Saturday, April 16, 2011

Some Jokes for a very windy and rainy day.

Our screens are blowing away and our trees are bending over in the wind.  Our outside grill just tipped completely over, and,  our cat SuZee is scared to death.. so now might be a good time to type a few jokes and try to cheer up.

01.  Easter riddle:

What do you call an anaesthetised rabbit?

An ether bunny.

02.  Polititical riddle:

What do you call an emotional Conservative?

An emoticon.

OK, I know.. this was a lousy way to start.  I'll try to do better.

03.  Survival.

Pat and Mike were camping in the woods and they saw a bear come into their camp.  Pat immediately started to put on his sneakers.   Mike asked him: "Why are you doing that?  Are you going to try to outrun the bear?"  Pat said: "No, I'm just going to outrun you."

04.  Health.

Pat: "Hey, Mike, I just bought a new hearing aid."
Mike:  "That's great.. what kind is it?"
Pat:  "Five O'clock."

05.  Sports.

The big animals were playing the liittle animals and at half-time, the elephant asked the centipede:
"Where were you the first half?"   The centipede replied: "Getting my ankles taped."

06.  Beer.

Four beer company executives were in a bar.

The Corona beer guy said:  "Senor, give me the crown of beer.. Corona!"

The Coors beer guy said:  "Give me a beer brewed by a mountain stream.. Coors!" 

The Budweiser guy said: "Give me a Bud!"

The Guiness guy said: "Give me a coke!"

The bartendar said: "A Coke? Why did you ask for that?"

The Guiness guy said: "Well, if the other guys aren't going to drink beer, I'm not going to either!"

07.  Old Age.

A 90 year old man was crying.  I asked him why.

He said: "I just married a 30 year old woman.  The sex is great and she washes my clothes and is an excellent cook."

"Then, why are you crying?"

"Because I can't remember where I live."

08.  Old Age.

Another 90 year old man observed a little boy sitting on the curb, crying.

Old man: "Son, why are you crying?"

Boy: "Because I can't do what the big boys do."

The old man sat down beside him and cried too.

09.  Medication.

My brother mixed up Ben Gay and Preparation H, and now his shoulder is shrinking.

10.  Doctor's advice.

Baltimore Man:  "Doctor, how can I improve my sex life?"

Hopkins Doctor:  "Jog everyday for three hours, and call me in ten days."

Call:  Doctor:  "Well, how is your sex life now?"

Call:  Man: "How can I tell.. I'm in Chicago."

11.  Bible study.

A long time ago, God was mopping His brow after finishing a difficult task.

"Whew!  I just made 24 hours of alternating light and dark!"

A nearby angel asked: "What are You going to do now?"

God replied, "I think I'll call it a day."

12.  Atheism.

An atheist was fishing in Loch Ness, Scotland.

All of a sudden, a monster raised up out of the lake and the atheist yelled:  "God, help me!"

God replied immediately: "Why call on me after all these years?  You said that you didn't believe in me."

The former atheist replied: "God, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!" 


....  I usually quit after a dozen jokes, but today, because of the mini hurricane outside,  I think a few more jokes would help to pass the time..

13.  Marriage.

A man bought his wife a new negligee.  The wife tried it on, but it was too small, so she got naked instead.  In bed, with the lights out, the husband says, "That negligee was very expensive.  They could have at least pressed it!"

14.  Ten Commandments:

(CJ.. Chaplain Jimmy.. the main preacher where I live in Maryland told a version of the following joke.. substituting a bicycle for the lost item.)

A man went to church on Sunday and heard a sermon about the Ten Commandments. This caused him to go to Confession.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," he began.
"Go ahead, my son," said the priest.
"Well, I lost my hat and I came to church to steal one.  But I heard your great sermon and I changed my mind."
"That's good, my son, 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' is a powerful commandment," said the priest.
"That's right," the man replied, "But it was when you said 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' that I finally remembered where my hat was."

15.  Inheritance story.

A young man, still living at home, expected to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widowed father died.  He decided that he needed a woman to enjoy it with him.  He went to several single bars until he found a woman that he fell immediately in love with.  He walked up to her and said: "Right now, I'm just an average guy, but within a month or two, my father will die and I will inherit 80 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with the young man.... and within a week she had become his stepmother.

16. Lost in the Mall.

A little boy was lost in a large shopping mall.  He approached a uniformed policeman and said: "I've lost my grandpa!"

The policeman askked: "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then answered:  "Budweiser beer and women with big butts."