Christmas Jokes

I haven't posted any jokes for a while, and I thought that now might be a good time to do so.  Now that you all have probably followed the gift buying suggestions in one of my other blogs, you can relax and read a few real real real old Christmas jokes.

Subject: Santa Claus

1.  Enlightenment

"Bobby, did you see Santa this time?"
"No, Auntie, but I heard what he said when he knocked his toe against the bedpost."

2.  Payback

Willy, taken to see Santa Claus, kicked him in the shins, saying: "That's for last year!"

Subject: Ladies and Christmas

1. Wishing

Two elderly unmarried ladies were making their plans for the Christmas season.
"Betty," asked the younger, "do you think that one long, wide stocking would hold all you want for Christmas?"
"Heavens no," replied Betty with a sigh, "but a pair of short socks would."

2.  Swag

(One burgler's wife to another)
"What did your old man give you for Christmas?"
"Nothing.  The cops caught him just as he was bringing it home."

3. Truism

At Christmas time, every woman wants her past forgotten and her present remembered.

4.  Girl talk

First girl: "You mean to say that you're engaged to five guys at the same time?
Second girl: "Yes, and I can hardly wait until after Christmas to straighten things out."

Subject:  Special Gifts

1.  Musical interlude

Nephew:  "That accordian that you gave me for Christmas last year is the best present I ever received."
Aunt:       "I'm glad you liked it."
Nephew: "Yeah, mother gives me a quarter a week not to play it."

2.  Chop Suey

Bill: "How did you like those Chinese back scratchers that I gave you for Christmas?"
Jim:  "Is that what they are?  My wife's been making me eat salad with them."


Subject:  Husband and Wife

1.  Aspirin time

Joe:  "My wife hung my socks up and boy did I have a headache!"
Bill: "How could hanging up socks for Christmas give you a headache?"
Joe:  "Well, she forgot to take me out of them first.

2.  Price check

Customer:  "I came in here to get something for my wife."
Clerk:        "What are you asking for her?"

3.  Concentration

Next Customer: "I want to buy a present for my wife."
Clerk:               "Can I interest you in something in silk stockings?"
Next Customer: "Yes, but let's see about the present first."

4.  Financial matter

Husband:  "Would you be pleased if I gave you a check for Christmas, dear?"
Wife:        "I certainly would!"
Husband:  "Good.  Here it is, already made out to me, ready for you to sign."

5.  Christmas morning

Wife to husband: "You angel! Just what I need to exchange for what I wanted!"

6.  Mother in law gift

Wife to husband:  "Last year for Christmas we sent my mother a chair. What do you think we ought to do this year?"
Husband to wife:  "Electrify it!"

7.  Advice

Don't promise to buy your wife a diamond necklace for Christmas unless you really mean it.  If you do buy it, there'll be only the jeweler to pay;  if you don't buy it, there'll be hell to pay.

Subject:  Church

1.  The music

Mother came into the room and found the children seated on lined-up chairs.
"Whatever are you doing?" she asked. 
"We're playing church," announced one of the boys.
"But you girls on the end shouldn't be whispering in church, " reproved mother.
"Oh, that's all right," replied one of the girls, "we're the choir."

2.  The Sermon

A clergyman was unable to deliver his Christmas sermon and asked an associate to do so.  Later, he asked his wife how the sermon went.
"The worst I've ever heard.  Nothing of interest in it at all," replied his wife.
The clergyman then confronted his associate and asked him how he had done.
"Excellently!" replied the associate.  "I didn't have enough time to prepare my own, so I preached one of your sermons."

3.  The Offering

A wealthy man went to church on Christmas eve.  After the service, he approached the minister with great enthusiasm.

"Reverend," he said, "that was one damned good sermon!"
The minister replied: "I'm glad that you liked it, but it would be nice if you didn't swear when expressing yourself."
"I can't help it," said the man, "but I liked it so much that a put a one hundred dollar bill in the collection plate."
"The hell you say!" gulped the minister.

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I stole a few of these OLD jokes from the following books in my collection:

Braude's Handbook of Humor for All Occasions  by Jacob M. Braude (1958)
5,600 Jokes for All Occasions by Mildred Meier and Jack Knapp (1940)
Esar's Joke Dictionary by Evan Esar (1945)

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Some Jokes to Start

The world needs more laughter, so I am setting up a new blog as a vehicle for passing on jokes, puns and other humorous stuff. I believe that all of material I plan to post is in the public domain; at least, I don't have the faintest idea where most of it came from.. and if I ever find out, I will share that information with you. I've been collecting what I think is humorous material for fifty years and now it is time to share it with y'all, whether you want me to, or not.



01. Christmas:


There will no longer be nativity scenes in Washington, D.C. Nobody is complaining about that because everyone knows that it has now become impossible to find three wise men and a virgin in our nation's capitol. However, there are still plenty of asses available for the stable.


02. Marriage:


Husband: "My wife handles all the smaill decisions and I handle all the big ones."
Friend: "Give me an example."
Husband: "Well, we haven't had any big ones yet."


03. Marriage:


They had a very short marriage, they fought over custody of the wedding cake.


04. Homework:


Teacher: "Wieso kommst du denn schon wieder zu spaet, Jens?"
Jens:: "Ich bin auf dem Schulweg ueberfallen worden!"
Teacher: "Was? Wurde dir etwas geraubt?"
Jens: "Ja, zum Glueck aber nur die Hausaufgaben!"

05. Introductions:

Speaker Joe Vaughan: "You don't need to give me a long introduction."

Toastmaster: "O.K."

Toastmaster: "Our speaker today is Joe Vaughan, and the less said about him the better."

06. Cross:

Q. What do you get if you cross an apeman with a zebra?

A. Tarzan stripes forever.

07. Trickery:

Q. How do you keep a turkey in suspence?

A. I'll tell you tomorrow.

08. Marriage:

A 96 year old man and a 93 year old woman are about to get married. The groom goes into a drug store and tells the manager that because he is getting married, he needs Viagra, heart medicine, vitamin pills, hernia aids, etc, etc.

The drug store manager says: "Well then, can we set up a registry for you?"

09. Aging:

Because the population is aging, the Gallop Poll will now be called the Walker Poll.

10. Aging:

There are certain signs that you are getting old. The other day I walked past a cemetery and two guys ran after me with shovels.

11. Aging:

The best part of living to 103.. there is no peer pressure.

12. Aging:

Customer: "What do you have for gray hair?"

Barber: "A lot of respect."

13. History:

Jim: "What do you think of a man who goes horseback riding at 3 o'clock in the morning?"

Bill: "I would say that he is very eccentric."

Jim: "So.. poking fun at Paul Revere, are you?"

14. Fish:

A baby sardine sees a submarine and races to his mama sardine.

Mama sardine says: "Don't be scared.. it's just a can of people."

15. Money:

I lent my friend $100 for plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like.

16. Animals:

Man1: "Help! An alligator just bit off my leg!"

Man2: "Which one?"

Man1: "I don't know, alligators all look alike to me."

17. Naughty:

Woman1: "So, how's your sex life?"

Woman2: "Nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

Woman1: "Social Security sex?"

Woman2: "Yeah.. I get a little each month, but not enough to live on."

18. Cheapness:

He's so cheap that when he eats asparagus at a restaurant, he leaves the tip.

19. Office:

I swallowed a rubber band and have been making snap decisions all day.

20. Animals:

An angry dog walks into a bar and says: "I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw!"

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