.....

06.  Questions for Junior High School Students

Q:  Why does your sister have such a big belly button?
A:   So she can carry the flag in the Veterans' Day parade.
.....
Q:  Why did the chicken join the band?
A:   Because he had drumsticks.
.....
Q:  Why did the spider move out of the window sill?
A:   He wanted to change websites.
.....
Q:  Why did the Siamese Twins move to England?
A:   So the other one could drive.
.....

07.  Comedians Talk

Steven Wright:  "If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
.....

Art Buchwald said of his 50th Class Reunion: "A lot of old faces, with a lot of new teeth."
.....

Henny Youngman liked to say: "Take my wife...  please!"

Recently, I heard the origin of that phrase.  Henny was backstage with his wife and friend before he was to perform.  He was given the sign to start early, so he didn't have time to escort his wife to the audience.  His friend said that he was leaving to get his seat, so Henny asked him: "Please take my wife."  Since that made his friend smile, Henny decided to change it around a little and see if it worked with the audience.  It did.
.....

08.  Another version, maybe

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender:  "I want something tall and cold, and filled with gin."
The bartender says:  "Take my wife!"
.....

09.  More bartender stuff

A guy goes into a bar and orders a stiff drink and then begins to moan.

The bartender asks: "What's the problem, pal?" 

The guy says: "Until today, I had everything a man could ask for.  Money, a nice place to live, and the love of a beautiful woman."

Bartender:  "What happened?"

Guy: "My wife found out."

10.  Introduction

During a recent retirement dinner, the Toastmaster gave the following intro:

"Today, we honor a man who doesn't know the meaning of "fear".  He doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit", and also doesn't know the meaning of the word "impossible."...So, we all chipped in and bought him a dictionary."

11.  Some alphabetic Animals

A: An alligator went on a train trip and gave his suitcase to a redcap.  He told him: "Be careful, that's my wife."
E: An elephant went into a clothing store and told the clerk: "I'd like to see something new in trunks."
F: A boy flea asked a girl flea to come up to his apartment to see his itchings.
H: A zoo-keeper took his hippo to the vet and said: "I don't know what is wrong with him, he just pecks at his food.  A peck of this; a peck of that."
Z: Rider to train conductor:  "There's a zebra in my upper berth, isn't that amazing?"
Conductor:  "It certainly is.  His ticket calls for a drawing room."

.....

12:  More alphabetic animals.

F: Time flies like the wind,
    Fruit flies like bananas.
D: A duck orders a big meal at a restaurant, and when it is time to pay, he says: "Put it on my bill."
D: A dog played classical music, but his Bach was worse than his bite.
M: Monkeys shoot dice; but it's ok, they only play for peanuts.


Had enough!
......

Some Jokes for the Beginning of 2011

01. Dieting:

Poem:

My soul is dark with raging riot,

Directly traceable to diet.

(anon)

Thoughts:

0-- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

0-- If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

0-- Help keep your kitchen clean. Eat out.

0-- My next house will have no kitchen.. just vending machines.

0-- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

02. Religion and kids: An AARP friend of mine named Clyde Kreitser used to like to tell this story.

A 5 year-old boy went with his parents to church. The preacher's sermon was on SIN and he made sure that everybody knew that if they sinned, they would roast in Hell fire until they were ashes.

The little boy listened intently and then raised his hand and asked the preacher: "I'm in Kindergarten, so, if I am bad and die, will I just become a cinder?"

03. Politics and kids: Clare Mezzanotte told us about this exchange:

Grandma Clare just came back from voting in a Presidential election.

Her 4 year-old grandson asked her: "Did you vote for Bushington?"

04. Mind games:

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First, I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies: "That is very simple. You are just too tents."

05. DIY:

Question: How many men does it take to wallpaper a bedroom?

Answer: Two, if you slice them thin enough.

06. Marriage:

"What's your husband getting for his 50th birthday?" the woman asked her friend.

"Fat and bald, " she replied.

07. Death:

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you are in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Friend 1 said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Friend 2 said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God, who made a big difference in people's lives."

Friend 3 said: "I'd like them to say, 'Hey, look! He's moving!'"

