Spring is here?

It doesn't seem like it, here in Maryland in 2011, but the calendar says it's Spring. Our daffodils are up above the ground and we are waiting to see if their blossoms are pink, as we were told they would be.

Today, I give a talk on humor at the first Carroll County Chapter Meeting for the Maryland Senior Citizens Hall of Fame. I think it might be fun. Meanwhile, a month has passed since I posted jokes to this blog, so here goes:

01. Signs of Old Age from Jacqui Wilson in the HCFA/CSM Journal:

You forget names, but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you.

You've never heard of most of the persons in People Magazine.

When people say you look "Great," they add: "for your age."

The five pounds you wanted to lose is now fifteen, and you have a better chance of losing your keys than losing those fifteen pounds.

Everybody whispers.

02. In-laws.

Q: What is the fifference between outlaws and in-laws?

A: Outlaws are wanted.

03. Middle-age.

Molly McGee (Fibber's wife) said that the "dangerous age" for men is when their pants get long, and their breath gets short.

04. Effects of Surgery. (From Alan Kaufman)

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!"

The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."

She said, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."

05. Ballet.

Archie Bunker: "I wonder about all those sissified ballet dancers, dancing on their toes. Why don't they just get taller dancers?"

06. Disease:

Henny Youngman: "My doctor told me I had shingles, and he threw me off the roof."

07. Bumper Sticker:

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer!

08. Puzzled grave seeker.

Man in Graveyard: "I'm looking for the grave of the man who invented the crossword puzzle. You know, people visit it all the time and leave little gifts. Can you tell me where it is?

Graveyard Attendant: "Yes, it's easy to find. Go 2 down and 3 across.

09. Marriage.

Little Boy: "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

Father: "I don't know, son. I'm still paying."

10. Men and Women.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

11. Gravestone.

A nagging wife had this gravestone placed over her deceased husband's grave:

RIP -- Until We Meet Again

12. The New CEO

(This classic showed up in my email.. maybe from Bonnie Ciborowski.)

A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked: "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Delivery guy from Pizza Hut."

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