Christmas Jokes

I haven't posted any jokes for a while, and I thought that now might be a good time to do so.  Now that you all have probably followed the gift buying suggestions in one of my other blogs, you can relax and read a few real real real old Christmas jokes.

Subject: Santa Claus

1.  Enlightenment

"Bobby, did you see Santa this time?"
"No, Auntie, but I heard what he said when he knocked his toe against the bedpost."

2.  Payback

Willy, taken to see Santa Claus, kicked him in the shins, saying: "That's for last year!"

Subject: Ladies and Christmas

1. Wishing

Two elderly unmarried ladies were making their plans for the Christmas season.
"Betty," asked the younger, "do you think that one long, wide stocking would hold all you want for Christmas?"
"Heavens no," replied Betty with a sigh, "but a pair of short socks would."

2.  Swag

(One burgler's wife to another)
"What did your old man give you for Christmas?"
"Nothing.  The cops caught him just as he was bringing it home."

3. Truism

At Christmas time, every woman wants her past forgotten and her present remembered.

4.  Girl talk

First girl: "You mean to say that you're engaged to five guys at the same time?
Second girl: "Yes, and I can hardly wait until after Christmas to straighten things out."

Subject:  Special Gifts

1.  Musical interlude

Nephew:  "That accordian that you gave me for Christmas last year is the best present I ever received."
Aunt:       "I'm glad you liked it."
Nephew: "Yeah, mother gives me a quarter a week not to play it."

2.  Chop Suey

Bill: "How did you like those Chinese back scratchers that I gave you for Christmas?"
Jim:  "Is that what they are?  My wife's been making me eat salad with them."


Subject:  Husband and Wife

1.  Aspirin time

Joe:  "My wife hung my socks up and boy did I have a headache!"
Bill: "How could hanging up socks for Christmas give you a headache?"
Joe:  "Well, she forgot to take me out of them first.

2.  Price check

Customer:  "I came in here to get something for my wife."
Clerk:        "What are you asking for her?"

3.  Concentration

Next Customer: "I want to buy a present for my wife."
Clerk:               "Can I interest you in something in silk stockings?"
Next Customer: "Yes, but let's see about the present first."

4.  Financial matter

Husband:  "Would you be pleased if I gave you a check for Christmas, dear?"
Wife:        "I certainly would!"
Husband:  "Good.  Here it is, already made out to me, ready for you to sign."

5.  Christmas morning

Wife to husband: "You angel! Just what I need to exchange for what I wanted!"

6.  Mother in law gift

Wife to husband:  "Last year for Christmas we sent my mother a chair. What do you think we ought to do this year?"
Husband to wife:  "Electrify it!"

7.  Advice

Don't promise to buy your wife a diamond necklace for Christmas unless you really mean it.  If you do buy it, there'll be only the jeweler to pay;  if you don't buy it, there'll be hell to pay.

Subject:  Church

1.  The music

Mother came into the room and found the children seated on lined-up chairs.
"Whatever are you doing?" she asked. 
"We're playing church," announced one of the boys.
"But you girls on the end shouldn't be whispering in church, " reproved mother.
"Oh, that's all right," replied one of the girls, "we're the choir."

2.  The Sermon

A clergyman was unable to deliver his Christmas sermon and asked an associate to do so.  Later, he asked his wife how the sermon went.
"The worst I've ever heard.  Nothing of interest in it at all," replied his wife.
The clergyman then confronted his associate and asked him how he had done.
"Excellently!" replied the associate.  "I didn't have enough time to prepare my own, so I preached one of your sermons."

3.  The Offering

A wealthy man went to church on Christmas eve.  After the service, he approached the minister with great enthusiasm.

"Reverend," he said, "that was one damned good sermon!"
The minister replied: "I'm glad that you liked it, but it would be nice if you didn't swear when expressing yourself."
"I can't help it," said the man, "but I liked it so much that a put a one hundred dollar bill in the collection plate."
"The hell you say!" gulped the minister.

.......................................................................................................

I stole a few of these OLD jokes from the following books in my collection:

Braude's Handbook of Humor for All Occasions  by Jacob M. Braude (1958)
5,600 Jokes for All Occasions by Mildred Meier and Jack Knapp (1940)
Esar's Joke Dictionary by Evan Esar (1945)

.......................................................................................................

Some Jokes to Welcome Fall

It's time for my monthly joke Blog entry.  Twelve hilarious jokes, guaranteed to cheer you up or put you to sleep.  You decide.

1.  Bus Driver Religious Joke #1

On our crab feast ride today, the driver, Ken, who works for Rill's Bus Company, told the following joke, in which he included the name of a well-known clergyman in Carroll County Maryland.
...

Sister Margaret was driving through a small town, delivering donated medical equipment to sickly shut-ins, when her car ran out of gas.  Being an independent person, she walked to the Gas Station, about a quarter of a mile away. 

The attendant told her that his only gasoline can was on loan to a customer and there was no container in the shop that could hold gasoline.

Undeterred, Sister Margaret trekked back to her car and uncovered the only thing available that could hold fluid.. a bed pan.   Holding it under her arm, she walked back to the station and got it filled with gasoline. 

As she got back to her car, and was filling the gas tank from the bed pan, Reverend Lou Piel drove by, and stopped to observe. He looked on in astonishment and turned to his wife and said:  "If that car starts after this, I'm converting!"

2.  Bus Driver Religious Joke #2

Ken was now on a roll and followed up with another joke.
...

A young boy was standing in the back of a church looking at a long list of names.  Just then, the Preacher walked by and the boy asked what the list was all about.  The Preacher said:  That is a list of the people who died in the service."

The boy asked: "Was that the 9:30 service or the 11 am service?"

3.  The Genie

Since I'm naming actual people in this blog entry, let me tell a joke that I believe was first told to an audience by Hermine Saunders, another famous Carroll County Maryland personage.
...

