Jokes of a Certain Age

As I try to get organized, I often come across jokes that I have forgotten. This batch comes from the early 2000's, so be kind.. they are pretty old.

01. Sign.

We saw this mysterious sign in the window of a restaurant in Cambridge, Maryland.

STEAMED CRABS - Applications accepted.

02. Poverty.

I was so poor as a kid, I couldn't afford a kite. I had to tie a string to a seagull instead.

03. Widower.

When I was a new widower, I tried to use the waffle iron. I ruined 2 pairs of pants.

...................
I know, I know.. I'm starting out real slow.
..................

04. Diet.

Well, now I've been on a diet for 4 weeks and I've lost 28 days.

05. Duck.

A duck goes into a fast food restaurant and asks: "Got any duck food?"

The clerk says: "No."

The duck goes out and comes back in and says: "Got any duck food?"

The clerk says: "I told you .. No! Go away!"

The duck goes out and comes back in and says: "Got any duck food?"

The exasperated clerk says: "Look.. I don't have any duck food. Go away or I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!"

The duck goes out and comes back in and says: "Got any nails?"

The clerk yells: "NO!"

The duck says: "Good! Got any duck food?"

06. Automobiles.


"Can you name four cars that start with 'P'?"


"No.. cars start with gasoline."


07. Nosey.


A guy was walking by a mental institution surrounded by a high fence and he heard someone saying: "13, 13, 13, 13." He was very curious and spotted a knothole in the fence. He put his eye up to it, and then he heard: "14, 14, 14, 14."


08. Dog.



A man was sitting next to a gallon of gas that he had in a bucket. Suddenly, a dog came up and drank some of the gasoline, and then began to run around and around and around.. and finally fell over on the ground. A passer-by asked: "Is he dead?"

The man replied: "No, he just ran out of gas."


09. Study.


A recent study by the University of Maryland found that women laugh much more than men.

And do you know what they laugh about? MEN.


10. Slightly naughty.



"Why is that blind man's leg yellow?"

"Because his dog is blind too."



11. A little naughtier.



A lady of the night approached a senior citizen passing by. "Hey, would you like super sex?"

The old man replied: "I'll take the soup."

12. Toastmasters.


Sylvia Wicker was evaluating the speech of a fellow toastmaster. At one point of her critique she said: "You had so many 'um's that I thought that I was taking Morse Code."


13. Skydiving.

Q: Why are there no blind skydivers?

A: Because it scares the devil out of the dog.


14. Playboy.


Before Hugh Hefner settled down with his current girl friend, I sent him a Christmas present: A set of His and Hers and Hers and Hers towels.


15. Grocery.

Once I thought that Grey Poupon was unscented toilet paper.


16. Politics.


Politicians are like babies.. they need to be changed often and for the same reason.


17. Politics.


The word politics comes from:



poly = many

tics = blood suckers



18. Prayer.



A boy said his prayers one night.. "God bless Grandma".. and the next day she died.



The next night the boy said: "God bless Grandpa" .. and the next day he died.



The next night the boy said: "God bless Daddy".. so Daddy got scared and stayed at work to avoid problems and came home the next day to find his wife all upset. He said: "Why?"

She replied: "I needed you, the milkman dropped dead on our doorstep."


19. Doctor.


Worried patient: "Doctor, tell me, how long do I have to live?"

Doctor: "Ten."

Patient: "Ten what?"

Doctor: "Ten, nine, eight...."


20. Widower.

As a new widower, I asked the grocer to sell me some "scratch."

He didn't know what I was asking for.

So, I told him.. my late wife always made everything "from scratch", so I need to get me some of that.

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Thanks for staying with me to the end.
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A Little Humor

In these days of assassination by words and by bullets, we need something to cheer us up. So, here are a dozen items that I hope will make your day brighter.


01. Telephone. (from Jack Kolb)

A man called the operator from a phone booth and asked for a telephone number. After giving him the number, the operator heard horrible heavy breathing sounds and began to think that the man was having a heart attack and maybe she should connect with 911. She asked the man what was wrong, he said:

"I don't have a pen, so I'm trying to steam up the window to write the number on with my finger."

