Henry Junggman was born in Britain in 1906 and emigrated to America as a child. He became a wise-cracking violin-player in a comedy band. At one gig, the headlining comic didn't show up and Henry was asked to fill in for him. He was a hit!
Henry changed his name to Henny Youngman, tuned up his violin and his wits and went on the road. Eventually, he became known as the most famous "clean" comedian in the United States.
Like most great comedians, he lived a long life.. (laughing a lot does it.) He died at the age of 92. Along the way, he wrote three books: How Do You Like Me So Far?, 400 Traveling Salesmen's Jokes, and Henny Youngman's Bar Bets, Bar Jokes, Bar Tricks (most people probably don't know that he was an amateur magician as well as a musician and a comedian.)
Although he is famous mainly for his one-liners, such as the famous: "Take my wife, please!".. he could also tell some wonderful "stretched out" jokes.. which his buddy Milton Berle said that he stole from other "unknown" comedians. If you would like to reaquaint yourself with some of the great one-liners, you might want to visit:
http://brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/h/henny_youngman.html
Meanwhile, take a look at some of those "stretched out" jokes:
The Digger
A gravedigger, thoroughly absorbed in his work, dug a pit so deep one afternoon that he couldn't climb out when he had finished. Come nightfall and evening's chill, his predicament became more uncomfortable. He shouted for help and at last attracted the attention of a drunk staggering by.
"Get me out of here," the digger pleaded. "I'm cold!"
The inebriated one peered into the open grave and finally spotted the shivering digger in the darkness.
"Well, no wonder you're cold, buddy," said the drunk, kicking some of the loose sod into the hole. "You haven't got any dirt on you."
The Pilot
During a flight from New York to Los Angeles, a passenger who had been gazing out the window suddenly spied two engines on fire. He began shouting at the top of his lungs, "Two engines are on fire! Two engines are on fire!"
In a few short seconds panic and hysteria spread to the rest of the passengers. The pilot, equipped with a parachute, soon appeared in the passenger compartment. "Don't worry," he assured them, "I'm going for help."
The Buddy
A man who looked like a high-powered executive began to drop in at Milton's Bar regularly, and his order was always the same-- two Martinis. After several weeks of this, Milton asked him why he didn't order a double insted.
"It's a sentimental thing," he said. "A very dear friend of mine died a few weeks ago, and before his death he asked that when I drink I have one for him too."
A week later the customer came in and ordered one Martini.
"What about your dead buddy? Why only one Martini today?"
"This is my buddy's drink. I'm on the wagon."
The Daughter
Two mothers talking:
"It's really none of my business, but have you noticed what your daughter is up to?"
"Why no. What is it?"
"She's knitting tiny garments."
"Well, thank goodness. I'm glad to see she's taken an interest in something besides running around with boys."
The Patient
A man said to his psychiatrist, "Doctor, you've got to help me. I'm sure I'm losing my mind. I can't remember anything, not what happened a year ago, or even what happened yesterday. I must be going crazy."
"How long have you had this problem?"
The man looked puzzled. "What problem?"
The Professor
The forgetful professor left his hotel room and discovered he had left his umbrella behind. he went back to get it and found that the room had been rented already. Through the door he heard sounds.
"Whose little baby are you?"
"Your little baby."
"And whose little hands are these?"
"Your little hands."
"And whose little feet are these-- and whose little knees-- and whose little--"
"When you get to an umbrella," said the professor through the door, "it's mine."
The Refrigerator
A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, I want to talk to you about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator."
"That's not so bad," said the doctor. "It's a rather harmless complex."
"Well, maybe," replied the lady, "but he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake."
The Rabbi
A guy says to a Rabbi, "you have such a small congregation. How much do you make a week?"
The Rabbi says, "Six dollars a week."
He says, "How can you live on that?"
"If I wasn't a very religious man, and didn't fast three days a week, I'd starve to death!"
The Laggard
A mother says to her son, "Get out of bed and get to school."
He says, "I don't want to go to school."
She says, "Eight o'clock in the morning, you go to school."
"I don't want to go to school-- the kids don't like me, the janitor doesn't like me, and teachers don't like me."
"You're forty-five years old, and you're the principal. Go to school!"
-------> and last.... a classic:
The Husband
A woman says to her husband, "Suppose you came home one night and found another man making love to me, what would you do?"
He says, "I'd kick his seeing-eye dog!"
......................................................................
My late Uncle Allen loved Henny Youngman's jokes.. he was able to tell hundreds of them. He felt, as I feel, that Mr. Youngman was one of the greatest comedians of the 20th century. May he rest in peace.
.......................................................................................
Enough.. find one of Henny's great books and spend a few hilarious hours reading his famous jokes and one-liners. You'll live longer if you do.
................................................................
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Hey, Doctor.. How about a Few Jokes to help cure what ails me?
I'm told that a laugh lowers stress hormone levels and blood pressure instantly. Artery diameter increases 22% during laughter, even when it is faked. Read funny books; watch funny TV shows and movies; listen and watch comedians; tell jokes... You'll live longer.. and remember, laughter is contagious, so "grin and share it!"
Most of my joke submissions today will be related to the Medical Field, with a kind of naughty and irreverent joke near the end.
Medical School
The professor said to the class of medical students, "Today we are going to discuss the lungs and the heart."
"No!" a student moaned. "Not another organ recital!"
Prognosis
A wife accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the husband's examination, the doctor came out shaking his head and looking worried.
"I don't like the looks of your husband," said the doctor.
The wife replied: "I don't either, but he's good with the children."
Advice to New Doctors
An experienced doctor addressed a medical school graduation class:
"When you're not working, it's important that you relax. You can't do that if friends are always coming up and asking you for medical opinions. When that happens, there is one simple word which will put a stop to it."
"Simply look the person in the eye and say, 'Undress!'"
Stress
Sid Simon sez: "My doctor has a great stress test. It's called the 'bill.'"
Hospital Costs
Sid Simon sez: "I don't blame hospitals for trying to keep costs down, but I really think a coin-operated bed pan is going a little too far."
Mental Floss
Sid Simon sez: "My wife told the doctor that she was afraid my mind was wandering. The doctor, who knows me, said: 'Don't worry, it can't go far."