A guy was walking along a beach and found a bottle.  As he rubbed the sand off of it with his handkerchief, a Genie appeared.   Since the Genie was only a Genie Third Class, he could only offer the finder one wish.

The man thought very long and hard, and finally came up with a wish.

"Since I hate to fly, but love Hawaii, I want you to build me a bridge across the Pacific, so I can drive there."

The Genie thought very long and hard, and finally said that building a bridge like that would use up tons and tons of resources, require travel plazas, hotels, and restaurants.  He wondered if the man could perhaps come up with a different wish.

So, the man sat down and once again thought very long and hard, and finally came up with a new wish.

"I would like you to make me able to understand women."

The Genie immediately responded:  "Would you like two or four lanes?"

4.  Grouchy Lady Version #1

Roy Chiavacci, Executive Vice President of the place I live, Carroll Lutheran Village, is a masterful joke teller.  I've stolen some of his jokes before to be put into this blog.  This is how he kind of told this joke recently at the Village.
...

A lady had been very grouchy and grumpy lately.  Her husband talked her into having a medical checkup to find out what was wrong. 

At the end of the session, the Doctor and the man's wife came out of the examination room, and the Doctor suddenly grabbed the lady in his arms and gave her a big voluptuous kiss.  He then said: "This is what your wife needs.  And she needs it three times a week."

The husband then said: "Well, I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I'll have to get somebody else to bring her in on Friday."

5.  Grouchy Lady Version #2

My friend, Alan Kaufman, Distinguished Toastmaster and celebrated story-teller throughout the East Coast, tells this version.. which I will try to not screw up too much.
...

Mr. Jones brought his wife in to see the Doctor.  He told the doc that his wife has been very irritable and grouchy lately.. in fact, she has been kvetchy.. 

The Doctor took a look at Mrs. Jones and gave his diagnosis.  He said:  "This case is easy.  Your wife is starved for affection.  She needs some loving.. at least three times a week."

Mr. Jones said: "Well, okay, put me down for Mondays."

6. Who's on?

Someone send me the beginning of an upgraded Abbott and Costello routine:

Abbott:  Computer Store, can I help you?

Costello: I want to buy a computer.

Abbott:  Mac?

Costello:  No, this is Lou.

Abbott:  Do you want Windows?

Costello:  Why, is it stuffy in here?

and more of the same... you can write it yourself.

7.  Picking on Women Drivers?

Wife on phone to husband:  "I've got good news and bad news."

Husband: "Tell me the good news first."

Wife:  "The airbag works."

8.  Marriage?

A couple is lying in bed one night when the woman turns to the man and says: "I'm going to make you the happiest man in the world."

The man responded: "I'm going to miss you."

9.  The Draft

A young man was not happy when he received his draft notice, and decided to give answers to the doctors' questions that would help him fail the physical.

Doctor: "What can you see on that wall over there?"

Young Man:  "What wall?"

Doctor:  "Congratulations!  You just passed the Hearing Test."

10.  The Hand Appears

This comes from a 2006 issue of Weekly World News.
...
A man was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a storm.

Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop.  Without thinking, the man got into the back seat, closed the door, and then realized there was no one behind the  wheel!

The car started slowly and the man panicked as he looked out at the road and saw a curve coming up.,  Scared, he started to pray for his life.

Suddenly, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.  Frozen with fear, the man watched how the hand appeared every time, right before a curve.

Gathering his strength, the passenger finally jumped from the car and ran to the nearest town.  He went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the terrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the man was serious.

About half an hour later, two men walked into the same restaurant.  They looked around for a table when one said to the other, "Hey, look! That's the guy who got in the car when we were pushing it."

11.  Driving

A State policeman saw an older lady drive by.. she was knitting while she drove.

He pulled his vehicle next to her and yelled: "Pull over!"

She yelled back at him with a smile, "No, cardigan."

12. Logic

Little Johnny's Kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station where they saw pictures tacked  to a bulletin board of the ten most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman.  "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked: "Then why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
..........................................

Well, at least we can still laugh. Right?

Elaine sez: "In the past couple of years, we have experienced at our home, a blizzard, a tornado, an earthquake and now a hurricane.  What's left for us?"

Hey, how about a mutated strain of bird flu?  Sometimes, some of us feel a bit like Job.  But life goes on, and it is wonderful here in the good old U S of A, because, regardless of the weather, recessions and depressions, ineptitude of some in Congress, a stock market roller coaster... we are free to make fun of our situations..and our leaders... and ourselves.   So, here are a few jokes that I hope will make your day a little brighter.

01.  Life style

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by an extremely dirty and shabby-looking bum, who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.  The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked: "If I give you this money, will you use it to buy whiskey?"

"No, I quit drinking years ago,"  the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble.  I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you crazy!  I haven't played golf in twenty years!"

The man said: "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars.  Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded.  "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?  I know I'm dirty and smell bad."

The man replied: "That's OK.  I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

02. Confession 

I was a city boy, but my wife comes from the country.  She really likes me.  The other day, I asked her why.  She said that since she was raised in the country, when she is next to a jackass, she really feels good.

03.  Dental hygiene

I broke my teeth last week in the mall, and a guy walking by said:  "Hey, I've got a set here you can use."  I tried it, but it was too tight.  He had another set, I tried it, but it was too loose.

He had one more set, and it was just right.  I told him: "I sure was lucky that you, a dentist, were nearby."

He said: "I'm not a dentist, I'm a funeral director."

04.  Philosophy

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.  There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

05.  More Philosophy

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.. then it dawned on me.. they are cramming for their finals.

06.  Eulogy

A guy who was not well liked in the community died.  His wife asked a minister to deliver the eulogy.  The minister told the wife, "You can't be serious.. everybody knows what a terrible person your husband was."

But she pleaded with him.  "I know that you can find something nice to say about hiim.

