Thursday, January 27, 2011

Jokes of a Certain Age

































As I try to get organized, I often come across jokes that I have forgotten. This batch comes from the early 2000's, so be kind.. they are pretty old.

01. Sign.

We saw this mysterious sign in the window of a restaurant in Cambridge, Maryland.

STEAMED CRABS - Applications accepted.

02. Poverty.

I was so poor as a kid, I couldn't afford a kite. I had to tie a string to a seagull instead.

03. Widower.

When I was a new widower, I tried to use the waffle iron. I ruined 2 pairs of pants.

...................
I know, I know.. I'm starting out real slow.
..................

04. Diet.

Well, now I've been on a diet for 4 weeks and I've lost 28 days.

05. Duck.

A duck goes into a fast food restaurant and asks: "Got any duck food?"

The clerk says: "No."

The duck goes out and comes back in and says: "Got any duck food?"

The clerk says: "I told you .. No! Go away!"

The duck goes out and comes back in and says: "Got any duck food?"

The exasperated clerk says: "Look.. I don't have any duck food. Go away or I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!"

The duck goes out and comes back in and says: "Got any nails?"

The clerk yells: "NO!"

The duck says: "Good! Got any duck food?"

06. Automobiles.


"Can you name four cars that start with 'P'?"


"No.. cars start with gasoline."


07. Nosey.


A guy was walking by a mental institution surrounded by a high fence and he heard someone saying: "13, 13, 13, 13." He was very curious and spotted a knothole in the fence. He put his eye up to it, and then he heard: "14, 14, 14, 14."


08. Dog.



A man was sitting next to a gallon of gas that he had in a bucket. Suddenly, a dog came up and drank some of the gasoline, and then began to run around and around and around.. and finally fell over on the ground. A passer-by asked: "Is he dead?"

The man replied: "No, he just ran out of gas."


09. Study.


A recent study by the University of Maryland found that women laugh much more than men.

And do you know what they laugh about? MEN.


10. Slightly naughty.



"Why is that blind man's leg yellow?"

"Because his dog is blind too."



11. A little naughtier.



A lady of the night approached a senior citizen passing by. "Hey, would you like super sex?"

The old man replied: "I'll take the soup."

12. Toastmasters.


Sylvia Wicker was evaluating the speech of a fellow toastmaster. At one point of her critique she said: "You had so many 'um's that I thought that I was taking Morse Code."


13. Skydiving.

Q: Why are there no blind skydivers?

A: Because it scares the devil out of the dog.


14. Playboy.


Before Hugh Hefner settled down with his current girl friend, I sent him a Christmas present: A set of His and Hers and Hers and Hers towels.


15. Grocery.

Once I thought that Grey Poupon was unscented toilet paper.


16. Politics.


Politicians are like babies.. they need to be changed often and for the same reason.


17. Politics.


The word politics comes from:



poly = many

tics = blood suckers



18. Prayer.



A boy said his prayers one night.. "God bless Grandma".. and the next day she died.



The next night the boy said: "God bless Grandpa" .. and the next day he died.



The next night the boy said: "God bless Daddy".. so Daddy got scared and stayed at work to avoid problems and came home the next day to find his wife all upset. He said: "Why?"

She replied: "I needed you, the milkman dropped dead on our doorstep."


19. Doctor.


Worried patient: "Doctor, tell me, how long do I have to live?"

Doctor: "Ten."

Patient: "Ten what?"

Doctor: "Ten, nine, eight...."


20. Widower.

As a new widower, I asked the grocer to sell me some "scratch."

He didn't know what I was asking for.

So, I told him.. my late wife always made everything "from scratch", so I need to get me some of that.

.....................................................................................
Thanks for staying with me to the end.
....................................................................................

Thursday, January 13, 2011

A Little Humor

In these days of assassination by words and by bullets, we need something to cheer us up. So, here are a dozen items that I hope will make your day brighter.


01. Telephone. (from Jack Kolb)

A man called the operator from a phone booth and asked for a telephone number. After giving him the number, the operator heard horrible heavy breathing sounds and began to think that the man was having a heart attack and maybe she should connect with 911. She asked the man what was wrong, he said:

"I don't have a pen, so I'm trying to steam up the window to write the number on with my finger."

02. Texting codes. (from Joe Piechocki)

Senior citizens need some codes to use in addition to LOL and BTW. Some suggestions:

FWIW - Forgot where I was
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
IMHO - Is My Hearing-aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL... CGU - Rolling On the Floor Laughing ... and Can't Get Up

03. Cars. (From Jack Kolb)

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called the rush hour?

04. Male and Female.

God said to Adam: "I'm going to make a mate for you. She will clean your house, wash your clothes, cook your meals, and still have time to be your lover."
Adam said: "Lord, that will be great... but what will it cost me?"
God said: "An arm and a leg."
Adam said: " Oh, Lord.. well what could I get for a rib?"

