Henry Junggman was born in Britain in 1906 and emigrated to America as a child. He became a wise-cracking violin-player in a comedy band. At one gig, the headlining comic didn't show up and Henry was asked to fill in for him. He was a hit!
Henry changed his name to Henny Youngman, tuned up his violin and his wits and went on the road. Eventually, he became known as the most famous "clean" comedian in the United States.
Like most great comedians, he lived a long life.. (laughing a lot does it.) He died at the age of 92. Along the way, he wrote three books: How Do You Like Me So Far?, 400 Traveling Salesmen's Jokes, and Henny Youngman's Bar Bets, Bar Jokes, Bar Tricks (most people probably don't know that he was an amateur magician as well as a musician and a comedian.)
Although he is famous mainly for his one-liners, such as the famous: "Take my wife, please!".. he could also tell some wonderful "stretched out" jokes.. which his buddy Milton Berle said that he stole from other "unknown" comedians. If you would like to reaquaint yourself with some of the great one-liners, you might want to visit:
http://brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/h/henny_youngman.html
Meanwhile, take a look at some of those "stretched out" jokes:
The Digger
A gravedigger, thoroughly absorbed in his work, dug a pit so deep one afternoon that he couldn't climb out when he had finished. Come nightfall and evening's chill, his predicament became more uncomfortable. He shouted for help and at last attracted the attention of a drunk staggering by.
"Get me out of here," the digger pleaded. "I'm cold!"
The inebriated one peered into the open grave and finally spotted the shivering digger in the darkness.
"Well, no wonder you're cold, buddy," said the drunk, kicking some of the loose sod into the hole. "You haven't got any dirt on you."
The Pilot
During a flight from New York to Los Angeles, a passenger who had been gazing out the window suddenly spied two engines on fire. He began shouting at the top of his lungs, "Two engines are on fire! Two engines are on fire!"
In a few short seconds panic and hysteria spread to the rest of the passengers. The pilot, equipped with a parachute, soon appeared in the passenger compartment. "Don't worry," he assured them, "I'm going for help."
The Buddy
A man who looked like a high-powered executive began to drop in at Milton's Bar regularly, and his order was always the same-- two Martinis. After several weeks of this, Milton asked him why he didn't order a double insted.
"It's a sentimental thing," he said. "A very dear friend of mine died a few weeks ago, and before his death he asked that when I drink I have one for him too."
A week later the customer came in and ordered one Martini.
"What about your dead buddy? Why only one Martini today?"
"This is my buddy's drink. I'm on the wagon."
The Daughter
Two mothers talking:
"It's really none of my business, but have you noticed what your daughter is up to?"
"Why no. What is it?"
"She's knitting tiny garments."
"Well, thank goodness. I'm glad to see she's taken an interest in something besides running around with boys."
The Patient
A man said to his psychiatrist, "Doctor, you've got to help me. I'm sure I'm losing my mind. I can't remember anything, not what happened a year ago, or even what happened yesterday. I must be going crazy."
"How long have you had this problem?"
The man looked puzzled. "What problem?"
The Professor
The forgetful professor left his hotel room and discovered he had left his umbrella behind. he went back to get it and found that the room had been rented already. Through the door he heard sounds.
"Whose little baby are you?"
"Your little baby."
"And whose little hands are these?"
"Your little hands."
"And whose little feet are these-- and whose little knees-- and whose little--"
"When you get to an umbrella," said the professor through the door, "it's mine."
The Refrigerator
A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, I want to talk to you about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator."
"That's not so bad," said the doctor. "It's a rather harmless complex."
"Well, maybe," replied the lady, "but he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake."
The Rabbi
A guy says to a Rabbi, "you have such a small congregation. How much do you make a week?"
The Rabbi says, "Six dollars a week."
He says, "How can you live on that?"
"If I wasn't a very religious man, and didn't fast three days a week, I'd starve to death!"
The Laggard
A mother says to her son, "Get out of bed and get to school."
He says, "I don't want to go to school."
She says, "Eight o'clock in the morning, you go to school."
"I don't want to go to school-- the kids don't like me, the janitor doesn't like me, and teachers don't like me."
"You're forty-five years old, and you're the principal. Go to school!"
-------> and last.... a classic:
The Husband
A woman says to her husband, "Suppose you came home one night and found another man making love to me, what would you do?"
He says, "I'd kick his seeing-eye dog!"