The next day, the minister said to the mourners, "Today, we are gathered here to pay our final respects to Jim Jones.  He was not a very nice person.  He never supported his wife ande family.  He drank, gambled, and ran around with other women.  But compared to his brother Tom, he was an angel!"

07.  Getting older

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree, when one turns to the other and says:  "Joe, I'm 88 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.  I know you're about my age.  How do you feel?"

Joe says: "I feel just like a new-born baby."

"Really?  Like a new-born baby?"

"Yep.  No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

08.  Gardening

I planted some bird seed and guess what came up.  That's right.. birds.

09.  Marriage

A newspaper was interviewing a couple who had been married for 65 years.  The reporter asked the wife: "How long would you like to live?"  She replied: "100 years."

The reporter then asked the husband: "How long would you like to live?"  He replied: "101 years."

The reporter asked the man: "Why do you want to live a year longer than your wife?"

The man replied:  "Well.. that way I would get at least one year of peace and quiet."

10.  Sweets

A preacher goes into a nursing home to meet with an elderly parishioner.

As he is sitting there he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one.  As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after another.

By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty.

He says: "Ma'm, I'm sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."

"That's okay," she says.  "They would have just sat there. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back.'

11. Sports

Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.  Today, it's called golf.

12.  Poem

My face in the mirror isn't wrinkled or drawn..

My house isn't dirty..

The cobwebs are gone..

My garden looks nice, and so does my lawn..

I think I may never put my glasses back on!

...........................

That's funny! (I hope)

Happy Birthday, Ivan Gibbs!

I have been quite busy lately, and haven't had time to post my usual "monthly dozen" of jokes.. so I'll try to catch up.  Here are two dozen.. and, as usual, you will have to take the good with the bad. 

01.  Miss Kitty said?

Guy 1:  "Hey.. do you think they have cats in heaven?"

Guy 2:  "Of course.  Where do you think they get strings for their harps?"

02.  Dog lover said?

Guy 1:  "My dog is wonderful.  He cost me $500.  He's part Terrier and part Bull."

Guy 2:  "Which part is Bull?"

Guy 1:  "The part about it costing me $500."

03.  Groucho said?

"I once worked a really cheap theater in the round.  The stage didn't rotate.. every few minutes the audience had to get up and change seats."

04. O. Henry said:

"A story with a moral appended is like the bill of the mosquito.  It bores you and then injects a stinging drop to irritate your conscience."

05.  Phyllis Diller said?

"I once went braless and wore a peek-a-boo blouse.  It was embarrassing.  First they'd peek, then they'd boo."

06.  What if budget cuts affected 911 operators?

"Thank you for calling 911, your emergency number.  Normally, we would ask if you wanted police, fire, or ambulance, but all of our operators are busy helping other callers at the moment.  If you will stay on the line, your call will be answered in turn."

07.  Old Couple.

Did you hear about the couple who got married so late in life that Medicare paid for the honeymoon?

08.  Old Maid.

Did you hear about the old maid who  sent her picture to a "Lonely Hearts Club?"  They returned it with a note saying: "Sorry.. but we're not that lonely!"

09.  The wisdom of age.

The old man's expectant relatives were gathered for the reading of the will after his death.

The lawyer read from the will as follows:

"Being of sound mind.  I spent every last cent before I died."

10.  Religious truisms? (wait for complaints.)

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Catholics do not recognize Luther as the head of their church.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

11.  Classic naughtiness from BBC's Captain Peacock:

On the breast of a barmaid from Vale
Was tatooed all the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was recorded the same thing in Braille.

12.  Hunger.

The newlywed husband came home from work to find his wife in tears.

"Supper is scorched!" she sobbed.

"What happened?"  he asked.  "Did the Burger King burn down?"

13.  Money.

A counterfeiter, new to the business, gave the bartender a nine dollar bill to pay for his two dollar beer.

The bartender glanced at it, tossed it in his cash register. and gave the customer a four dollar bill and a three dollar bill in change.  The counterfeiter smiled, realizing the bartender was on to him.

"At least I beat you out of a beer!" he said as he was about to head for the door.

"What makes you think that was beer?" the bartender asked.

14.  Bible study.

One Sunday, a preacher announced that his next sermon would be on the topic of lying.

"To prepare, I'd like you all to read the 30th chapter of the Book of Matthew," he said.

The next Sunday, he asked those who had done the recommended reading to raise their hands.  All hands went up.

"That's a good introduction to my topic," said the preacher.

"You're all liars.  There is no 30th chapter in the Book of Matthew!"

15.  Cheap guy.

"My father invented the limbo dance.  He was trying to sneak into a pay toilet."

16.  Norm Crosby said:

"Two antennas got married.  The wedding wasn't too spectacular.. but the reception was excellent."

17.  Old Couple.

My wife and I are growing old.  Last week she asked me to make her a banana split.  A half hour later, I brought her bacon and eggs.  She said: "I knew you'd forget the toast."

18.  Old Rocker.

At a senior community, I encountered an elderly lady rocking back and forth like a metronome.  I asked her why.

She said: "So I can tell time."

So I asked her: "What time is it?"

She replied: "6:30."

I said: "But you're wrong, it's 6:45."

She said: "It is?" 

Now rocking faster, she said: "I must be slow."

19. Illness.

Guy 1: "How was your trip?"

Guy 2: "I was sick the whole time because I can't ride backwards on a train."

Guy 1: "Why didn't you switch with the person sitting across from you?"

Guy 2.  "That's a good idea, but nobody was there."

20.  Marriage.

Guy 1: "For 20 years my wife and I were ecstatically happy!"

Guy 2:  "What happened then?"

Guy 1:  "We met.

21.  Marriage.

Guy 1:  "They say your wife is outspoken."

Guy 2:  "By whom?"

22.  Marriage in Minnesota:

I bought my wife a refrigerator during the Winter.  She had a great job breaking ice up into small pieces to put in those little trays.