Dental Floss
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Caffeine Addiction
Patient: "Doctor, whenever I drink coffee, I get a pain in my eye."
Doctor: "Well, take the damn spoon out of the cup, dummy!"
Medical Insurance
Doctor: "Just how long have you been wearing pink panties?"
Patient: "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment."
Rabbit Test
Moe: "What do you call an anaesthesized rabbit?"
Joe: "An ether bunny."
Husband's Medical Condition
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone and said: "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal he can take to work.
4. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.
5. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.
6. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs.
7. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.
8. Most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife: "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
Surgery
Sid Sez: "The definition of minor surgery is: An operation performed on somebody else."
Listen up!
Joe: "Hey, I got a great new hearing aid!"
Moe: "What kind is it?"
Joe: "Three o'clock."
.....................................................
OK, here is the slightly naughty submission for today.
Mom's Affair
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. One day, her 9-year old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes it is."
Boy, "I have a baseball."
Man, "That's nice."
Boy, "Want to buy it?"
Man, "No thanks."
Boy, "My dad's outside."
Man, "OK, how much?"
Boy, "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.
Boy, "It's dark in here."
Man, "Yes, it is."
Boy, "I have a baseball glove."
Man, Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy, "$750."
Man, "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$1,000"
The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's more than those things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go into the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"
.......................................................................................
Hope I didn't offend anyone with that one.
.......................................................................................
Ralph Waldo Emerson said:
"To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place... to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."
....................................................................................
Most of my joke submissions today will be related to the Medical Field, with a kind of naughty and irreverent joke near the end.
Medical School
The professor said to the class of medical students, "Today we are going to discuss the lungs and the heart."
"No!" a student moaned. "Not another organ recital!"
Prognosis
A wife accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the husband's examination, the doctor came out shaking his head and looking worried.
"I don't like the looks of your husband," said the doctor.
The wife replied: "I don't either, but he's good with the children."
Advice to New Doctors
An experienced doctor addressed a medical school graduation class:
"When you're not working, it's important that you relax. You can't do that if friends are always coming up and asking you for medical opinions. When that happens, there is one simple word which will put a stop to it."
"Simply look the person in the eye and say, 'Undress!'"
Stress
Sid Simon sez: "My doctor has a great stress test. It's called the 'bill.'"
Hospital Costs
Sid Simon sez: "I don't blame hospitals for trying to keep costs down, but I really think a coin-operated bed pan is going a little too far."
Mental Floss
Sid Simon sez: "My wife told the doctor that she was afraid my mind was wandering. The doctor, who knows me, said: 'Don't worry, it can't go far."
Dental Floss
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Caffeine Addiction
Patient: "Doctor, whenever I drink coffee, I get a pain in my eye."
Doctor: "Well, take the damn spoon out of the cup, dummy!"
Medical Insurance
Doctor: "Just how long have you been wearing pink panties?"
Patient: "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment."
Rabbit Test
Moe: "What do you call an anaesthesized rabbit?"
Joe: "An ether bunny."
Husband's Medical Condition
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone and said: "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal he can take to work.
4. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.
5. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.
6. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs.
7. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.
8. Most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife: "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
Surgery
Sid Sez: "The definition of minor surgery is: An operation performed on somebody else."
Listen up!
Joe: "Hey, I got a great new hearing aid!"
Moe: "What kind is it?"
Joe: "Three o'clock."
.....................................................
OK, here is the slightly naughty submission for today.
Mom's Affair
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. One day, her 9-year old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes it is."
Boy, "I have a baseball."
Man, "That's nice."
Boy, "Want to buy it?"
Man, "No thanks."
Boy, "My dad's outside."
Man, "OK, how much?"
Boy, "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.
Boy, "It's dark in here."
Man, "Yes, it is."
Boy, "I have a baseball glove."
Man, Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy, "$750."
Man, "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$1,000"
The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's more than those things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go into the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"
.......................................................................................
Hope I didn't offend anyone with that one.
.......................................................................................
Ralph Waldo Emerson said:
"To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place... to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."
....................................................................................
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Christmas Jokes
I haven't posted any jokes for a while, and I thought that now might be a good time to do so. Now that you all have probably followed the gift buying suggestions in one of my other blogs, you can relax and read a few real real real old Christmas jokes.
Subject: Santa Claus
1. Enlightenment
"Bobby, did you see Santa this time?"
"No, Auntie, but I heard what he said when he knocked his toe against the bedpost."
2. Payback
Willy, taken to see Santa Claus, kicked him in the shins, saying: "That's for last year!"
Subject: Ladies and Christmas
1. Wishing
Two elderly unmarried ladies were making their plans for the Christmas season.
"Betty," asked the younger, "do you think that one long, wide stocking would hold all you want for Christmas?"
"Heavens no," replied Betty with a sigh, "but a pair of short socks would."
2. Swag
(One burgler's wife to another)
"What did your old man give you for Christmas?"
"Nothing. The cops caught him just as he was bringing it home."
3. Truism
At Christmas time, every woman wants her past forgotten and her present remembered.
4. Girl talk
First girl: "You mean to say that you're engaged to five guys at the same time?
Second girl: "Yes, and I can hardly wait until after Christmas to straighten things out."
Subject: Special Gifts
1. Musical interlude
Nephew: "That accordian that you gave me for Christmas last year is the best present I ever received."
Aunt: "I'm glad you liked it."
Nephew: "Yeah, mother gives me a quarter a week not to play it."
2. Chop Suey
Bill: "How did you like those Chinese back scratchers that I gave you for Christmas?"
Jim: "Is that what they are? My wife's been making me eat salad with them."
Subject: Husband and Wife
1. Aspirin time
Joe: "My wife hung my socks up and boy did I have a headache!"
Bill: "How could hanging up socks for Christmas give you a headache?"
Joe: "Well, she forgot to take me out of them first.
2. Price check
Customer: "I came in here to get something for my wife."
Clerk: "What are you asking for her?"
3. Concentration
Next Customer: "I want to buy a present for my wife."
Clerk: "Can I interest you in something in silk stockings?"
Next Customer: "Yes, but let's see about the present first."
4. Financial matter
Husband: "Would you be pleased if I gave you a check for Christmas, dear?"
Wife: "I certainly would!"