08. Genie:

A guy rubbed a lamp and the emerging genie gave him one wish. So, he thought long and hard, and then said: "I would like to have a chick with long legs!" So the genie gave him an ostrich.

09. Animals:

Judge, my wife keeps a goat in the bedroom and I can't stand the smell any longer.

Why don't you open the window?

What.. and let my chickens out?

10. Religion:

The preacher was greeting his flock after the Sunday service when a young boy stopped and told him: "I want to grow up and get a good job so I can give you and your church lots of money."

"That's very nice," the pastor said. "And what made you decide to be so generous?"

"Today's sermon," replied the boy.

"Oh," the pastor beamed; "What was it about the sermon?"

"Well, when you finished, my dad said you were about the poorest preacher he's ever heard."

11. Money:

The snooty heir told a friend, "I'm going to inherit a newspaper from my rich dad."

"So what?" said the friend. "I buy a new one every day."

12. Feghoot:

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and they were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved away.

"Because," he said: "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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Some Jokes for December 2010

01. Restaurants: A woman called a restaurant to make a 7:00 pm reservation. The hostess said: "I'm sorry, but all we have open is 6:45 pm. Would you like that?"
"That's fine," replied the woman.
"O.K." said the hostess, and added: "By the way, there usually is a 15 minutes wait for a table."


02. Aging: An old lady showed up naked at a flower show and won first place in "Best Dried Arrangement."


03. Restaurants: Two ladies met for lunch in an expensive restaurant. They decided to order coffee and then eat a sandwich they had made at home and brought with them. The manager of the restaurant saw what they were doing and said: "Ladies, you can't eat your own sandwiches here." So they both looked at each other and exchanged sandwiches.


04. Arthritis: A noted arthritis doctor had a waiting room full of patients. One of them was a little old lady, bent almost in half, who shuffled slowly into the doctor's office, leaning heavily on her cane.

Within five minutes, she came back out, walking perfectly erect. Another woman in the waiting room who had seen this, went up to the little old lady and said: "You walked into the doctor's office all bent over, and now you are all right. That doctor must be amazing! What did he do?"

The little old lady replied: "He gave me a longer cane."


05. More Kids' wisdom: These questions and answers came to me from Bonnie Ciborowski:

Q: How do you decide who to marry?

A#1: You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. (from Alan, age 10)

A#2: No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it
all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. (from Kirsten, age 10)


Q: How would you make a marriage work?

A: Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. (from Ricky, age 10)


06. More kid stuff: A small boy was lost in a giant shopping mall. He went up to a policeman and said: "I've lost my grandpa."
The cop asked: "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a couple of seconds and then replied: "Budweiser Beer and women with big butts."


07. Eyesight:

Patient: "Doctor, I think I need glasses."

Teller: "You certainly do! This is a bank.


08. Police: A sample of responses to motorists stopped by the state police:

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"I'm glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someboday who can post your bail."

"Relax. I know the handcuffs are tight. That's because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"You didn't think that we give pretty women tickets?.. You're right, we don't... sign here."


09. Religion.

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

The nun replies: "My son, you cannot offend me."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

The nun replies: "Well, let's see. But first, you have to be single and a Catholic."

The cab driver excitedly says: "Yes, I'm a single Catholic."

The nun says: "OK. Pull over into the next alley."

They kiss like naughty teen-agers.

Back on the road, the cabbie starts to cry.

The nun says: "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me for I've sinned. I lied. I'm really married and I'm a Baptist."

The nun says: "That's OK. My name is Bill, and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."



10. Firemen: Why do fire companies all have dalmations?

Because they use them to find the fire hydrants.



11. More Kid stuff:

Math teacher: "Billie, what are 4 and 8 and 32 and 61?"

Billie: "NBC, CNN, HBO and the Discovery Channel."



12. Religion: A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. He says: "Cold floors!"

Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He says: "Bad food!"


Seven more years pass. Once again they ask for his two words. He says: "I quit!"

"That's fine, " the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

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Post-Election Jokes

Now that the elections are over, comedians across the U.S. will be having fun picking on the newly elected as well as the out-going folks. I won't do that, I will just tell a few old jokes that you probably have heard many times before, and maybe a couple that you haven't heard before.

