Thursday, October 28, 2010

How about a little less negativity?

Most of you, like me, are probably completely fed up with the excessively negative political ads this year. Why don't you take a few minutes to read some jokes and perhaps have a laugh to counter those depressing ads, at least for a while.

01. Finances. A lady went to a bank drive-through teller and asked to have a check cashed. The teller asked her if she had an account there. She said "No", so the teller asked to see her license. So she put the car in gear andd drove forwards and backwards.

02. Military. General Von Steuben addressed his soldiers at Valley Forge. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are all going to have a change of underwear. The bad news is that Bill will change with Joe, Joe with Jim, and, etc."

03. Landscaping. The only time my lawn looks as good as my neighbor's is when there is a snow storm. (from the BBC's My Word.)

04. Driving: A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove over the curb, and stopped inches away from a plate glass window.

Finally, the shaking cab driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylight out of me." The passenger apologized but said that he wouldn't have thought that a mere tap on the shoulder would scare him so much.

The driver replied, "Oh, no, its all my fault. Today is my first day driving a taxi. I've been driving a hearse for the past 20 years."

(stolen from the Westminster Senior Center Chatterbox)

05. Debt. The President of a South American country died and had a very large funeral, at which a letter from the Presiden't was read. In it, he accused his three Vice Presidents of cheating him out of some of the government's funds that were to be used for his personal use.

The first VP got up and said he was sorry for what he had done and said that he would put 50% of the ill-gotten money into the coffin, to be buried with the President, and he placed the cash in the coffin. The second VP felt even worse and put 2/3rds of the cash he had pilfered into the coffin. The third VP said that he felt even more sorry than the others and would put 100% of his debt into the coffin. So, the third VP wrote a check for the full amount and put it into the coffin.

06. Aging: Bonnie Ciborowski sent this to me some time ago.

"Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you are barefoot.

"Old" is when going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"Old" is when you get cautioned to slow down by the doctor, instead of by the policeman.

"Old" is when "Getty Lucky" means you are able to find your car in the parking lot.

07. Bible. More bible quotes from children:

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was, by profession a taxi driver.

08. Life. Poem:

I get up in the morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead,
So, I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

09. Letha's jokes.

My wonderful secretary, Letha Alston, passed away in 2006. I noted a memorial about her in the Baltimore Sun the other day, and it reminded me of some truisms that she told me.

"The easiest way to stay awake during an afternoon dinner speech, is to deliver it."

"Middle age is when your narrow waist and broad mind begin to change places."

"You know you've reached middle age when weight lifting consists of just standing up."

How true!

As I've said elsewhere, Letha sent me a birthday card one day that read: "You remind me of Chinese food... Egg Foo Old!"

10. Marriage.

There are three rings that are important in a husband's life:

1. Engagement ring.
2. Wedding ring.
3. Suffering.

11. Truisms. Thoughts for delivery at an AARP meeting:

Good friends are hard to come by. When you need them, they hardly come by.

Happy wife, happy life.

Just think, if you're having a senior moment.. you are still alive!

As Liz Taylor said to her 8th husband: "I won't keep you long."

She went to Penn State, and her husband went to the State Pen.

What is so significant about your "other?"

12. Kids.

A woman was trying hard to get ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang and her four year old daughter answered it. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother and then said to the minister: "Mommy can't come to the phone right now, she's hitting the bottle."


Bye for now and have a funny day!
...............................................................................................................................

How about a little less negativity?

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Jokes for October 8, 2010

Let's try some more items that I think are humorous. I hope you do too.

01. The Bible. Remarks by some Sunday School kids.. I don't know the source.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

The people who followed the Lord were called the twelve decibels.

Joshua fit the battle of Geritol.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, and a ball of fire at night.

The wives of the apostles are called epistles.

Moses died before he came to Canada.

David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Bible times.

The three wise guys came from the east side.

The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam: Eat this apple!

02. Getting Older: From My Aunt Mary:

An 80 year old woman has 4 boy friends. She rises with Big Ben, takes a walk with Paul Bunyan, comes home with Charlie Hoss, and goes to bed with Ben Gay.

03. Getting Older: My Aunt Mary could have added a couple of other boy friends:

Will Power helps the lady get out of bed and Arthur Ritis visits during the day. And, of course, she gets to visit John quite often.

04. Getting Older:

My preacher says that at my age, I should be thinking about the here-after. I told him I do think about it all the time. No matter where I am, I ask myself: "Now, what am I here after?"

05. Getting Older:

Old folks are rich in precious resources. They have silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their stomach.

06. Religion:

After a very long-winded Sunday church service, the minister approached a parishioner who had left during the sermon and returned later.

"Where did you go?" asked the minister.

"I went to the barber for a haircut," said the man.

"Why didn't you do that before you came to church? asked the minister.

"Well, I didn't need one then," said the man.

07. Religion:

A gentleman that I came to know in the Air Force told this at a bon-fire gathering one night in Germany. It is best told in African-American dialect.

At an outdoor camp meeting the crowd was getting quite excited because of the preacher's oratory. Some of the ladies were even dancing around quite actively. One of the lady, who was rather heavy-set was bouncing up and down. Suddenly, a twenty dollar bill flew out of her bosom and landed on the floor. The preacher took notice of this, but there may have been another brother who may have seen the occurence, so the preacher carried on:

"You have read in the Bible that if you have not seen, but still believe, I will abide with you later; but I also say unto you, if you who have seen, and believe that you have seen, and keep your big mouth shut.. I will divide with you later."

08. Getting Older:

Three old guys went to a doctor's office for a memory test.

Doctor: "What is 2 x 2?

First guy: "198"

Doctor: "What is 2 x 2?"

Second guy: "Thursday."

Doctor: "What is 2 x 2?"

Third guy: "4"

Doctor: "Good! How did you get that answer?"

Third guy: "I subtracted Thursday from 198."

09. Marriage:

A woman calls her husband at work:

Wife: "I've got good news and bad news."

Husband: "Give me the good news first."

Wife: "The airbag works."

10. Kids:

Bernie Handley, a good friend from the Social Security Administration told me this:

Bernie's 4 year old granddaughter likes to play "wedding".
One day, she was playing it with Bernie and she told Bernie:
"Don't peek, I'm going to put on my wedding dress and you be the groom and put on your torpedo!"

..................................................................................................................................