02. Texting codes. (from Joe Piechocki)

Senior citizens need some codes to use in addition to LOL and BTW. Some suggestions:

FWIW - Forgot where I was
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
IMHO - Is My Hearing-aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL... CGU - Rolling On the Floor Laughing ... and Can't Get Up

03. Cars. (From Jack Kolb)

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called the rush hour?

04. Male and Female.

God said to Adam: "I'm going to make a mate for you. She will clean your house, wash your clothes, cook your meals, and still have time to be your lover."
Adam said: "Lord, that will be great... but what will it cost me?"
God said: "An arm and a leg."
Adam said: " Oh, Lord.. well what could I get for a rib?"

05. Wisdom.

W.C. Fields: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again, and then quit. There's no use in making a fool of yourself."

06. Computers. (from: The Devil's DP Dictionary by Stan Kelly-Bootle)

consultant n. [from con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or possibly French con (vulgar) "a person of little merit" ... A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who has learned to decamp at hight speed in spite of the large briefcase and heavy wallet.... The earliest literary reference appears to be the ninth-century Arabic tale Ali Baba and the Forty Consultants.

Also, a poem from Stan:

"There are three things a man must do
Before his life is done;
Write two lines in APL,
And make the buggers run."

07. Toastmasters.

Either Allan Misch or Allan Kaufman came up with some classic Table-Topics, to test the mettle of new Toastmasters. (Table-Topics are given without warning to persons who are required to discuss each topic intelligently for one to three minutes.)

Topics to Discuss:

What is chocolate soap, and how is it used?

Explain how to substitute barbed wire for dental floss.

If a BLT is bacon, lettuce and ptomaine, what is PBS?

How would you whitewash a creature from the black lagoon?

08. France.

A strict looking customs inspector in Paris asked the American traveler:
"Do you have any pictures of naked women?"
The American replied: "Oh, no sir!"
The inspector then said: "Do you want to buy some?"

09. Kids. (from Stephen Flocks)

My father's hearing aid occasionally emits a brief high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him. One day my little niece was sitting on his lap when the device started to beep. Surprised, my niece looked up at him. "Grandpa," she said, "you've got mail."

10. Kids (source unknown)

There was a little boy who prayed fervently for two weeks, asking God for $100. When he got no answer, he thought maybe he would write to God to see if that would work. When the post office received the letter addressed to "GOD, USA" they thought it would be best to just forward the letter to President Clinton. The President thought it was so cute that he had his secretary send the boy $5, thinking that a little kid would think that was a lot of money.

When the boy got the money, he was so excited that he sat down right away to write a thank-you note to God: "Dear God, Thank you very much for the money you sent. I suppose it's to be expected, but I just thought you should know that when you sent it through Washington, D.C., the bastards deducted $95.

11. TV. (from Milton Berle)

"Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together."

12. Faces.

Bill found a mirror. He looked into it and said: "Wow! I've found a picture of my old puppy." He took it home and put it in his closet for safe keeping. His wife saw him put the mirror away, and when he left, she took it out and when she looked into it, she said: "Aha! So that's the old witch he's been chasing!"

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Some Jokes for the Beginning of 2011

01. Dieting:

Poem:

My soul is dark with raging riot,

Directly traceable to diet.

(anon)

Thoughts:

0-- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

0-- If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

0-- Help keep your kitchen clean. Eat out.

0-- My next house will have no kitchen.. just vending machines.

0-- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

02. Religion and kids: An AARP friend of mine named Clyde Kreitser used to like to tell this story.

A 5 year-old boy went with his parents to church. The preacher's sermon was on SIN and he made sure that everybody knew that if they sinned, they would roast in Hell fire until they were ashes.

The little boy listened intently and then raised his hand and asked the preacher: "I'm in Kindergarten, so, if I am bad and die, will I just become a cinder?"

03. Politics and kids: Clare Mezzanotte told us about this exchange:

Grandma Clare just came back from voting in a Presidential election.

Her 4 year-old grandson asked her: "Did you vote for Bushington?"

04. Mind games:

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First, I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies: "That is very simple. You are just too tents."

05. DIY:

Question: How many men does it take to wallpaper a bedroom?

Answer: Two, if you slice them thin enough.

06. Marriage:

"What's your husband getting for his 50th birthday?" the woman asked her friend.