Husband: "Good. Here it is, already made out to me, ready for you to sign."
5. Christmas morning
Wife to husband: "You angel! Just what I need to exchange for what I wanted!"
6. Mother in law gift
Wife to husband: "Last year for Christmas we sent my mother a chair. What do you think we ought to do this year?"
Husband to wife: "Electrify it!"
7. Advice
Don't promise to buy your wife a diamond necklace for Christmas unless you really mean it. If you do buy it, there'll be only the jeweler to pay; if you don't buy it, there'll be hell to pay.
Subject: Church
1. The music
Mother came into the room and found the children seated on lined-up chairs.
"Whatever are you doing?" she asked.
"We're playing church," announced one of the boys.
"But you girls on the end shouldn't be whispering in church, " reproved mother.
"Oh, that's all right," replied one of the girls, "we're the choir."
2. The Sermon
A clergyman was unable to deliver his Christmas sermon and asked an associate to do so. Later, he asked his wife how the sermon went.
"The worst I've ever heard. Nothing of interest in it at all," replied his wife.
The clergyman then confronted his associate and asked him how he had done.
"Excellently!" replied the associate. "I didn't have enough time to prepare my own, so I preached one of your sermons."
3. The Offering
A wealthy man went to church on Christmas eve. After the service, he approached the minister with great enthusiasm.
"Reverend," he said, "that was one damned good sermon!"
The minister replied: "I'm glad that you liked it, but it would be nice if you didn't swear when expressing yourself."
"I can't help it," said the man, "but I liked it so much that a put a one hundred dollar bill in the collection plate."
"The hell you say!" gulped the minister.
.......................................................................................................
I stole a few of these OLD jokes from the following books in my collection:
Braude's Handbook of Humor for All Occasions by Jacob M. Braude (1958)
5,600 Jokes for All Occasions by Mildred Meier and Jack Knapp (1940)
Esar's Joke Dictionary by Evan Esar (1945)
.......................................................................................................
Subject: Santa Claus
1. Enlightenment
"Bobby, did you see Santa this time?"
"No, Auntie, but I heard what he said when he knocked his toe against the bedpost."
2. Payback
Willy, taken to see Santa Claus, kicked him in the shins, saying: "That's for last year!"
Subject: Ladies and Christmas
1. Wishing
Two elderly unmarried ladies were making their plans for the Christmas season.
"Betty," asked the younger, "do you think that one long, wide stocking would hold all you want for Christmas?"
"Heavens no," replied Betty with a sigh, "but a pair of short socks would."
2. Swag
(One burgler's wife to another)
"What did your old man give you for Christmas?"
"Nothing. The cops caught him just as he was bringing it home."
3. Truism
At Christmas time, every woman wants her past forgotten and her present remembered.
4. Girl talk
First girl: "You mean to say that you're engaged to five guys at the same time?
Second girl: "Yes, and I can hardly wait until after Christmas to straighten things out."
Subject: Special Gifts
1. Musical interlude
Nephew: "That accordian that you gave me for Christmas last year is the best present I ever received."
Aunt: "I'm glad you liked it."
Nephew: "Yeah, mother gives me a quarter a week not to play it."
2. Chop Suey
Bill: "How did you like those Chinese back scratchers that I gave you for Christmas?"
Jim: "Is that what they are? My wife's been making me eat salad with them."
Subject: Husband and Wife
1. Aspirin time
Joe: "My wife hung my socks up and boy did I have a headache!"
Bill: "How could hanging up socks for Christmas give you a headache?"
Joe: "Well, she forgot to take me out of them first.
2. Price check
Customer: "I came in here to get something for my wife."
Clerk: "What are you asking for her?"
3. Concentration
Next Customer: "I want to buy a present for my wife."
Clerk: "Can I interest you in something in silk stockings?"
Next Customer: "Yes, but let's see about the present first."
4. Financial matter
Husband: "Would you be pleased if I gave you a check for Christmas, dear?"
Wife: "I certainly would!"
Husband: "Good. Here it is, already made out to me, ready for you to sign."
5. Christmas morning
Wife to husband: "You angel! Just what I need to exchange for what I wanted!"
6. Mother in law gift
Wife to husband: "Last year for Christmas we sent my mother a chair. What do you think we ought to do this year?"
Husband to wife: "Electrify it!"
7. Advice
Don't promise to buy your wife a diamond necklace for Christmas unless you really mean it. If you do buy it, there'll be only the jeweler to pay; if you don't buy it, there'll be hell to pay.
Subject: Church
1. The music
Mother came into the room and found the children seated on lined-up chairs.
"Whatever are you doing?" she asked.
"We're playing church," announced one of the boys.
"But you girls on the end shouldn't be whispering in church, " reproved mother.
"Oh, that's all right," replied one of the girls, "we're the choir."
2. The Sermon
A clergyman was unable to deliver his Christmas sermon and asked an associate to do so. Later, he asked his wife how the sermon went.
"The worst I've ever heard. Nothing of interest in it at all," replied his wife.
The clergyman then confronted his associate and asked him how he had done.
"Excellently!" replied the associate. "I didn't have enough time to prepare my own, so I preached one of your sermons."
3. The Offering
A wealthy man went to church on Christmas eve. After the service, he approached the minister with great enthusiasm.
"Reverend," he said, "that was one damned good sermon!"
The minister replied: "I'm glad that you liked it, but it would be nice if you didn't swear when expressing yourself."
"I can't help it," said the man, "but I liked it so much that a put a one hundred dollar bill in the collection plate."
"The hell you say!" gulped the minister.
.......................................................................................................
I stole a few of these OLD jokes from the following books in my collection:
Braude's Handbook of Humor for All Occasions by Jacob M. Braude (1958)
5,600 Jokes for All Occasions by Mildred Meier and Jack Knapp (1940)
Esar's Joke Dictionary by Evan Esar (1945)
.......................................................................................................
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Some Jokes to Welcome Fall
It's time for my monthly joke Blog entry. Twelve hilarious jokes, guaranteed to cheer you up or put you to sleep. You decide.
1. Bus Driver Religious Joke #1
On our crab feast ride today, the driver, Ken, who works for Rill's Bus Company, told the following joke, in which he included the name of a well-known clergyman in Carroll County Maryland.
...
