Gas?

Is the price of gas getting you down?  Well, here is some "gas" that is free.

01.  Pearly Gates

There are two entrances to Heaven for men.  One is marked: "Gate 1: For Those Men Who Dominated Their Wives."  The other entrance is marked: "Gate 2: For Those Men Who Were Dominated By Their Wives."

As would be expected, the line at Gate 2 was extremely long.  But the line at Gate 1 had only one man waiting to get in.

A passing angel asked the man at Gate 1 why he was in that line.  The man answered: "My wife told me to."

02.  Golf

Golfer #1:  "My wife is going to leave me if I don't give up golf."
Golfer #2:  "What are you going to do?"
Golfer #1:  "I'm going to really miss her!"

03.  From Steve Allen #1.. Court

Judge: "Will you tell the court what passed between you and your wife during the quarrel?"
Defendant:  "Yes.  A flatiron, a rolling pin, six plates and a teakettle."

04.  From Steve Allen #2 .. Doctor

I have a great doctor.  I told him I couldn't afford the surgery that he recommended, so he touched up my X-Ray.

05. From Steve Allen #3 .. Poem

I often pause and wonder,
At times peculiar ways,
Nearly all our famous men
Were born on Holidays.

06.  Kids

A boy was watching his father, a preacher, write a sermon.  He asked: "How do you know what to say?"
His father replied: "God tells me what to say."
The boy asked: "Then why do you keep crossing things out?"

07.  More Golf

Question:  Why is golf like taxes?
Answer:     Well, you drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole.

08.  Even more Golf.. from Sid Simon

Give me my golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep my golf clubs and the fresh air.

09.  Doctor's Orders

An old man went to the doctor to get a physical.   A few days later, the doctor saw him walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

The doctor stopped him and said: "You seem to be doing real good."
The old man said:  "Yes, I'm doing what you said to do: 'Get a hot mama and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said: "No.. what I said was: 'You have a heart murmur and be careful!'"

10.  More from Sid Simon .. Doctor stuff

Question:  Why did the doctor fail as a kidnapper?

Answer:    Nobody could read his ransom notes.

11.  Another Genie story

A man at a ballgame absently rubbed  a funny looking coke bottle and a genie suddenly appeared.

Genie:  I only have one wish to grant today.  I can give you either infinite wisdom, or a million dollars.

Man (looking around, seeing people watching him, and not wanting to appear greedy) says: I'll take infinite wisdom.

Whoof!  He is now smarter than anybody else in the world.

A guy seated next to him asked him:  "Now, with infinite wisdom, what is the greatest think that you now know?"

Man:  "I should have taken the damn million dollars!"

12.  Signs from the late Charlie Bennett (2002)

Sign over a gynecologist's office:  "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

Sign outside a muffler shop:  "No appointment necessary.  We hear you coming."

Sign in a veterinarian's waiting room:  "Be back in 5 minutes.  Sit!  Stay!

Sign at a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose."

Sign on an electrician's truck:  "Let us remove your shorts."

Sign on a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

Sign in an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

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