Henry Junggman was born in Britain in 1906 and emigrated to America as a child. He became a wise-cracking violin-player in a comedy band. At one gig, the headlining comic didn't show up and Henry was asked to fill in for him. He was a hit!
Henry changed his name to Henny Youngman, tuned up his violin and his wits and went on the road. Eventually, he became known as the most famous "clean" comedian in the United States.
Like most great comedians, he lived a long life.. (laughing a lot does it.) He died at the age of 92. Along the way, he wrote three books: How Do You Like Me So Far?, 400 Traveling Salesmen's Jokes, and Henny Youngman's Bar Bets, Bar Jokes, Bar Tricks (most people probably don't know that he was an amateur magician as well as a musician and a comedian.)
Although he is famous mainly for his one-liners, such as the famous: "Take my wife, please!".. he could also tell some wonderful "stretched out" jokes.. which his buddy Milton Berle said that he stole from other "unknown" comedians. If you would like to reaquaint yourself with some of the great one-liners, you might want to visit:
http://brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/h/henny_youngman.html
Meanwhile, take a look at some of those "stretched out" jokes:
The Digger
A gravedigger, thoroughly absorbed in his work, dug a pit so deep one afternoon that he couldn't climb out when he had finished. Come nightfall and evening's chill, his predicament became more uncomfortable. He shouted for help and at last attracted the attention of a drunk staggering by.
"Get me out of here," the digger pleaded. "I'm cold!"
The inebriated one peered into the open grave and finally spotted the shivering digger in the darkness.
"Well, no wonder you're cold, buddy," said the drunk, kicking some of the loose sod into the hole. "You haven't got any dirt on you."
The Pilot
During a flight from New York to Los Angeles, a passenger who had been gazing out the window suddenly spied two engines on fire. He began shouting at the top of his lungs, "Two engines are on fire! Two engines are on fire!"
In a few short seconds panic and hysteria spread to the rest of the passengers. The pilot, equipped with a parachute, soon appeared in the passenger compartment. "Don't worry," he assured them, "I'm going for help."
The Buddy
A man who looked like a high-powered executive began to drop in at Milton's Bar regularly, and his order was always the same-- two Martinis. After several weeks of this, Milton asked him why he didn't order a double insted.
"It's a sentimental thing," he said. "A very dear friend of mine died a few weeks ago, and before his death he asked that when I drink I have one for him too."
A week later the customer came in and ordered one Martini.
"What about your dead buddy? Why only one Martini today?"
"This is my buddy's drink. I'm on the wagon."
The Daughter
Two mothers talking:
"It's really none of my business, but have you noticed what your daughter is up to?"
"Why no. What is it?"
"She's knitting tiny garments."
"Well, thank goodness. I'm glad to see she's taken an interest in something besides running around with boys."
The Patient
A man said to his psychiatrist, "Doctor, you've got to help me. I'm sure I'm losing my mind. I can't remember anything, not what happened a year ago, or even what happened yesterday. I must be going crazy."
"How long have you had this problem?"
The man looked puzzled. "What problem?"
The Professor
The forgetful professor left his hotel room and discovered he had left his umbrella behind. he went back to get it and found that the room had been rented already. Through the door he heard sounds.
"Whose little baby are you?"
"Your little baby."
"And whose little hands are these?"
"Your little hands."
"And whose little feet are these-- and whose little knees-- and whose little--"
"When you get to an umbrella," said the professor through the door, "it's mine."
The Refrigerator
A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, I want to talk to you about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator."
"That's not so bad," said the doctor. "It's a rather harmless complex."
"Well, maybe," replied the lady, "but he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake."
The Rabbi
A guy says to a Rabbi, "you have such a small congregation. How much do you make a week?"
The Rabbi says, "Six dollars a week."
He says, "How can you live on that?"
"If I wasn't a very religious man, and didn't fast three days a week, I'd starve to death!"
The Laggard
A mother says to her son, "Get out of bed and get to school."
He says, "I don't want to go to school."
She says, "Eight o'clock in the morning, you go to school."
"I don't want to go to school-- the kids don't like me, the janitor doesn't like me, and teachers don't like me."
"You're forty-five years old, and you're the principal. Go to school!"
-------> and last.... a classic:
The Husband
A woman says to her husband, "Suppose you came home one night and found another man making love to me, what would you do?"
He says, "I'd kick his seeing-eye dog!"
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My late Uncle Allen loved Henny Youngman's jokes.. he was able to tell hundreds of them. He felt, as I feel, that Mr. Youngman was one of the greatest comedians of the 20th century. May he rest in peace.
.......................................................................................
Enough.. find one of Henny's great books and spend a few hilarious hours reading his famous jokes and one-liners. You'll live longer if you do.
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Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Hey, Doctor.. How about a Few Jokes to help cure what ails me?
I'm told that a laugh lowers stress hormone levels and blood pressure instantly. Artery diameter increases 22% during laughter, even when it is faked. Read funny books; watch funny TV shows and movies; listen and watch comedians; tell jokes... You'll live longer.. and remember, laughter is contagious, so "grin and share it!"
