Let's try some more items that I think are humorous. I hope you do too.
01. The Bible. Remarks by some Sunday School kids.. I don't know the source.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
The people who followed the Lord were called the twelve decibels.
Joshua fit the battle of Geritol.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, and a ball of fire at night.
The wives of the apostles are called epistles.
Moses died before he came to Canada.
David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Bible times.
The three wise guys came from the east side.
The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam: Eat this apple!
02. Getting Older: From My Aunt Mary:
An 80 year old woman has 4 boy friends. She rises with Big Ben, takes a walk with Paul Bunyan, comes home with Charlie Hoss, and goes to bed with Ben Gay.
03. Getting Older: My Aunt Mary could have added a couple of other boy friends:
Will Power helps the lady get out of bed and Arthur Ritis visits during the day. And, of course, she gets to visit John quite often.
04. Getting Older:
My preacher says that at my age, I should be thinking about the here-after. I told him I do think about it all the time. No matter where I am, I ask myself: "Now, what am I here after?"
05. Getting Older:
Old folks are rich in precious resources. They have silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their stomach.
06. Religion:
After a very long-winded Sunday church service, the minister approached a parishioner who had left during the sermon and returned later.
"Where did you go?" asked the minister.
"I went to the barber for a haircut," said the man.
"Why didn't you do that before you came to church? asked the minister.
"Well, I didn't need one then," said the man.
07. Religion:
A gentleman that I came to know in the Air Force told this at a bon-fire gathering one night in Germany. It is best told in African-American dialect.
At an outdoor camp meeting the crowd was getting quite excited because of the preacher's oratory. Some of the ladies were even dancing around quite actively. One of the lady, who was rather heavy-set was bouncing up and down. Suddenly, a twenty dollar bill flew out of her bosom and landed on the floor. The preacher took notice of this, but there may have been another brother who may have seen the occurence, so the preacher carried on:
"You have read in the Bible that if you have not seen, but still believe, I will abide with you later; but I also say unto you, if you who have seen, and believe that you have seen, and keep your big mouth shut.. I will divide with you later."
08. Getting Older:
Three old guys went to a doctor's office for a memory test.
Doctor: "What is 2 x 2?
First guy: "198"
Doctor: "What is 2 x 2?"
Second guy: "Thursday."
Doctor: "What is 2 x 2?"
Third guy: "4"
Doctor: "Good! How did you get that answer?"
Third guy: "I subtracted Thursday from 198."
09. Marriage:
A woman calls her husband at work:
Wife: "I've got good news and bad news."
Husband: "Give me the good news first."
Wife: "The airbag works."
10. Kids:
Bernie Handley, a good friend from the Social Security Administration told me this:
Bernie's 4 year old granddaughter likes to play "wedding".
One day, she was playing it with Bernie and she told Bernie:
"Don't peek, I'm going to put on my wedding dress and you be the groom and put on your torpedo!"
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