01. Secret Agent.
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter the circumstances. Inside of the room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"
The man said: "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said: "Then you are not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a while. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I couldn't kill my wife."
The agent said: "You don't have what it takes for the job. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She indicated that she had a mild case of PMS, needed to take an aspirin, and wanted to know how long this testing phase was going to last. "Just a few minutes," said the CIA agent, so she took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. Then they heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the wall. After a few minutes all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. Wiping the sweat from her brow, she said: "This damn gun is loaded with blanks, so I had to beat him to death with the chair."
02. Marriage.
A lonely woman inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband wanted." The next day, she received over one hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
03. Marriage.. from Henny Youngman .. probably.
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week we go out to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food, and companionship. She goes Tuesday; I go Fridays.
04. Chaste?
In a tiny Irish village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin, and very proud of it.
When she knew her last days were approaching, she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone.
LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN
Not long after that the old lady died peacefully. When the undertaker went to carve the inscription, he found that the tombstone was too small for her request to fit.
He thought long and hard as to how he could fulfill the old maid's request with such limited space available to him.
After agonizing over this dilemma for days, the answer finally came to him, and the following inscription was carved into her tombstone:
RETURNED UNOPENED
05. Driving. (Henny?)
My wife is such a bad driver, a policeman gave her a season ticket.
06. Marriage.
Traffic Cop: (stopping motorist) "Mister, your wife fell out of the car three blocks back."
Motorist: "Thank goodness. I thought I'd gone deaf."
07. Marriage.
Wife: "You never notice what I wear."
Husband: "That's not true. Try me."
The next night, the wife asked: "What am I wearing that's different?"
Husband: "New stockings?" (no) "New hat?" (no) "I give up, what is it?"
Wife: "I'm wearing a gas mask."
08. Marriage.
Wife: "Honey, I can't get the car started. I think it's flooded."
Husband: "Where is it?"
Wife: "In the swimming pool."
09. Last writes?
Old John's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly he motions to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and John uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, and then dies.
The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket.
At John's funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when John died.
"John handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing John, I'm sure there is a word of inspiration in it for us all."
Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
10. Marriage.
Husband: "While I was just out mowing the lawn, a lady came by, rolled down her window, and asked me: 'Hey.. how much do you get for mowing a lawn?'"
Wife: "What did you tell her?"
Husband: "I said.. well, the lady of the house lets me sleep with her."
11. At the Bistro? (I don't think so.)
There is a sign at the cashier's station that reads: "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."
A wiseguy in line pointed at the sign and said: "Believe me, if I had a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating in a joint like this."
12. Grammar.
These are the famous Brandreth's Grammatical Rules for Secretaries:
1. Don't use no double negatives.
2. Make each pronoun agree with their antecedent.
3. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
4. About them sentence fragments.
5. When dangling, watch your particles.
6. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
7. Just between you and I, case is important too.
8. Don't write run-on sentences they are hard to read.
9. Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
10. Try not to oversplit infinitives.
11. It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly.
12. Proofread your writing to if any words out.
13. Correct spelling is esential.
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