23.  Holiday wish.

As the Fourth of July holiday approached, I noticed a sad looking young lady pushing a stroller holding two toddlers, while she carried an infant in her arms.  To try to cheer her up, I said: "Happy Fourth!"

She slapped my face.

24.  Marriage.

Young lady:  "Can I marry an octopus?"

Lawyer:  "No, of course not!"

Young lady:  "Then how do I get rid of 8 engagement rings?"

..........................................................................................

The Merry Month of May

The sun is trying to come out to warm the dark green grass that has sprouted about four inches in two days.  We are lucky here in Maryland not to have the weather problems that some of the other States are having.. especially Mississippi.  Perhaps some of our friends down there, like Dawn T., might like a few jokes to cheer them up a little.

01.  Here's Johnny!

Johnny Carson used to do a wonderful skit where he became The Great Karnack.  Karnack was able to Question Answers like the following:

Answer:     Beating around the bush.

Question:   Describe a lawn party at the Marquis de Sades' house.
.....
Answer:    A trip  to the moon on gossamer wings.

Question:   Describe the Greenwich Village space program.
.....
Answer:    Cool hand Luke.

Question:   Who do the cows hate to see come into the barn in the AM?
.....

Answer:    A short sprint.

Question:  What do you put on a broken thumb  in Japan?
.....
Answer:   Malibu

Question:  What does a Mali-ghost say?
.....

I know, I know, you had to be there.

02. Religious Issues

Church Bulletin:  "Potluck dinner today, prayer and medication to follow."
.....
Bingo session: 

Q: Why is the priest calling the numbers in Latin?
A:  Because he doesn't want Protestants to win.
.....
A guy enters a cafe.  He spots two beautiful blondes sitting at the bar.
Guy to Girls:  "Hey, are you two sisters?"
Girl to Guy:   "Hell no, we're not even Catholic.
.....
Just wondering:  In Heaven, do all the women wear the exact same halo?
.....

03.  Medicine

Patient to Doctor:  "I think I'll get a second opinion."

Doctor to Patient:  "Fine, come in tomorrow."
.....

04.  Old Bumper Stickers

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE WAY I DRIVE, GET OFF OF THE SIDEWALK!
.....
MY KID CAN BEAT UP YOUR HONOR STUDENT!
.....
ARCHAEOLOGISTS WILL DATE ANY OLD THING.
.....
EAT RIGHT, EXERCISE.  DIE ANYWAY.
.....
FROGS PARKING ONLY. ALL OTHERS WILL BE TOAD.
.....

05. At the Hospital

A nurse placed a stethoscope on an elderly deaf female patient's chest.
"Big breaths," instructed the nurse.
The patient responded: "Yes, they used to be."
.....

06.  Questions for Junior High School Students

Q:  Why does your sister have such a big belly button?
A:   So she can carry the flag in the Veterans' Day parade.
.....
Q:  Why did the chicken join the band?
A:   Because he had drumsticks.
.....
Q:  Why did the spider move out of the window sill?
A:   He wanted to change websites.
.....
Q:  Why did the Siamese Twins move to England?
A:   So the other one could drive.
.....

07.  Comedians Talk

Steven Wright:  "If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
.....

Art Buchwald said of his 50th Class Reunion: "A lot of old faces, with a lot of new teeth."
.....

Henny Youngman liked to say: "Take my wife...  please!"

Recently, I heard the origin of that phrase.  Henny was backstage with his wife and friend before he was to perform.  He was given the sign to start early, so he didn't have time to escort his wife to the audience.  His friend said that he was leaving to get his seat, so Henny asked him: "Please take my wife."  Since that made his friend smile, Henny decided to change it around a little and see if it worked with the audience.  It did.
.....

08.  Another version, maybe

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender:  "I want something tall and cold, and filled with gin."
The bartender says:  "Take my wife!"
.....

09.  More bartender stuff

A guy goes into a bar and orders a stiff drink and then begins to moan.

The bartender asks: "What's the problem, pal?" 

The guy says: "Until today, I had everything a man could ask for.  Money, a nice place to live, and the love of a beautiful woman."

Bartender:  "What happened?"

Guy: "My wife found out."

10.  Introduction

During a recent retirement dinner, the Toastmaster gave the following intro:

"Today, we honor a man who doesn't know the meaning of "fear".  He doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit", and also doesn't know the meaning of the word "impossible."...So, we all chipped in and bought him a dictionary."

11.  Some alphabetic Animals

A: An alligator went on a train trip and gave his suitcase to a redcap.  He told him: "Be careful, that's my wife."
E: An elephant went into a clothing store and told the clerk: "I'd like to see something new in trunks."
F: A boy flea asked a girl flea to come up to his apartment to see his itchings.
H: A zoo-keeper took his hippo to the vet and said: "I don't know what is wrong with him, he just pecks at his food.  A peck of this; a peck of that."
Z: Rider to train conductor:  "There's a zebra in my upper berth, isn't that amazing?"
Conductor:  "It certainly is.  His ticket calls for a drawing room."

.....

12:  More alphabetic animals.

F: Time flies like the wind,
    Fruit flies like bananas.
D: A duck orders a big meal at a restaurant, and when it is time to pay, he says: "Put it on my bill."
D: A dog played classical music, but his Bach was worse than his bite.
M: Monkeys shoot dice; but it's ok, they only play for peanuts.


Had enough!
......

Gas?

Is the price of gas getting you down?  Well, here is some "gas" that is free.

01.  Pearly Gates

There are two entrances to Heaven for men.  One is marked: "Gate 1: For Those Men Who Dominated Their Wives."  The other entrance is marked: "Gate 2: For Those Men Who Were Dominated By Their Wives."

As would be expected, the line at Gate 2 was extremely long.  But the line at Gate 1 had only one man waiting to get in.

A passing angel asked the man at Gate 1 why he was in that line.  The man answered: "My wife told me to."