"Fat and bald, " she replied.

07. Death:

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you are in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Friend 1 said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Friend 2 said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God, who made a big difference in people's lives."

Friend 3 said: "I'd like them to say, 'Hey, look! He's moving!'"

08. Genie:

A guy rubbed a lamp and the emerging genie gave him one wish. So, he thought long and hard, and then said: "I would like to have a chick with long legs!" So the genie gave him an ostrich.

09. Animals:

Judge, my wife keeps a goat in the bedroom and I can't stand the smell any longer.

Why don't you open the window?

What.. and let my chickens out?

10. Religion:

The preacher was greeting his flock after the Sunday service when a young boy stopped and told him: "I want to grow up and get a good job so I can give you and your church lots of money."

"That's very nice," the pastor said. "And what made you decide to be so generous?"

"Today's sermon," replied the boy.

"Oh," the pastor beamed; "What was it about the sermon?"

"Well, when you finished, my dad said you were about the poorest preacher he's ever heard."

11. Money:

The snooty heir told a friend, "I'm going to inherit a newspaper from my rich dad."

"So what?" said the friend. "I buy a new one every day."

12. Feghoot:

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and they were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved away.

"Because," he said: "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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More December 2010 Jokes

If you are feeling a little blue this season, try a few of these jokes and see if they pick you up a bit. Some are from a guy named Paul Seipp, who does music and comical patter, Steve Allen, Louise Miller, and one is from Pastor Jimmy (Carroll Lutheran Village) ... guess which one..

01. Aging.

1st guy: "I have a new hearing aid."
2nd guy: "What kind is it?"
1st guy: "Three O'clock."

02. Marriage.

If my wife sees anything "marked down", she buys it. Last week, she came home with 8 dresses and one escalator.

03. Marriage.

My wife had plastic surgery last week. I cut up her credit cards.

04. Ten Commandments.

A preacher addressed his congregation: "Yesterday, I had my bicycle stolen and today I decided to talk about the Ten Commandments, especially the one that says: Thou shalt not steal."

Part of the way into his sermon, at the commandment that states: Thou shalt not commit adultery, he suddenly stopped, and left the pulpit, saying as he went: "I just remembered where I left my bicycle."

05. The Bible.

A seller of Bibles was the top salesman for months. Other less successful sellers wanted to know his secret, since he was a very bad stutterer. He told them: "I j-j-just ask people: do you want to b-b-buy a B-B-Bible, or d-d-do you want me to read it to you?"

06. Logic.

A professor, trying to emphasize a point in logic, asked his class: "If the U.S. is bounded on the north by Canada, on the west by the Pacific Ocean, on the east by the Atlantic Ocean, and on the south by Mexico, how old am I?"

Everybody was stumped except for the class dumbbell who said: "You are 44 years old."

The amazed professor said: "That's right! How did you figure that out?"

The student said: "That's easy. I have a brother who is 1/2 as nuts as you and he's 22."

07. More Logic.

A teacher asked Jim: "How much is ten times eight?"

Jim: "Monday."

Teacher: "That's silly. Billy, how much is ten times eight?"

Billy: "Watermelon."

Teacher: "That's silly too. Joey, how much is ten times eight?"

Joey: "Eighty."

Teacher: "That's right, Joey. Now tell the class how you got that answer."

Joey: "Well, I subtracted Monday from Watermelon."

08. Marriage:

A 92 year old gentleman brought his 18 year old girlfriend to the church to be married.

The priest said: "The baptismal font is on the other side of the church."

Old man: "What do I want with the font?"

Priest: "Oh, I beg your pardon, I thought you had brought this child to be baptised."

09. Even more logic.

A teacher told her class: "You all saw the worm swimming happily in the glass of water. But when I put the worm in a glass of alcohol, it died. What does that prove?"

Student: If you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."

10. Marriage.

Question: Why do men die before women?

Answer: Self-defence.

11. Recipe file.

Question: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Answer: You can roast beef, but you cannot pee soup.

12. Military.

Question: When you were in the Army, did you get a commission?

Answer: No.. just straight pay.

Bonus!

Aging logic.

An elderly couple visited a doctor and complained about their sex life. The doctor examined them and gave them some advice and told them to go into an adjoining little room and try it out. They came back after a long time and told the doctor that it worked fine, and left.

