If you are feeling a little blue this season, try a few of these jokes and see if they pick you up a bit. Some are from a guy named Paul Seipp, who does music and comical patter, Steve Allen, Louise Miller, and one is from Pastor Jimmy (Carroll Lutheran Village) ... guess which one..
01. Aging.
1st guy: "I have a new hearing aid."
2nd guy: "What kind is it?"
1st guy: "Three O'clock."
02. Marriage.
If my wife sees anything "marked down", she buys it. Last week, she came home with 8 dresses and one escalator.
03. Marriage.
My wife had plastic surgery last week. I cut up her credit cards.
04. Ten Commandments.
A preacher addressed his congregation: "Yesterday, I had my bicycle stolen and today I decided to talk about the Ten Commandments, especially the one that says: Thou shalt not steal."
Part of the way into his sermon, at the commandment that states: Thou shalt not commit adultery, he suddenly stopped, and left the pulpit, saying as he went: "I just remembered where I left my bicycle."
05. The Bible.
A seller of Bibles was the top salesman for months. Other less successful sellers wanted to know his secret, since he was a very bad stutterer. He told them: "I j-j-just ask people: do you want to b-b-buy a B-B-Bible, or d-d-do you want me to read it to you?"
06. Logic.
A professor, trying to emphasize a point in logic, asked his class: "If the U.S. is bounded on the north by Canada, on the west by the Pacific Ocean, on the east by the Atlantic Ocean, and on the south by Mexico, how old am I?"
Everybody was stumped except for the class dumbbell who said: "You are 44 years old."
The amazed professor said: "That's right! How did you figure that out?"
The student said: "That's easy. I have a brother who is 1/2 as nuts as you and he's 22."
07. More Logic.
A teacher asked Jim: "How much is ten times eight?"
Jim: "Monday."
Teacher: "That's silly. Billy, how much is ten times eight?"
Billy: "Watermelon."
Teacher: "That's silly too. Joey, how much is ten times eight?"
Joey: "Eighty."
Teacher: "That's right, Joey. Now tell the class how you got that answer."
Joey: "Well, I subtracted Monday from Watermelon."
08. Marriage:
A 92 year old gentleman brought his 18 year old girlfriend to the church to be married.
The priest said: "The baptismal font is on the other side of the church."
Old man: "What do I want with the font?"
Priest: "Oh, I beg your pardon, I thought you had brought this child to be baptised."
09. Even more logic.
A teacher told her class: "You all saw the worm swimming happily in the glass of water. But when I put the worm in a glass of alcohol, it died. What does that prove?"
Student: If you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."
10. Marriage.
Question: Why do men die before women?
Answer: Self-defence.
11. Recipe file.
Question: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Answer: You can roast beef, but you cannot pee soup.
12. Military.
Question: When you were in the Army, did you get a commission?
Answer: No.. just straight pay.
Bonus!
Aging logic.
An elderly couple visited a doctor and complained about their sex life. The doctor examined them and gave them some advice and told them to go into an adjoining little room and try it out. They came back after a long time and told the doctor that it worked fine, and left.
A month later, the couple returned with the same complaint. The doctor repeated the procedure and had them go into the little room. Once again, the couple reported satisfaction and started to leave. The doctor stopped them and said that perhaps the strange surrondings were stimulating and that maybe next time they should try a motel room instead.
The elderly lady replied that they had been doing that before, but the motel room cost $50, whereas his fee was $100, and they got back $90 from Medicare.
........................................................................................................
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
Some Jokes for December 2010
01. Restaurants: A woman called a restaurant to make a 7:00 pm reservation. The hostess said: "I'm sorry, but all we have open is 6:45 pm. Would you like that?"
"That's fine," replied the woman.
"O.K." said the hostess, and added: "By the way, there usually is a 15 minutes wait for a table."
02. Aging: An old lady showed up naked at a flower show and won first place in "Best Dried Arrangement."
03. Restaurants: Two ladies met for lunch in an expensive restaurant. They decided to order coffee and then eat a sandwich they had made at home and brought with them. The manager of the restaurant saw what they were doing and said: "Ladies, you can't eat your own sandwiches here." So they both looked at each other and exchanged sandwiches.
04. Arthritis: A noted arthritis doctor had a waiting room full of patients. One of them was a little old lady, bent almost in half, who shuffled slowly into the doctor's office, leaning heavily on her cane.
Within five minutes, she came back out, walking perfectly erect. Another woman in the waiting room who had seen this, went up to the little old lady and said: "You walked into the doctor's office all bent over, and now you are all right. That doctor must be amazing! What did he do?"
The little old lady replied: "He gave me a longer cane."
