Some Jokes for a very windy and rainy day.

Our screens are blowing away and our trees are bending over in the wind.  Our outside grill just tipped completely over, and,  our cat SuZee is scared to death.. so now might be a good time to type a few jokes and try to cheer up.

01.  Easter riddle:

What do you call an anaesthetised rabbit?

An ether bunny.

02.  Polititical riddle:

What do you call an emotional Conservative?

An emoticon.

OK, I know.. this was a lousy way to start.  I'll try to do better.

03.  Survival.

Pat and Mike were camping in the woods and they saw a bear come into their camp.  Pat immediately started to put on his sneakers.   Mike asked him: "Why are you doing that?  Are you going to try to outrun the bear?"  Pat said: "No, I'm just going to outrun you."

04.  Health.

Pat: "Hey, Mike, I just bought a new hearing aid."
Mike:  "That's great.. what kind is it?"
Pat:  "Five O'clock."

05.  Sports.

The big animals were playing the liittle animals and at half-time, the elephant asked the centipede:
"Where were you the first half?"   The centipede replied: "Getting my ankles taped."

06.  Beer.

Four beer company executives were in a bar.

The Corona beer guy said:  "Senor, give me the crown of beer.. Corona!"

The Coors beer guy said:  "Give me a beer brewed by a mountain stream.. Coors!" 

The Budweiser guy said: "Give me a Bud!"

The Guiness guy said: "Give me a coke!"

The bartendar said: "A Coke? Why did you ask for that?"

The Guiness guy said: "Well, if the other guys aren't going to drink beer, I'm not going to either!"

07.  Old Age.

A 90 year old man was crying.  I asked him why.

He said: "I just married a 30 year old woman.  The sex is great and she washes my clothes and is an excellent cook."

"Then, why are you crying?"

"Because I can't remember where I live."

08.  Old Age.

Another 90 year old man observed a little boy sitting on the curb, crying.

Old man: "Son, why are you crying?"

Boy: "Because I can't do what the big boys do."

The old man sat down beside him and cried too.

09.  Medication.

My brother mixed up Ben Gay and Preparation H, and now his shoulder is shrinking.

10.  Doctor's advice.

Baltimore Man:  "Doctor, how can I improve my sex life?"

Hopkins Doctor:  "Jog everyday for three hours, and call me in ten days."

Call:  Doctor:  "Well, how is your sex life now?"

Call:  Man: "How can I tell.. I'm in Chicago."

11.  Bible study.

A long time ago, God was mopping His brow after finishing a difficult task.

"Whew!  I just made 24 hours of alternating light and dark!"

A nearby angel asked: "What are You going to do now?"

God replied, "I think I'll call it a day."

12.  Atheism.

An atheist was fishing in Loch Ness, Scotland.

All of a sudden, a monster raised up out of the lake and the atheist yelled:  "God, help me!"

God replied immediately: "Why call on me after all these years?  You said that you didn't believe in me."

The former atheist replied: "God, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!" 


....  I usually quit after a dozen jokes, but today, because of the mini hurricane outside,  I think a few more jokes would help to pass the time..

13.  Marriage.

A man bought his wife a new negligee.  The wife tried it on, but it was too small, so she got naked instead.  In bed, with the lights out, the husband says, "That negligee was very expensive.  They could have at least pressed it!"

14.  Ten Commandments:

(CJ.. Chaplain Jimmy.. the main preacher where I live in Maryland told a version of the following joke.. substituting a bicycle for the lost item.)

A man went to church on Sunday and heard a sermon about the Ten Commandments. This caused him to go to Confession.

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," he began.
"Go ahead, my son," said the priest.
"Well, I lost my hat and I came to church to steal one.  But I heard your great sermon and I changed my mind."
"That's good, my son, 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' is a powerful commandment," said the priest.
"That's right," the man replied, "But it was when you said 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' that I finally remembered where my hat was."

