The Merry Month of May

The sun is trying to come out to warm the dark green grass that has sprouted about four inches in two days.  We are lucky here in Maryland not to have the weather problems that some of the other States are having.. especially Mississippi.  Perhaps some of our friends down there, like Dawn T., might like a few jokes to cheer them up a little.

01.  Here's Johnny!

Johnny Carson used to do a wonderful skit where he became The Great Karnack.  Karnack was able to Question Answers like the following:

Answer:     Beating around the bush.

Question:   Describe a lawn party at the Marquis de Sades' house.
.....
Answer:    A trip  to the moon on gossamer wings.

Question:   Describe the Greenwich Village space program.
.....
Answer:    Cool hand Luke.

Question:   Who do the cows hate to see come into the barn in the AM?
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Answer:    A short sprint.

Question:  What do you put on a broken thumb  in Japan?
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Answer:   Malibu

Question:  What does a Mali-ghost say?
.....

I know, I know, you had to be there.

02. Religious Issues

Church Bulletin:  "Potluck dinner today, prayer and medication to follow."
.....
Bingo session: 

Q: Why is the priest calling the numbers in Latin?
A:  Because he doesn't want Protestants to win.
.....
A guy enters a cafe.  He spots two beautiful blondes sitting at the bar.
Guy to Girls:  "Hey, are you two sisters?"
Girl to Guy:   "Hell no, we're not even Catholic.
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Just wondering:  In Heaven, do all the women wear the exact same halo?
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03.  Medicine

Patient to Doctor:  "I think I'll get a second opinion."

Doctor to Patient:  "Fine, come in tomorrow."
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04.  Old Bumper Stickers

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE WAY I DRIVE, GET OFF OF THE SIDEWALK!
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MY KID CAN BEAT UP YOUR HONOR STUDENT!
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ARCHAEOLOGISTS WILL DATE ANY OLD THING.
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EAT RIGHT, EXERCISE.  DIE ANYWAY.
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FROGS PARKING ONLY. ALL OTHERS WILL BE TOAD.
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05. At the Hospital

A nurse placed a stethoscope on an elderly deaf female patient's chest.
"Big breaths," instructed the nurse.
The patient responded: "Yes, they used to be."
.....

06.  Questions for Junior High School Students

Q:  Why does your sister have such a big belly button?
A:   So she can carry the flag in the Veterans' Day parade.
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Q:  Why did the chicken join the band?
A:   Because he had drumsticks.
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Q:  Why did the spider move out of the window sill?
A:   He wanted to change websites.
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Q:  Why did the Siamese Twins move to England?
A:   So the other one could drive.
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07.  Comedians Talk

Steven Wright:  "If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
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Art Buchwald said of his 50th Class Reunion: "A lot of old faces, with a lot of new teeth."
.....

Henny Youngman liked to say: "Take my wife...  please!"

Recently, I heard the origin of that phrase.  Henny was backstage with his wife and friend before he was to perform.  He was given the sign to start early, so he didn't have time to escort his wife to the audience.  His friend said that he was leaving to get his seat, so Henny asked him: "Please take my wife."  Since that made his friend smile, Henny decided to change it around a little and see if it worked with the audience.  It did.
.....

08.  Another version, maybe

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender:  "I want something tall and cold, and filled with gin."
The bartender says:  "Take my wife!"
.....

09.  More bartender stuff

A guy goes into a bar and orders a stiff drink and then begins to moan.

The bartender asks: "What's the problem, pal?" 

The guy says: "Until today, I had everything a man could ask for.  Money, a nice place to live, and the love of a beautiful woman."

Bartender:  "What happened?"

Guy: "My wife found out."

10.  Introduction

During a recent retirement dinner, the Toastmaster gave the following intro:

"Today, we honor a man who doesn't know the meaning of "fear".  He doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit", and also doesn't know the meaning of the word "impossible."...So, we all chipped in and bought him a dictionary."

11.  Some alphabetic Animals

A: An alligator went on a train trip and gave his suitcase to a redcap.  He told him: "Be careful, that's my wife."
E: An elephant went into a clothing store and told the clerk: "I'd like to see something new in trunks."
F: A boy flea asked a girl flea to come up to his apartment to see his itchings.
H: A zoo-keeper took his hippo to the vet and said: "I don't know what is wrong with him, he just pecks at his food.  A peck of this; a peck of that."
Z: Rider to train conductor:  "There's a zebra in my upper berth, isn't that amazing?"
Conductor:  "It certainly is.  His ticket calls for a drawing room."

