If you are feeling a little blue this season, try a few of these jokes and see if they pick you up a bit. Some are from a guy named Paul Seipp, who does music and comical patter, Steve Allen, Louise Miller, and one is from Pastor Jimmy (Carroll Lutheran Village) ... guess which one..
01. Aging.
1st guy: "I have a new hearing aid."
2nd guy: "What kind is it?"
1st guy: "Three O'clock."
02. Marriage.
If my wife sees anything "marked down", she buys it. Last week, she came home with 8 dresses and one escalator.
03. Marriage.
My wife had plastic surgery last week. I cut up her credit cards.
04. Ten Commandments.
A preacher addressed his congregation: "Yesterday, I had my bicycle stolen and today I decided to talk about the Ten Commandments, especially the one that says: Thou shalt not steal."
Part of the way into his sermon, at the commandment that states: Thou shalt not commit adultery, he suddenly stopped, and left the pulpit, saying as he went: "I just remembered where I left my bicycle."
05. The Bible.
A seller of Bibles was the top salesman for months. Other less successful sellers wanted to know his secret, since he was a very bad stutterer. He told them: "I j-j-just ask people: do you want to b-b-buy a B-B-Bible, or d-d-do you want me to read it to you?"
06. Logic.
A professor, trying to emphasize a point in logic, asked his class: "If the U.S. is bounded on the north by Canada, on the west by the Pacific Ocean, on the east by the Atlantic Ocean, and on the south by Mexico, how old am I?"
Everybody was stumped except for the class dumbbell who said: "You are 44 years old."
The amazed professor said: "That's right! How did you figure that out?"
The student said: "That's easy. I have a brother who is 1/2 as nuts as you and he's 22."
07. More Logic.
A teacher asked Jim: "How much is ten times eight?"
Jim: "Monday."
Teacher: "That's silly. Billy, how much is ten times eight?"
Billy: "Watermelon."
Teacher: "That's silly too. Joey, how much is ten times eight?"
Joey: "Eighty."
Teacher: "That's right, Joey. Now tell the class how you got that answer."
Joey: "Well, I subtracted Monday from Watermelon."
08. Marriage:
A 92 year old gentleman brought his 18 year old girlfriend to the church to be married.
The priest said: "The baptismal font is on the other side of the church."
Old man: "What do I want with the font?"
Priest: "Oh, I beg your pardon, I thought you had brought this child to be baptised."
09. Even more logic.
A teacher told her class: "You all saw the worm swimming happily in the glass of water. But when I put the worm in a glass of alcohol, it died. What does that prove?"
Student: If you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."
10. Marriage.
Question: Why do men die before women?
Answer: Self-defence.
11. Recipe file.
Question: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Answer: You can roast beef, but you cannot pee soup.
12. Military.
Question: When you were in the Army, did you get a commission?
Answer: No.. just straight pay.
Bonus!
Aging logic.
An elderly couple visited a doctor and complained about their sex life. The doctor examined them and gave them some advice and told them to go into an adjoining little room and try it out. They came back after a long time and told the doctor that it worked fine, and left.
A month later, the couple returned with the same complaint. The doctor repeated the procedure and had them go into the little room. Once again, the couple reported satisfaction and started to leave. The doctor stopped them and said that perhaps the strange surrondings were stimulating and that maybe next time they should try a motel room instead.
The elderly lady replied that they had been doing that before, but the motel room cost $50, whereas his fee was $100, and they got back $90 from Medicare.
........................................................................................................
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
Some Jokes for December 2010
01. Restaurants: A woman called a restaurant to make a 7:00 pm reservation. The hostess said: "I'm sorry, but all we have open is 6:45 pm. Would you like that?"
"That's fine," replied the woman.
"O.K." said the hostess, and added: "By the way, there usually is a 15 minutes wait for a table."
02. Aging: An old lady showed up naked at a flower show and won first place in "Best Dried Arrangement."
03. Restaurants: Two ladies met for lunch in an expensive restaurant. They decided to order coffee and then eat a sandwich they had made at home and brought with them. The manager of the restaurant saw what they were doing and said: "Ladies, you can't eat your own sandwiches here." So they both looked at each other and exchanged sandwiches.