15.  Inheritance story.

A young man, still living at home, expected to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widowed father died.  He decided that he needed a woman to enjoy it with him.  He went to several single bars until he found a woman that he fell immediately in love with.  He walked up to her and said: "Right now, I'm just an average guy, but within a month or two, my father will die and I will inherit 80 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with the young man.... and within a week she had become his stepmother.

16. Lost in the Mall.

A little boy was lost in a large shopping mall.  He approached a uniformed policeman and said: "I've lost my grandpa!"

The policeman askked: "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then answered:  "Budweiser beer and women with big butts."

In Honor of Roy Chiavacci, Exec VP of CLV

Roy is a master joke teller and always has a story to tell at our monthly meetings here in Carroll Lutheran Village. Usually, I write down these gems and tell them wherever and whenever anyone will listen to me. Our local AARP Chapter members are usually a captive audience. Some of these may be ones I've stolen from Roy.

01. Secret Agent.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter the circumstances. Inside of the room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said: "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said: "Then you are not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a while. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I couldn't kill my wife."

The agent said: "You don't have what it takes for the job. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She indicated that she had a mild case of PMS, needed to take an aspirin, and wanted to know how long this testing phase was going to last. "Just a few minutes," said the CIA agent, so she took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the wall. After a few minutes all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. Wiping the sweat from her brow, she said: "This damn gun is loaded with blanks, so I had to beat him to death with the chair."

02. Marriage.

A lonely woman inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband wanted." The next day, she received over one hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

03. Marriage.. from Henny Youngman .. probably.

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week we go out to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food, and companionship. She goes Tuesday; I go Fridays.

04. Chaste?

In a tiny Irish village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin, and very proud of it.

When she knew her last days were approaching, she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone.

LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN

Not long after that the old lady died peacefully. When the undertaker went to carve the inscription, he found that the tombstone was too small for her request to fit.

He thought long and hard as to how he could fulfill the old maid's request with such limited space available to him.

After agonizing over this dilemma for days, the answer finally came to him, and the following inscription was carved into her tombstone:

RETURNED UNOPENED

05. Driving. (Henny?)

My wife is such a bad driver, a policeman gave her a season ticket.

06. Marriage.

Traffic Cop: (stopping motorist) "Mister, your wife fell out of the car three blocks back."

Motorist: "Thank goodness. I thought I'd gone deaf."

07. Marriage.

Wife: "You never notice what I wear."

Husband: "That's not true. Try me."

The next night, the wife asked: "What am I wearing that's different?"

Husband: "New stockings?" (no) "New hat?" (no) "I give up, what is it?"

Wife: "I'm wearing a gas mask."

08. Marriage.

Wife: "Honey, I can't get the car started. I think it's flooded."

Husband: "Where is it?"

Wife: "In the swimming pool."

09. Last writes?

Old John's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly he motions to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and John uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, and then dies.

The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket.

At John's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when John died.

"John handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing John, I'm sure there is a word of inspiration in it for us all."

Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

10. Marriage.

Husband: "While I was just out mowing the lawn, a lady came by, rolled down her window, and asked me: 'Hey.. how much do you get for mowing a lawn?'"

Wife: "What did you tell her?"

Husband: "I said.. well, the lady of the house lets me sleep with her."

11. At the Bistro? (I don't think so.)

There is a sign at the cashier's station that reads: "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."

A wiseguy in line pointed at the sign and said: "Believe me, if I had a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating in a joint like this."

12. Grammar.

These are the famous Brandreth's Grammatical Rules for Secretaries:

1. Don't use no double negatives.
2. Make each pronoun agree with their antecedent.
3. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
4. About them sentence fragments.
5. When dangling, watch your particles.
6. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
7. Just between you and I, case is important too.
8. Don't write run-on sentences they are hard to read.
9. Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
10. Try not to oversplit infinitives.
11. It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
12. Proofread your writing to if any words out.
13. Correct spelling is esential.

Spring is here?

