More December 2010 Jokes

If you are feeling a little blue this season, try a few of these jokes and see if they pick you up a bit. Some are from a guy named Paul Seipp, who does music and comical patter, Steve Allen, Louise Miller, and one is from Pastor Jimmy (Carroll Lutheran Village) ... guess which one..

01. Aging.

1st guy: "I have a new hearing aid."
2nd guy: "What kind is it?"
1st guy: "Three O'clock."

02. Marriage.

If my wife sees anything "marked down", she buys it. Last week, she came home with 8 dresses and one escalator.

03. Marriage.

My wife had plastic surgery last week. I cut up her credit cards.

04. Ten Commandments.

A preacher addressed his congregation: "Yesterday, I had my bicycle stolen and today I decided to talk about the Ten Commandments, especially the one that says: Thou shalt not steal."

Part of the way into his sermon, at the commandment that states: Thou shalt not commit adultery, he suddenly stopped, and left the pulpit, saying as he went: "I just remembered where I left my bicycle."

05. The Bible.

A seller of Bibles was the top salesman for months. Other less successful sellers wanted to know his secret, since he was a very bad stutterer. He told them: "I j-j-just ask people: do you want to b-b-buy a B-B-Bible, or d-d-do you want me to read it to you?"

06. Logic.

A professor, trying to emphasize a point in logic, asked his class: "If the U.S. is bounded on the north by Canada, on the west by the Pacific Ocean, on the east by the Atlantic Ocean, and on the south by Mexico, how old am I?"

Everybody was stumped except for the class dumbbell who said: "You are 44 years old."

The amazed professor said: "That's right! How did you figure that out?"

The student said: "That's easy. I have a brother who is 1/2 as nuts as you and he's 22."

07. More Logic.

A teacher asked Jim: "How much is ten times eight?"

Jim: "Monday."

Teacher: "That's silly. Billy, how much is ten times eight?"

Billy: "Watermelon."

Teacher: "That's silly too. Joey, how much is ten times eight?"

Joey: "Eighty."

Teacher: "That's right, Joey. Now tell the class how you got that answer."

Joey: "Well, I subtracted Monday from Watermelon."

08. Marriage:

A 92 year old gentleman brought his 18 year old girlfriend to the church to be married.

The priest said: "The baptismal font is on the other side of the church."

Old man: "What do I want with the font?"

Priest: "Oh, I beg your pardon, I thought you had brought this child to be baptised."

09. Even more logic.

A teacher told her class: "You all saw the worm swimming happily in the glass of water. But when I put the worm in a glass of alcohol, it died. What does that prove?"

Student: If you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."

10. Marriage.

Question: Why do men die before women?

Answer: Self-defence.

11. Recipe file.

Question: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Answer: You can roast beef, but you cannot pee soup.

12. Military.

Question: When you were in the Army, did you get a commission?

Answer: No.. just straight pay.

Bonus!

Aging logic.

An elderly couple visited a doctor and complained about their sex life. The doctor examined them and gave them some advice and told them to go into an adjoining little room and try it out. They came back after a long time and told the doctor that it worked fine, and left.

A month later, the couple returned with the same complaint. The doctor repeated the procedure and had them go into the little room. Once again, the couple reported satisfaction and started to leave. The doctor stopped them and said that perhaps the strange surrondings were stimulating and that maybe next time they should try a motel room instead.

The elderly lady replied that they had been doing that before, but the motel room cost $50, whereas his fee was $100, and they got back $90 from Medicare.

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