02.  Golf

Golfer #1:  "My wife is going to leave me if I don't give up golf."
Golfer #2:  "What are you going to do?"
Golfer #1:  "I'm going to really miss her!"

03.  From Steve Allen #1.. Court

Judge: "Will you tell the court what passed between you and your wife during the quarrel?"
Defendant:  "Yes.  A flatiron, a rolling pin, six plates and a teakettle."

04.  From Steve Allen #2 .. Doctor

I have a great doctor.  I told him I couldn't afford the surgery that he recommended, so he touched up my X-Ray.

05. From Steve Allen #3 .. Poem

I often pause and wonder,
At times peculiar ways,
Nearly all our famous men
Were born on Holidays.

06.  Kids

A boy was watching his father, a preacher, write a sermon.  He asked: "How do you know what to say?"
His father replied: "God tells me what to say."
The boy asked: "Then why do you keep crossing things out?"

07.  More Golf

Question:  Why is golf like taxes?
Answer:     Well, you drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole.

08.  Even more Golf.. from Sid Simon

Give me my golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep my golf clubs and the fresh air.

09.  Doctor's Orders

An old man went to the doctor to get a physical.   A few days later, the doctor saw him walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

The doctor stopped him and said: "You seem to be doing real good."
The old man said:  "Yes, I'm doing what you said to do: 'Get a hot mama and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said: "No.. what I said was: 'You have a heart murmur and be careful!'"

10.  More from Sid Simon .. Doctor stuff

Question:  Why did the doctor fail as a kidnapper?

Answer:    Nobody could read his ransom notes.

11.  Another Genie story

A man at a ballgame absently rubbed  a funny looking coke bottle and a genie suddenly appeared.

Genie:  I only have one wish to grant today.  I can give you either infinite wisdom, or a million dollars.

Man (looking around, seeing people watching him, and not wanting to appear greedy) says: I'll take infinite wisdom.

Whoof!  He is now smarter than anybody else in the world.

A guy seated next to him asked him:  "Now, with infinite wisdom, what is the greatest think that you now know?"

Man:  "I should have taken the damn million dollars!"

12.  Signs from the late Charlie Bennett (2002)

Sign over a gynecologist's office:  "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

Sign outside a muffler shop:  "No appointment necessary.  We hear you coming."

Sign in a veterinarian's waiting room:  "Be back in 5 minutes.  Sit!  Stay!

Sign at a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose."

Sign on an electrician's truck:  "Let us remove your shorts."

Sign on a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

Sign in an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

.................................................................................................................................

Some Jokes for a very windy and rainy day.

Our screens are blowing away and our trees are bending over in the wind.  Our outside grill just tipped completely over, and,  our cat SuZee is scared to death.. so now might be a good time to type a few jokes and try to cheer up.

01.  Easter riddle:

What do you call an anaesthetised rabbit?

An ether bunny.

02.  Polititical riddle:

What do you call an emotional Conservative?

An emoticon.

OK, I know.. this was a lousy way to start.  I'll try to do better.

03.  Survival.

Pat and Mike were camping in the woods and they saw a bear come into their camp.  Pat immediately started to put on his sneakers.   Mike asked him: "Why are you doing that?  Are you going to try to outrun the bear?"  Pat said: "No, I'm just going to outrun you."

04.  Health.

Pat: "Hey, Mike, I just bought a new hearing aid."
Mike:  "That's great.. what kind is it?"
Pat:  "Five O'clock."

05.  Sports.

The big animals were playing the liittle animals and at half-time, the elephant asked the centipede:
"Where were you the first half?"   The centipede replied: "Getting my ankles taped."

06.  Beer.

Four beer company executives were in a bar.

The Corona beer guy said:  "Senor, give me the crown of beer.. Corona!"

The Coors beer guy said:  "Give me a beer brewed by a mountain stream.. Coors!" 

The Budweiser guy said: "Give me a Bud!"

The Guiness guy said: "Give me a coke!"

The bartendar said: "A Coke? Why did you ask for that?"

The Guiness guy said: "Well, if the other guys aren't going to drink beer, I'm not going to either!"

07.  Old Age.

A 90 year old man was crying.  I asked him why.

He said: "I just married a 30 year old woman.  The sex is great and she washes my clothes and is an excellent cook."

"Then, why are you crying?"

"Because I can't remember where I live."

08.  Old Age.

Another 90 year old man observed a little boy sitting on the curb, crying.

Old man: "Son, why are you crying?"

Boy: "Because I can't do what the big boys do."

The old man sat down beside him and cried too.

09.  Medication.

My brother mixed up Ben Gay and Preparation H, and now his shoulder is shrinking.

10.  Doctor's advice.

Baltimore Man:  "Doctor, how can I improve my sex life?"

Hopkins Doctor:  "Jog everyday for three hours, and call me in ten days."

Call:  Doctor:  "Well, how is your sex life now?"

Call:  Man: "How can I tell.. I'm in Chicago."

11.  Bible study.

A long time ago, God was mopping His brow after finishing a difficult task.

"Whew!  I just made 24 hours of alternating light and dark!"

A nearby angel asked: "What are You going to do now?"

God replied, "I think I'll call it a day."

12.  Atheism.

An atheist was fishing in Loch Ness, Scotland.

All of a sudden, a monster raised up out of the lake and the atheist yelled:  "God, help me!"

God replied immediately: "Why call on me after all these years?  You said that you didn't believe in me."

The former atheist replied: "God, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!" 


....  I usually quit after a dozen jokes, but today, because of the mini hurricane outside,  I think a few more jokes would help to pass the time..

13.  Marriage.

A man bought his wife a new negligee.  The wife tried it on, but it was too small, so she got naked instead.  In bed, with the lights out, the husband says, "That negligee was very expensive.  They could have at least pressed it!"

14.  Ten Commandments:

(CJ.. Chaplain Jimmy.. the main preacher where I live in Maryland told a version of the following joke.. substituting a bicycle for the lost item.)