04. Arthritis: A noted arthritis doctor had a waiting room full of patients. One of them was a little old lady, bent almost in half, who shuffled slowly into the doctor's office, leaning heavily on her cane.
Within five minutes, she came back out, walking perfectly erect. Another woman in the waiting room who had seen this, went up to the little old lady and said: "You walked into the doctor's office all bent over, and now you are all right. That doctor must be amazing! What did he do?"
The little old lady replied: "He gave me a longer cane."
05. More Kids' wisdom: These questions and answers came to me from Bonnie Ciborowski:
Q: How do you decide who to marry?
A#1: You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. (from Alan, age 10)
A#2: No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it
all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. (from Kirsten, age 10)
Q: How would you make a marriage work?
A: Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. (from Ricky, age 10)
06. More kid stuff: A small boy was lost in a giant shopping mall. He went up to a policeman and said: "I've lost my grandpa."
The cop asked: "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a couple of seconds and then replied: "Budweiser Beer and women with big butts."
07. Eyesight:
Patient: "Doctor, I think I need glasses."
Teller: "You certainly do! This is a bank.
08. Police: A sample of responses to motorists stopped by the state police:
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"I'm glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someboday who can post your bail."
"Relax. I know the handcuffs are tight. That's because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"You didn't think that we give pretty women tickets?.. You're right, we don't... sign here."
09. Religion.
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
The nun replies: "My son, you cannot offend me."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
The nun replies: "Well, let's see. But first, you have to be single and a Catholic."
The cab driver excitedly says: "Yes, I'm a single Catholic."
The nun says: "OK. Pull over into the next alley."
They kiss like naughty teen-agers.
Back on the road, the cabbie starts to cry.
The nun says: "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me for I've sinned. I lied. I'm really married and I'm a Baptist."
The nun says: "That's OK. My name is Bill, and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."
10. Firemen: Why do fire companies all have dalmations?
Because they use them to find the fire hydrants.
11. More Kid stuff:
Math teacher: "Billie, what are 4 and 8 and 32 and 61?"
Billie: "NBC, CNN, HBO and the Discovery Channel."
12. Religion: A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. He says: "Cold floors!"
Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He says: "Bad food!"
Seven more years pass. Once again they ask for his two words. He says: "I quit!"
"That's fine, " the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
................................................
"That's fine," replied the woman.
"O.K." said the hostess, and added: "By the way, there usually is a 15 minutes wait for a table."
02. Aging: An old lady showed up naked at a flower show and won first place in "Best Dried Arrangement."
03. Restaurants: Two ladies met for lunch in an expensive restaurant. They decided to order coffee and then eat a sandwich they had made at home and brought with them. The manager of the restaurant saw what they were doing and said: "Ladies, you can't eat your own sandwiches here." So they both looked at each other and exchanged sandwiches.
04. Arthritis: A noted arthritis doctor had a waiting room full of patients. One of them was a little old lady, bent almost in half, who shuffled slowly into the doctor's office, leaning heavily on her cane.
Within five minutes, she came back out, walking perfectly erect. Another woman in the waiting room who had seen this, went up to the little old lady and said: "You walked into the doctor's office all bent over, and now you are all right. That doctor must be amazing! What did he do?"
The little old lady replied: "He gave me a longer cane."
05. More Kids' wisdom: These questions and answers came to me from Bonnie Ciborowski:
Q: How do you decide who to marry?
A#1: You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. (from Alan, age 10)
A#2: No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it
all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. (from Kirsten, age 10)
Q: How would you make a marriage work?
A: Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. (from Ricky, age 10)
06. More kid stuff: A small boy was lost in a giant shopping mall. He went up to a policeman and said: "I've lost my grandpa."
The cop asked: "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a couple of seconds and then replied: "Budweiser Beer and women with big butts."
07. Eyesight:
Patient: "Doctor, I think I need glasses."
Teller: "You certainly do! This is a bank.
08. Police: A sample of responses to motorists stopped by the state police:
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"I'm glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someboday who can post your bail."