It doesn't seem like it, here in Maryland in 2011, but the calendar says it's Spring. Our daffodils are up above the ground and we are waiting to see if their blossoms are pink, as we were told they would be.

Today, I give a talk on humor at the first Carroll County Chapter Meeting for the Maryland Senior Citizens Hall of Fame. I think it might be fun. Meanwhile, a month has passed since I posted jokes to this blog, so here goes:

01. Signs of Old Age from Jacqui Wilson in the HCFA/CSM Journal:

You forget names, but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.

You've never heard of most of the persons in People Magazine.

When people say you look "Great," they add: "for your age."

The five pounds you wanted to lose is now fifteen, and you have a better chance of losing your keys than losing those fifteen pounds.

Everybody whispers.

02. In-laws.

Q: What is the fifference between outlaws and in-laws?

A: Outlaws are wanted.

03. Middle-age.

Molly McGee (Fibber's wife) said that the "dangerous age" for men is when their pants get long, and their breath gets short.

04. Effects of Surgery. (From Alan Kaufman)

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."

She said, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

05. Ballet.

Archie Bunker: "I wonder about all those sissified ballet dancers, dancing on their toes. Why don't they just get taller dancers?"

06. Disease:

Henny Youngman: "My doctor told me I had shingles, and he threw me off the roof."

07. Bumper Sticker:

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer!

08. Puzzled grave seeker.

Man in Graveyard: "I'm looking for the grave of the man who invented the crossword puzzle. You know, people visit it all the time and leave little gifts. Can you tell me where it is?

Graveyard Attendant: "Yes, it's easy to find. Go 2 down and 3 across.

09. Marriage.

Little Boy: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

Father: "I don't know, son. I'm still paying."

10. Men and Women.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

11. Gravestone.

A nagging wife had this gravestone placed over her deceased husband's grave:

RIP -- Until We Meet Again

12. The New CEO

(This classic showed up in my email.. maybe from Bonnie Ciborowski.)

A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked: "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Delivery guy from Pizza Hut."

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Unbelievably Hilarious Jokes for February 2011

Here are some more jokes I have accumulated over the years.

01. Geezer and wife.

Elaine and I went to the movies the other night and half-way through I had to get down on the floor. Elaine asked: "What are you doing down there?"

---I replied: "I'm looking for my caramel candy." Elaine said: "Yuk! Why do you want that dirty candy?" To which I responded: "My teeth are in it!"

02. Astrology.

"What sign were you born under?"

"No trespassing!"

03. Diet.

When I eat sugar, I break out in fat all over my body.

......

(The next item is attributed to Charles Lubetkin in some magazine.. it was probably an old Readers Digest.)

04. Kansas?

"We had taken our daughter to see The Wizard of Oz. During the movie, we heard people whispering that a heavy snowfall had started, and we decided to leave before driving became hazardous. As we dashed out of the theater, the manager looked at us quizzically.

'We're off to flee the blizzard!' my wife called out to him."

05. Husbands.

A husband was sent by his wife to buy her a bra, but he lost the note with the size written on it. The clerk asked: "What size?"

He said: "I don't know."

Clerk: "Grapefruit?"

Husband: "No."

Clerk: "Oranges?"

Husband: "No."

Clerk: "Eggs?"

Husband: "Yes, fried."

.......

(The next five were given to me by our good AARP friend, Louise Miller.)

06. Kids.

While on vacation with my son and his family, I shared a room with my 4 year old granddaughter. In the morning, when she awoke, she told me that she had had some nice dreams. I told her that I wished that I was able to dream like she does. She said: "But you can't, Grandma, because you snore too much."

07. Geezer response.

A man who volunteers to entertain patients in a local hospital told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides. When he finished, he said, "I hope you get better." One of the elderly male patients replied: "I hope you get better too."

08. Husbands and wives.

The owner of a new car was reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession, even a few short blocks. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed: "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."

09. Husbands and wives.

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both unwilling to admit that they might be in error.

"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband, "if you'll admit I'm right."

