As I try to get organized, I often come across jokes that I have forgotten. This batch comes from the early 2000's, so be kind.. they are pretty old.
01. Sign.
We saw this mysterious sign in the window of a restaurant in Cambridge, Maryland.
STEAMED CRABS - Applications accepted.
02. Poverty.
I was so poor as a kid, I couldn't afford a kite. I had to tie a string to a seagull instead.
03. Widower.
When I was a new widower, I tried to use the waffle iron. I ruined 2 pairs of pants.
...................
I know, I know.. I'm starting out real slow.
..................
04. Diet.
Well, now I've been on a diet for 4 weeks and I've lost 28 days.
05. Duck.
A duck goes into a fast food restaurant and asks: "Got any duck food?"
The clerk says: "No."
The duck goes out and comes back in and says: "Got any duck food?"
The clerk says: "I told you .. No! Go away!"
The duck goes out and comes back in and says: "Got any duck food?"
The exasperated clerk says: "Look.. I don't have any duck food. Go away or I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!"
The duck goes out and comes back in and says: "Got any nails?"
The clerk yells: "NO!"
The duck says: "Good! Got any duck food?"
06. Automobiles.
"Can you name four cars that start with 'P'?"
"No.. cars start with gasoline."
07. Nosey.
A guy was walking by a mental institution surrounded by a high fence and he heard someone saying: "13, 13, 13, 13." He was very curious and spotted a knothole in the fence. He put his eye up to it, and then he heard: "14, 14, 14, 14."
08. Dog.
A man was sitting next to a gallon of gas that he had in a bucket. Suddenly, a dog came up and drank some of the gasoline, and then began to run around and around and around.. and finally fell over on the ground. A passer-by asked: "Is he dead?"
The man replied: "No, he just ran out of gas."
09. Study.
A recent study by the University of Maryland found that women laugh much more than men.
And do you know what they laugh about? MEN.
10. Slightly naughty.
"Why is that blind man's leg yellow?"
"Because his dog is blind too."
11. A little naughtier.
A lady of the night approached a senior citizen passing by. "Hey, would you like super sex?"
The old man replied: "I'll take the soup."
12. Toastmasters.
Sylvia Wicker was evaluating the speech of a fellow toastmaster. At one point of her critique she said: "You had so many 'um's that I thought that I was taking Morse Code."
13. Skydiving.
Q: Why are there no blind skydivers?
A: Because it scares the devil out of the dog.
14. Playboy.
Before Hugh Hefner settled down with his current girl friend, I sent him a Christmas present: A set of His and Hers and Hers and Hers towels.
15. Grocery.
Once I thought that Grey Poupon was unscented toilet paper.
16. Politics.
Politicians are like babies.. they need to be changed often and for the same reason.
17. Politics.
The word politics comes from:
poly = many
tics = blood suckers
18. Prayer.
A boy said his prayers one night.. "God bless Grandma".. and the next day she died.
The next night the boy said: "God bless Grandpa" .. and the next day he died.
The next night the boy said: "God bless Daddy".. so Daddy got scared and stayed at work to avoid problems and came home the next day to find his wife all upset. He said: "Why?"
She replied: "I needed you, the milkman dropped dead on our doorstep."
19. Doctor.
Worried patient: "Doctor, tell me, how long do I have to live?"
Doctor: "Ten."
Patient: "Ten what?"
Doctor: "Ten, nine, eight...."
20. Widower.
As a new widower, I asked the grocer to sell me some "scratch."
He didn't know what I was asking for.
So, I told him.. my late wife always made everything "from scratch", so I need to get me some of that.
.....................................................................................
Thanks for staying with me to the end.
....................................................................................
No comments:
Post a Comment