"Relax. I know the handcuffs are tight. That's because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"You didn't think that we give pretty women tickets?.. You're right, we don't... sign here."
09. Religion.
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
The nun replies: "My son, you cannot offend me."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
The nun replies: "Well, let's see. But first, you have to be single and a Catholic."
The cab driver excitedly says: "Yes, I'm a single Catholic."
The nun says: "OK. Pull over into the next alley."
They kiss like naughty teen-agers.
Back on the road, the cabbie starts to cry.
The nun says: "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me for I've sinned. I lied. I'm really married and I'm a Baptist."
The nun says: "That's OK. My name is Bill, and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."
10. Firemen: Why do fire companies all have dalmations?
Because they use them to find the fire hydrants.
11. More Kid stuff:
Math teacher: "Billie, what are 4 and 8 and 32 and 61?"
Billie: "NBC, CNN, HBO and the Discovery Channel."
12. Religion: A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. He says: "Cold floors!"
Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He says: "Bad food!"
Seven more years pass. Once again they ask for his two words. He says: "I quit!"
"That's fine, " the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
................................................
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Post-Election Jokes
Now that the elections are over, comedians across the U.S. will be having fun picking on the newly elected as well as the out-going folks. I won't do that, I will just tell a few old jokes that you probably have heard many times before, and maybe a couple that you haven't heard before.
01. YMCA. A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst out into shrieks, with the ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked: "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
02. Vital question. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
03. Religion. Joke from Bill Engelhardt: A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since leavened bread is forbidden during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzo, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.
A little later, a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.
The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"
04. Religion. An Irish priest was driving down to New York and got stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said: "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," said the priest.
The trooper said, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
05. Computer poem. (attributed to Bill Gates, but I doubt it.)
The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online'.
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy', 'Scan', and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!
06. Truisms.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
Dijon vu ... the same mustard as before.
That name Pavlov rings a bell.
When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
07. Religion.
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked: "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 40 years to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. She even changed her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on the way home, she was hit and killed by a truck.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the truck?"
God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
08. Women. Middle age is when you go prematurely blond.
09. Marriage. A woman finally got married at the age of 89. Her friend asked her:
"Is he handsome?" ... "No."
"Is he rich?" ... "No."
"Is he fun?"... "No."
"Then why did you marry him?"... "Because he can drive at night."
10. Money. The owner of a small business was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Maryland, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 15%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
11. Mothers. (Perhaps from Henny Youngman.)
A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son asked: "Why are you so weak?"
She said: "Because I haven't eaten in 40 days."
The son asked: "Why haven't you eaten in 40 days?"
The mother answered: "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
12. More questions.
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a man who invests all your money called a broker?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it: FED UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
..............................................................................................
01. YMCA. A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst out into shrieks, with the ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked: "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
02. Vital question. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
03. Religion. Joke from Bill Engelhardt: A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since leavened bread is forbidden during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzo, a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.
A little later, a blind man came by and sat down next to him. Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.
The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"
04. Religion. An Irish priest was driving down to New York and got stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said: "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," said the priest.
The trooper said, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
05. Computer poem. (attributed to Bill Gates, but I doubt it.)
The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true.
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online'.
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy', 'Scan', and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me!
06. Truisms.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
Dijon vu ... the same mustard as before.
That name Pavlov rings a bell.
When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
07. Religion.
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked: "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 40 years to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. She even changed her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on the way home, she was hit and killed by a truck.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the truck?"
God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
08. Women. Middle age is when you go prematurely blond.
09. Marriage. A woman finally got married at the age of 89. Her friend asked her:
"Is he handsome?" ... "No."
"Is he rich?" ... "No."
"Is he fun?"... "No."
"Then why did you marry him?"... "Because he can drive at night."
10. Money. The owner of a small business was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Maryland, and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 15%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
11. Mothers. (Perhaps from Henny Youngman.)
A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son asked: "Why are you so weak?"
She said: "Because I haven't eaten in 40 days."
The son asked: "Why haven't you eaten in 40 days?"
The mother answered: "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
12. More questions.
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a man who invests all your money called a broker?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it: FED UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
..............................................................................................