He agreed, and like a gentleman, insisted that she go first.

"I'm wrong," she said.

Without pausing, he responded, "You're right!"

10. Geezer response.

An elderly patient in a nursing home asked every nurse the same question: "Where am I?"

The answer was always, "You're at Chesnut Hill."

One day, a particularly harried nurse was stopped. "Where am I?" asked the old man.

Exasperated, the nurse answered: "In Heaven!" Without blinking an eye, the elderly patient replied: "Oh, thank God! I thought I was still at Chestnut Hill!"

..............

(The next two jokes were sent to me via EMAIL. I have no idea who originated them, but I thank whoever thought them up because I think they are wonderfully funny.)

11. Funeral for a farm wife.

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later) she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.

---Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and one. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head and killed her dead on the spot.

---At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consisten, the minister wanted to ask the old man about it.

---After the funeral, the minister asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd not my head in agreement."

---"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

---"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

12. The nun.

A nun was sitting in the airport, waiting for her flight to Baltimore. She looked over in a corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. She thought: "I'll give it a try and see what it tells me."

---She went over to the machine, stepped on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You are a nun, you weigh 140 pounds, and you are going to Baltimore."

The nun sat back down and thought: "That machine probably gives the same card to everyone." Curious, she decided to try it again.

---She went back to the machine, again put in a nickel, and out came another card. "You are a nun, you weigh 140 pounds, you are going to Baltimore, and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life."

---She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a grizzled cowboy came over and sat down, putting a fiddle case in the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out his fiddle, and started playing beautiful music. Surprized at what she had done, she looked over at the machine thinking: "This is incredible! I've got to try this again."

---She went back to the machine, put her nickel in, and another card came out.

"You are a nun, you weigh 140 pounds, you are going to Baltimore, and you are going to break wind."

---Now she knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life." But as she stepped off the machine, she slipped, and as she was straining to keep from falling on the floor, she broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine and said to herself: "This is truly remarkable. I'll have to try it again."

---She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read: "You are a nun, you weigh 140 pounds, you have fiddled and farted around and now you have missed your flight to Baltimore."

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Jokes of a Certain Age

As I try to get organized, I often come across jokes that I have forgotten. This batch comes from the early 2000's, so be kind.. they are pretty old.

01. Sign.

We saw this mysterious sign in the window of a restaurant in Cambridge, Maryland.

STEAMED CRABS - Applications accepted.

02. Poverty.

I was so poor as a kid, I couldn't afford a kite. I had to tie a string to a seagull instead.

03. Widower.

When I was a new widower, I tried to use the waffle iron. I ruined 2 pairs of pants.

...................
I know, I know.. I'm starting out real slow.
..................

04. Diet.

Well, now I've been on a diet for 4 weeks and I've lost 28 days.

05. Duck.

A duck goes into a fast food restaurant and asks: "Got any duck food?"

The clerk says: "No."

The duck goes out and comes back in and says: "Got any duck food?"

The clerk says: "I told you .. No! Go away!"

The duck goes out and comes back in and says: "Got any duck food?"

The exasperated clerk says: "Look.. I don't have any duck food. Go away or I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!"

The duck goes out and comes back in and says: "Got any nails?"

The clerk yells: "NO!"

The duck says: "Good! Got any duck food?"

06. Automobiles.


"Can you name four cars that start with 'P'?"


"No.. cars start with gasoline."


07. Nosey.


A guy was walking by a mental institution surrounded by a high fence and he heard someone saying: "13, 13, 13, 13." He was very curious and spotted a knothole in the fence. He put his eye up to it, and then he heard: "14, 14, 14, 14."


08. Dog.



A man was sitting next to a gallon of gas that he had in a bucket. Suddenly, a dog came up and drank some of the gasoline, and then began to run around and around and around.. and finally fell over on the ground. A passer-by asked: "Is he dead?"

The man replied: "No, he just ran out of gas."