Sister Margaret was driving through a small town, delivering donated medical equipment to sickly shut-ins, when her car ran out of gas. Being an independent person, she walked to the Gas Station, about a quarter of a mile away.
The attendant told her that his only gasoline can was on loan to a customer and there was no container in the shop that could hold gasoline.
Undeterred, Sister Margaret trekked back to her car and uncovered the only thing available that could hold fluid.. a bed pan. Holding it under her arm, she walked back to the station and got it filled with gasoline.
As she got back to her car, and was filling the gas tank from the bed pan, Reverend Lou Piel drove by, and stopped to observe. He looked on in astonishment and turned to his wife and said: "If that car starts after this, I'm converting!"
2. Bus Driver Religious Joke #2
Ken was now on a roll and followed up with another joke.
...
A young boy was standing in the back of a church looking at a long list of names. Just then, the Preacher walked by and the boy asked what the list was all about. The Preacher said: That is a list of the people who died in the service."
The boy asked: "Was that the 9:30 service or the 11 am service?"
3. The Genie
Since I'm naming actual people in this blog entry, let me tell a joke that I believe was first told to an audience by Hermine Saunders, another famous Carroll County Maryland personage.
...
A guy was walking along a beach and found a bottle. As he rubbed the sand off of it with his handkerchief, a Genie appeared. Since the Genie was only a Genie Third Class, he could only offer the finder one wish.
The man thought very long and hard, and finally came up with a wish.
"Since I hate to fly, but love Hawaii, I want you to build me a bridge across the Pacific, so I can drive there."
The Genie thought very long and hard, and finally said that building a bridge like that would use up tons and tons of resources, require travel plazas, hotels, and restaurants. He wondered if the man could perhaps come up with a different wish.
So, the man sat down and once again thought very long and hard, and finally came up with a new wish.
"I would like you to make me able to understand women."
The Genie immediately responded: "Would you like two or four lanes?"
4. Grouchy Lady Version #1
Roy Chiavacci, Executive Vice President of the place I live, Carroll Lutheran Village, is a masterful joke teller. I've stolen some of his jokes before to be put into this blog. This is how he kind of told this joke recently at the Village.
...
A lady had been very grouchy and grumpy lately. Her husband talked her into having a medical checkup to find out what was wrong.
At the end of the session, the Doctor and the man's wife came out of the examination room, and the Doctor suddenly grabbed the lady in his arms and gave her a big voluptuous kiss. He then said: "This is what your wife needs. And she needs it three times a week."
The husband then said: "Well, I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I'll have to get somebody else to bring her in on Friday."
5. Grouchy Lady Version #2
My friend, Alan Kaufman, Distinguished Toastmaster and celebrated story-teller throughout the East Coast, tells this version.. which I will try to not screw up too much.
...
Mr. Jones brought his wife in to see the Doctor. He told the doc that his wife has been very irritable and grouchy lately.. in fact, she has been kvetchy..
The Doctor took a look at Mrs. Jones and gave his diagnosis. He said: "This case is easy. Your wife is starved for affection. She needs some loving.. at least three times a week."
Mr. Jones said: "Well, okay, put me down for Mondays."
6. Who's on?
Someone send me the beginning of an upgraded Abbott and Costello routine:
Abbott: Computer Store, can I help you?
Costello: I want to buy a computer.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: No, this is Lou.
Abbott: Do you want Windows?
Costello: Why, is it stuffy in here?
and more of the same... you can write it yourself.
7. Picking on Women Drivers?
Wife on phone to husband: "I've got good news and bad news."
Husband: "Tell me the good news first."
Wife: "The airbag works."
8. Marriage?
A couple is lying in bed one night when the woman turns to the man and says: "I'm going to make you the happiest man in the world."
The man responded: "I'm going to miss you."
9. The Draft
A young man was not happy when he received his draft notice, and decided to give answers to the doctors' questions that would help him fail the physical.
Doctor: "What can you see on that wall over there?"
Young Man: "What wall?"
Doctor: "Congratulations! You just passed the Hearing Test."
10. The Hand Appears
This comes from a 2006 issue of Weekly World News.
...
A man was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a storm.
Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop. Without thinking, the man got into the back seat, closed the door, and then realized there was no one behind the wheel!
The car started slowly and the man panicked as he looked out at the road and saw a curve coming up., Scared, he started to pray for his life.
Suddenly, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. Frozen with fear, the man watched how the hand appeared every time, right before a curve.
Gathering his strength, the passenger finally jumped from the car and ran to the nearest town. He went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the terrible experience he went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the man was serious.
About half an hour later, two men walked into the same restaurant. They looked around for a table when one said to the other, "Hey, look! That's the guy who got in the car when we were pushing it."
11. Driving
A State policeman saw an older lady drive by.. she was knitting while she drove.
He pulled his vehicle next to her and yelled: "Pull over!"
She yelled back at him with a smile, "No, cardigan."
12. Logic
Little Johnny's Kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the ten most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked: "Then why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
..........................................
1. Bus Driver Religious Joke #1
On our crab feast ride today, the driver, Ken, who works for Rill's Bus Company, told the following joke, in which he included the name of a well-known clergyman in Carroll County Maryland.
...
Sister Margaret was driving through a small town, delivering donated medical equipment to sickly shut-ins, when her car ran out of gas. Being an independent person, she walked to the Gas Station, about a quarter of a mile away.
The attendant told her that his only gasoline can was on loan to a customer and there was no container in the shop that could hold gasoline.
Undeterred, Sister Margaret trekked back to her car and uncovered the only thing available that could hold fluid.. a bed pan. Holding it under her arm, she walked back to the station and got it filled with gasoline.
As she got back to her car, and was filling the gas tank from the bed pan, Reverend Lou Piel drove by, and stopped to observe. He looked on in astonishment and turned to his wife and said: "If that car starts after this, I'm converting!"
2. Bus Driver Religious Joke #2
Ken was now on a roll and followed up with another joke.
...
A young boy was standing in the back of a church looking at a long list of names. Just then, the Preacher walked by and the boy asked what the list was all about. The Preacher said: That is a list of the people who died in the service."
The boy asked: "Was that the 9:30 service or the 11 am service?"