Thursday, October 28, 2010
How about a little less negativity?
Most of you, like me, are probably completely fed up with the excessively negative political ads this year. Why don't you take a few minutes to read some jokes and perhaps have a laugh to counter those depressing ads, at least for a while.
01. Finances. A lady went to a bank drive-through teller and asked to have a check cashed. The teller asked her if she had an account there. She said "No", so the teller asked to see her license. So she put the car in gear andd drove forwards and backwards.
02. Military. General Von Steuben addressed his soldiers at Valley Forge. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are all going to have a change of underwear. The bad news is that Bill will change with Joe, Joe with Jim, and, etc."
03. Landscaping. The only time my lawn looks as good as my neighbor's is when there is a snow storm. (from the BBC's My Word.)
04. Driving: A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove over the curb, and stopped inches away from a plate glass window.
Finally, the shaking cab driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylight out of me." The passenger apologized but said that he wouldn't have thought that a mere tap on the shoulder would scare him so much.
The driver replied, "Oh, no, its all my fault. Today is my first day driving a taxi. I've been driving a hearse for the past 20 years."
(stolen from the Westminster Senior Center Chatterbox)
05. Debt. The President of a South American country died and had a very large funeral, at which a letter from the Presiden't was read. In it, he accused his three Vice Presidents of cheating him out of some of the government's funds that were to be used for his personal use.
The first VP got up and said he was sorry for what he had done and said that he would put 50% of the ill-gotten money into the coffin, to be buried with the President, and he placed the cash in the coffin. The second VP felt even worse and put 2/3rds of the cash he had pilfered into the coffin. The third VP said that he felt even more sorry than the others and would put 100% of his debt into the coffin. So, the third VP wrote a check for the full amount and put it into the coffin.
06. Aging: Bonnie Ciborowski sent this to me some time ago.
"Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you are barefoot.
"Old" is when going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"Old" is when you get cautioned to slow down by the doctor, instead of by the policeman.
"Old" is when "Getty Lucky" means you are able to find your car in the parking lot.
07. Bible. More bible quotes from children:
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was, by profession a taxi driver.
08. Life. Poem:
I get up in the morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead,
So, I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
09. Letha's jokes.
My wonderful secretary, Letha Alston, passed away in 2006. I noted a memorial about her in the Baltimore Sun the other day, and it reminded me of some truisms that she told me.
"The easiest way to stay awake during an afternoon dinner speech, is to deliver it."
"Middle age is when your narrow waist and broad mind begin to change places."
"You know you've reached middle age when weight lifting consists of just standing up."
How true!
As I've said elsewhere, Letha sent me a birthday card one day that read: "You remind me of Chinese food... Egg Foo Old!"
10. Marriage.
There are three rings that are important in a husband's life:
1. Engagement ring.
2. Wedding ring.
3. Suffering.
11. Truisms. Thoughts for delivery at an AARP meeting:
Good friends are hard to come by. When you need them, they hardly come by.
Happy wife, happy life.
Just think, if you're having a senior moment.. you are still alive!
As Liz Taylor said to her 8th husband: "I won't keep you long."
She went to Penn State, and her husband went to the State Pen.
What is so significant about your "other?"
12. Kids.
A woman was trying hard to get ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang and her four year old daughter answered it. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother and then said to the minister: "Mommy can't come to the phone right now, she's hitting the bottle."
Bye for now and have a funny day!
...............................................................................................................................
01. Finances. A lady went to a bank drive-through teller and asked to have a check cashed. The teller asked her if she had an account there. She said "No", so the teller asked to see her license. So she put the car in gear andd drove forwards and backwards.
02. Military. General Von Steuben addressed his soldiers at Valley Forge. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are all going to have a change of underwear. The bad news is that Bill will change with Joe, Joe with Jim, and, etc."
03. Landscaping. The only time my lawn looks as good as my neighbor's is when there is a snow storm. (from the BBC's My Word.)
04. Driving: A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove over the curb, and stopped inches away from a plate glass window.
Finally, the shaking cab driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylight out of me." The passenger apologized but said that he wouldn't have thought that a mere tap on the shoulder would scare him so much.