05. More Kids' wisdom: These questions and answers came to me from Bonnie Ciborowski:
Q: How do you decide who to marry?
A#1: You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. (from Alan, age 10)
A#2: No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it
all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. (from Kirsten, age 10)
Q: How would you make a marriage work?
A: Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. (from Ricky, age 10)
06. More kid stuff: A small boy was lost in a giant shopping mall. He went up to a policeman and said: "I've lost my grandpa."
The cop asked: "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a couple of seconds and then replied: "Budweiser Beer and women with big butts."
07. Eyesight:
Patient: "Doctor, I think I need glasses."
Teller: "You certainly do! This is a bank.
08. Police: A sample of responses to motorists stopped by the state police:
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"I'm glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someboday who can post your bail."
"Relax. I know the handcuffs are tight. That's because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"You didn't think that we give pretty women tickets?.. You're right, we don't... sign here."
09. Religion.
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
The nun replies: "My son, you cannot offend me."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
The nun replies: "Well, let's see. But first, you have to be single and a Catholic."
The cab driver excitedly says: "Yes, I'm a single Catholic."
The nun says: "OK. Pull over into the next alley."
They kiss like naughty teen-agers.
Back on the road, the cabbie starts to cry.
The nun says: "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me for I've sinned. I lied. I'm really married and I'm a Baptist."
The nun says: "That's OK. My name is Bill, and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."
10. Firemen: Why do fire companies all have dalmations?
Because they use them to find the fire hydrants.
11. More Kid stuff:
Math teacher: "Billie, what are 4 and 8 and 32 and 61?"
Billie: "NBC, CNN, HBO and the Discovery Channel."
12. Religion: A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. He says: "Cold floors!"
Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He says: "Bad food!"
Seven more years pass. Once again they ask for his two words. He says: "I quit!"
"That's fine, " the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
................................................
"That's fine," replied the woman.
"O.K." said the hostess, and added: "By the way, there usually is a 15 minutes wait for a table."
02. Aging: An old lady showed up naked at a flower show and won first place in "Best Dried Arrangement."
03. Restaurants: Two ladies met for lunch in an expensive restaurant. They decided to order coffee and then eat a sandwich they had made at home and brought with them. The manager of the restaurant saw what they were doing and said: "Ladies, you can't eat your own sandwiches here." So they both looked at each other and exchanged sandwiches.
04. Arthritis: A noted arthritis doctor had a waiting room full of patients. One of them was a little old lady, bent almost in half, who shuffled slowly into the doctor's office, leaning heavily on her cane.
Within five minutes, she came back out, walking perfectly erect. Another woman in the waiting room who had seen this, went up to the little old lady and said: "You walked into the doctor's office all bent over, and now you are all right. That doctor must be amazing! What did he do?"
The little old lady replied: "He gave me a longer cane."
05. More Kids' wisdom: These questions and answers came to me from Bonnie Ciborowski:
Q: How do you decide who to marry?
A#1: You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. (from Alan, age 10)
A#2: No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it
all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. (from Kirsten, age 10)
Q: How would you make a marriage work?
A: Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. (from Ricky, age 10)
06. More kid stuff: A small boy was lost in a giant shopping mall. He went up to a policeman and said: "I've lost my grandpa."
The cop asked: "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a couple of seconds and then replied: "Budweiser Beer and women with big butts."
07. Eyesight:
Patient: "Doctor, I think I need glasses."
Teller: "You certainly do! This is a bank.
08. Police: A sample of responses to motorists stopped by the state police:
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"I'm glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someboday who can post your bail."
"Relax. I know the handcuffs are tight. That's because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"You didn't think that we give pretty women tickets?.. You're right, we don't... sign here."
09. Religion.
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
The nun replies: "My son, you cannot offend me."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
The nun replies: "Well, let's see. But first, you have to be single and a Catholic."
The cab driver excitedly says: "Yes, I'm a single Catholic."
The nun says: "OK. Pull over into the next alley."
They kiss like naughty teen-agers.
Back on the road, the cabbie starts to cry.
The nun says: "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me for I've sinned. I lied. I'm really married and I'm a Baptist."
The nun says: "That's OK. My name is Bill, and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."
10. Firemen: Why do fire companies all have dalmations?
Because they use them to find the fire hydrants.
11. More Kid stuff:
Math teacher: "Billie, what are 4 and 8 and 32 and 61?"
Billie: "NBC, CNN, HBO and the Discovery Channel."
12. Religion: A man joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. He says: "Cold floors!"
Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He says: "Bad food!"
Seven more years pass. Once again they ask for his two words. He says: "I quit!"
"That's fine, " the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
................................................
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