Most of my joke submissions today will be related to the Medical Field, with a kind of naughty and irreverent joke near the end.
Medical School
The professor said to the class of medical students, "Today we are going to discuss the lungs and the heart."
"No!" a student moaned. "Not another organ recital!"
Prognosis
A wife accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the husband's examination, the doctor came out shaking his head and looking worried.
"I don't like the looks of your husband," said the doctor.
The wife replied: "I don't either, but he's good with the children."
Advice to New Doctors
An experienced doctor addressed a medical school graduation class:
"When you're not working, it's important that you relax. You can't do that if friends are always coming up and asking you for medical opinions. When that happens, there is one simple word which will put a stop to it."
"Simply look the person in the eye and say, 'Undress!'"
Stress
Sid Simon sez: "My doctor has a great stress test. It's called the 'bill.'"
Hospital Costs
Sid Simon sez: "I don't blame hospitals for trying to keep costs down, but I really think a coin-operated bed pan is going a little too far."
Mental Floss
Sid Simon sez: "My wife told the doctor that she was afraid my mind was wandering. The doctor, who knows me, said: 'Don't worry, it can't go far."
Dental Floss
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Caffeine Addiction
Patient: "Doctor, whenever I drink coffee, I get a pain in my eye."
Doctor: "Well, take the damn spoon out of the cup, dummy!"
Medical Insurance
Doctor: "Just how long have you been wearing pink panties?"
Patient: "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment."
Rabbit Test
Moe: "What do you call an anaesthesized rabbit?"
Joe: "An ether bunny."
Husband's Medical Condition
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone and said: "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal he can take to work.
4. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.
5. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.
6. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs.
7. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.
8. Most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife: "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
Surgery
Sid Sez: "The definition of minor surgery is: An operation performed on somebody else."
Listen up!
Joe: "Hey, I got a great new hearing aid!"
Moe: "What kind is it?"
Joe: "Three o'clock."
.....................................................
OK, here is the slightly naughty submission for today.
Mom's Affair
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. One day, her 9-year old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes it is."
Boy, "I have a baseball."
Man, "That's nice."
Boy, "Want to buy it?"
Man, "No thanks."
Boy, "My dad's outside."
Man, "OK, how much?"
Boy, "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.
Boy, "It's dark in here."
Man, "Yes, it is."
Boy, "I have a baseball glove."
Man, Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy, "$750."
Man, "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$1,000"
The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's more than those things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go into the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"
.......................................................................................
Hope I didn't offend anyone with that one.
.......................................................................................
Ralph Waldo Emerson said:
"To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place... to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."
....................................................................................
Most of my joke submissions today will be related to the Medical Field, with a kind of naughty and irreverent joke near the end.
Medical School
The professor said to the class of medical students, "Today we are going to discuss the lungs and the heart."
"No!" a student moaned. "Not another organ recital!"
Prognosis
A wife accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the husband's examination, the doctor came out shaking his head and looking worried.
"I don't like the looks of your husband," said the doctor.
The wife replied: "I don't either, but he's good with the children."
Advice to New Doctors
An experienced doctor addressed a medical school graduation class:
"When you're not working, it's important that you relax. You can't do that if friends are always coming up and asking you for medical opinions. When that happens, there is one simple word which will put a stop to it."
"Simply look the person in the eye and say, 'Undress!'"
Stress
Sid Simon sez: "My doctor has a great stress test. It's called the 'bill.'"
Hospital Costs
Sid Simon sez: "I don't blame hospitals for trying to keep costs down, but I really think a coin-operated bed pan is going a little too far."
Mental Floss
Sid Simon sez: "My wife told the doctor that she was afraid my mind was wandering. The doctor, who knows me, said: 'Don't worry, it can't go far."
Dental Floss
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Caffeine Addiction
Patient: "Doctor, whenever I drink coffee, I get a pain in my eye."
Doctor: "Well, take the damn spoon out of the cup, dummy!"
Medical Insurance
Doctor: "Just how long have you been wearing pink panties?"
Patient: "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment."
Rabbit Test
Moe: "What do you call an anaesthesized rabbit?"
Joe: "An ether bunny."
Husband's Medical Condition
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone and said: "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal he can take to work.
4. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.
5. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.
6. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs.
7. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.
8. Most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife: "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
Surgery
Sid Sez: "The definition of minor surgery is: An operation performed on somebody else."
Listen up!
Joe: "Hey, I got a great new hearing aid!"
Moe: "What kind is it?"
Joe: "Three o'clock."
.....................................................
OK, here is the slightly naughty submission for today.
Mom's Affair
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. One day, her 9-year old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes it is."
Boy, "I have a baseball."
Man, "That's nice."
Boy, "Want to buy it?"
Man, "No thanks."
Boy, "My dad's outside."
Man, "OK, how much?"
Boy, "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.
Boy, "It's dark in here."
Man, "Yes, it is."
Boy, "I have a baseball glove."
Man, Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy, "$750."
Man, "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$1,000"
The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's more than those things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go into the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"
.......................................................................................
Hope I didn't offend anyone with that one.
.......................................................................................
Ralph Waldo Emerson said:
"To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place... to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."
....................................................................................
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