3. The Genie
Since I'm naming actual people in this blog entry, let me tell a joke that I believe was first told to an audience by Hermine Saunders, another famous Carroll County Maryland personage.
...
A guy was walking along a beach and found a bottle. As he rubbed the sand off of it with his handkerchief, a Genie appeared. Since the Genie was only a Genie Third Class, he could only offer the finder one wish.
The man thought very long and hard, and finally came up with a wish.
"Since I hate to fly, but love Hawaii, I want you to build me a bridge across the Pacific, so I can drive there."
The Genie thought very long and hard, and finally said that building a bridge like that would use up tons and tons of resources, require travel plazas, hotels, and restaurants. He wondered if the man could perhaps come up with a different wish.
So, the man sat down and once again thought very long and hard, and finally came up with a new wish.
"I would like you to make me able to understand women."
The Genie immediately responded: "Would you like two or four lanes?"
4. Grouchy Lady Version #1
Roy Chiavacci, Executive Vice President of the place I live, Carroll Lutheran Village, is a masterful joke teller. I've stolen some of his jokes before to be put into this blog. This is how he kind of told this joke recently at the Village.
...
A lady had been very grouchy and grumpy lately. Her husband talked her into having a medical checkup to find out what was wrong.
At the end of the session, the Doctor and the man's wife came out of the examination room, and the Doctor suddenly grabbed the lady in his arms and gave her a big voluptuous kiss. He then said: "This is what your wife needs. And she needs it three times a week."
The husband then said: "Well, I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I'll have to get somebody else to bring her in on Friday."
5. Grouchy Lady Version #2
My friend, Alan Kaufman, Distinguished Toastmaster and celebrated story-teller throughout the East Coast, tells this version.. which I will try to not screw up too much.
...
Mr. Jones brought his wife in to see the Doctor. He told the doc that his wife has been very irritable and grouchy lately.. in fact, she has been kvetchy..
The Doctor took a look at Mrs. Jones and gave his diagnosis. He said: "This case is easy. Your wife is starved for affection. She needs some loving.. at least three times a week."
Mr. Jones said: "Well, okay, put me down for Mondays."
6. Who's on?
Someone send me the beginning of an upgraded Abbott and Costello routine:
Abbott: Computer Store, can I help you?
Costello: I want to buy a computer.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: No, this is Lou.
Abbott: Do you want Windows?
Costello: Why, is it stuffy in here?
and more of the same... you can write it yourself.
7. Picking on Women Drivers?
Wife on phone to husband: "I've got good news and bad news."
Husband: "Tell me the good news first."
Wife: "The airbag works."
8. Marriage?
A couple is lying in bed one night when the woman turns to the man and says: "I'm going to make you the happiest man in the world."
The man responded: "I'm going to miss you."
9. The Draft
A young man was not happy when he received his draft notice, and decided to give answers to the doctors' questions that would help him fail the physical.
Doctor: "What can you see on that wall over there?"
Young Man: "What wall?"
Doctor: "Congratulations! You just passed the Hearing Test."
10. The Hand Appears
This comes from a 2006 issue of Weekly World News.
...
A man was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a storm.
Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop. Without thinking, the man got into the back seat, closed the door, and then realized there was no one behind the wheel!
The car started slowly and the man panicked as he looked out at the road and saw a curve coming up., Scared, he started to pray for his life.
Suddenly, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. Frozen with fear, the man watched how the hand appeared every time, right before a curve.
Gathering his strength, the passenger finally jumped from the car and ran to the nearest town. He went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the terrible experience he went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the man was serious.
About half an hour later, two men walked into the same restaurant. They looked around for a table when one said to the other, "Hey, look! That's the guy who got in the car when we were pushing it."
11. Driving
A State policeman saw an older lady drive by.. she was knitting while she drove.
He pulled his vehicle next to her and yelled: "Pull over!"
She yelled back at him with a smile, "No, cardigan."
12. Logic
Little Johnny's Kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the ten most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked: "Then why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
..........................................
Monday, August 29, 2011
Well, at least we can still laugh. Right?
Elaine sez: "In the past couple of years, we have experienced at our home, a blizzard, a tornado, an earthquake and now a hurricane. What's left for us?"
01. Life style
"No, I quit drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you crazy! I haven't played golf in twenty years!"The man said: "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and smell bad."
The man replied: "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."
02. Confession
I was a city boy, but my wife comes from the country. She really likes me. The other day, I asked her why. She said that since she was raised in the country, when she is next to a jackass, she really feels good.
03. Dental hygiene
I broke my teeth last week in the mall, and a guy walking by said: "Hey, I've got a set here you can use." I tried it, but it was too tight. He had another set, I tried it, but it was too loose.He had one more set, and it was just right. I told him: "I sure was lucky that you, a dentist, were nearby."
He said: "I'm not a dentist, I'm a funeral director."
04. Philosophy
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
05. More Philosophy
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.. then it dawned on me.. they are cramming for their finals.
06. Eulogy
A guy who was not well liked in the community died. His wife asked a minister to deliver the eulogy. The minister told the wife, "You can't be serious.. everybody knows what a terrible person your husband was."
But she pleaded with him. "I know that you can find something nice to say about hiim.
The next day, the minister said to the mourners, "Today, we are gathered here to pay our final respects to Jim Jones. He was not a very nice person. He never supported his wife ande family. He drank, gambled, and ran around with other women. But compared to his brother Tom, he was an angel!"
07. Getting older
Joe says: "I feel just like a new-born baby."
"Really? Like a new-born baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
08. Gardening
I planted some bird seed and guess what came up. That's right.. birds.
09. Marriage
A newspaper was interviewing a couple who had been married for 65 years. The reporter asked the wife: "How long would you like to live?" She replied: "100 years."
The reporter then asked the husband: "How long would you like to live?" He replied: "101 years."
The reporter asked the man: "Why do you want to live a year longer than your wife?"
The man replied: "Well.. that way I would get at least one year of peace and quiet."
10. Sweets
A preacher goes into a nursing home to meet with an elderly parishioner.
As he is sitting there he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after another.
By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty.
He says: "Ma'm, I'm sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."
"That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back.'
11. Sports
Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
12. Poem
My face in the mirror isn't wrinkled or drawn..
My house isn't dirty..
The cobwebs are gone..
My garden looks nice, and so does my lawn..
