1. Bus Driver Religious Joke #1
On our crab feast ride today, the driver, Ken, who works for Rill's Bus Company, told the following joke, in which he included the name of a well-known clergyman in Carroll County Maryland.
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Sister Margaret was driving through a small town, delivering donated medical equipment to sickly shut-ins, when her car ran out of gas. Being an independent person, she walked to the Gas Station, about a quarter of a mile away.
The attendant told her that his only gasoline can was on loan to a customer and there was no container in the shop that could hold gasoline.
Undeterred, Sister Margaret trekked back to her car and uncovered the only thing available that could hold fluid.. a bed pan. Holding it under her arm, she walked back to the station and got it filled with gasoline.
As she got back to her car, and was filling the gas tank from the bed pan, Reverend Lou Piel drove by, and stopped to observe. He looked on in astonishment and turned to his wife and said: "If that car starts after this, I'm converting!"
2. Bus Driver Religious Joke #2
Ken was now on a roll and followed up with another joke.
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A young boy was standing in the back of a church looking at a long list of names. Just then, the Preacher walked by and the boy asked what the list was all about. The Preacher said: That is a list of the people who died in the service."
The boy asked: "Was that the 9:30 service or the 11 am service?"
3. The Genie
Since I'm naming actual people in this blog entry, let me tell a joke that I believe was first told to an audience by Hermine Saunders, another famous Carroll County Maryland personage.
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A guy was walking along a beach and found a bottle. As he rubbed the sand off of it with his handkerchief, a Genie appeared. Since the Genie was only a Genie Third Class, he could only offer the finder one wish.
The man thought very long and hard, and finally came up with a wish.
"Since I hate to fly, but love Hawaii, I want you to build me a bridge across the Pacific, so I can drive there."
The Genie thought very long and hard, and finally said that building a bridge like that would use up tons and tons of resources, require travel plazas, hotels, and restaurants. He wondered if the man could perhaps come up with a different wish.
So, the man sat down and once again thought very long and hard, and finally came up with a new wish.
"I would like you to make me able to understand women."
The Genie immediately responded: "Would you like two or four lanes?"
4. Grouchy Lady Version #1
Roy Chiavacci, Executive Vice President of the place I live, Carroll Lutheran Village, is a masterful joke teller. I've stolen some of his jokes before to be put into this blog. This is how he kind of told this joke recently at the Village.
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A lady had been very grouchy and grumpy lately. Her husband talked her into having a medical checkup to find out what was wrong.
At the end of the session, the Doctor and the man's wife came out of the examination room, and the Doctor suddenly grabbed the lady in his arms and gave her a big voluptuous kiss. He then said: "This is what your wife needs. And she needs it three times a week."
The husband then said: "Well, I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays, but I'll have to get somebody else to bring her in on Friday."
5. Grouchy Lady Version #2
My friend, Alan Kaufman, Distinguished Toastmaster and celebrated story-teller throughout the East Coast, tells this version.. which I will try to not screw up too much.
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Mr. Jones brought his wife in to see the Doctor. He told the doc that his wife has been very irritable and grouchy lately.. in fact, she has been kvetchy..
The Doctor took a look at Mrs. Jones and gave his diagnosis. He said: "This case is easy. Your wife is starved for affection. She needs some loving.. at least three times a week."
Mr. Jones said: "Well, okay, put me down for Mondays."
6. Who's on?
Someone send me the beginning of an upgraded Abbott and Costello routine:
Abbott: Computer Store, can I help you?
Costello: I want to buy a computer.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: No, this is Lou.
Abbott: Do you want Windows?
Costello: Why, is it stuffy in here?
and more of the same... you can write it yourself.
7. Picking on Women Drivers?
Wife on phone to husband: "I've got good news and bad news."
Husband: "Tell me the good news first."
Wife: "The airbag works."
8. Marriage?
A couple is lying in bed one night when the woman turns to the man and says: "I'm going to make you the happiest man in the world."
The man responded: "I'm going to miss you."
9. The Draft
A young man was not happy when he received his draft notice, and decided to give answers to the doctors' questions that would help him fail the physical.
Doctor: "What can you see on that wall over there?"
Young Man: "What wall?"
Doctor: "Congratulations! You just passed the Hearing Test."
10. The Hand Appears
This comes from a 2006 issue of Weekly World News.
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A man was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a storm.
Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop. Without thinking, the man got into the back seat, closed the door, and then realized there was no one behind the wheel!
The car started slowly and the man panicked as he looked out at the road and saw a curve coming up., Scared, he started to pray for his life.
Suddenly, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. Frozen with fear, the man watched how the hand appeared every time, right before a curve.
Gathering his strength, the passenger finally jumped from the car and ran to the nearest town. He went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the terrible experience he went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the man was serious.
About half an hour later, two men walked into the same restaurant. They looked around for a table when one said to the other, "Hey, look! That's the guy who got in the car when we were pushing it."
11. Driving
A State policeman saw an older lady drive by.. she was knitting while she drove.
He pulled his vehicle next to her and yelled: "Pull over!"
She yelled back at him with a smile, "No, cardigan."
12. Logic
Little Johnny's Kindergarten class was on a field trip to the local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the ten most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked: "Then why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
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