A month later, the couple returned with the same complaint. The doctor repeated the procedure and had them go into the little room. Once again, the couple reported satisfaction and started to leave. The doctor stopped them and said that perhaps the strange surrondings were stimulating and that maybe next time they should try a motel room instead.

The elderly lady replied that they had been doing that before, but the motel room cost $50, whereas his fee was $100, and they got back $90 from Medicare.

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Some Jokes for December 2010

01. Restaurants: A woman called a restaurant to make a 7:00 pm reservation. The hostess said: "I'm sorry, but all we have open is 6:45 pm. Would you like that?"
"That's fine," replied the woman.
"O.K." said the hostess, and added: "By the way, there usually is a 15 minutes wait for a table."


02. Aging: An old lady showed up naked at a flower show and won first place in "Best Dried Arrangement."


03. Restaurants: Two ladies met for lunch in an expensive restaurant. They decided to order coffee and then eat a sandwich they had made at home and brought with them. The manager of the restaurant saw what they were doing and said: "Ladies, you can't eat your own sandwiches here." So they both looked at each other and exchanged sandwiches.


04. Arthritis: A noted arthritis doctor had a waiting room full of patients. One of them was a little old lady, bent almost in half, who shuffled slowly into the doctor's office, leaning heavily on her cane.

Within five minutes, she came back out, walking perfectly erect. Another woman in the waiting room who had seen this, went up to the little old lady and said: "You walked into the doctor's office all bent over, and now you are all right. That doctor must be amazing! What did he do?"

The little old lady replied: "He gave me a longer cane."


05. More Kids' wisdom: These questions and answers came to me from Bonnie Ciborowski:

Q: How do you decide who to marry?

A#1: You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. (from Alan, age 10)

A#2: No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it
all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. (from Kirsten, age 10)


Q: How would you make a marriage work?

A: Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. (from Ricky, age 10)


06. More kid stuff: A small boy was lost in a giant shopping mall. He went up to a policeman and said: "I've lost my grandpa."
The cop asked: "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a couple of seconds and then replied: "Budweiser Beer and women with big butts."


07. Eyesight:

Patient: "Doctor, I think I need glasses."

Teller: "You certainly do! This is a bank.


08. Police: A sample of responses to motorists stopped by the state police:

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"I'm glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someboday who can post your bail."

"Relax. I know the handcuffs are tight. That's because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"You didn't think that we give pretty women tickets?.. You're right, we don't... sign here."


09. Religion.

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

The nun replies: "My son, you cannot offend me."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

The nun replies: "Well, let's see. But first, you have to be single and a Catholic."

The cab driver excitedly says: "Yes, I'm a single Catholic."

The nun says: "OK. Pull over into the next alley."

They kiss like naughty teen-agers.

Back on the road, the cabbie starts to cry.

The nun says: "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me for I've sinned. I lied. I'm really married and I'm a Baptist."

The nun says: "That's OK. My name is Bill, and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."



10. Firemen: Why do fire companies all have dalmations?

Because they use them to find the fire hydrants.



11. More Kid stuff:

Math teacher: "Billie, what are 4 and 8 and 32 and 61?"

Billie: "NBC, CNN, HBO and the Discovery Channel."



12. Religion: A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. He says: "Cold floors!"

Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He says: "Bad food!"


Seven more years pass. Once again they ask for his two words. He says: "I quit!"

"That's fine, " the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

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Post-Election Jokes

Now that the elections are over, comedians across the U.S. will be having fun picking on the newly elected as well as the out-going folks. I won't do that, I will just tell a few old jokes that you probably have heard many times before, and maybe a couple that you haven't heard before.

01. YMCA. A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst out into shrieks, with the ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked: "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

02. Vital question. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

03. Religion. Joke from Bill Engelhardt: A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since leavened bread is forbidden during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzo, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.

A little later, a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.

The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"

04. Religion. An Irish priest was driving down to New York and got stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He said: "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," said the priest.
The trooper said, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

05. Computer poem. (attributed to Bill Gates, but I doubt it.)

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online'.

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy', 'Scan', and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!

06. Truisms.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

Dijon vu ... the same mustard as before.