I think I may never put my glasses back on!
...........................
Saturday, July 2, 2011
That's funny! (I hope)
Happy Birthday, Ivan Gibbs!
I have been quite busy lately, and haven't had time to post my usual "monthly dozen" of jokes.. so I'll try to catch up. Here are two dozen.. and, as usual, you will have to take the good with the bad.
01. Miss Kitty said?
Guy 1: "Hey.. do you think they have cats in heaven?"
Guy 2: "Of course. Where do you think they get strings for their harps?"
02. Dog lover said?
Guy 1: "My dog is wonderful. He cost me $500. He's part Terrier and part Bull."
Guy 2: "Which part is Bull?"
Guy 1: "The part about it costing me $500."
03. Groucho said?
"I once worked a really cheap theater in the round. The stage didn't rotate.. every few minutes the audience had to get up and change seats."
04. O. Henry said:
"A story with a moral appended is like the bill of the mosquito. It bores you and then injects a stinging drop to irritate your conscience."
05. Phyllis Diller said?
"I once went braless and wore a peek-a-boo blouse. It was embarrassing. First they'd peek, then they'd boo."
06. What if budget cuts affected 911 operators?
"Thank you for calling 911, your emergency number. Normally, we would ask if you wanted police, fire, or ambulance, but all of our operators are busy helping other callers at the moment. If you will stay on the line, your call will be answered in turn."
07. Old Couple.
Did you hear about the couple who got married so late in life that Medicare paid for the honeymoon?
08. Old Maid.
Did you hear about the old maid who sent her picture to a "Lonely Hearts Club?" They returned it with a note saying: "Sorry.. but we're not that lonely!"
09. The wisdom of age.
The old man's expectant relatives were gathered for the reading of the will after his death.
The lawyer read from the will as follows:
"Being of sound mind. I spent every last cent before I died."
10. Religious truisms? (wait for complaints.)
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Catholics do not recognize Luther as the head of their church.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.
11. Classic naughtiness from BBC's Captain Peacock:
On the breast of a barmaid from Vale
Was tatooed all the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was recorded the same thing in Braille.
12. Hunger.
The newlywed husband came home from work to find his wife in tears.
"Supper is scorched!" she sobbed.
"What happened?" he asked. "Did the Burger King burn down?"
13. Money.
A counterfeiter, new to the business, gave the bartender a nine dollar bill to pay for his two dollar beer.
The bartender glanced at it, tossed it in his cash register. and gave the customer a four dollar bill and a three dollar bill in change. The counterfeiter smiled, realizing the bartender was on to him.
"At least I beat you out of a beer!" he said as he was about to head for the door.
"What makes you think that was beer?" the bartender asked.
14. Bible study.
One Sunday, a preacher announced that his next sermon would be on the topic of lying.
"To prepare, I'd like you all to read the 30th chapter of the Book of Matthew," he said.
The next Sunday, he asked those who had done the recommended reading to raise their hands. All hands went up.
"That's a good introduction to my topic," said the preacher.
"You're all liars. There is no 30th chapter in the Book of Matthew!"
15. Cheap guy.
"My father invented the limbo dance. He was trying to sneak into a pay toilet."
16. Norm Crosby said:
"Two antennas got married. The wedding wasn't too spectacular.. but the reception was excellent."
17. Old Couple.
My wife and I are growing old. Last week she asked me to make her a banana split. A half hour later, I brought her bacon and eggs. She said: "I knew you'd forget the toast."
18. Old Rocker.
At a senior community, I encountered an elderly lady rocking back and forth like a metronome. I asked her why.
She said: "So I can tell time."
So I asked her: "What time is it?"
She replied: "6:30."
I said: "But you're wrong, it's 6:45."
She said: "It is?"
Now rocking faster, she said: "I must be slow."
19. Illness.
Guy 1: "How was your trip?"
Guy 2: "I was sick the whole time because I can't ride backwards on a train."
Guy 1: "Why didn't you switch with the person sitting across from you?"
Guy 2. "That's a good idea, but nobody was there."
20. Marriage.
Guy 1: "For 20 years my wife and I were ecstatically happy!"
Guy 2: "What happened then?"
Guy 1: "We met.
21. Marriage.
Guy 1: "They say your wife is outspoken."
Guy 2: "By whom?"
22. Marriage in Minnesota:
I bought my wife a refrigerator during the Winter. She had a great job breaking ice up into small pieces to put in those little trays.
23. Holiday wish.
As the Fourth of July holiday approached, I noticed a sad looking young lady pushing a stroller holding two toddlers, while she carried an infant in her arms. To try to cheer her up, I said: "Happy Fourth!"
She slapped my face.
24. Marriage.
Young lady: "Can I marry an octopus?"
Lawyer: "No, of course not!"
Young lady: "Then how do I get rid of 8 engagement rings?"
..........................................................................................
![]()
I have been quite busy lately, and haven't had time to post my usual "monthly dozen" of jokes.. so I'll try to catch up. Here are two dozen.. and, as usual, you will have to take the good with the bad.
01. Miss Kitty said?
Guy 1: "Hey.. do you think they have cats in heaven?"
Guy 2: "Of course. Where do you think they get strings for their harps?"
02. Dog lover said?
Guy 1: "My dog is wonderful. He cost me $500. He's part Terrier and part Bull."
Guy 2: "Which part is Bull?"
Guy 1: "The part about it costing me $500."
03. Groucho said?
"I once worked a really cheap theater in the round. The stage didn't rotate.. every few minutes the audience had to get up and change seats."
04. O. Henry said:
"A story with a moral appended is like the bill of the mosquito. It bores you and then injects a stinging drop to irritate your conscience."
05. Phyllis Diller said?
"I once went braless and wore a peek-a-boo blouse. It was embarrassing. First they'd peek, then they'd boo."
06. What if budget cuts affected 911 operators?
"Thank you for calling 911, your emergency number. Normally, we would ask if you wanted police, fire, or ambulance, but all of our operators are busy helping other callers at the moment. If you will stay on the line, your call will be answered in turn."
07. Old Couple.
Did you hear about the couple who got married so late in life that Medicare paid for the honeymoon?
08. Old Maid.
Did you hear about the old maid who sent her picture to a "Lonely Hearts Club?" They returned it with a note saying: "Sorry.. but we're not that lonely!"