09. Study.


A recent study by the University of Maryland found that women laugh much more than men.

And do you know what they laugh about? MEN.


10. Slightly naughty.



"Why is that blind man's leg yellow?"

"Because his dog is blind too."



11. A little naughtier.



A lady of the night approached a senior citizen passing by. "Hey, would you like super sex?"

The old man replied: "I'll take the soup."

12. Toastmasters.


Sylvia Wicker was evaluating the speech of a fellow toastmaster. At one point of her critique she said: "You had so many 'um's that I thought that I was taking Morse Code."


13. Skydiving.

Q: Why are there no blind skydivers?

A: Because it scares the devil out of the dog.


14. Playboy.


Before Hugh Hefner settled down with his current girl friend, I sent him a Christmas present: A set of His and Hers and Hers and Hers towels.


15. Grocery.

Once I thought that Grey Poupon was unscented toilet paper.


16. Politics.


Politicians are like babies.. they need to be changed often and for the same reason.


17. Politics.


The word politics comes from:



poly = many

tics = blood suckers



18. Prayer.



A boy said his prayers one night.. "God bless Grandma".. and the next day she died.



The next night the boy said: "God bless Grandpa" .. and the next day he died.



The next night the boy said: "God bless Daddy".. so Daddy got scared and stayed at work to avoid problems and came home the next day to find his wife all upset. He said: "Why?"

She replied: "I needed you, the milkman dropped dead on our doorstep."


19. Doctor.


Worried patient: "Doctor, tell me, how long do I have to live?"

Doctor: "Ten."

Patient: "Ten what?"

Doctor: "Ten, nine, eight...."


20. Widower.

As a new widower, I asked the grocer to sell me some "scratch."

He didn't know what I was asking for.

So, I told him.. my late wife always made everything "from scratch", so I need to get me some of that.

.....................................................................................
Thanks for staying with me to the end.
....................................................................................

A Little Humor

In these days of assassination by words and by bullets, we need something to cheer us up. So, here are a dozen items that I hope will make your day brighter.


01. Telephone. (from Jack Kolb)

A man called the operator from a phone booth and asked for a telephone number. After giving him the number, the operator heard horrible heavy breathing sounds and began to think that the man was having a heart attack and maybe she should connect with 911. She asked the man what was wrong, he said:

"I don't have a pen, so I'm trying to steam up the window to write the number on with my finger."

02. Texting codes. (from Joe Piechocki)

Senior citizens need some codes to use in addition to LOL and BTW. Some suggestions:

FWIW - Forgot where I was
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
IMHO - Is My Hearing-aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL... CGU - Rolling On the Floor Laughing ... and Can't Get Up

03. Cars. (From Jack Kolb)

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called the rush hour?

04. Male and Female.

God said to Adam: "I'm going to make a mate for you. She will clean your house, wash your clothes, cook your meals, and still have time to be your lover."
Adam said: "Lord, that will be great... but what will it cost me?"
God said: "An arm and a leg."
Adam said: " Oh, Lord.. well what could I get for a rib?"

05. Wisdom.

W.C. Fields: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again, and then quit. There's no use in making a fool of yourself."

06. Computers. (from: The Devil's DP Dictionary by Stan Kelly-Bootle)

consultant n. [from con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or possibly French con (vulgar) "a person of little merit" ... A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who has learned to decamp at hight speed in spite of the large briefcase and heavy wallet.... The earliest literary reference appears to be the ninth-century Arabic tale Ali Baba and the Forty Consultants.

Also, a poem from Stan:

"There are three things a man must do
Before his life is done;
Write two lines in APL,
And make the buggers run."

07. Toastmasters.

Either Allan Misch or Allan Kaufman came up with some classic Table-Topics, to test the mettle of new Toastmasters. (Table-Topics are given without warning to persons who are required to discuss each topic intelligently for one to three minutes.)

Topics to Discuss:

What is chocolate soap, and how is it used?

Explain how to substitute barbed wire for dental floss.