That name Pavlov rings a bell.

When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

07. Religion.

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked: "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 40 years to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. She even changed her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on the way home, she was hit and killed by a truck.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the truck?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

08. Women. Middle age is when you go prematurely blond.

09. Marriage. A woman finally got married at the age of 89. Her friend asked her:
"Is he handsome?" ... "No."
"Is he rich?" ... "No."
"Is he fun?"... "No."
"Then why did you marry him?"... "Because he can drive at night."

10. Money. The owner of a small business was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Maryland, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 15%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

11. Mothers. (Perhaps from Henny Youngman.)

A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son asked: "Why are you so weak?"
She said: "Because I haven't eaten in 40 days."
The son asked: "Why haven't you eaten in 40 days?"
The mother answered: "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

12. More questions.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a man who invests all your money called a broker?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it: FED UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

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How about a little less negativity?

Most of you, like me, are probably completely fed up with the excessively negative political ads this year. Why don't you take a few minutes to read some jokes and perhaps have a laugh to counter those depressing ads, at least for a while.

01. Finances. A lady went to a bank drive-through teller and asked to have a check cashed. The teller asked her if she had an account there. She said "No", so the teller asked to see her license. So she put the car in gear andd drove forwards and backwards.

02. Military. General Von Steuben addressed his soldiers at Valley Forge. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are all going to have a change of underwear. The bad news is that Bill will change with Joe, Joe with Jim, and, etc."

03. Landscaping. The only time my lawn looks as good as my neighbor's is when there is a snow storm. (from the BBC's My Word.)

04. Driving: A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove over the curb, and stopped inches away from a plate glass window.

Finally, the shaking cab driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylight out of me." The passenger apologized but said that he wouldn't have thought that a mere tap on the shoulder would scare him so much.

The driver replied, "Oh, no, its all my fault. Today is my first day driving a taxi. I've been driving a hearse for the past 20 years."

(stolen from the Westminster Senior Center Chatterbox)

05. Debt. The President of a South American country died and had a very large funeral, at which a letter from the Presiden't was read. In it, he accused his three Vice Presidents of cheating him out of some of the government's funds that were to be used for his personal use.

The first VP got up and said he was sorry for what he had done and said that he would put 50% of the ill-gotten money into the coffin, to be buried with the President, and he placed the cash in the coffin. The second VP felt even worse and put 2/3rds of the cash he had pilfered into the coffin. The third VP said that he felt even more sorry than the others and would put 100% of his debt into the coffin. So, the third VP wrote a check for the full amount and put it into the coffin.

06. Aging: Bonnie Ciborowski sent this to me some time ago.

"Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you are barefoot.

"Old" is when going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"Old" is when you get cautioned to slow down by the doctor, instead of by the policeman.

"Old" is when "Getty Lucky" means you are able to find your car in the parking lot.

07. Bible. More bible quotes from children:

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was, by profession a taxi driver.

08. Life. Poem:

I get up in the morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead,
So, I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

09. Letha's jokes.

My wonderful secretary, Letha Alston, passed away in 2006. I noted a memorial about her in the Baltimore Sun the other day, and it reminded me of some truisms that she told me.

"The easiest way to stay awake during an afternoon dinner speech, is to deliver it."

"Middle age is when your narrow waist and broad mind begin to change places."

"You know you've reached middle age when weight lifting consists of just standing up."

How true!

As I've said elsewhere, Letha sent me a birthday card one day that read: "You remind me of Chinese food... Egg Foo Old!"

10. Marriage.

There are three rings that are important in a husband's life:

1. Engagement ring.
2. Wedding ring.
3. Suffering.

11. Truisms. Thoughts for delivery at an AARP meeting:

Good friends are hard to come by. When you need them, they hardly come by.

Happy wife, happy life.

Just think, if you're having a senior moment.. you are still alive!

As Liz Taylor said to her 8th husband: "I won't keep you long."

She went to Penn State, and her husband went to the State Pen.

What is so significant about your "other?"

12. Kids.

A woman was trying hard to get ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang and her four year old daughter answered it. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother and then said to the minister: "Mommy can't come to the phone right now, she's hitting the bottle."


Bye for now and have a funny day!
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