09. The wisdom of age.
The old man's expectant relatives were gathered for the reading of the will after his death.
The lawyer read from the will as follows:
"Being of sound mind. I spent every last cent before I died."
10. Religious truisms? (wait for complaints.)
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Catholics do not recognize Luther as the head of their church.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.
11. Classic naughtiness from BBC's Captain Peacock:
On the breast of a barmaid from Vale
Was tatooed all the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was recorded the same thing in Braille.
12. Hunger.
The newlywed husband came home from work to find his wife in tears.
"Supper is scorched!" she sobbed.
"What happened?" he asked. "Did the Burger King burn down?"
13. Money.
A counterfeiter, new to the business, gave the bartender a nine dollar bill to pay for his two dollar beer.
The bartender glanced at it, tossed it in his cash register. and gave the customer a four dollar bill and a three dollar bill in change. The counterfeiter smiled, realizing the bartender was on to him.
"At least I beat you out of a beer!" he said as he was about to head for the door.
"What makes you think that was beer?" the bartender asked.
14. Bible study.
One Sunday, a preacher announced that his next sermon would be on the topic of lying.
"To prepare, I'd like you all to read the 30th chapter of the Book of Matthew," he said.
The next Sunday, he asked those who had done the recommended reading to raise their hands. All hands went up.
"That's a good introduction to my topic," said the preacher.
"You're all liars. There is no 30th chapter in the Book of Matthew!"
15. Cheap guy.
"My father invented the limbo dance. He was trying to sneak into a pay toilet."
16. Norm Crosby said:
"Two antennas got married. The wedding wasn't too spectacular.. but the reception was excellent."
17. Old Couple.
My wife and I are growing old. Last week she asked me to make her a banana split. A half hour later, I brought her bacon and eggs. She said: "I knew you'd forget the toast."
18. Old Rocker.
At a senior community, I encountered an elderly lady rocking back and forth like a metronome. I asked her why.
She said: "So I can tell time."
So I asked her: "What time is it?"
She replied: "6:30."
I said: "But you're wrong, it's 6:45."
She said: "It is?"
Now rocking faster, she said: "I must be slow."
19. Illness.
Guy 1: "How was your trip?"
Guy 2: "I was sick the whole time because I can't ride backwards on a train."
Guy 1: "Why didn't you switch with the person sitting across from you?"
Guy 2. "That's a good idea, but nobody was there."
20. Marriage.
Guy 1: "For 20 years my wife and I were ecstatically happy!"
Guy 2: "What happened then?"
Guy 1: "We met.
21. Marriage.
Guy 1: "They say your wife is outspoken."
Guy 2: "By whom?"
22. Marriage in Minnesota:
I bought my wife a refrigerator during the Winter. She had a great job breaking ice up into small pieces to put in those little trays.
23. Holiday wish.
As the Fourth of July holiday approached, I noticed a sad looking young lady pushing a stroller holding two toddlers, while she carried an infant in her arms. To try to cheer her up, I said: "Happy Fourth!"
She slapped my face.
24. Marriage.
Young lady: "Can I marry an octopus?"
Lawyer: "No, of course not!"
Young lady: "Then how do I get rid of 8 engagement rings?"
..........................................................................................
Sunday, May 15, 2011
The Merry Month of May
The sun is trying to come out to warm the dark green grass that has sprouted about four inches in two days. We are lucky here in Maryland not to have the weather problems that some of the other States are having.. especially Mississippi. Perhaps some of our friends down there, like Dawn T., might like a few jokes to cheer them up a little.
01. Here's Johnny!
Johnny Carson used to do a wonderful skit where he became The Great Karnack. Karnack was able to Question Answers like the following:
Answer: Beating around the bush.
Question: Describe a lawn party at the Marquis de Sades' house.
.....
Answer: A trip to the moon on gossamer wings.
Question: Describe the Greenwich Village space program.
.....
Answer: Cool hand Luke.
Question: Who do the cows hate to see come into the barn in the AM?
.....
Answer: A short sprint.
Question: What do you put on a broken thumb in Japan?
.....
Answer: Malibu
Question: What does a Mali-ghost say?
.....
I know, I know, you had to be there.
02. Religious Issues
Church Bulletin: "Potluck dinner today, prayer and medication to follow."
.....
Bingo session:
Q: Why is the priest calling the numbers in Latin?
A: Because he doesn't want Protestants to win.
.....
A guy enters a cafe. He spots two beautiful blondes sitting at the bar.
Guy to Girls: "Hey, are you two sisters?"
Girl to Guy: "Hell no, we're not even Catholic.
.....
Just wondering: In Heaven, do all the women wear the exact same halo?
.....
03. Medicine
Patient to Doctor: "I think I'll get a second opinion."
Doctor to Patient: "Fine, come in tomorrow."
.....
04. Old Bumper Stickers
IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE WAY I DRIVE, GET OFF OF THE SIDEWALK!
.....
MY KID CAN BEAT UP YOUR HONOR STUDENT!
.....
ARCHAEOLOGISTS WILL DATE ANY OLD THING.
.....
EAT RIGHT, EXERCISE. DIE ANYWAY.
.....
FROGS PARKING ONLY. ALL OTHERS WILL BE TOAD.
.....
05. At the Hospital
A nurse placed a stethoscope on an elderly deaf female patient's chest.
"Big breaths," instructed the nurse.
The patient responded: "Yes, they used to be."
.....
06. Questions for Junior High School Students
Q: Why does your sister have such a big belly button?
A: So she can carry the flag in the Veterans' Day parade.
.....
Q: Why did the chicken join the band?
A: Because he had drumsticks.
.....
Q: Why did the spider move out of the window sill?
A: He wanted to change websites.
.....
Q: Why did the Siamese Twins move to England?
A: So the other one could drive.
.....
07. Comedians Talk
Steven Wright: "If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
.....
Art Buchwald said of his 50th Class Reunion: "A lot of old faces, with a lot of new teeth."
.....
Henny Youngman liked to say: "Take my wife... please!"
Recently, I heard the origin of that phrase. Henny was backstage with his wife and friend before he was to perform. He was given the sign to start early, so he didn't have time to escort his wife to the audience. His friend said that he was leaving to get his seat, so Henny asked him: "Please take my wife." Since that made his friend smile, Henny decided to change it around a little and see if it worked with the audience. It did.
