01. Restaurants: A woman called a restaurant to make a 7:00 pm reservation. The hostess said: "I'm sorry, but all we have open is 6:45 pm. Would you like that?"
"That's fine," replied the woman.
"O.K." said the hostess, and added: "By the way, there usually is a 15 minutes wait for a table."
02. Aging: An old lady showed up naked at a flower show and won first place in "Best Dried Arrangement."
03. Restaurants: Two ladies met for lunch in an expensive restaurant. They decided to order coffee and then eat a sandwich they had made at home and brought with them. The manager of the restaurant saw what they were doing and said: "Ladies, you can't eat your own sandwiches here." So they both looked at each other and exchanged sandwiches.
04. Arthritis: A noted arthritis doctor had a waiting room full of patients. One of them was a little old lady, bent almost in half, who shuffled slowly into the doctor's office, leaning heavily on her cane.
Within five minutes, she came back out, walking perfectly erect. Another woman in the waiting room who had seen this, went up to the little old lady and said: "You walked into the doctor's office all bent over, and now you are all right. That doctor must be amazing! What did he do?"
The little old lady replied: "He gave me a longer cane."
05. More Kids' wisdom: These questions and answers came to me from Bonnie Ciborowski:
Q: How do you decide who to marry?
A#1: You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. (from Alan, age 10)
A#2: No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it
all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. (from Kirsten, age 10)
Q: How would you make a marriage work?
A: Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. (from Ricky, age 10)
06. More kid stuff: A small boy was lost in a giant shopping mall. He went up to a policeman and said: "I've lost my grandpa."
The cop asked: "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a couple of seconds and then replied: "Budweiser Beer and women with big butts."
07. Eyesight:
Patient: "Doctor, I think I need glasses."
Teller: "You certainly do! This is a bank.
08. Police: A sample of responses to motorists stopped by the state police:
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"I'm glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someboday who can post your bail."
"Relax. I know the handcuffs are tight. That's because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"You didn't think that we give pretty women tickets?.. You're right, we don't... sign here."
09. Religion.
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
The nun replies: "My son, you cannot offend me."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
The nun replies: "Well, let's see. But first, you have to be single and a Catholic."
The cab driver excitedly says: "Yes, I'm a single Catholic."
The nun says: "OK. Pull over into the next alley."
They kiss like naughty teen-agers.
Back on the road, the cabbie starts to cry.
The nun says: "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me for I've sinned. I lied. I'm really married and I'm a Baptist."
The nun says: "That's OK. My name is Bill, and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."
10. Firemen: Why do fire companies all have dalmations?
Because they use them to find the fire hydrants.
11. More Kid stuff:
Math teacher: "Billie, what are 4 and 8 and 32 and 61?"
Billie: "NBC, CNN, HBO and the Discovery Channel."
12. Religion: A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. He says: "Cold floors!"
Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He says: "Bad food!"
Seven more years pass. Once again they ask for his two words. He says: "I quit!"
"That's fine, " the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
................................................
No comments:
Post a Comment