01. Christmas:
There will no longer be nativity scenes in Washington, D.C. Nobody is complaining about that because everyone knows that it has now become impossible to find three wise men and a virgin in our nation's capitol. However, there are still plenty of asses available for the stable.
02. Marriage:
Husband: "My wife handles all the smaill decisions and I handle all the big ones."
Friend: "Give me an example."
Husband: "Well, we haven't had any big ones yet."
03. Marriage:
They had a very short marriage, they fought over custody of the wedding cake.
04. Homework:
Teacher: "Wieso kommst du denn schon wieder zu spaet, Jens?"
Jens:: "Ich bin auf dem Schulweg ueberfallen worden!"
Teacher: "Was? Wurde dir etwas geraubt?"
Jens: "Ja, zum Glueck aber nur die Hausaufgaben!"
05. Introductions:
Speaker Joe Vaughan: "You don't need to give me a long introduction."
Toastmaster: "O.K."
Toastmaster: "Our speaker today is Joe Vaughan, and the less said about him the better."
06. Cross:
Q. What do you get if you cross an apeman with a zebra?
A. Tarzan stripes forever.
07. Trickery:
Q. How do you keep a turkey in suspence?
A. I'll tell you tomorrow.
08. Marriage:
A 96 year old man and a 93 year old woman are about to get married. The groom goes into a drug store and tells the manager that because he is getting married, he needs Viagra, heart medicine, vitamin pills, hernia aids, etc, etc.
The drug store manager says: "Well then, can we set up a registry for you?"
09. Aging:
Because the population is aging, the Gallop Poll will now be called the Walker Poll.
10. Aging:
There are certain signs that you are getting old. The other day I walked past a cemetery and two guys ran after me with shovels.
11. Aging:
The best part of living to 103.. there is no peer pressure.
12. Aging:
Customer: "What do you have for gray hair?"
Barber: "A lot of respect."
13. History:
Jim: "What do you think of a man who goes horseback riding at 3 o'clock in the morning?"
Bill: "I would say that he is very eccentric."
Jim: "So.. poking fun at Paul Revere, are you?"
14. Fish:
A baby sardine sees a submarine and races to his mama sardine.
Mama sardine says: "Don't be scared.. it's just a can of people."
15. Money:
I lent my friend $100 for plastic surgery, and now I don't know what he looks like.
16. Animals:
Man1: "Help! An alligator just bit off my leg!"
Man2: "Which one?"
Man1: "I don't know, alligators all look alike to me."
17. Naughty:
Woman1: "So, how's your sex life?"
Woman2: "Nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
Woman1: "Social Security sex?"
Woman2: "Yeah.. I get a little each month, but not enough to live on."
18. Cheapness:
He's so cheap that when he eats asparagus at a restaurant, he leaves the tip.
19. Office:
I swallowed a rubber band and have been making snap decisions all day.
20. Animals:
An angry dog walks into a bar and says: "I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw!"
................................................................................................................................