.....

12:  More alphabetic animals.

F: Time flies like the wind,
    Fruit flies like bananas.
D: A duck orders a big meal at a restaurant, and when it is time to pay, he says: "Put it on my bill."
D: A dog played classical music, but his Bach was worse than his bite.
M: Monkeys shoot dice; but it's ok, they only play for peanuts.


Had enough!
......

A Little Humor

In these days of assassination by words and by bullets, we need something to cheer us up. So, here are a dozen items that I hope will make your day brighter.


01. Telephone. (from Jack Kolb)

A man called the operator from a phone booth and asked for a telephone number. After giving him the number, the operator heard horrible heavy breathing sounds and began to think that the man was having a heart attack and maybe she should connect with 911. She asked the man what was wrong, he said:

"I don't have a pen, so I'm trying to steam up the window to write the number on with my finger."

02. Texting codes. (from Joe Piechocki)

Senior citizens need some codes to use in addition to LOL and BTW. Some suggestions:

FWIW - Forgot where I was
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
IMHO - Is My Hearing-aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL... CGU - Rolling On the Floor Laughing ... and Can't Get Up

03. Cars. (From Jack Kolb)

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called the rush hour?

04. Male and Female.

God said to Adam: "I'm going to make a mate for you. She will clean your house, wash your clothes, cook your meals, and still have time to be your lover."
Adam said: "Lord, that will be great... but what will it cost me?"
God said: "An arm and a leg."
Adam said: " Oh, Lord.. well what could I get for a rib?"

05. Wisdom.

W.C. Fields: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again, and then quit. There's no use in making a fool of yourself."

06. Computers. (from: The Devil's DP Dictionary by Stan Kelly-Bootle)

consultant n. [from con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or possibly French con (vulgar) "a person of little merit" ... A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who has learned to decamp at hight speed in spite of the large briefcase and heavy wallet.... The earliest literary reference appears to be the ninth-century Arabic tale Ali Baba and the Forty Consultants.

Also, a poem from Stan:

"There are three things a man must do
Before his life is done;
Write two lines in APL,
And make the buggers run."

07. Toastmasters.

Either Allan Misch or Allan Kaufman came up with some classic Table-Topics, to test the mettle of new Toastmasters. (Table-Topics are given without warning to persons who are required to discuss each topic intelligently for one to three minutes.)

Topics to Discuss:

What is chocolate soap, and how is it used?

Explain how to substitute barbed wire for dental floss.

If a BLT is bacon, lettuce and ptomaine, what is PBS?

How would you whitewash a creature from the black lagoon?

08. France.

A strict looking customs inspector in Paris asked the American traveler:
"Do you have any pictures of naked women?"
The American replied: "Oh, no sir!"
The inspector then said: "Do you want to buy some?"

09. Kids. (from Stephen Flocks)

My father's hearing aid occasionally emits a brief high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him. One day my little niece was sitting on his lap when the device started to beep. Surprised, my niece looked up at him. "Grandpa," she said, "you've got mail."

10. Kids (source unknown)

There was a little boy who prayed fervently for two weeks, asking God for $100. When he got no answer, he thought maybe he would write to God to see if that would work. When the post office received the letter addressed to "GOD, USA" they thought it would be best to just forward the letter to President Clinton. The President thought it was so cute that he had his secretary send the boy $5, thinking that a little kid would think that was a lot of money.

When the boy got the money, he was so excited that he sat down right away to write a thank-you note to God: "Dear God, Thank you very much for the money you sent. I suppose it's to be expected, but I just thought you should know that when you sent it through Washington, D.C., the bastards deducted $95.

11. TV. (from Milton Berle)

"Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together."

12. Faces.

Bill found a mirror. He looked into it and said: "Wow! I've found a picture of my old puppy." He took it home and put it in his closet for safe keeping. His wife saw him put the mirror away, and when he left, she took it out and when she looked into it, she said: "Aha! So that's the old witch he's been chasing!"

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