01. Dieting:
Poem:
My soul is dark with raging riot,
Directly traceable to diet.
(anon)
Thoughts:
0-- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
0-- If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
0-- Help keep your kitchen clean. Eat out.
0-- My next house will have no kitchen.. just vending machines.
0-- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
02. Religion and kids: An AARP friend of mine named Clyde Kreitser used to like to tell this story.
A 5 year-old boy went with his parents to church. The preacher's sermon was on SIN and he made sure that everybody knew that if they sinned, they would roast in Hell fire until they were ashes.
The little boy listened intently and then raised his hand and asked the preacher: "I'm in Kindergarten, so, if I am bad and die, will I just become a cinder?"
03. Politics and kids: Clare Mezzanotte told us about this exchange:
Grandma Clare just came back from voting in a Presidential election.
Her 4 year-old grandson asked her: "Did you vote for Bushington?"
04. Mind games:
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First, I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies: "That is very simple. You are just too tents."
05. DIY:
Question: How many men does it take to wallpaper a bedroom?
Answer: Two, if you slice them thin enough.
06. Marriage:
"What's your husband getting for his 50th birthday?" the woman asked her friend.
"Fat and bald, " she replied.
07. Death:
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you are in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Friend 1 said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Friend 2 said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God, who made a big difference in people's lives."
Friend 3 said: "I'd like them to say, 'Hey, look! He's moving!'"
08. Genie:
A guy rubbed a lamp and the emerging genie gave him one wish. So, he thought long and hard, and then said: "I would like to have a chick with long legs!" So the genie gave him an ostrich.
09. Animals:
Judge, my wife keeps a goat in the bedroom and I can't stand the smell any longer.
Why don't you open the window?
What.. and let my chickens out?
10. Religion:
The preacher was greeting his flock after the Sunday service when a young boy stopped and told him: "I want to grow up and get a good job so I can give you and your church lots of money."
"That's very nice," the pastor said. "And what made you decide to be so generous?"
"Today's sermon," replied the boy.
"Oh," the pastor beamed; "What was it about the sermon?"
"Well, when you finished, my dad said you were about the poorest preacher he's ever heard."
11. Money:
The snooty heir told a friend, "I'm going to inherit a newspaper from my rich dad."
"So what?" said the friend. "I buy a new one every day."
12. Feghoot:
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and they were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved away.
"Because," he said: "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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