A man went to church on Sunday and heard a sermon about the Ten Commandments. This caused him to go to Confession.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," he began.
"Go ahead, my son," said the priest.
"Well, I lost my hat and I came to church to steal one.  But I heard your great sermon and I changed my mind."
"That's good, my son, 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' is a powerful commandment," said the priest.
"That's right," the man replied, "But it was when you said 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' that I finally remembered where my hat was."

15.  Inheritance story.

A young man, still living at home, expected to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widowed father died.  He decided that he needed a woman to enjoy it with him.  He went to several single bars until he found a woman that he fell immediately in love with.  He walked up to her and said: "Right now, I'm just an average guy, but within a month or two, my father will die and I will inherit 80 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with the young man.... and within a week she had become his stepmother.

16. Lost in the Mall.

A little boy was lost in a large shopping mall.  He approached a uniformed policeman and said: "I've lost my grandpa!"

The policeman askked: "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then answered:  "Budweiser beer and women with big butts."

In Honor of Roy Chiavacci, Exec VP of CLV

Roy is a master joke teller and always has a story to tell at our monthly meetings here in Carroll Lutheran Village. Usually, I write down these gems and tell them wherever and whenever anyone will listen to me. Our local AARP Chapter members are usually a captive audience. Some of these may be ones I've stolen from Roy.

01. Secret Agent.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter the circumstances. Inside of the room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said: "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said: "Then you are not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a while. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I couldn't kill my wife."

The agent said: "You don't have what it takes for the job. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She indicated that she had a mild case of PMS, needed to take an aspirin, and wanted to know how long this testing phase was going to last. "Just a few minutes," said the CIA agent, so she took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the wall. After a few minutes all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. Wiping the sweat from her brow, she said: "This damn gun is loaded with blanks, so I had to beat him to death with the chair."

02. Marriage.

A lonely woman inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband wanted." The next day, she received over one hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

03. Marriage.. from Henny Youngman .. probably.

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week we go out to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food, and companionship. She goes Tuesday; I go Fridays.

04. Chaste?

In a tiny Irish village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin, and very proud of it.

When she knew her last days were approaching, she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone.

LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN

Not long after that the old lady died peacefully. When the undertaker went to carve the inscription, he found that the tombstone was too small for her request to fit.

He thought long and hard as to how he could fulfill the old maid's request with such limited space available to him.

After agonizing over this dilemma for days, the answer finally came to him, and the following inscription was carved into her tombstone:

RETURNED UNOPENED

05. Driving. (Henny?)

My wife is such a bad driver, a policeman gave her a season ticket.

06. Marriage.

Traffic Cop: (stopping motorist) "Mister, your wife fell out of the car three blocks back."

Motorist: "Thank goodness. I thought I'd gone deaf."

07. Marriage.

Wife: "You never notice what I wear."

Husband: "That's not true. Try me."

The next night, the wife asked: "What am I wearing that's different?"

Husband: "New stockings?" (no) "New hat?" (no) "I give up, what is it?"

Wife: "I'm wearing a gas mask."

08. Marriage.

Wife: "Honey, I can't get the car started. I think it's flooded."

Husband: "Where is it?"

Wife: "In the swimming pool."

09. Last writes?

Old John's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly he motions to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and John uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, and then dies.

The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket.

At John's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when John died.

"John handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing John, I'm sure there is a word of inspiration in it for us all."

Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

10. Marriage.

Husband: "While I was just out mowing the lawn, a lady came by, rolled down her window, and asked me: 'Hey.. how much do you get for mowing a lawn?'"

Wife: "What did you tell her?"

Husband: "I said.. well, the lady of the house lets me sleep with her."

11. At the Bistro? (I don't think so.)

There is a sign at the cashier's station that reads: "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

A wiseguy in line pointed at the sign and said: "Believe me, if I had a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating in a joint like this."

12. Grammar.

These are the famous Brandreth's Grammatical Rules for Secretaries:

1. Don't use no double negatives.
2. Make each pronoun agree with their antecedent.
3. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
4. About them sentence fragments.
5. When dangling, watch your particles.
6. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
7. Just between you and I, case is important too.
8. Don't write run-on sentences they are hard to read.
9. Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
10. Try not to oversplit infinitives.
11. It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
12. Proofread your writing to if any words out.
13. Correct spelling is esential.

Spring is here?

It doesn't seem like it, here in Maryland in 2011, but the calendar says it's Spring. Our daffodils are up above the ground and we are waiting to see if their blossoms are pink, as we were told they would be.

Today, I give a talk on humor at the first Carroll County Chapter Meeting for the Maryland Senior Citizens Hall of Fame. I think it might be fun. Meanwhile, a month has passed since I posted jokes to this blog, so here goes:

01. Signs of Old Age from Jacqui Wilson in the HCFA/CSM Journal:

You forget names, but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.

You've never heard of most of the persons in People Magazine.

When people say you look "Great," they add: "for your age."

The five pounds you wanted to lose is now fifteen, and you have a better chance of losing your keys than losing those fifteen pounds.

Everybody whispers.

02. In-laws.

Q: What is the fifference between outlaws and in-laws?

A: Outlaws are wanted.

03. Middle-age.

Molly McGee (Fibber's wife) said that the "dangerous age" for men is when their pants get long, and their breath gets short.

04. Effects of Surgery. (From Alan Kaufman)

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."

She said, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

05. Ballet.

Archie Bunker: "I wonder about all those sissified ballet dancers, dancing on their toes. Why don't they just get taller dancers?"

06. Disease:

Henny Youngman: "My doctor told me I had shingles, and he threw me off the roof."

07. Bumper Sticker:

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer!

08. Puzzled grave seeker.

Man in Graveyard: "I'm looking for the grave of the man who invented the crossword puzzle. You know, people visit it all the time and leave little gifts. Can you tell me where it is?