01. YMCA. A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst out into shrieks, with the ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked: "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

02. Vital question. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

03. Religion. Joke from Bill Engelhardt: A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since leavened bread is forbidden during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzo, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.

A little later, a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"

04. Religion. An Irish priest was driving down to New York and got stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He said: "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," said the priest.
The trooper said, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

05. Computer poem. (attributed to Bill Gates, but I doubt it.)

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online'.

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy', 'Scan', and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!

06. Truisms.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

Dijon vu ... the same mustard as before.

That name Pavlov rings a bell.

When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

07. Religion.

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked: "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 40 years to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. She even changed her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on the way home, she was hit and killed by a truck.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the truck?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

08. Women. Middle age is when you go prematurely blond.

09. Marriage. A woman finally got married at the age of 89. Her friend asked her:
"Is he handsome?" ... "No."
"Is he rich?" ... "No."
"Is he fun?"... "No."
"Then why did you marry him?"... "Because he can drive at night."

10. Money. The owner of a small business was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Maryland, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 15%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

11. Mothers. (Perhaps from Henny Youngman.)

A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son asked: "Why are you so weak?"
She said: "Because I haven't eaten in 40 days."
The son asked: "Why haven't you eaten in 40 days?"
The mother answered: "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

12. More questions.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a man who invests all your money called a broker?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it: FED UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

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Jokes for October 8, 2010

Let's try some more items that I think are humorous. I hope you do too.

01. The Bible. Remarks by some Sunday School kids.. I don't know the source.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

The people who followed the Lord were called the twelve decibels.

Joshua fit the battle of Geritol.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, and a ball of fire at night.

The wives of the apostles are called epistles.

Moses died before he came to Canada.

David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Bible times.

The three wise guys came from the east side.

The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam: Eat this apple!

02. Getting Older: From My Aunt Mary:

An 80 year old woman has 4 boy friends. She rises with Big Ben, takes a walk with Paul Bunyan, comes home with Charlie Hoss, and goes to bed with Ben Gay.

03. Getting Older: My Aunt Mary could have added a couple of other boy friends:

Will Power helps the lady get out of bed and Arthur Ritis visits during the day. And, of course, she gets to visit John quite often.

04. Getting Older:

My preacher says that at my age, I should be thinking about the here-after. I told him I do think about it all the time. No matter where I am, I ask myself: "Now, what am I here after?"

05. Getting Older:

Old folks are rich in precious resources. They have silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their stomach.

06. Religion:

After a very long-winded Sunday church service, the minister approached a parishioner who had left during the sermon and returned later.

"Where did you go?" asked the minister.

"I went to the barber for a haircut," said the man.

"Why didn't you do that before you came to church? asked the minister.

"Well, I didn't need one then," said the man.

07. Religion:

A gentleman that I came to know in the Air Force told this at a bon-fire gathering one night in Germany. It is best told in African-American dialect.

At an outdoor camp meeting the crowd was getting quite excited because of the preacher's oratory. Some of the ladies were even dancing around quite actively. One of the lady, who was rather heavy-set was bouncing up and down. Suddenly, a twenty dollar bill flew out of her bosom and landed on the floor. The preacher took notice of this, but there may have been another brother who may have seen the occurence, so the preacher carried on:

"You have read in the Bible that if you have not seen, but still believe, I will abide with you later; but I also say unto you, if you who have seen, and believe that you have seen, and keep your big mouth shut.. I will divide with you later."

08. Getting Older:

Three old guys went to a doctor's office for a memory test.

Doctor: "What is 2 x 2?

First guy: "198"

Doctor: "What is 2 x 2?"

Second guy: "Thursday."

Doctor: "What is 2 x 2?"

Third guy: "4"

Doctor: "Good! How did you get that answer?"

Third guy: "I subtracted Thursday from 198."

09. Marriage:

A woman calls her husband at work:

Wife: "I've got good news and bad news."

Husband: "Give me the good news first."

Wife: "The airbag works."

10. Kids:

Bernie Handley, a good friend from the Social Security Administration told me this:

Bernie's 4 year old granddaughter likes to play "wedding".
One day, she was playing it with Bernie and she told Bernie:
"Don't peek, I'm going to put on my wedding dress and you be the groom and put on your torpedo!"

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