The driver replied, "Oh, no, its all my fault. Today is my first day driving a taxi. I've been driving a hearse for the past 20 years."
(stolen from the Westminster Senior Center Chatterbox)
05. Debt. The President of a South American country died and had a very large funeral, at which a letter from the Presiden't was read. In it, he accused his three Vice Presidents of cheating him out of some of the government's funds that were to be used for his personal use.
The first VP got up and said he was sorry for what he had done and said that he would put 50% of the ill-gotten money into the coffin, to be buried with the President, and he placed the cash in the coffin. The second VP felt even worse and put 2/3rds of the cash he had pilfered into the coffin. The third VP said that he felt even more sorry than the others and would put 100% of his debt into the coffin. So, the third VP wrote a check for the full amount and put it into the coffin.
06. Aging: Bonnie Ciborowski sent this to me some time ago.
"Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you are barefoot.
"Old" is when going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"Old" is when you get cautioned to slow down by the doctor, instead of by the policeman.
"Old" is when "Getty Lucky" means you are able to find your car in the parking lot.
07. Bible. More bible quotes from children:
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was, by profession a taxi driver.
08. Life. Poem:
I get up in the morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead,
So, I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
09. Letha's jokes.
My wonderful secretary, Letha Alston, passed away in 2006. I noted a memorial about her in the Baltimore Sun the other day, and it reminded me of some truisms that she told me.
"The easiest way to stay awake during an afternoon dinner speech, is to deliver it."
"Middle age is when your narrow waist and broad mind begin to change places."
"You know you've reached middle age when weight lifting consists of just standing up."
How true!
As I've said elsewhere, Letha sent me a birthday card one day that read: "You remind me of Chinese food... Egg Foo Old!"
10. Marriage.
There are three rings that are important in a husband's life:
1. Engagement ring.
2. Wedding ring.
3. Suffering.
11. Truisms. Thoughts for delivery at an AARP meeting:
Good friends are hard to come by. When you need them, they hardly come by.
Happy wife, happy life.
Just think, if you're having a senior moment.. you are still alive!
As Liz Taylor said to her 8th husband: "I won't keep you long."
She went to Penn State, and her husband went to the State Pen.
What is so significant about your "other?"
12. Kids.
A woman was trying hard to get ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang and her four year old daughter answered it. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother and then said to the minister: "Mommy can't come to the phone right now, she's hitting the bottle."
Bye for now and have a funny day!
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Saturday, October 9, 2010
Jokes for October 8, 2010
Let's try some more items that I think are humorous. I hope you do too.
01. The Bible. Remarks by some Sunday School kids.. I don't know the source.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
The people who followed the Lord were called the twelve decibels.
Joshua fit the battle of Geritol.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, and a ball of fire at night.
The wives of the apostles are called epistles.
Moses died before he came to Canada.
David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Bible times.
The three wise guys came from the east side.
The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam: Eat this apple!
02. Getting Older: From My Aunt Mary:
An 80 year old woman has 4 boy friends. She rises with Big Ben, takes a walk with Paul Bunyan, comes home with Charlie Hoss, and goes to bed with Ben Gay.
03. Getting Older: My Aunt Mary could have added a couple of other boy friends:
Will Power helps the lady get out of bed and Arthur Ritis visits during the day. And, of course, she gets to visit John quite often.
04. Getting Older:
My preacher says that at my age, I should be thinking about the here-after. I told him I do think about it all the time. No matter where I am, I ask myself: "Now, what am I here after?"
05. Getting Older:
Old folks are rich in precious resources. They have silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their stomach.
06. Religion:
After a very long-winded Sunday church service, the minister approached a parishioner who had left during the sermon and returned later.
"Where did you go?" asked the minister.
"I went to the barber for a haircut," said the man.
"Why didn't you do that before you came to church? asked the minister.
"Well, I didn't need one then," said the man.
07. Religion:
A gentleman that I came to know in the Air Force told this at a bon-fire gathering one night in Germany. It is best told in African-American dialect.