If a BLT is bacon, lettuce and ptomaine, what is PBS?

How would you whitewash a creature from the black lagoon?

08. France.

A strict looking customs inspector in Paris asked the American traveler:
"Do you have any pictures of naked women?"
The American replied: "Oh, no sir!"
The inspector then said: "Do you want to buy some?"

09. Kids. (from Stephen Flocks)

My father's hearing aid occasionally emits a brief high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him. One day my little niece was sitting on his lap when the device started to beep. Surprised, my niece looked up at him. "Grandpa," she said, "you've got mail."

10. Kids (source unknown)

There was a little boy who prayed fervently for two weeks, asking God for $100. When he got no answer, he thought maybe he would write to God to see if that would work. When the post office received the letter addressed to "GOD, USA" they thought it would be best to just forward the letter to President Clinton. The President thought it was so cute that he had his secretary send the boy $5, thinking that a little kid would think that was a lot of money.

When the boy got the money, he was so excited that he sat down right away to write a thank-you note to God: "Dear God, Thank you very much for the money you sent. I suppose it's to be expected, but I just thought you should know that when you sent it through Washington, D.C., the bastards deducted $95.

11. TV. (from Milton Berle)

"Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together."

12. Faces.

Bill found a mirror. He looked into it and said: "Wow! I've found a picture of my old puppy." He took it home and put it in his closet for safe keeping. His wife saw him put the mirror away, and when he left, she took it out and when she looked into it, she said: "Aha! So that's the old witch he's been chasing!"

.......................................................................................................

Some Jokes for the Beginning of 2011

01. Dieting:

Poem:

My soul is dark with raging riot,

Directly traceable to diet.

(anon)

Thoughts:

0-- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

0-- If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

0-- Help keep your kitchen clean. Eat out.

0-- My next house will have no kitchen.. just vending machines.

0-- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

02. Religion and kids: An AARP friend of mine named Clyde Kreitser used to like to tell this story.

A 5 year-old boy went with his parents to church. The preacher's sermon was on SIN and he made sure that everybody knew that if they sinned, they would roast in Hell fire until they were ashes.

The little boy listened intently and then raised his hand and asked the preacher: "I'm in Kindergarten, so, if I am bad and die, will I just become a cinder?"

03. Politics and kids: Clare Mezzanotte told us about this exchange:

Grandma Clare just came back from voting in a Presidential election.

Her 4 year-old grandson asked her: "Did you vote for Bushington?"

04. Mind games:

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First, I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies: "That is very simple. You are just too tents."

05. DIY:

Question: How many men does it take to wallpaper a bedroom?

Answer: Two, if you slice them thin enough.

06. Marriage:

"What's your husband getting for his 50th birthday?" the woman asked her friend.

"Fat and bald, " she replied.

07. Death:

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you are in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Friend 1 said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Friend 2 said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God, who made a big difference in people's lives."

Friend 3 said: "I'd like them to say, 'Hey, look! He's moving!'"

08. Genie:

A guy rubbed a lamp and the emerging genie gave him one wish. So, he thought long and hard, and then said: "I would like to have a chick with long legs!" So the genie gave him an ostrich.

09. Animals:

Judge, my wife keeps a goat in the bedroom and I can't stand the smell any longer.

Why don't you open the window?

What.. and let my chickens out?

10. Religion:

The preacher was greeting his flock after the Sunday service when a young boy stopped and told him: "I want to grow up and get a good job so I can give you and your church lots of money."

"That's very nice," the pastor said. "And what made you decide to be so generous?"

"Today's sermon," replied the boy.

"Oh," the pastor beamed; "What was it about the sermon?"

"Well, when you finished, my dad said you were about the poorest preacher he's ever heard."

11. Money:

The snooty heir told a friend, "I'm going to inherit a newspaper from my rich dad."

"So what?" said the friend. "I buy a new one every day."

12. Feghoot:

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and they were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked as they moved away.

"Because," he said: "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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