05. Wisdom.

W.C. Fields: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again, and then quit. There's no use in making a fool of yourself."

06. Computers. (from: The Devil's DP Dictionary by Stan Kelly-Bootle)

consultant n. [from con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or possibly French con (vulgar) "a person of little merit" ... A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who has learned to decamp at hight speed in spite of the large briefcase and heavy wallet.... The earliest literary reference appears to be the ninth-century Arabic tale Ali Baba and the Forty Consultants.

Also, a poem from Stan:

"There are three things a man must do
Before his life is done;
Write two lines in APL,
And make the buggers run."

07. Toastmasters.

Either Allan Misch or Allan Kaufman came up with some classic Table-Topics, to test the mettle of new Toastmasters. (Table-Topics are given without warning to persons who are required to discuss each topic intelligently for one to three minutes.)

Topics to Discuss:

What is chocolate soap, and how is it used?

Explain how to substitute barbed wire for dental floss.

If a BLT is bacon, lettuce and ptomaine, what is PBS?

How would you whitewash a creature from the black lagoon?

08. France.

A strict looking customs inspector in Paris asked the American traveler:
"Do you have any pictures of naked women?"
The American replied: "Oh, no sir!"
The inspector then said: "Do you want to buy some?"

09. Kids. (from Stephen Flocks)

My father's hearing aid occasionally emits a brief high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him. One day my little niece was sitting on his lap when the device started to beep. Surprised, my niece looked up at him. "Grandpa," she said, "you've got mail."

10. Kids (source unknown)

There was a little boy who prayed fervently for two weeks, asking God for $100. When he got no answer, he thought maybe he would write to God to see if that would work. When the post office received the letter addressed to "GOD, USA" they thought it would be best to just forward the letter to President Clinton. The President thought it was so cute that he had his secretary send the boy $5, thinking that a little kid would think that was a lot of money.

When the boy got the money, he was so excited that he sat down right away to write a thank-you note to God: "Dear God, Thank you very much for the money you sent. I suppose it's to be expected, but I just thought you should know that when you sent it through Washington, D.C., the bastards deducted $95.

11. TV. (from Milton Berle)

"Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together."

12. Faces.

Bill found a mirror. He looked into it and said: "Wow! I've found a picture of my old puppy." He took it home and put it in his closet for safe keeping. His wife saw him put the mirror away, and when he left, she took it out and when she looked into it, she said: "Aha! So that's the old witch he's been chasing!"

.......................................................................................................

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Some Jokes for the Beginning of 2011


01. Dieting:
Poem:
My soul is dark with raging riot,
Directly traceable to diet.
(anon)
Thoughts:
0-- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
0-- If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
0-- Help keep your kitchen clean. Eat out.
0-- My next house will have no kitchen.. just vending machines.
0-- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
02. Religion and kids: An AARP friend of mine named Clyde Kreitser used to like to tell this story.


A 5 year-old boy went with his parents to church. The preacher's sermon was on SIN and he made sure that everybody knew that if they sinned, they would roast in Hell fire until they were ashes.


The little boy listened intently and then raised his hand and asked the preacher: "I'm in Kindergarten, so, if I am bad and die, will I just become a cinder?"


03. Politics and kids: Clare Mezzanotte told us about this exchange:


Grandma Clare just came back from voting in a Presidential election.

Her 4 year-old grandson asked her: "Did you vote for Bushington?"


04. Mind games:


A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First, I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"


The doctor replies: "That is very simple. You are just too tents."


05. DIY:


Question: How many men does it take to wallpaper a bedroom?


Answer: Two, if you slice them thin enough.


06. Marriage:


"What's your husband getting for his 50th birthday?" the woman asked her friend.


"Fat and bald, " she replied.


07. Death:


Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you are in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"


Friend 1 said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."


Friend 2 said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God, who made a big difference in people's lives."


Friend 3 said: "I'd like them to say, 'Hey, look! He's moving!'"


08. Genie:


A guy rubbed a lamp and the emerging genie gave him one wish. So, he thought long and hard, and then said: "I would like to have a chick with long legs!" So the genie gave him an ostrich.


09. Animals:


Judge, my wife keeps a goat in the bedroom and I can't stand the smell any longer.


Why don't you open the window?


What.. and let my chickens out?


10. Religion:


The preacher was greeting his flock after the Sunday service when a young boy stopped and told him: "I want to grow up and get a good job so I can give you and your church lots of money."


"That's very nice," the pastor said. "And what made you decide to be so generous?"


"Today's sermon," replied the boy.


"Oh," the pastor beamed; "What was it about the sermon?"


"Well, when you finished, my dad said you were about the poorest preacher he's ever heard."


11. Money:


The snooty heir told a friend, "I'm going to inherit a newspaper from my rich dad."


"So what?" said the friend. "I buy a new one every day."


12. Feghoot:


A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and they were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved away.


"Because," he said: "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


.......................................................................................................................