.....
08. Another version, maybe
A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender: "I want something tall and cold, and filled with gin."
The bartender says: "Take my wife!"
.....
09. More bartender stuff
A guy goes into a bar and orders a stiff drink and then begins to moan.
The bartender asks: "What's the problem, pal?"
The guy says: "Until today, I had everything a man could ask for. Money, a nice place to live, and the love of a beautiful woman."
Bartender: "What happened?"
Guy: "My wife found out."
10. Introduction
During a recent retirement dinner, the Toastmaster gave the following intro:
"Today, we honor a man who doesn't know the meaning of "fear". He doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit", and also doesn't know the meaning of the word "impossible."...So, we all chipped in and bought him a dictionary."
11. Some alphabetic Animals
A: An alligator went on a train trip and gave his suitcase to a redcap. He told him: "Be careful, that's my wife."
E: An elephant went into a clothing store and told the clerk: "I'd like to see something new in trunks."
F: A boy flea asked a girl flea to come up to his apartment to see his itchings.
H: A zoo-keeper took his hippo to the vet and said: "I don't know what is wrong with him, he just pecks at his food. A peck of this; a peck of that."
Z: Rider to train conductor: "There's a zebra in my upper berth, isn't that amazing?"
Conductor: "It certainly is. His ticket calls for a drawing room."
.....
12: More alphabetic animals.
F: Time flies like the wind,
Fruit flies like bananas.
D: A duck orders a big meal at a restaurant, and when it is time to pay, he says: "Put it on my bill."
D: A dog played classical music, but his Bach was worse than his bite.
M: Monkeys shoot dice; but it's ok, they only play for peanuts.
Had enough!
......
01. Here's Johnny!
Johnny Carson used to do a wonderful skit where he became The Great Karnack. Karnack was able to Question Answers like the following:
Answer: Beating around the bush.
Question: Describe a lawn party at the Marquis de Sades' house.
.....
Answer: A trip to the moon on gossamer wings.
Question: Describe the Greenwich Village space program.
.....
Answer: Cool hand Luke.
Question: Who do the cows hate to see come into the barn in the AM?
.....
Answer: A short sprint.
Question: What do you put on a broken thumb in Japan?
.....
Answer: Malibu
Question: What does a Mali-ghost say?
.....
I know, I know, you had to be there.
02. Religious Issues
Church Bulletin: "Potluck dinner today, prayer and medication to follow."
.....
Bingo session:
Q: Why is the priest calling the numbers in Latin?
A: Because he doesn't want Protestants to win.
.....
A guy enters a cafe. He spots two beautiful blondes sitting at the bar.
Guy to Girls: "Hey, are you two sisters?"
Girl to Guy: "Hell no, we're not even Catholic.
.....
Just wondering: In Heaven, do all the women wear the exact same halo?
.....
03. Medicine
Patient to Doctor: "I think I'll get a second opinion."
Doctor to Patient: "Fine, come in tomorrow."
.....
04. Old Bumper Stickers
IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE WAY I DRIVE, GET OFF OF THE SIDEWALK!
.....
MY KID CAN BEAT UP YOUR HONOR STUDENT!
.....
ARCHAEOLOGISTS WILL DATE ANY OLD THING.
.....
EAT RIGHT, EXERCISE. DIE ANYWAY.
.....
FROGS PARKING ONLY. ALL OTHERS WILL BE TOAD.
.....
05. At the Hospital
A nurse placed a stethoscope on an elderly deaf female patient's chest.
"Big breaths," instructed the nurse.
The patient responded: "Yes, they used to be."
.....
06. Questions for Junior High School Students
Q: Why does your sister have such a big belly button?
A: So she can carry the flag in the Veterans' Day parade.
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Q: Why did the chicken join the band?
A: Because he had drumsticks.
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Q: Why did the spider move out of the window sill?
A: He wanted to change websites.
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Q: Why did the Siamese Twins move to England?
A: So the other one could drive.
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07. Comedians Talk
Steven Wright: "If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
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Art Buchwald said of his 50th Class Reunion: "A lot of old faces, with a lot of new teeth."
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Henny Youngman liked to say: "Take my wife... please!"
Recently, I heard the origin of that phrase. Henny was backstage with his wife and friend before he was to perform. He was given the sign to start early, so he didn't have time to escort his wife to the audience. His friend said that he was leaving to get his seat, so Henny asked him: "Please take my wife." Since that made his friend smile, Henny decided to change it around a little and see if it worked with the audience. It did.
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08. Another version, maybe
A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender: "I want something tall and cold, and filled with gin."
The bartender says: "Take my wife!"
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09. More bartender stuff
A guy goes into a bar and orders a stiff drink and then begins to moan.
The bartender asks: "What's the problem, pal?"
The guy says: "Until today, I had everything a man could ask for. Money, a nice place to live, and the love of a beautiful woman."
Bartender: "What happened?"
Guy: "My wife found out."
10. Introduction
During a recent retirement dinner, the Toastmaster gave the following intro:
"Today, we honor a man who doesn't know the meaning of "fear". He doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit", and also doesn't know the meaning of the word "impossible."...So, we all chipped in and bought him a dictionary."
11. Some alphabetic Animals
A: An alligator went on a train trip and gave his suitcase to a redcap. He told him: "Be careful, that's my wife."
E: An elephant went into a clothing store and told the clerk: "I'd like to see something new in trunks."
F: A boy flea asked a girl flea to come up to his apartment to see his itchings.
H: A zoo-keeper took his hippo to the vet and said: "I don't know what is wrong with him, he just pecks at his food. A peck of this; a peck of that."
Z: Rider to train conductor: "There's a zebra in my upper berth, isn't that amazing?"
Conductor: "It certainly is. His ticket calls for a drawing room."
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12: More alphabetic animals.
F: Time flies like the wind,
Fruit flies like bananas.
D: A duck orders a big meal at a restaurant, and when it is time to pay, he says: "Put it on my bill."
D: A dog played classical music, but his Bach was worse than his bite.
M: Monkeys shoot dice; but it's ok, they only play for peanuts.
Had enough!
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