At an outdoor camp meeting the crowd was getting quite excited because of the preacher's oratory. Some of the ladies were even dancing around quite actively. One of the lady, who was rather heavy-set was bouncing up and down. Suddenly, a twenty dollar bill flew out of her bosom and landed on the floor. The preacher took notice of this, but there may have been another brother who may have seen the occurence, so the preacher carried on:
"You have read in the Bible that if you have not seen, but still believe, I will abide with you later; but I also say unto you, if you who have seen, and believe that you have seen, and keep your big mouth shut.. I will divide with you later."
08. Getting Older:
Three old guys went to a doctor's office for a memory test.
Doctor: "What is 2 x 2?
First guy: "198"
Doctor: "What is 2 x 2?"
Second guy: "Thursday."
Doctor: "What is 2 x 2?"
Third guy: "4"
Doctor: "Good! How did you get that answer?"
Third guy: "I subtracted Thursday from 198."
09. Marriage:
A woman calls her husband at work:
Wife: "I've got good news and bad news."
Husband: "Give me the good news first."
Wife: "The airbag works."
10. Kids:
Bernie Handley, a good friend from the Social Security Administration told me this:
Bernie's 4 year old granddaughter likes to play "wedding".
One day, she was playing it with Bernie and she told Bernie:
"Don't peek, I'm going to put on my wedding dress and you be the groom and put on your torpedo!"
..................................................................................................................................
01. The Bible. Remarks by some Sunday School kids.. I don't know the source.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
The people who followed the Lord were called the twelve decibels.
Joshua fit the battle of Geritol.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, and a ball of fire at night.
The wives of the apostles are called epistles.
Moses died before he came to Canada.
David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Bible times.
The three wise guys came from the east side.
The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam: Eat this apple!
02. Getting Older: From My Aunt Mary:
An 80 year old woman has 4 boy friends. She rises with Big Ben, takes a walk with Paul Bunyan, comes home with Charlie Hoss, and goes to bed with Ben Gay.
03. Getting Older: My Aunt Mary could have added a couple of other boy friends:
Will Power helps the lady get out of bed and Arthur Ritis visits during the day. And, of course, she gets to visit John quite often.
04. Getting Older:
My preacher says that at my age, I should be thinking about the here-after. I told him I do think about it all the time. No matter where I am, I ask myself: "Now, what am I here after?"
05. Getting Older:
Old folks are rich in precious resources. They have silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their stomach.
06. Religion:
After a very long-winded Sunday church service, the minister approached a parishioner who had left during the sermon and returned later.
"Where did you go?" asked the minister.
"I went to the barber for a haircut," said the man.
"Why didn't you do that before you came to church? asked the minister.
"Well, I didn't need one then," said the man.
07. Religion:
A gentleman that I came to know in the Air Force told this at a bon-fire gathering one night in Germany. It is best told in African-American dialect.
At an outdoor camp meeting the crowd was getting quite excited because of the preacher's oratory. Some of the ladies were even dancing around quite actively. One of the lady, who was rather heavy-set was bouncing up and down. Suddenly, a twenty dollar bill flew out of her bosom and landed on the floor. The preacher took notice of this, but there may have been another brother who may have seen the occurence, so the preacher carried on:
"You have read in the Bible that if you have not seen, but still believe, I will abide with you later; but I also say unto you, if you who have seen, and believe that you have seen, and keep your big mouth shut.. I will divide with you later."
08. Getting Older:
Three old guys went to a doctor's office for a memory test.
Doctor: "What is 2 x 2?
First guy: "198"
Doctor: "What is 2 x 2?"
Second guy: "Thursday."
Doctor: "What is 2 x 2?"
Third guy: "4"
Doctor: "Good! How did you get that answer?"
Third guy: "I subtracted Thursday from 198."
09. Marriage:
A woman calls her husband at work:
Wife: "I've got good news and bad news."
Husband: "Give me the good news first."
Wife: "The airbag works."
10. Kids:
Bernie Handley, a good friend from the Social Security Administration told me this:
Bernie's 4 year old granddaughter likes to play "wedding".
One day, she was playing it with Bernie and she told Bernie:
"Don't peek, I'm going to put on my wedding dress and you be the groom and put on your torpedo!"