Graveyard Attendant: "Yes, it's easy to find. Go 2 down and 3 across.

09. Marriage.

Little Boy: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

Father: "I don't know, son. I'm still paying."

10. Men and Women.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

11. Gravestone.

A nagging wife had this gravestone placed over her deceased husband's grave:

RIP -- Until We Meet Again

12. The New CEO

(This classic showed up in my email.. maybe from Bonnie Ciborowski.)

A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked: "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Delivery guy from Pizza Hut."

...........................................................................................................................

Unbelievably Hilarious Jokes for February 2011

Here are some more jokes I have accumulated over the years.

01. Geezer and wife.

Elaine and I went to the movies the other night and half-way through I had to get down on the floor. Elaine asked: "What are you doing down there?"

---I replied: "I'm looking for my caramel candy." Elaine said: "Yuk! Why do you want that dirty candy?" To which I responded: "My teeth are in it!"

02. Astrology.

"What sign were you born under?"

"No trespassing!"

03. Diet.

When I eat sugar, I break out in fat all over my body.

......

(The next item is attributed to Charles Lubetkin in some magazine.. it was probably an old Readers Digest.)

04. Kansas?

"We had taken our daughter to see The Wizard of Oz. During the movie, we heard people whispering that a heavy snowfall had started, and we decided to leave before driving became hazardous. As we dashed out of the theater, the manager looked at us quizzically.

'We're off to flee the blizzard!' my wife called out to him."

05. Husbands.

A husband was sent by his wife to buy her a bra, but he lost the note with the size written on it. The clerk asked: "What size?"

He said: "I don't know."

Clerk: "Grapefruit?"

Husband: "No."

Clerk: "Oranges?"

Husband: "No."

Clerk: "Eggs?"

Husband: "Yes, fried."

.......

(The next five were given to me by our good AARP friend, Louise Miller.)

06. Kids.

While on vacation with my son and his family, I shared a room with my 4 year old granddaughter. In the morning, when she awoke, she told me that she had had some nice dreams. I told her that I wished that I was able to dream like she does. She said: "But you can't, Grandma, because you snore too much."

07. Geezer response.

A man who volunteers to entertain patients in a local hospital told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides. When he finished, he said, "I hope you get better." One of the elderly male patients replied: "I hope you get better too."

08. Husbands and wives.

The owner of a new car was reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession, even a few short blocks. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed: "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."

09. Husbands and wives.

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both unwilling to admit that they might be in error.

"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband, "if you'll admit I'm right."

He agreed, and like a gentleman, insisted that she go first.

"I'm wrong," she said.

Without pausing, he responded, "You're right!"

10. Geezer response.

An elderly patient in a nursing home asked every nurse the same question: "Where am I?"

The answer was always, "You're at Chesnut Hill."

One day, a particularly harried nurse was stopped. "Where am I?" asked the old man.

Exasperated, the nurse answered: "In Heaven!" Without blinking an eye, the elderly patient replied: "Oh, thank God! I thought I was still at Chestnut Hill!"

..............

(The next two jokes were sent to me via EMAIL. I have no idea who originated them, but I thank whoever thought them up because I think they are wonderfully funny.)

11. Funeral for a farm wife.

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later) she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.

---Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and one. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head and killed her dead on the spot.

---At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consisten, the minister wanted to ask the old man about it.

---After the funeral, the minister asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd not my head in agreement."

---"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

---"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

12. The nun.

A nun was sitting in the airport, waiting for her flight to Baltimore. She looked over in a corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. She thought: "I'll give it a try and see what it tells me."

---She went over to the machine, stepped on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You are a nun, you weigh 140 pounds, and you are going to Baltimore."

The nun sat back down and thought: "That machine probably gives the same card to everyone." Curious, she decided to try it again.

---She went back to the machine, again put in a nickel, and out came another card. "You are a nun, you weigh 140 pounds, you are going to Baltimore, and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life."

---She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a grizzled cowboy came over and sat down, putting a fiddle case in the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out his fiddle, and started playing beautiful music. Surprized at what she had done, she looked over at the machine thinking: "This is incredible! I've got to try this again."

---She went back to the machine, put her nickel in, and another card came out.

"You are a nun, you weigh 140 pounds, you are going to Baltimore, and you are going to break wind."

---Now she knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life." But as she stepped off the machine, she slipped, and as she was straining to keep from falling on the floor, she broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine and said to herself: "This is truly remarkable. I'll have to try it again."

---She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read: "You are a nun, you weigh 140 pounds, you have fiddled and farted around and now you have missed your flight to Baltimore."

...................................................................................................................

Jokes of a Certain Age

As I try to get organized, I often come across jokes that I have forgotten. This batch comes from the early 2000's, so be kind.. they are pretty old.

01. Sign.

We saw this mysterious sign in the window of a restaurant in Cambridge, Maryland.

STEAMED CRABS - Applications accepted.

02. Poverty.

I was so poor as a kid, I couldn't afford a kite. I had to tie a string to a seagull instead.

03. Widower.

When I was a new widower, I tried to use the waffle iron. I ruined 2 pairs of pants.

...................
I know, I know.. I'm starting out real slow.
..................

04. Diet.

Well, now I've been on a diet for 4 weeks and I've lost 28 days.

05. Duck.

A duck goes into a fast food restaurant and asks: "Got any duck food?"

The clerk says: "No."

The duck goes out and comes back in and says: "Got any duck food?"

The clerk says: "I told you .. No! Go away!"

The duck goes out and comes back in and says: "Got any duck food?"

The exasperated clerk says: "Look.. I don't have any duck food. Go away or I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!"

The duck goes out and comes back in and says: "Got any nails?"

The clerk yells: "NO!"

The duck says: "Good! Got any duck food?"

06. Automobiles.


"Can you name four cars that start with 'P'?"


"No.. cars start with gasoline."