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My late Uncle Allen loved Henny Youngman's jokes.. he was able to tell hundreds of them. He felt, as I feel, that Mr. Youngman was one of the greatest comedians of the 20th century. May he rest in peace.
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Enough.. find one of Henny's great books and spend a few hilarious hours reading his famous jokes and one-liners. You'll live longer if you do.
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Showing posts with label husbands. Show all posts
Showing posts with label husbands. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Unbelievably Hilarious Jokes for February 2011
Here are some more jokes I have accumulated over the years.
01. Geezer and wife.
Elaine and I went to the movies the other night and half-way through I had to get down on the floor. Elaine asked: "What are you doing down there?"
---I replied: "I'm looking for my caramel candy." Elaine said: "Yuk! Why do you want that dirty candy?" To which I responded: "My teeth are in it!"
02. Astrology.
"What sign were you born under?"
"No trespassing!"
03. Diet.
When I eat sugar, I break out in fat all over my body.
......
(The next item is attributed to Charles Lubetkin in some magazine.. it was probably an old Readers Digest.)
04. Kansas?
"We had taken our daughter to see The Wizard of Oz. During the movie, we heard people whispering that a heavy snowfall had started, and we decided to leave before driving became hazardous. As we dashed out of the theater, the manager looked at us quizzically.
'We're off to flee the blizzard!' my wife called out to him."
05. Husbands.
A husband was sent by his wife to buy her a bra, but he lost the note with the size written on it. The clerk asked: "What size?"
He said: "I don't know."
Clerk: "Grapefruit?"
Husband: "No."
Clerk: "Oranges?"
Husband: "No."
Clerk: "Eggs?"
Husband: "Yes, fried."
.......
(The next five were given to me by our good AARP friend, Louise Miller.)
06. Kids.
While on vacation with my son and his family, I shared a room with my 4 year old granddaughter. In the morning, when she awoke, she told me that she had had some nice dreams. I told her that I wished that I was able to dream like she does. She said: "But you can't, Grandma, because you snore too much."
07. Geezer response.
A man who volunteers to entertain patients in a local hospital told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides. When he finished, he said, "I hope you get better." One of the elderly male patients replied: "I hope you get better too."
08. Husbands and wives.
The owner of a new car was reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession, even a few short blocks. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed: "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."
09. Husbands and wives.
A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both unwilling to admit that they might be in error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband, "if you'll admit I'm right."
He agreed, and like a gentleman, insisted that she go first.
"I'm wrong," she said.
Without pausing, he responded, "You're right!"
10. Geezer response.
An elderly patient in a nursing home asked every nurse the same question: "Where am I?"
The answer was always, "You're at Chesnut Hill."
One day, a particularly harried nurse was stopped. "Where am I?" asked the old man.
Exasperated, the nurse answered: "In Heaven!" Without blinking an eye, the elderly patient replied: "Oh, thank God! I thought I was still at Chestnut Hill!"
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(The next two jokes were sent to me via EMAIL. I have no idea who originated them, but I thank whoever thought them up because I think they are wonderfully funny.)
11. Funeral for a farm wife.
An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later) she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
---Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and one. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head and killed her dead on the spot.
---At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consisten, the minister wanted to ask the old man about it.
---After the funeral, the minister asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd not my head in agreement."
---"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
---"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
12. The nun.
A nun was sitting in the airport, waiting for her flight to Baltimore. She looked over in a corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. She thought: "I'll give it a try and see what it tells me."
---She went over to the machine, stepped on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You are a nun, you weigh 140 pounds, and you are going to Baltimore."
The nun sat back down and thought: "That machine probably gives the same card to everyone." Curious, she decided to try it again.
---She went back to the machine, again put in a nickel, and out came another card. "You are a nun, you weigh 140 pounds, you are going to Baltimore, and you are going to play a fiddle."
The nun said to herself, "I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life."
---She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a grizzled cowboy came over and sat down, putting a fiddle case in the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out his fiddle, and started playing beautiful music. Surprized at what she had done, she looked over at the machine thinking: "This is incredible! I've got to try this again."
---She went back to the machine, put her nickel in, and another card came out.
"You are a nun, you weigh 140 pounds, you are going to Baltimore, and you are going to break wind."
---Now she knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life." But as she stepped off the machine, she slipped, and as she was straining to keep from falling on the floor, she broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine and said to herself: "This is truly remarkable. I'll have to try it again."
---She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read: "You are a nun, you weigh 140 pounds, you have fiddled and farted around and now you have missed your flight to Baltimore."
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