..................................................................................................................................
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Some Jokes to Start
The world needs more laughter, so I am setting up a new blog as a vehicle for passing on jokes, puns and other humorous stuff. I believe that all of material I plan to post is in the public domain; at least, I don't have the faintest idea where most of it came from.. and if I ever find out, I will share that information with you. I've been collecting what I think is humorous material for fifty years and now it is time to share it with y'all, whether you want me to, or not.
01. Christmas:
There will no longer be nativity scenes in Washington, D.C. Nobody is complaining about that because everyone knows that it has now become impossible to find three wise men and a virgin in our nation's capitol. However, there are still plenty of asses available for the stable.
02. Marriage:
Husband: "My wife handles all the smaill decisions and I handle all the big ones."
Friend: "Give me an example."
Husband: "Well, we haven't had any big ones yet."
03. Marriage:
They had a very short marriage, they fought over custody of the wedding cake.
04. Homework:
Teacher: "Wieso kommst du denn schon wieder zu spaet, Jens?"
Jens:: "Ich bin auf dem Schulweg ueberfallen worden!"
Teacher: "Was? Wurde dir etwas geraubt?"
Jens: "Ja, zum Glueck aber nur die Hausaufgaben!"
01. Christmas:
There will no longer be nativity scenes in Washington, D.C. Nobody is complaining about that because everyone knows that it has now become impossible to find three wise men and a virgin in our nation's capitol. However, there are still plenty of asses available for the stable.
02. Marriage:
Husband: "My wife handles all the smaill decisions and I handle all the big ones."
Friend: "Give me an example."
Husband: "Well, we haven't had any big ones yet."
03. Marriage:
They had a very short marriage, they fought over custody of the wedding cake.
04. Homework:
Teacher: "Wieso kommst du denn schon wieder zu spaet, Jens?"
Jens:: "Ich bin auf dem Schulweg ueberfallen worden!"
Teacher: "Was? Wurde dir etwas geraubt?"
Jens: "Ja, zum Glueck aber nur die Hausaufgaben!"
05. Introductions:
Speaker Joe Vaughan: "You don't need to give me a long introduction."
Toastmaster: "O.K."
Toastmaster: "Our speaker today is Joe Vaughan, and the less said about him the better."
06. Cross:
Q. What do you get if you cross an apeman with a zebra?
A. Tarzan stripes forever.
07. Trickery:
Q. How do you keep a turkey in suspence?
A. I'll tell you tomorrow.
08. Marriage:
A 96 year old man and a 93 year old woman are about to get married. The groom goes into a drug store and tells the manager that because he is getting married, he needs Viagra, heart medicine, vitamin pills, hernia aids, etc, etc.
The drug store manager says: "Well then, can we set up a registry for you?"
09. Aging:
Because the population is aging, the Gallop Poll will now be called the Walker Poll.
10. Aging:
There are certain signs that you are getting old. The other day I walked past a cemetery and two guys ran after me with shovels.
11. Aging:
The best part of living to 103.. there is no peer pressure.
12. Aging:
Customer: "What do you have for gray hair?"
Barber: "A lot of respect."
13. History:
Jim: "What do you think of a man who goes horseback riding at 3 o'clock in the morning?"
Bill: "I would say that he is very eccentric."
Jim: "So.. poking fun at Paul Revere, are you?"
14. Fish:
A baby sardine sees a submarine and races to his mama sardine.
Mama sardine says: "Don't be scared.. it's just a can of people."
15. Money:
I lent my friend $100 for plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like.
16. Animals:
Man1: "Help! An alligator just bit off my leg!"
Man2: "Which one?"
Man1: "I don't know, alligators all look alike to me."
17. Naughty:
Woman1: "So, how's your sex life?"
Woman2: "Nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
Woman1: "Social Security sex?"
Woman2: "Yeah.. I get a little each month, but not enough to live on."
18. Cheapness:
He's so cheap that when he eats asparagus at a restaurant, he leaves the tip.
19. Office:
I swallowed a rubber band and have been making snap decisions all day.
20. Animals:
An angry dog walks into a bar and says: "I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw!"
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