07. Nosey.


A guy was walking by a mental institution surrounded by a high fence and he heard someone saying: "13, 13, 13, 13." He was very curious and spotted a knothole in the fence. He put his eye up to it, and then he heard: "14, 14, 14, 14."


08. Dog.



A man was sitting next to a gallon of gas that he had in a bucket. Suddenly, a dog came up and drank some of the gasoline, and then began to run around and around and around.. and finally fell over on the ground. A passer-by asked: "Is he dead?"

The man replied: "No, he just ran out of gas."


09. Study.


A recent study by the University of Maryland found that women laugh much more than men.

And do you know what they laugh about? MEN.


10. Slightly naughty.



"Why is that blind man's leg yellow?"

"Because his dog is blind too."



11. A little naughtier.



A lady of the night approached a senior citizen passing by. "Hey, would you like super sex?"

The old man replied: "I'll take the soup."

12. Toastmasters.


Sylvia Wicker was evaluating the speech of a fellow toastmaster. At one point of her critique she said: "You had so many 'um's that I thought that I was taking Morse Code."


13. Skydiving.

Q: Why are there no blind skydivers?

A: Because it scares the devil out of the dog.


14. Playboy.


Before Hugh Hefner settled down with his current girl friend, I sent him a Christmas present: A set of His and Hers and Hers and Hers towels.


15. Grocery.

Once I thought that Grey Poupon was unscented toilet paper.


16. Politics.


Politicians are like babies.. they need to be changed often and for the same reason.


17. Politics.


The word politics comes from:



poly = many

tics = blood suckers



18. Prayer.



A boy said his prayers one night.. "God bless Grandma".. and the next day she died.



The next night the boy said: "God bless Grandpa" .. and the next day he died.



The next night the boy said: "God bless Daddy".. so Daddy got scared and stayed at work to avoid problems and came home the next day to find his wife all upset. He said: "Why?"

She replied: "I needed you, the milkman dropped dead on our doorstep."


19. Doctor.


Worried patient: "Doctor, tell me, how long do I have to live?"

Doctor: "Ten."

Patient: "Ten what?"

Doctor: "Ten, nine, eight...."


20. Widower.

As a new widower, I asked the grocer to sell me some "scratch."

He didn't know what I was asking for.

So, I told him.. my late wife always made everything "from scratch", so I need to get me some of that.

.....................................................................................
Thanks for staying with me to the end.
....................................................................................

A Little Humor

In these days of assassination by words and by bullets, we need something to cheer us up. So, here are a dozen items that I hope will make your day brighter.


01. Telephone. (from Jack Kolb)

A man called the operator from a phone booth and asked for a telephone number. After giving him the number, the operator heard horrible heavy breathing sounds and began to think that the man was having a heart attack and maybe she should connect with 911. She asked the man what was wrong, he said:

"I don't have a pen, so I'm trying to steam up the window to write the number on with my finger."

02. Texting codes. (from Joe Piechocki)

Senior citizens need some codes to use in addition to LOL and BTW. Some suggestions:

FWIW - Forgot where I was
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
IMHO - Is My Hearing-aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL... CGU - Rolling On the Floor Laughing ... and Can't Get Up

03. Cars. (From Jack Kolb)

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called the rush hour?

04. Male and Female.

God said to Adam: "I'm going to make a mate for you. She will clean your house, wash your clothes, cook your meals, and still have time to be your lover."
Adam said: "Lord, that will be great... but what will it cost me?"
God said: "An arm and a leg."
Adam said: " Oh, Lord.. well what could I get for a rib?"

05. Wisdom.

W.C. Fields: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again, and then quit. There's no use in making a fool of yourself."

06. Computers. (from: The Devil's DP Dictionary by Stan Kelly-Bootle)

consultant n. [from con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or possibly French con (vulgar) "a person of little merit" ... A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who has learned to decamp at hight speed in spite of the large briefcase and heavy wallet.... The earliest literary reference appears to be the ninth-century Arabic tale Ali Baba and the Forty Consultants.

Also, a poem from Stan:

"There are three things a man must do
Before his life is done;
Write two lines in APL,
And make the buggers run."

07. Toastmasters.

Either Allan Misch or Allan Kaufman came up with some classic Table-Topics, to test the mettle of new Toastmasters. (Table-Topics are given without warning to persons who are required to discuss each topic intelligently for one to three minutes.)

Topics to Discuss:

What is chocolate soap, and how is it used?

Explain how to substitute barbed wire for dental floss.

If a BLT is bacon, lettuce and ptomaine, what is PBS?

How would you whitewash a creature from the black lagoon?

08. France.

A strict looking customs inspector in Paris asked the American traveler:
"Do you have any pictures of naked women?"
The American replied: "Oh, no sir!"
The inspector then said: "Do you want to buy some?"

09. Kids. (from Stephen Flocks)

My father's hearing aid occasionally emits a brief high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him. One day my little niece was sitting on his lap when the device started to beep. Surprised, my niece looked up at him. "Grandpa," she said, "you've got mail."

10. Kids (source unknown)

There was a little boy who prayed fervently for two weeks, asking God for $100. When he got no answer, he thought maybe he would write to God to see if that would work. When the post office received the letter addressed to "GOD, USA" they thought it would be best to just forward the letter to President Clinton. The President thought it was so cute that he had his secretary send the boy $5, thinking that a little kid would think that was a lot of money.

When the boy got the money, he was so excited that he sat down right away to write a thank-you note to God: "Dear God, Thank you very much for the money you sent. I suppose it's to be expected, but I just thought you should know that when you sent it through Washington, D.C., the bastards deducted $95.

11. TV. (from Milton Berle)

"Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together."

12. Faces.

Bill found a mirror. He looked into it and said: "Wow! I've found a picture of my old puppy." He took it home and put it in his closet for safe keeping. His wife saw him put the mirror away, and when he left, she took it out and when she looked into it, she said: "Aha! So that's the old witch he's been chasing!"

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