Here are some more jokes I have accumulated over the years.
01. Geezer and wife.
Elaine and I went to the movies the other night and half-way through I had to get down on the floor. Elaine asked: "What are you doing down there?"
---I replied: "I'm looking for my caramel candy." Elaine said: "Yuk! Why do you want that dirty candy?" To which I responded: "My teeth are in it!"
02. Astrology.
"What sign were you born under?"
"No trespassing!"
03. Diet.
When I eat sugar, I break out in fat all over my body.
......
(The next item is attributed to Charles Lubetkin in some magazine.. it was probably an old Readers Digest.)
04. Kansas?
"We had taken our daughter to see The Wizard of Oz. During the movie, we heard people whispering that a heavy snowfall had started, and we decided to leave before driving became hazardous. As we dashed out of the theater, the manager looked at us quizzically.
'We're off to flee the blizzard!' my wife called out to him."
05. Husbands.
A husband was sent by his wife to buy her a bra, but he lost the note with the size written on it. The clerk asked: "What size?"
He said: "I don't know."
Clerk: "Grapefruit?"
Husband: "No."
Clerk: "Oranges?"
Husband: "No."
Clerk: "Eggs?"
Husband: "Yes, fried."
.......
(The next five were given to me by our good AARP friend, Louise Miller.)
06. Kids.
While on vacation with my son and his family, I shared a room with my 4 year old granddaughter. In the morning, when she awoke, she told me that she had had some nice dreams. I told her that I wished that I was able to dream like she does. She said: "But you can't, Grandma, because you snore too much."
07. Geezer response.
A man who volunteers to entertain patients in a local hospital told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides. When he finished, he said, "I hope you get better." One of the elderly male patients replied: "I hope you get better too."
08. Husbands and wives.
The owner of a new car was reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession, even a few short blocks. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed: "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."
09. Husbands and wives.
A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both unwilling to admit that they might be in error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband, "if you'll admit I'm right."
He agreed, and like a gentleman, insisted that she go first.
"I'm wrong," she said.
Without pausing, he responded, "You're right!"
10. Geezer response.
An elderly patient in a nursing home asked every nurse the same question: "Where am I?"
The answer was always, "You're at Chesnut Hill."
One day, a particularly harried nurse was stopped. "Where am I?" asked the old man.
Exasperated, the nurse answered: "In Heaven!" Without blinking an eye, the elderly patient replied: "Oh, thank God! I thought I was still at Chestnut Hill!"
..............
(The next two jokes were sent to me via EMAIL. I have no idea who originated them, but I thank whoever thought them up because I think they are wonderfully funny.)
11. Funeral for a farm wife.
An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later) she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
---Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and one. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head and killed her dead on the spot.
---At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consisten, the minister wanted to ask the old man about it.
---After the funeral, the minister asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd not my head in agreement."
---"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
---"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
12. The nun.
A nun was sitting in the airport, waiting for her flight to Baltimore. She looked over in a corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. She thought: "I'll give it a try and see what it tells me."
---She went over to the machine, stepped on the scale and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You are a nun, you weigh 140 pounds, and you are going to Baltimore."
The nun sat back down and thought: "That machine probably gives the same card to everyone." Curious, she decided to try it again.
---She went back to the machine, again put in a nickel, and out came another card. "You are a nun, you weigh 140 pounds, you are going to Baltimore, and you are going to play a fiddle."
The nun said to herself, "I know that is wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life."
---She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a grizzled cowboy came over and sat down, putting a fiddle case in the seat between them. Without thinking, she opened the cowboy's case, took out his fiddle, and started playing beautiful music. Surprized at what she had done, she looked over at the machine thinking: "This is incredible! I've got to try this again."
---She went back to the machine, put her nickel in, and another card came out.
"You are a nun, you weigh 140 pounds, you are going to Baltimore, and you are going to break wind."
---Now she knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life." But as she stepped off the machine, she slipped, and as she was straining to keep from falling on the floor, she broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine and said to herself: "This is truly remarkable. I'll have to try it again."
---She went back to the machine, put in another nickel, and another card came out. It read: "You are a nun, you weigh 140 pounds, you have fiddled and farted around and now you have missed your flight to Baltimore."
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